King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2
by Nintendo Maximus
Summary: There's no stopping the insanity of the Super Mario Bros. 3 cartoon, as Bowser and his Koopalings cause more wacky problems and the Mario Bros. continue to combat seemingly endless bloopers and plot holes in twelve new installments of parodied episodes.
1. Mind Your Mummy Mommy, Mario

_**King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2**_

**By Nintendo Maximus**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own "Super Mario Bros."; you know who does. I also don't own "Animaniacs", "Codename: Kids Next Door", "The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron", "Looney Tunes", "Sesame Street", the whole dang lot of cartoons based off of video games, or anything else that's referenced in this fanfic. Got it?

**Author's Note:** When I finished up _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof_, it left me hungry for more spoofing. Unfortunately, the only Super Mario cartoon DVD to come out following "King Koopa Katastrophe" was the DVD of the first five episodes of the first season, and I didn't want to have to spoof a volumed set. However, I did find out something interesting - the Mario fans over in Europe have gotten three DVDs of the SMB3 cartoon, one of which is just like our "King Koopa Katastrophe", except it doesn't have a bonus "Sonic Underground" episode (at least they don't have to see that bad portrayal of Sega's mascot). The other two DVDs, however, are not available here, and since these PAL DVDs don't have distinctive titles (they're just titled after one of the episodes they have on them), I'm calling this fanfic _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2_. And since I've got two DVDs to cover here, that means this one will be twice as long! Before we get this train wreck rolling, though, here's...

* * *

**...an important message for you and your family.**

The fanfic opened up in the room of a certain video game know-it-all geek. He had video games and video game merchandise all over his room. The geek himself was sitting at his computer, registering various goofs in video game-based cartoons. "Princess Peach is supposed to be a blonde, not a redhead as the shows tend to make the viewers believe. In 'Romano and Joliet', Joliet supposedly dropped her bouquet when the Albatoss nabbed her, yet she has it again when the Mario group is tossed into her dungeon cell. Cranky Kong is supposed to annoy people with his funny one-liners about the old days of video games, yet he never does that on the 'Donkey Kong Country' cartoon. Professor Monkey-For-A-Head can't build another super-suit because his monkey ate the plans, not because he couldn't get another Battery of the Gods as he claimed in 'Bring Me the Head of Earthworm Jim'. Mother Brain isn't supposed to have facial features like she does on Captain N. And furthermore, King Hippo is supposed to be yellow, not blue, and Eggplant Wizard is just a drone-type enemy."

Mario Mario appeared in front of the scene. "Is this you? Are you happily engrossed in inconsequential video game-based cartoon trivia, to the point that your socks can probably stand up by themselves? Well, if you are, there's hope... there's help... there's the... **Shut Up And Just Enjoy The Show Foundation!** Since its inception, the Shut Up And Just Enjoy The Show Foundation has gently, and calmly, brought people back to earth."

A second geek appeared, sitting at his computer too. "Protoman's supposed to be a good guy, not on Dr. Wily's side like the show makes you think. Also, Dinosaur Land should be populated by Yoshies, not by ignorant cave-people dressed like Flintstones rejects." He was suddenly knocked out of his chair by a red Koopa shell. "Oooooff!"

A third geek appeared, also sitting at his computer. "Candy Kong is supposed to look like what a female stereotype with blonde hair and a pink bikini would look like as a gorilla, and Funky Kong is supposed to have brown fur, not tan. And Klaptraps are not projectiles to be fired out of rifles." He was suddenly bit on the leg by a Klaptrap. "Aaaaaa!"

A fourth geek appeared, sitting at his computer as well. "The characters of Cook Kawasaki, Whispy Woods, and Lololo & Lalala were bad guys in the Kirby games, yet they're on Kirby's side in his show. In the 'Sonic X' episode 'Cracking Knuckles', Knuckles should've known better than to fall for Dr. Eggman's lies again. Also, since Ash got the Earth Badge in 'Battle of the Badge', his Charizard should've immediately started obeying him from there on." An offscreen Charizard suddenly toasted him. "Yaaaaah!"

"Quick! It's not too late!" said Mario. "Call us before you rewind to see what was in the room in the opening shot! There's hope... there's help... there's the Shut Up And Just Enjoy The Show Foundation!"

The second geek was now wearing an arm cast. "Thanks, Shut Up And Just Enjoy The Show Foundation!"

The third geek was now wearing a leg cast. "I couldn't have done it without you!"

The fourth geek was now in a full-body cast. "You guys are the greatest!"

Mario stood in front of a badly-misspelled logo. "Call now! The life you get may be your own."

The first geek from earlier reappeared next to him. "Did you notice that the logo has been misspelled badly? I think that was intentional."

Mario pushed a button that caused a cow to fall from out of nowhere and land right on Geek 1. "That's enough of that. And now..."

* * *

**...THE THEME SONG!**

"Hip & Hop are Koopa Kids whom no one understand," belted out the main singers,  
"King Koopa and Kootie always tossing out commands."  
"THAT'S WENDY!" Wendy O. Koopa screamed in her brothers' faces.  
"King Koopa's plots and plans  
Are foiled instantly," the singers continued,  
"By the stupid-looking plumbers  
Wearing pants and hats,  
'Cause they're Nintendo's mascots, the Super...

...Mario Brothers, Super Mario Brothers!"  
"Where's the food?" Mario asked.  
"That's his common mood!" Luigi Mario explained.  
"Suuu-per Mario Brothers!" sang the singers.  
"Fire Flowers, Super Leaves, Mushrooms, Starmen!"  
"Frog Suits, Hammer Suits, Carrots, Boomerangs," listed the Mario Bros.  
"Cape Feathers, Raccoon Suits, Large Shoes, Metal Caps!"

"Suuu-per Mario Brothers!" the singers declared.  
"It flips your toes  
When your foes  
Are the Super Mario Brothers!"  
"So what!" said King Bowser Koopa.  
"Uh!" The singers turned Bowser's head into Mickey Mouse's head.

"Waaaait a second..." Toad wandered in front of the title screen. "Dat ain't da real 'Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3' theme song! Let's start again."

** The EXTENDED "Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3" Theme Song YOU Were NEVER Meant To Hear!**

**It was a legend no one will forget! No will forget it because, thanks to an early appearance in a thinly-disguised 100-minute commercial known as "The Wizard", it became the best-selling Nintendo Entertainment System game of all time! It was a legend so big, it was enhanced with better graphics and sound in 1993! And now this legend is available on your Game Boy Advance SP! Everyone thought King Bowser Koopa had left the Mushroom Kingdom after his humiliating defeat in RoboLand where he was tricked into pushing the Eject button on his robosuit. But then, direct from the Banishment Zone the DVD case claims he escaped from, his Doomship attacked! I don't know what the DVD case means when they say he escaped from a "Banishment Zone" or how he managed to get that giant airship, but whatever reason for either of those improbabilities, King Koopa was back! And with him, the so-called "greatest danger ever known" - his Koopa Kids! With nicknames so stupid they never call themselves by their real names on this show, these eight little SOBs, one of whom isn't on this show as he wouldn't be thought up for another twelve years, were the kind of kids who would make you want to quit being a babysitter, even if your first name was Vicky! But even though these seven brats managed to turn seven monarchs into animals, they were no match for the Kingdom's defenders! Brought to their Mushroom World parents by a stork, grown up in the streets of Brooklyn, New York, harassed by an old gorilla later renamed Cranky Kong, discovering a secret entrance that brought them back to their homeworld, they were the courageous Mario Mario and the not-quite-as-courageous Luigi Mario! Using their new Super Powers, the Super Mario Bros. rescued Princess Toadstool, and beat back the eeee-vil Koopa Family!**

"I'll get those freakin' plumbers!" swore King Bowser Koopa as the intro narration ended.

* * *

**"Mind Your Mummy Mommy, Mario"**

Our story began in some room in some pyramid somewhere in Desert Hill, or as this cartoon insisted it was known as, "Desert Land". As a matter of fact, this particular turn of events happened even before chapter 3 of _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof_. (See that fanfic if you don't believe me.) Anyway, inside the pyramid, the Koopaling twins known as Hip & Hop but actually named Iggy & Lemmy were exploring the tomb room within.

"Remind me again why we're in this scary, spine-tingling mummy tomb instead of on the nice, safe Doomship?" Lemmy asked his twin.

"Because, my nimrod of a brother," Iggy explained, "King Dad wants us to capture the mummified Prince Mushroomkhamen."

"King Dad wants us to go dig up some royal dead guy's coffin?" Lemmy threw up his arms. "What in Darkland could he do with that? Are we into grave-robbing now?"

"Look, the thing is, if King Dad wants us to steal some dead guy's corpse," Iggy walked on, looking at his brother, "we'll do it! Besides, we can ask him why he wants it when we get back." Because Iggy wasn't looking where he was going, he bumped right into someone. As Iggy was picking himself and his torch up, he turned to point an accusing claw at his assailants. "Hey, who are you, and why do you dare bump into Iggy P. Koopa?"

"Watch it, buster!" the five well-dressed kids, all wearing mining helmets, shouted back, in unison. "You're dealing with the Delightful Children from Down the Lane here!"

Lemmy jumped back. "Are you that 'Teamo Supremo' we keep hearing Kootie Pie whining about?"

The Delightful Children from Down the Lane looked disgusted. "We don't have any idea who you're talking about. Now if you don't mind, we're trying to find the mummified son of Queen Mushroomkhamen."

"Are you nuts!" Iggy yelled.

"What?" yelled Lemmy. "That's what _we're_ doing!"

"Yeah! King Dad sent us..."

"...To get it!"

"Oh, really? You two are working for your own father? What a coin..." The Delightful Children were suddenly cut off by one of them letting out a loud burp.

The other four of them turned to face the football helmet-wearing member. "Lenny?"

"Hey, I just had a burrito for breakfast, OK?" Lenny admitted.

Iggy and Lemmy rolled their eyes.

"Anyway," the Delightful Children continued their unison-speaking, "our own Father has commanded us to go find the mummified son of Queen Mushroomkhamen. Think of how much he could help the adults! With his strategic ways, and our cunning demeanor, we shall crush those wretched Kids Next Door!"

"Oh no he won't!" Iggy declared. "He won't be helping you or any of your adult friends..."

"...'Cause we're getting to him first!" Lemmy declared.

"We'll see about that!" the Delightful Children yelled back.

And with the start of the Pokémon battle music, a free-for-all fight broke out between the twin Koopalings and the Delightful Children from Down the Lane. Despite outnumbering their opponents, the Delightful Children didn't exactly have any luck defeating them, but they put up quite a fight. Eventually, both teams rolled right into the tomb room of the pyramid. In the course of their fight, a coffin got knocked over and started twitching.

The blonde-haired Delightful Children member known as John looked at the casket. "Holy crap!" he shouted to the others. "That casket is moving! We'd better get out of here!"

And so, the Delightful Children made a run for it. Iggy picked himself up and chuckled. "Heh heh, I guess we showed them not to mess with the Koopas!"

"And look!" Lemmy held up another casket, one that they hadn't knocked over. "We found the casket! And to think, King Dad thought we were gonna screw this up!"

"Well, ol' pop's gonna have to eat his words!" Iggy gave his brother a high-five. Then they picked up the casket and started carrying it out of the pyramid. They hadn't gotten very far when they tripped upon a Dry Bones and crashed a vase. It landed right on Iggy's foot. "OW!" He jumped around, holding his foot. "Dirty rotten lousy..."

Just then, they heard a voice howling behind them, "My sonnnnnnnnn! They stole my sonnnnnnnnnn!"

Iggy stopped holding his foot. "What the hell was that?"

"I'm not waiting to find out!" yelled Lemmy. "Let's get out of here!"

The Koopaling Twins carried the coffin up a few platforms and then hid it with themselves in a pipe. They stayed there until they heard the howling behind them die down.

After a while, Lemmy asked, "Say, Hip, is it me or does this prince mummy guy..."

"...Look familiar?" Iggy looked at the shape of the coffin's lid. Sure enough, it looked very familiar. "Either coffin designs are getting uglier, or they're putting brand names on them nowadays."

0-0-0

Meanwhile, over in the Mushroom Kingdom, our heroes were resting up after a rough adventure.

"Sure is nice to relax after such a nice adventure!" said Princess Peach, not bothering to describe the adventure.

Mario, whose mustache was brown at the moment, was resting in Toad's bed. "Yeah, I'm so pooped I ain't leaving this bed."

"Heh-heh-heh-heh!" Luigi chuckled. "You said 'poop'."

"It sure was an honor to compete on the game show," said Toad, lugging in an odd-looking machine. "Now I've got somethin' with which to make junk mail and PSPs into hamburger meat!"

Just then, some unnamed mushroom boy came running in through the door. He didn't bother knocking, but since the door was already open form Toad dragging in his new hamburger machine, that didn't really matter. "Help! Help! There's a mad mummy loose in Desert Land!"

Peach looked at the boy awkwardly. "Wait, you ran all the way from Desert Land to alert us of this? Why didn't you just call on the telephone?"

"Yeah, and isn't that place's name actually Desert Hill?" Luigi pointed out.

Mario jumped out of Toad's bed, completely forgetting how tired he was. "Wait a minute, there's a mad mummy loose in Desert Land?"

"Desert _Hill!_" Luigi screamed.

"Uh-huh," the unnamed boy nodded. "There's only two things that could set off a mummy rampage - someone kidnapped its fellow mummies, or a popular sitcom got cancelled before its prime."

"Hmmmm... think, think, think..." The camera zoomed in through Mario's ear as he said that. After about ten seconds, he yelled out, "BRAIN BLAST! The Koopas must be behind this! They must have stolen another mummy!"

"The Koopas?" said a confused Luigi. "How are you sure it isn't Wario and Waluigi who've stolen it?"

"Don't ask questions," Mario reprimanded his brother, before turning to the still-nameless kid. "So naturally, you want us to go to Desert Land and take care of the mummy."

"Desert _Hill!_" Luigi shouted again.

"Actually," said the kid, "we just need you to go there and slow it down long enough until Captain N arrives to finish the job."

Mario looked quite angry at this.

"Is something wrong, bro?" Luigi asked.

"Wrong?" Mario eyed his inquisitive sibling. "It's always the same thing! We kill ourselves trying to pull off an impossible assignment, and then some undeserving glory hound just swoops in and takes all the credit!"

"Oh c'mon, Mario," said Luigi. "The greatest satisfaction is in a job well done."

"Nevertheless, I'm not letting that hot-shot take care of _our_ enemies." Mario turned to the kid again. "Kid, don't bother calling Captain N. Heck, don't even bother calling Supergrover. The Mario Bros. will handle this!"

"Aw, but can't we try out da new PSP-killer foist?" Toad whined.

"Shut up, Toadie." Mario jumped up to the doorway. "Well, what are we waiting for? Y'want me to serve milk and cookies? Let's get going!"

"Weren't you too tired to get out of bed just a minute ago?" Luigi asked.

0-0-0

Soon, thanks to a quick scene-switch, the Mario Bros. gang had arrived in Desert Land. I mean, Desert Hill. Mario was reading a copy of Nintendo Power's Super Mario Bros. 3 strategy guide. "According to the maps in this book," he said, "the pyramid we're looking for isn't far from the Sultan's palace."

"Why are ya lookin' up da location of da pyramid?" Toad asked. "We're lookin' for a mummy here!"

"Toadie, if there's one thing cartoons have taught me," explained Mario, "it's that where there's a pyramid, there's either A) a power-hungry soul-eating demon bent on world domination, B) treasure hidden by the thief who stole it, C) ancestral statues that come to life in order to tap, talk to, and sing along with their descendants, or D) a mummy. Ergo, the demon/treasure/statue/mummy in question is in the pyramid." He was suddenly interrupted by some screams coming nearby. "Or we could try that screaming tent that just appeared from out of nowhere."

Some other Mushroomites came running out of the aforementioned tent. Out of the tent broke the mummy, screaming "Where's my soooooonnnnn?" and tossing Note Blocks everywhere.

"Holy crap!" shouted Toad. "Dat must be her!"

"Her?" Luigi pondered. "How do you know it's not a male?"

"Well, have you ever seen male mummies?" Toad asked.

"It doesn't matter if she's a he or he's a she." Mario guarded them from the flying Note Blocks. "We gotta calm this mummy down!"

"But how?" asked Peach. "We don't even know what she's got to be mad about!"

"Weren't you listening to that kid back at Toadie's?" Mario nitpicked. "The mummy's on a rampage because either one of her own kind is missing, or a popular sitcom has been cancelled early on. How many cancelled sitcoms do we know by now?"

"Well, dere's 'Family Guy'," reasoned Toad, "but I don't t'ink it counts since dey're bringin' it back. Maybe 'Futurama', but dey actually wrote up an official finale wit'out realizin' it. I hear a lotta negative criticism about 'Invader ZIM' bein' cancelled, but I don't t'ink dat's a sitcom. Uh, didn't 'Star Trek' make a comeback too?"

As Mario-tachi was discussing handling mummies and cancelled sitcoms, Iggy and Lemmy Koopa watched this from the pipe they had been hiding in. Iggy picked up one half of the coffin. "Here's our chance to sneak off..."

Lemmy picked up the other half. "...Without anyone noticing us!"

As Iggy and Lemmy stumbled downward with the coffin, Mario continued his self-defense against the mummy's arsenal. "OK, forget the 'cancelled sitcom' excuse! There has to be another reason this mummy's so pissed off."

Suddenly, Luigi noticed Iggy and Lemmy sneaking off. "Hey! Those twin Koopalings over there! They've carrying a casket!"

"Dat's what dey're carryin'?" questioned Toad. "I t'ought it was a trash container full of copies of da 'Catwoman' video game!"

"Whatever it is," said Peach, "I'll bet that golden mummy case that they're sneaking off with has something to do with the mummy's rampage!"

"By jove! Do you really think so?" Luigi, having gotten that cultural reference out of the way, turned to his brother. "You were right, Mario. The Koopas _are_ behind this madness! But how did you know?"

"Simple," said Mario. "The writers never think of using Wart or Tatanga as a featured villain."

"We gotta get that case back!" said Peach, not bothering to use the correct word. "Luigi, Toad, follow me! Mario, keep the mummy from hurting anyone until we get back!"

"Wait a minute," Mario halted them. "I'm more adventure-wise than you three. Luigi, you only starred in two games by yourself, the first of which was a crappy educational game. Toad, your only starring role is a puzzle game with Wario's name in the title. And Princess, your adventure game's not even out yet! Why do _I_ have to stay behind with the freakin' mummy?"

"Because the episode's title is telling you to," said Peach. And with that, she, Luigi, and Toad ran after Iggy & Lemmy.

"Well, I guess there's no point in arguing with the episode's title." Mario walked up to the mummy. "Excuse me, Ms. Mummy-Person, but if you don't mind, my friends and I would like you to stop your senseless rampage, so please stop it."

The mummy took a look at the plumber addressing her. And then she spoke, "My little prince! At last I've found you!"

"Your little prince?" Mario backed away. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Oh, don't be silly, my little Prince Mushroomkhamen!" said the mummy. "Give your mummy a hug! Pardon the pun. I'm your mother, stupid!"

"My mother?" Mario backed further away. "You're not my mother. My _real_ mother looks just like my last voice actor in drag! Or is she that dame whose legs the world saw at the end of Yoshi's Island? Man, I have such a confusing backstory! Anyway, I'm not your son, hoser-mummy!" He ran and jumped onto a column. "Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my giant getaway leap!" And he jumped off into the air. "Tra-la-laaaaaa- oh crap! I don't have any flying Power-Ups on me!" he said as he fell out of the sky.

The mummy got under her "son" and caught him. "I'm takin' you back to the tomb, son, and I'm gonna make sure it's a cold day in Lethal Lava Land before anyone steals you again! I'll even call the Nimbus Landians and ask them to create a blizzard down there!"

"Crap!" said Mario, not making any effort to escape from the mummy. "Luigi! Princess! I usually avoid saying this, but... _HELLLLLLP!_"

0-0-0

Up ahead, Luigi, Peach, and Toad were still giving chase after the sarcophagus-carrying Iggy & Lemmy. "Give up, Olsens!" Toad shouted. "You're finished!"

"Wrong twins, Gumby elf!" Iggy yelled back.

"Whatever!" said Toad as he saw the Koopa Twins run over a sand dune.

The good guys jumped down from the top of the sand dune, landing right on the Koopa Twins. "Gotcha!" said Luigi as he grabbed Lemmy.

"What?" said Iggy as Peach grabbed him. "How did you catch us?"

"Yeah!" Lemmy squirmed in Luigi's grasp. "This isn't in the script!"

"What're ya, crazy? Did you honestly t'ink you could escape while carryin' a coffin with a body in it?" Toad, despite his size and what he was saying right there, lifted the sarcophagus over his head. "If ya did, yer IQ must be 2! Studies show dat it's impossible to escape when carrying something wit' a heavier density dan yerself."

Luigi looked bright. "Y'know, this might be the quickest wrap-up we've ever done!"

Suddenly, an alien beam projected itself onto the two humans, one mushroom, two dinosaur/turtle hybrids, and one coffin, and pulled them up into the sky above. Inside his intergalactic flying spacecraft, Marvin the Martian watched as his beam's captives materialized in front of him.

"Oh, drat!" Marvin snapped his finger, and ejected his captives out of his ship. "I knew I took a wrong turn at that last space station!"

Luigi, Peach, and Toad landed right back on that sand dune, somehow not breaking any bones when they landed. "What the hell just happened?" Luigi asked.

"I dunno, but look!" Toad pointed upward.

Up from behind the sand dune came Bowser's Doomship. Up on the deck of the Doomship, Iggy & Lemmy stood with their stolen coffin, sticking their tongues out. "So, you didn't expect us to get away, eh?" taunted Iggy.

"Well, we're getting away with it right now! Ha ha!" laughed Lemmy.

King Bowser Koopa himself was standing on the bow, alongside his twin kids. "And to think, you guys keep thwarting all my takeovers! Even my youngest Koopalings could outsmart you do-good dodos!"

Bowser Jr. suddenly appeared, perching himself on his dad's left shoulder. "Are you talking about me, Papa?"

Bowser slapped his miniature clone. "No, Princie, I wasn't referring to you!"

"Yeah, Princie!" Larry Koopa suddenly appeared on his dad's right shoulder. "Everyone knows _I'm_ the youngest Koopaling!"

Bowser slapped his youngest biological kid too. "Shut up, Cheatsy; this doesn't involve you!"

Wobbuffet suddenly appeared from behind Bowser. "Waaaab-buffet!" he cried.

"It doesn't involve _you_ either!" Bowser recalled Wobbuffet back into its PokéBall.

Down below, Toad shook his fist as the Doomship flew away. "I'll get even with you, Glomgold!"

"What do you suppose Koopa wants with that mummy case?" Peach asked.

"He probably wants to sell it on eBay. Anyway, look!" Pointing into the distance, Luigi managed to finger the mummified Queen Mushroomkhamen running off with Mario. "Look what that marauding mummy's doing with Mario!"

"Oh no!" Peach cried. "She's making off with Mario and he's not doing a thing about it! Whose bright idea was it to leave him in charge of her?"

"YOURS!" Luigi and Toad fingered the Princess, in unison.

"Well, you don't have to rub it in!" she yelled.

"It doesn't matter now!" Luigi moaned. "Poor Mario's been doomed to some tomb and we'll probably never find him!"

"Why so whiny, Luigi?" asked Toad. "You've been able to rescue him twice!"

"What we need is a map of the pyramids," said Peach, ignoring her servant.

"Maps, eh?" Toad got their attention. "If it's maps you want, I got a cousin who can help! His name is Map T."

"Oh no, Toadie!" Luigi reprimanded. "We're not gonna waste time getting a map from some unnamed member of your family tree who's probably never gonna matter in later episodes! I have a strategy guide right here," he said as he held up the Super Mario Bros. 3 Strategy Guide (Mario had let him take hold of it earlier), "and we're gonna use it!"

"Oh, dat's just great!" bickered Toad. "_Now_ how are we supposed to find out dat Prince Mushroomkhamen looks just like Mario?"

"Wait a minute." Luigi stopped. "Prince Mushroomkhamen looks just like Mario?"

"Yeah," said Toad. "It's why da mummy shanghaied him. She's da Prince's mom, Queen Mushroomkhamen."

"How did you know that?" questioned Peach.

"Well, it says so in da script." Toad held it up for them to see.

"Why didn't you say so earlier?" nitpicked Luigi.

"I t'ought we were actually gonna visit my cousin and get da map dat would tell us dat Prince Mushroomkhamen looks just like Mario!" shrieked Toad. "But since we ain't goin' dere, we might as well forget it."

"Don't worry, Toad," said Peach. "Now that we know why Queen Mushroomkhamen nabbed Mario, that may explain why Koopa stole the the Prince's mummy case to begin with! And the only way we're gonna get Mario back is to break into Castle Koopa, get the mummy case, and trade the real mummy prince for Mario!"

"Couldn't we just ask Bowser to give it back?" Luigi asked.

"Oh, you try politely askin' some evil dictator-type guy to give you da t'ing dat could help get rid of his nemesis!" mocked Toad.

"Fine, fine, we'll break in." Luigi murmured.

0-0-0

Meanwhile, the mummified Queen Mushroomkhamen had successfully managed to drag Mario into the pyramid, in spite of the fact that the guy was able to take down a horde of anthropomorphic turtles in minutes. As Mario looked at his surroundings, he asked himself, _Why don't I remember this tomb room being here in the game?_ Turning to Queen Mushroomkhamen, he told her, "Look, lady, all I did was ask you to stop rampaging around Desert Land. You had no reason to drag me in here! Did I have an ancestor who defeated you in battle when you were alive?"

"Aw, c'mon, don't be silly, Emily!" Queen Mushroomkhamen addressed him by name. "I don't know why you decided to go streaking, but I know my son when I see him, and you're him. Now give your mummy a big kiss!"

"Lady, that was a horrible pun, and if you weren't so wrapped up in yourself, you could see I'm not your little boy! For one thing, did your son dress the way I do? And furthermore, why did you name him 'Emily'?" Mario tried not to laugh at the silly name this queen had given her son. "That's a girl's name, like 'Kooky'."

"Boy, somebody got up on the wrong side of the coffin!" Queen Mushroomkhamen continued with her bad jokes, and then pulled a roll of toilet paper out of Mario's mouth.

"Ewwww!" Mario grimaced. "I hope you washed your hands before you did that!"

"All that streaking around outside must have made you cranky!" said Queen Mushroomkhamen, ignoring "Emily"'s disgust. "You could use a nice 10,000-year nap!"

"What a coincidence! I had wanted a rest back at the beginning of this episode. You see, my friends and I were on a Japanese game show yesterday, and I assure you, the guys who host those shows are, like, mean-spirited. It's like they're trying to enforce the idea of 'no pain, no gain' by attempting bodily harm to their contestants. Can't they just give you a simple 'Sorry, that's incorrect' like decent game show hosts? I mean, no wonder anime shows get censored if they're dubbed for children's television! What if anime was allowed to air in America the way it was shown in Japan? Suppose the children of America grew up acting like the Japanese sociopaths they'd seeing on their morning cartoons. It'd be a total outrage! Don't those overactive anime fans care about the youth of their country?" Mario rambled like this before he finally realized what the mummy had just told him. Not to mention that she had just wrapped him up with the toilet paper, covering everything except his eyes and his shoes. "Wait a minute, did you just say that I was gonna sleep for ten millenniums?"

"If by ten millenniums you mean 10,000 years, then yes."

"Oh no, lady! I like long naps, but not the kind that go for 100 centuries! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm, uh, gonna try out for a shot on 'G4 Sports'."

Queen Mushroomkhamen grabbed Mario by a piece of his cloth and pulled him back. "No no no, Emily! You're not going to participate on any TV shows brought to you by letters and numbers."

"That's not what I mean, ma'am," Mario bit as the mummy placed him in her coffin. (She had to make him use her coffin because Iggy & Lemmy stole Emily's, remember?)

"Now you sleep there, and I'll sleep on the couch," Queen Mushroomkhamen reprimanded. "You'll feel better after your 1,000-decade nap!"

"Somehow I doubt it," said Mario. "And anyway, wouldn't it make more sense if _you_ slept here while _I_ slept on the couch?"

"Shaddap."

"Sure..."

0-0-0

Meanwhile, over in Bowser's Castle, Iggy & Lemmy watched as their dad was setting Prince Mushroomkhamen's casket in his trophy room. Since he didn't usually get away with the things he stole, Bowser's trophy room was quite empty.

"So King Dad," asked Iggy, "what exactly do you want with Prince Mushroomkhamen, anyway?"

"Have you figured out that since he looks just like Mario," deduced Lemmy, "kidnapping him and having his mama mistake Mario for her son will prevent him from foiling any more of your evil plans?"

"Actually, I planned to sell 'im on eBay," said Bowser, "but your plan's good too! If Queen Mushroomkhamen has really mistaken Mario for her son, he won't be able to foil my evil plans anymore!"

"Uh, yeah. I just said that," said Lemmy.

"But what about the other good guys?" Iggy asked. "Shouldn't we have done something about them as well?"

"Don't be ridiculous, kids!" Bowser dismissed. "No one ever does anything about sidekicks and/or hero's friends. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a bath. There's nothing like a good hot bath to get your mind off of noisy trespassers." But as the Koopa King passed by a window, he heard music coming from it. He looked outside and saw a barbershop quartet of silly-looking Mushroomites singing "Deck the Halls". Bowser took out a football and threw it in their direction. "And don't come back or I'll force you to watch my Ice Capades appearance!"

But as Bowser was heading off to his bathroom, he didn't notice a hot-air balloon with Mario's "M" emblem decorating it, surrounded by a cloud of steam, approaching the other side of his castle. And since he didn't notice that, he didn't notice Luigi, now Raccoon-powered, was somehow pulling it with his bare hands. In the basket, not doing anything to help Luigi lifting the balloon, stood Peach and Toad.

"This steam cloud balloon was a brilliant idea, Luigi!" said Peach.

"Yeah!" agreed Toad. "Nothin' stops Raccoon Luigi."

"Well, I can't take _all_ the credit," said Luigi. "It's a good thing we had this hot-air balloon left over from last season, after all." But Luigi was so busy being modest about his hot-air balloon steam machine, that he didn't notice a tornado coming their way.

"Look out, Luigi!" shouted Peach. "It's a Mushroom Kingdom twister!"

"A Mushroom Kingdom twister?" Toad looked confused. "Why would dey call it a Mushroom Kingdom twister if it's in Darkland?"

But before Toad's query could be answered, the tornado took hold of the balloon and spun it in circles. Before any of them could yell out that they were "blasting off again", the tornado deposited them onto the roof of one of the Castle Koopa towers. The trio dropped out of the balloon and fell onto the balcony below them.

"Oh no, my beautiful balloon!" Luigi cried. "It's ruinated!"

"Can't you look on the bright side, Luigi?" Peach tried to do so. "At least Koopa's guards haven't spotted us."

Just then, Toad saw two Paragoombas approaching them. "Ya had t'open yer big mouth!"

"Invaders!" one Paragoomba stated the obvious to his partner. "Go get King Koopa!"

"Why can't we try and take care of these guys ourselves?" asked the second Paragoomba.

"We're Goombas, remember?" said Paragoomba #1. "These guys can clean our clocks easily! Even that wimpy Princess that the boss is always capturing."

"Did they just call me 'wimpy'?" asked an irate-looking Peach.

"You Goombas can talk?" Toad looked surprised.

"Of course we can!" Paragoomba #1 yelled as his partner flew off. "We have mouths, don't we? In case you people forget, our species was clearly capable of speaking in this franchise's role-playing games! It's just that whenever you guys come upon us, you stomp on us before we can get a word in edgewise! I mean, sure, we're part of King Koopa's battalion, but you guys could at least jump _ over_ us instead of planting your shoes on our eyes, or burning our pants with fireballs, or..." He was suddenly cut off by a piece of gravel that Luigi threw right at him. His wings came off, and he fell down.

"Silly Paragoomba," scoffed Luigi. "Enemy emotions are for anime and dark cartoons."

The three good guys went inside the room the balcony was placed in front of. By some strange stroke of luck, the balcony they had landed on led them right into Bowser's trophy room.

Toad made them stop running. "Hey, look, da real prince's mummy case!"

"Oh, great!" said Peach as they ran up to the sarcophagus.

"Why'd you say it _dat_ way, Princess?" Toad asked. "Da way you said dat phrase, you'd t'ink finding it is a bad t'ing."

"Now if we only had a way to get it past King Koopa!" said Peach, ignoring Toad's nitpicking.

"It's times like this I ask one question," said Luigi. "What would Mario do if he were here?"

"He'd say somethin' stupid, dat's what." Toad answered.

"I wasn't asking for an answer, Toadie!" Luigi yelled.

0-0-0

Elsewhere in the castle, Bowser was soaking up in his jacuzzi. He had filled it up with bubble bath formula and was playing with his bathtub toys.

"Rubber Duckie, you're the one," he sang.  
"You make bathtime lots of fun;  
Rubber Duckie, I'm awfully fond of..."

"Sire!" Paragoomba #2 barged into the room, interrupting his boss's song.

"Ugh! You ruined my musical interlude!" Bowser dropped his Rubber Duckie. "What's so important it can't wait until the next verse?"

"Luigi, Princess Peach, and that imp with the squeaky Brooklyn accent have just dropped in. Seeing how you're the big guy around here, we had to let you know somehow."

"Aw, damn," moaned Bowser. "They must have figured out my new scheme and are trying to recapture Prince Mushroomkhamen! How do they always figure out my plans? Am I that obvious? You - go get nine more of your winged brethren. Hip! Hop! Fetch me my bathrobe!"

0-0-0

Back with the so-called "mummy case", Luigi, Peach, and "that imp with the squeaky Brooklyn accent" tried to figure out how they were going to sneak out with it. "OK," said Toad, "so we gotta get dis mummy case out of da castle wit'out King Koopa noticin', bring it all da way back to Desert Land, and switch it for Mario. Da question is, how do we do it?"

"Two things, Toadie," Luigi corrected him. "One, it's Desert Hill, not Desert Land. Two, why are we always calling it a 'mummy case'? From what I've read, these things are actually called sarcophaguses. Can't we just call this thing by what it's actually known as?"

"Oh, _you_ try sayin' a hard-to-spell word on a Saturday morning cartoon written by da worst animation company in America!" Unlike most 80s cartoon fans, Toad didn't seem to be afraid to badmouth DiC Entertainment.

"Whatever. Anyway, watch this!" Luigi ran off. A second later, he came back with a bunch of junk that Bowser had just happened to have lying around. Like a typical cartoon character, Luigi ran around with the trash and some building equipment. When he was finished, a strange-looking sled had been made out of the junk. Prince Mushroomkhamen's sarcophagus was placed on top of it. "Well, how do you like my special steam-powered mummy sled?"

"Compared to what?" Toad wanted to know.

"_I_ think it could stand some design improvement!" Bowser had suddenly appeared in the doorway nearby, wearing a maroon-colored bathrobe. Right beside him stood Iggy, Lemmy, and ten Paragoombas. "Tryin' to steal back that mummy case, eh?"

"Sheesh, Bowser, even _you_ can't say 'sarcophagus' either?" asked Luigi. "And what's with the bathrobe?"

"Your brainless burglarizing is butting in on my bubble bath!" bickered Bowser. "For that, I'll have to Koopatate you personally! Hip, Hop! Watch how King Dad handles things!"

"Okey-dokey, King Dad!" said Iggy & Lemmy, in unison.

But before the Koopa King could make his move, the sarcophagus opened up! Everyone in the room, including the ten Paragoombas, turned their attention to this disturbance. In his casket, up sat Prince Mushroomkhamen (who looked exactly like Mario).

"Holy crap!" Bowser said to his followers. "Prince Mushroomkhamen has awoken! Is this in the script?"

"We don't think so, King Dad," stammered Iggy & Lemmy.

"Ugh, what's with all that noise? Can't a mummified prince get any dead sleep around here?" asked Prince Mushroomkhamen (who sounded just like Zero Kelvin). "Wait a minute - this isn't my house! This isn't even Desert Hill!"

"See?" said Luigi, in a boastful manner. "I told you it was Desert _Hill!_"

Prince Mushroomkhamen faced the sixteen occupants in the room. "Hey! Which one of you dares to incur the wrath of Prince Emily Mushroomkhamen?"

"Your first name is _Emily?_" Bowser fell down on his shell, laughing even harder than he usually did. Upon realizing what the Prince had just revealed his first name to be, the rest of the characters burst into peels of laughter too. Even the Paragoombas stopped fluttering their wings and fell to the ground, chuckles abound. After quite a while, Bowser picked himself up and said, giggling in between, "What kind of - heh hee - idiot gives his son a girl's name like - ha ha - Emily?"

"_You_ do, King Dad!" Ludwig Von Koopa's voice could be heard from elsewhere in the castle. "You've been calling me 'Kooky' recently, remember?"

Bowser dropped some sweat. "Whatever. Anyway, Prince - heh heh - Emily - ha ha ha ha - Mushroomkhamen, I plan to sell you on eBay..."

"Well, whaddaya know, Luigi?" said Toad. "You were right about Bowser's plans for da dead Prince here."

"...and I demand you get back in your mummy case, closing it from the inside as you do so, so that I can properly auction you!" Bowser continued.

"No way, ugly!" Prince Mushroomkhamen retorted. "I'm not resting till I get back to my pyramid! And for your information, this thing I'm resting in is called a sarcophagus, not a 'mummy case'."

"I must be on a roll today!" Luigi boogied. "That's three times in a row I've been right!"

"Oh, but I'm afraid I'll have to insist that you do what I say," said Bowser. "I've got _all_ of you surrounded by an army of 1200 soldiers!"

"1200? You lie!" yelled Luigi. "I only see ten Paragoombas, and those are almost the weakest guys you've got! And in case you haven't noticed, I've got Raccoon powers, so I can just fly out of here!"

"Well, _excuuuuuuuse_ me, Mr. Lean-and-Green! I was just trying to be..." Bowser suddenly noticed a tide of water creeping up into the room. "AW, CRAP! I left the bathtub running!"

Taking a deep breath, Bowser swam down toward his jacuzzi and put the drain into the on position. As the overflowing water began to drain out, Luigi turned to Prince Mushroomkhamen and said, "Quick, Emily! Get back in your sarcophagus and close it up! We need to use it with you in it!"

"Okey-dokey!" Prince Mushroomkhamen did just as he was told.

"I wonder why he obeyed me and not King Koopa," Luigi wondered as Peach and Toad got on top of the closed sarcophagus.

"Wipeout" started playing from out of nowhere as Luigi, Peach, and Toad rode the sarcophagus-sled down the stairway. Bowser's bathtub drain drained water rather quickly, so it was providing them with a pretty good getaway. Also, Bowser had managed to open his front door. As they surfed on down the stairs of Bowser's castle, Iggy & Lemmy made no attempt to stop them. The Paragoombas, on the other hand, gave chase after them, only to get their wings clipped off by Raccoon Luigi's tail. Finally, after quite a while of surfing through Bowser's Castle, the good guys drove the sarcophagus in the direction of the lake nearby and off to Desert Land. I mean, Desert Hill.

"Y'know, it's rather ironic dat you called dis a sled, considering we ended up surfin' wit' it," said Toad as the song came to an end.

"Well, I didn't expect that Bowser's bathtub would overflow," said Luigi.

Bowser, still in his bathrobe, watched them float away. "Oh, they won't get away with this!" He got into his Doomship and took the wheel. But when he tried to start it up, he couldn't get going. "Aw, crap times two! I must be out of fuel. Cheatsy!"

Larry Koopa reappeared. "Yes, King Dad?"

"Go get the Koopa Clown Car," Bowser commanded, "and hoist the Doomship onto it. Me, you, and Kootie Pie are going to Desert Land to steal oil."

"DON'T CALL ME 'KOOTIE PIE'!" Wendy O. Koopa screamed from inside the castle.

"Why do you want Kootie Pie coming along?" Larry asked. "I thought she was still punished for failing at taking over America."

"Hey," said Bowser, "I'm willing to do anything to get her to shut up about this Keeno DeLoreano she's been yakking about. Just hope she doesn't talk about it the way over; carrying the Doomship all the way to Desert Land by way of the Clown Car is gonna take all night..."

0-0-0

Back in the pyramid, Queen Mushroomkhamen was resting herself on her couch. Because she was sleeping, Mario was able to get out of her sarcophagus without her noticing. "Sleep for 10,000 years? Forget it!" he said to himself. "I'd sooner kiss a water buffalo! Besides, think of how hungry I'd get!"

Despite not having the strategy guide with him, Mario was able to find his way back to the pyramid entrance. By way of Dues Ex Machina Delivery Services, Luigi, Peach, and Toad arrived with Prince Mushroomkhamen's sarcophagus just as he was coming out of the pyramid.

"Mario! Ha-hey, you're safe!" Luigi dropped the sarcophagus on Toad's foot. Ignoring the retainer's screams of pain, the tall green-clad plumber ran up and glomped his brother.

"Ugh! I _HATE_ hugging!" Mario shouted, in a Grouchy Smurf-type voice, and Luigi backed away from him. "Sorry about that, Luigi. I've had more hugging than I could stand today."

"Lemmie guess," said Luigi as Peach unraveled Mario. "Did the mummy mistake you for her son?"

"Yeah! How did you know?"

Toad held up Prince Mushroomkhamen's sarcophagus with his bare hands. "You're da spittin' image of Prince Emily Mushroomkhamen!"

At that point, Prince Mushroomkhamen's voice could be heard inside his casket. "Hey, can I open up now?" Without waiting for an answer, he opened up and revealed himself again.

"Holy crap, you're right!" said Mario.

"What happened to the queen mummy?" Peach asked.

"Yeah, where _is_ my mom?" asked the dead prince.

"Oh, I just left her in the tomb," Mario said as Peach finished unwrapping him.

Just then, they noticed Queen Mushroomkhamen standing right behind them. "What are you doing with my son?" she demanded.

"Hey, how'd you get out here?" Mario asked.

"You left the door open," replied Queen Mushroomkhamen, pointing at the open door behind her.

"DAMN!" Mario cursed.

"Anyway, Emily Mushroomkhamen, you get back into the pyramid and go sit in the corner and think about what you've done!" the mummy scolded.

"You've made a mistake, Queen Mushroomkhamen!" said Peach. "This is our friend, Mario. _That's_ your real son!"

Prince Mushroomkhamen sat up in his sarcophagus. "The red-haired blonde is telling the truth, mom! My sarcophagus and I got abducted, and these fellows rescued me!"

Queen Mushroomkhamen looked at her coffinated son, and then at Mario. She looked angry with the latter. "You imposter! How dare you pretend to be my son! You don't look anything like him!"

Mario looked insulted. "Hey, I wasn't pretending to be your son; you mistook me for him. Secondly, if I don't look a thing like him, why did you mistake me for him?"

Ignoring her not-son, Queen Mushroomkhamen focused her attention on Luigi and rubbed his chin. "But _you_ look exactly like my husband! Come to me, my darling!"

"What the?" A befuddled Luigi faced Prince Mushroomkhamen. "Is this the reason you obeyed me earlier?"

"Don't be stupid, papa!" replied Prince Mushroomkhamen as he glomped his not-dad. "It's so great to finally see you again! I had no idea a simple visit to the store could take so long!"

"Aw crap!" muttered Luigi. "Now I wish we _had_ visited that map salesman Toad mentioned! Then I could get a map to some other place!"

"Never fear, Luigi! _I_ know how to handle this!" In an extreme show of product placement, Mario pulled a Game Boy Camera from out of nowhere and pointed it at Luigi and the mummies. "Smile! You're on Game Boy Camera!" he said as he snapped a picture.

The Game Boy Camera somehow flashed large enough to blind Queen and Prince Mushroomkhamen. While they were temporarily blinded, Luigi backed away from them. "What did you do to them?" he asked his brother.

"Oh, I just flashed them with the Game Boy Camera," Mario answered.

"Why didn't you just try that earlier?" Peach wanted to know.

"Well, for one thing, we have to fill eleven minutes. Besides, I had to check to see if it was OK for us to use product placement like Captain N is doing."

"Astounding feat!" said Toad. "Now we'd better get outta here before dey come to!"

So the good guys made their escape. But little did they know they'd have to come back to Desert Hill the next day. And if you've read _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof_, you know why.

0-0-0

Half an hour later, the Mushroomkhamens snapped out of their blindness. "Hey, where's papa?" asked the prince.

"Never mind that," said the queen, "how are we supposed to get you back into the pyramid? We're too decrepit to lift your sarcophagus!"

"Boy, being undead stinks," muttered Prince Mushroomkhamen.

* * *

I hope you didn't find this first installment disappointing. I've only seen this particular episode once, and because of that, my memory of it is vague. However, I _do_ have the next episode that will be featured, so that one should be good and/or better than this!


	2. Misadventures in Babysitting

**Author's Note:** This episode should come out a lot clearer than that last one, because I actually have this episode. You see, the first time I remember seeing it was when the USA Network was showing reruns of the show. Then I got the VHS release of the episode; incidentally, I got it shortly after receiving the Star Fox 64 promotional video, but I digress. Anyway, I can say this isn't one of the best episodes, considering all the plot holes and game-relation mistakes within. So therefore, it made for a good parody. Enjoy!

* * *

**"Misadventures in Babysitting"**

This particular turn of events kicked off in a suburban home somewhere in Brooklyn. Some bratty kid who just happened to live there was playing with some rather poorly-designed vases. This kid was never called by his real name, so we'll just refer to him by the name he was called for the episode - Junior. Coincidentally, he happened to have the same hair color as Bowser Jr.

Anyway, his parents were apparently going out tonight, as evidenced by how pretty his mom looked. Well, okay, her zit-encrusted face wasn't exactly Miss America material, but at least she had those naughty bits that Minnie Mouse never could grow! However, their names are also unknown to me, so I'll just call them Mr. and Mrs. Junior. But for short, I'll be calling them Mr. and Mrs. J., not to be confused with those pet names that Rosie the robot maid gave for George and Jane Jetson. Speaking of the Jetsons, where are they now? I don't see them on Cartoon Network anymore, except around Christmastime. Yes, I know, they're on Boomerang now, but I don't have that. Apparently, my cable doesn't seem to provide that station. I wish it did, though. I hear it plays Pac-Man's cartoon. Maybe he's got more interesting animated adventures than Mario does. I doubt it, though. His games didn't have much story like Mario's did. But at least maybe I'll get a sound clip of his theme song and come one step closer to completing my playlist of video game cartoon theme songs. I hope to make a CD out of it. But before I can do that, I'm gonna have to wait till that "Viewitful Joe" anime makes its way here, and that's not gonna happen for...

"BACK OFF, TALK BOY!" Mrs. Junior yelled at the narrator, zooming her left eye up to the camera.

Right. Sorry.

With that, Mrs. J. put up her mascara and addressed her husband. "Now then, dear, where's that babysitter you called for?"

"A babysitter?" Mr. Junior asked. "We were supposed to hire a babysitter?"

"You didn't hire a babysitter?" Mrs. J. stomped her feet. "How could you not hire a babysitter?"

"Well, I don't think I took to your directions, dear," Mr. J. explained. "Besides, even if I _did_ bother looking for a babysitter, wouldn't Junior's bad reputation have scared them off?"

"Don't be ridiculous; our son is a good boy and you know it." Mrs. J. sighed. "Well, how are we supposed to find a babysitter at _this_ hour?"

Just then, the door flew open, and in stepped a very familiar redhead from another cartoon. "Somebody call for a babysitter? An antagonist, even?" she said. "I'm qualified in both fields."

"Who, I ask, are you?" Mr. J. asked.

"Don't you people watch Nickelodeon? The name's Vicky Hitchcock!" As the redhead introduced herself, lightning struck outside (despite the lack of an actual storm) and a family photo nearby fell off of the wall. "Uh, pay no attention to the fact that things die or break whenever my name is mentioned."

"What? 'Vicky'?" Once Mr. J. said that, the light bulb in the nearby lamp burned out.

"Yeah. You see, I'm related to Lord Voldemort." When Vicky said that name, the aforementioned lamp fell off its stool and broke. "I'm his great-great-great-grandniece."

"Ah! That makes sense. " smiled Mr. J.

"Yes, I'm glad to get that out of the way. Now if you'll pay me fairly, and by that I mean all the cash you have at this very moment," Vicky explained, "then I'll get your kid to take care of your house, cook, make the beds, wash, mend, and knit, and keep everything neat and clean, and I will allow him to sleep in the warm cinders of the fireplace and call him Cinder-something."

"Okay," said Mr. J, not seeming to have understood what Vicky just said.

"Wait a minute... that sounds a little dangerous." Mrs. J. was a bit more sensible. "We're desperate, but we're not _that_ desperate."

"Hey!" said Mr. J. to Vicky. "You've got the same hair color as our son! LOL!"

While his parents were discussing things with Vicky, Junior attempted to see if he could balance the vases on his head. When he found out he obviously couldn't do it without them falling over and breaking apart, he placed his cat near the remains and bugged out.

Mrs. J. looked at the cat placed near the remains of the vase. "Oh, Kitty, how could you? That was a rare 1986 vase!" she yelled.

"What! It wasn't me!" The cat stood up on its hind legs. "Your bratty kid placed me here after breakin' it himself! Don't believe me? Well, I've had it!" The cat grabbed a suitcase and put a small business hat over his head. "You guys can get yourselves a _new_ cat, 'cause I quit!" And with that, he stormed out of the house with his suitcase.

"This is just great," Mrs. J. sighed. "First my husband doesn't bother hiring a babysitter. Then he hires out one I don't trust. Now the cat just quit! How can this enchanted evening get any more stressful?" That's when she suddenly heard the noise of a crash landing coming from the kitchen.

Inside the kitchen cupboard, the Mario Bros. tumbled out of an abnormally large warp pipe that happened to be situated in there. I wonder why Junior's parents never noticed that thing. Do they even have good plumbing?

"Plumber's Log, number 17-362," Mario narrated, not moving his lips. "We appear to have landed in some blackish-blue backdrop, somewhat like the center of time and space. For some reason, my mouth movements don't seem to match my dialogue."

Luigi spoke up, his mouth movement not in tune with what he was saying. "Well, of course they don't match, Mario. You're narrating!"

Mario switched into speaking mode, also with awkward mouth-flaps. "No, I mean they _really_ aren't matching my mouth movement! Look!"

Luigi made a noise with his tongue, but his mouth didn't open until a second later. "Holy crap, you're right!"

"Anyway, where the devil are we, Luigi?" Mario sat up, knocking his brother down from himself.

"Really, bro, how the hell would _I_ know?" Luigi grunted, his last mouth-flip not making a sound.

"Well, there's only one way to find out." Mario opened the door in front of him and looked around at the kitchen he and his brother were entering.

"Y'know, Mario, I don't think we're in the Mushroom Kingdom anymore," Luigi made the obvious reference.

"Well, DUH, Luigi! Of course we're not in the Mushroom Kingdom! This is Brooklyn! You can clearly tell that because the Brooklyn Bridge is right outside!" he said, pointing out the window.

Luigi looked out the window too. "So we're back home now? Geez, I knew it! Salvador Drainado was lying about that whole 'Last Drainpipe' crap!"

"Please don't curse, Luigi," Mario reprimanded. "I'm sure there's an explanation as to why we're somehow able to have easy access between the Mushroom World and Earth, as well as a reason why we have to make viewers question if we know we don't actually exist by always referring to the latter as the 'Real World'."

Luigi looked weirded out. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Mario's eyes shifted the other way, then back again. "I don't know..." Just then, a load of green slime dropped from out of nowhere and splattered right on Mario.

Mario had just finished getting the green slime off of his face when Mrs. J. suddenly came into the kitchen. "Oh, there you are! Are you here to babysit Junior too?"

"Babysit?" Mario jumped back. "Oh no, you're mistaken, lady. You see, my brother and I just happened to stumble into your kitchen when we were... Hey, what _were_ we doing, Luigi?"

"Uh... I give up, Mario," Luigi fidgeted. "What _were_ we doing?"

"Well, whatever it was, I can't remember it either!" Mario shook his head. "It's like we were just scripted to end up here."

"Did you come in through the back door?" Mrs. J. asked, not paying attention to what the Mario Bros. had just said, nor the fact that Junior was making faces behind her. "Never mind, it's good that's there two of you; Junior can be quite a handful. If you want, you can help yourself to anything in the refrigerator. We just bought some fresh lasagna from Gramps' Market."

"Lasagna? From Gramps' Market? Fresh? Bought?" Mario's mouth was watering.

"But Mario, have you forgotten--?" Luigi's query was cut off by Mario elbowing him in the ribs.

"Shut up, Odie!" said Mario, getting his brother's name wrong. "Everybody knows lasagna is nature's most perfect food!"

Mrs. J. took Mario and Luigi into the living room. Mr. J. was still discussing payment with Vicky when the lady of the house interrupted and said, "I'm sorry, Vicky, but we won't be needing your services."

"WHAT!" Vicky objected.

"Hey, aren't you that caretaker from that show about the foster home for imaginary friends?" Mario asked.

"These two gentlemen here have volunteered for the job," Mrs. J. fibbed, ignoring Mario, "and they're offering to do it for free."

"Fuh-ree? You just said my two favorite words, dear!" Mr. J. turned to Vicky. "You heard Ms. October, Icky. Out you go!"

"I'll throw _myself_ out, thank you!" Vicky picked herself up by the back of her shirt, dragged herself to the doorway, and threw herself out the door. Then she called back, "I believe I had a hat!" Mr. J. threw his hat to her. "Suckers!" she snickered, taking off with the hat.

Mr. and Mrs. J. walked over to the doorway. "We'll be back at around 10:30."

"10:30? You're gonna be out for a long time!" Mario checked his watch, which read 6:00.

"And please give Junior a bath?" Mrs. J. requested.

"Awww, do we have to?" Luigi whined. "Our games are rated E for Everyone. A bathtub scene might anger parents."

"Have a nice time; I know _we_ will." Mrs. J. followed her husband to their car. Once she got inside, she commanded to Mr. J., in an funnier-sounding Edna Krabapple-esque voice, "Quick, let's get out of here before those Italian stereotypes change their minds!" And with that, they zoomed off to wherever they were going.

Back inside Casa de Junior, Luigi shrugged. "Well brother, it looks like we're babysitters."

"How many times do I have to tell you to stop stating the obvious, Luigi?" Mario asked. "Besides, considering that the Princess got turned into a baby last season, maybe now we'll know the ropes to the job."

"But Mario," said Luigi, "we had plans for tonight, remember?"

"Great Scott, you're right! Excuse me a moment." Mario pulled his cell phone from out of nowhere and called up a good friend of his. "Sorry, Fred. Luigi and I aren't gonna be Bowling for Pasta and Brontosaurus Ribs with you and Barney tonight."

"Aw gee, that's too bad, Mario," said Fred Flintstone on the other line. "We were lookin' forward to joining up with you again."

"Some other time, perhaps. Bye-bye, Fred." Mario hung up the phone and put it away. "Well, Junior, what do you want to do tonight?

"Let's play hide-and-seek!" declared Junior. "And you two boobs are it!"

"Say, that's a good idea!" Luigi smiled.

"Oh no, no hide-and-seek for me. I had a bad experience with that game once," Mario said, starting up a flashback.

_"96... 97..."_

_As Mario counted with his eyes covered, a dark cloud overshadowed the moon._

_"98... 99... 100!" Mario started running around, calling, "OK, Moon, ready or not, here I come!"_

"Instead, we'll just watch one of your favorite movies," Mario decided as his flashback ended. "Where's your video collection?"

"Right there." Junior pointed to the drawers in the furniture piece where the family TV sat.

"Hmmm..." Mario looked through the videos. "'Land Before Time 87.5'; 'Lion King 1 1/3: The Monkey's Tale'; 'GI Joe: The 90-Minute Toy Ad'; 'Star Wars: Attack of the Cheesy Dialogue'; 'Barbie: Defender of Anatomically Incorrect Fashion'; 'The Berenstein Bears and the Trouble with Grammar'; 'Curious George Goes on the Oprah Show'; 'The Burger Battle Book'; 'Ernest Doesn't Go to the Beach'; 'Power Rangers: Please God Make It Stop'... 'Catwoman'? Uh, Junior, don't you have any _good_ movies?"

"They're all at my aunt's house," Junior answered. "Besides, I wanna play hide-and-seek."

"OK, so how's about we tell you a story? In fact, here's one now." Mario adopted a storytelling expression. "Once upon a time there was a big red hooding ride who sat on a muffet and said, 'Oh grandma, what big feet you got.' So he chopped off his head with a giant beanstalk and they lived happily ever after. Come on, you gotta go to bed now."

"No way!" Junior jumped up and down. "I _demand_ we play hide-and-seek!"

"Fine, fine. We'll play hide-and-seek," Mario consented. So he and Luigi covered their eyes and starting counting to a hundred while Junior looked for a good place to hide. He must not have been good at finding good places to hide in the span of one minute and forty seconds, for the Mario Bros. had reached the 90-second count by the time he looked under the sink and noticed the abnormally large pipe that neither he nor his parents had ever noticed before.

"Oh boy! Those two idiots'll never find me here!" Junior climbed into the pipe as his babysitters finished counting and started looking for him.

0-0-0

On the other end of the pipe, Junior emerged somewhere in Grassland. "This place is awesome! And that theme music is rather catchy," he said, addressing the World 1 Map background music.

Close by, a trio of Hammer Bros. peeked from behind the bushes. Wait, three Hammer Bros.? Shouldn't there have been a fourth one? Hammer Bros. always come in pairs, you know. Then, without warning, the Hammer Bros. changed into Boomerang Bros. and one of them threw a Boomerang in Junior's direction. When Junior heard the stick's telltale whistle, he caught attention of it, grabbed it, and threw it back in the direction of the Boomerang Bros., who had by now changed back into Hammer Bros. The boomerang must've been a steel one, because it sliced through a tree and sent it toppling on top of the incredible rank-changing Hammer Bros.

"Woohoo! This place is the shiznat!" Junior waved his arms triumphantly. "I hope those morons never figure out I went though a giant pipe that just happened to be under my kitchen sink."

As Junior was making his victory pose, close by walked Larry, Roy, and Ludwig Von Koopa.

"Who's that funny-looking nutjob?" Larry asked.

"And why's he got da same hair color as BJ?" Roy referred to his dad's little clone.

"I don't know," lisped Ludwig, "but from his appearance, I can tell that he's a Real Worlder!"

"A Real Worlder?" Larry looked distasteful. "You mean 'an Earthling', don't you?"

"Ov course I mean he's an Earthling!" Ludwig was frustrated with that. "I don't know vhat's up vit zis whole 'always refer to Earth as the Real World' shnit. It's like somevun vants us to believe some strange fact like ve're just sprites in a computer game."

"Or characters in an animated cartoon!" added Roy.

"Or drawings in a comic book!" contributed Larry.

"Or an illustration on a lunchbox!" Ludwig licked his lips.

"Or..." Roy's next line was cut off by Junior interrupting them.

"Hey you mondo bizzaro creatures," he said, "who are you? And what kind of place is this?"

"Haven't you ever played Nintendo?" said Larry. "This is the Mushroom Kingdom, and I'm Larry Kinglive Koopa."

"Allow me to introduce myself." Roy bowed. "I'm Roy Orbison Koopa."

"And I'm Ludwig Von Koopa. But for some reason, everyvun calls us Cheatsy, Bully, and Kooky, respectively," Ludwig explained. "I don't see vhy. Personally, I hate my apparent nickname, because it's more like a name intended for a girl. But you get the picture."

"Yeah!" said Larry. "And any enemy of the Mario Bros. is a friend of ours!"

"Even Wario?" Roy asked. "I don't recall Dad getting along well with him..."

"Are you talkin' about those two moo-cows with the moustaches who are babysitting me?" said Junior. "'Cause if you are, well, actually, I'm not really an enemy of them. I'm just harassing them. But just in case they figure out the way I came here, why don't you help me make their lives more of a living hell?"

"Why, soytenly!" said Larry. "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

0-0-0

A few minutes later, Mario and Luigi came out of the pipe that Junior had entered from. "How are you certain that Junior came through here?" Luigi asked.

"We came through here the other way, didn't we?" Mario reasoned. "If we could use this pipe to somehow end up in his kitchen, he could probably use it to end up here!"

"I still don't understand how exactly there happen to be pipes lying around in the Real Wo-- I mean, Earth, but if Junior _is_ here, then his safety's at stake!" Just as Luigi was finishing his sentence, a banana cream pie flew in from out of nowhere and hit him on the face. "Hey, what was _that_ for!"

"Oh, it must be National Don't-Mention-Meat-Or-Someone-Will-Hit-You-With-A-Banana-Cream-Pie Day!" Mario smiled, trying not to laugh at his brother's expense.

"National Don't-Mention-Meat-Or-Someone-Will-Hit-You-With-A-Banana-Cream-Pie Day? That's a lot of baloney." Just as Luigi said the last word of that sentence, another banana cream pie came up and hit his face. "And anyway, how come you didn't get hit by a banana cream pie when you earlier mentioned Bowling for Pasta and Brontosaurus Ribs?" Luigi had just finished wiping his face when yet another banana cream pie hit him on the face.

"How should I know? _You_ didn't get slimed when you said 'I don't know' back in the Sultan's palace!" Mario rolled his eyes, referring to chapter three of _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof_.

"Who cares?" said Luigi. "Junior's probably in trouble right now!"

Just then, they heard Junior whining from afar in a rather unconvincing voice. "Mario, Luigi, come help me!" he shouted. "I'm in big fat trouble, and I'm unable to do anything about it!"

"You're right," Mario acknowledged to his brother. "He's in trouble."

The Mario Bros. jumped down from the pipe and ran around, looking for Junior. "Junior, you mangy fur-brained lunkhead!" Luigi called out. "Where are you?"

Stupidly, neither of them noticed that Junior and the three-eighths of Bowser's children whom he was hanging out with were watching them from the bushes nearby, despite the fact that they were clearly sticking their heads out. "Should I yell some more?" Junior asked.

"Oh, hell no, fellow prankster!" said Larry, not noticing that Roy's head had changed orange at that point. "They're already running around like idiots; that one yell should be enough."

While Junior and Larry were discussing things and not allowing Ludwig and Roy to have any say in their conversation, a green-headed Piranha Plant came upon the Mario Bros. "Oh no! Ptooeys!" Mario incorrectly yelled out. "And it's spitting mad!"

"Boy, you _must_ have flunked math," said the Piranha Plant. "There's only one of me! Are you seeing double or something? Also, I'm a Piranha Plant, and I'm not actually spitting at the moment. I _am_ a little angry, though."

"Why?" asked Luigi.

"'Cause people keep taking certain Wikipedia articles out of categories that they _do_ belong in!" the Piranha Plant grumbled. "How can Mojo Jojo _not_ fit under the Villains category? So I think I'll take out my anger on _you!_"

"That's what you think!" From out of nowhere, Mario showed off the poster for the 2005 movie "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory".

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!" The emotionally-scarred Piranha Plant did a 'little girl scream' and ran off. During which, its green head turned red.

"How'd you do that?" Luigi asked.

"Oh, I simply just had this poster stuffed in my pockets," answered Mario, putting the poster back in his pocket.

"No, I mean getting the Ptooey's head to change color," Luigi clarified.

"Um... that is a question I'm unable to give you the answer to," said Mario, trying to avoid getting slimed again. "Anyway, I think I see Junior right there in those bushes!"

Luigi looked at the bushes his older brother was pointing to. "Where?"

"Aw crap," snapped Mario. "He must be long gone by now. How are we supposed to catch up with him now?"

Just then, a pack of Yoshies came stampeding through. "KIBBLES 'N BITS! KIBBLES 'N BITS! WE'RE GONNA GET SOME KIBBLES 'N BITS!" they chanted repeatedly, as the Mario Bros. got caught up in their riot.

0-0-0

Another few minutes later, Junior Whatever-His-Last-Name-Is, Larry Koopa, Roy Koopa, and Ludwig Von Koopa stood in front of a pyramid-shaped cave somewhere in Desert Hill. At least I assume it was in Desert Hill. "OK, OK," said Junior, "for this one, how's about we get a giant mouse-trap and bait it with pizza. And when they come to get it... SPLAT!"

"That's completely ridiculous!" said Larry. "We happen to know they're not that stupid. Instead, how's about you lure them in here?"

"Yeah!" agreed Ludwig. "I have a surprise for them in there that they'll never forget."

"Okey-dokey," said Junior.

The Yoshi stampede had brought the Mario Bros. closer to the pyramid, and fortunately, they managed to jump out of the stampeding crowd at that point. "Boy, it was a good thing that Yoshi stampede came along," said Mario, "or we'd never be able to find Junior."

"Why do you say that?" Luigi asked.

"Well, look over there!" Mario pointed to the nearby pyramid-cave.

Junior came running out of the cave, with Roy Koopa in hot pursuit. "MARIO! LUIGI!" Junior screamed, not any more convincing than before, as Roy grabbed and dragged him back inside. "SAVE ME, YOU WORTHLESS PIECES OF GAZELLE DUNG!"

"Bully Koopa's got him!" Mario stated the obvious.

"Huh? Isn't his name actually Roy Koopa?" Luigi questioned.

"Don't blame me; I don't know why DiC won't let us call Bowser's kids by their real names," said Mario. "The point is, we gotta save Junior!"

"Need any help?" asked Jenny Wakeman.

"Not now, Jenny. We got problems of our own," Mario reprimanded the teenage robot as he headed into the pyramid.

"Yeah, why don't you go make out with Brad or something?" Luigi followed his brother.

"All right, I will!" Jenny turned to bat her metallic eyelashes at her longtime (boy)friend, Brad Carbunkle. "C'mon, Brad, you wanna go exchange some French kisses behind the scenery?"

"Jen, you're speaking my language!" Brad grinned with a sexy look in his eyes. "Heh-heh, all riiiight."

The Mario Bros. ran for the pyramid-cave as Roy brought Junior inside, where Larry was waiting. "This is gonna be awesome!" said Junior. "I can't wait to see the looks on their faces!"

"They ran in here!" Mario stated the obvious again right before he and Luigi ran into the cave. They didn't quite look surprised when they saw Junior standing there pleasantly with Roy and Larry.

"Goodbye, stupids!" Junior ran off, and right behind him, a cave-in just happened to occur.

"What the hell just happened?" Mario asked.

"I don't know," Luigi answered stupidly. And just as he said, green slime dropped in and splattered all over him.

"That vuz a cave-in, you lunkheads!" Ludwig pushed a boulder in front of the cave entrance, blocking it. "And now we have you trapped!"

"Hey Mario, I think we've just been played for saps," said Luigi.

"Why don't you tell me that isn't obvious, Luigi?" Mario requested.

On the other side of the rocks, Junior, Larry, and Roy laughed wickedly at the Marios' expense. "That was awesome!" said Junior when they finished. "I'll bet Bart Simpson, Dennis the Menace, and Calvin would love to do that."

"Sure, it's fun, but the best is yet to come!" Ludwig started a valve on a crapload of pipes that just happened to be situated there.

"Say guys, this _is_ just for fun, isn't it?" Junior asked. "'Cause you see, I'm gonna have to be returning home with these guys sooner or later."

"Yeah, whatever." Ludwig sighed as he continued turning the valve.

On the Marios' end of thing, lava started pouring in and filling up the interior portion they were trapped in, forcing them to move to higher ground.

"Kooky, just what are you doing, anyway?" Junior inquired.

"I already told you, my name is Ludwig," the German-accented Koopaling corrected, "and I'm filling the cave up with lava, stupid! What does it look like I'm doing? Making a pool and filling it with lime jell-o?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa... whoa. Whoa." Junior put his hands forward with each usage of the word. "You're seriously trying to _kill_ them?"

"Geez, you seriously haven't been playing our games, have you?" said Ludwig. "Of course we're trying to kill them! We're villains!"

"Yeah!" added Larry as he and Roy grabbed Junior from behind. "And quite frankly, we've grown a bit tired of your stupidity."

"Hey, I'm not that stupid, just 'cause I've never seen you guys before!" complained Junior as the Koopalings dragged him out the back door of the cave.

"Maybe not, but your parents certainly should've told you not to take candy from strangers!" said Roy as they brought him to a nearby pipe. During which, the spike on his shell got rather stumpy.

"You didn't offer me candy," Junior corrected. "You just got me to help you prank my babysitters."

"Whatever!" said all three Koopalings, tossing Junior down the pipe.

"AaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaA!" Junior screamed like Macaulay Culkin as he fell through the pipe. He landed in the sewers below. After shaking the water off of him and the stars away from his head, he got up on the platforms above. "Yeesh! I can't believe I considered those Koopa guys my friends!"

"You see, little boy?" said Willy Wonka, showing up from behind a wall. "This is the kind of stuff that happens when you join a bad gang." And then he played some musical notes on his small kazoo. Eight Oompa Loompas came in from behind, singing to their signature tune.

"Oompa Loompa, doopity dap,  
You have been played for a stupid sap,  
Oompa Loompa, doopity deeps,  
Helping those nasty Koopaling creeps.

What do you get when you do things like that?  
Becoming worse at the drop of a hat?  
It's as different as the day and the night.  
Are you aware that it's not right?  
Maybe it's too much for you.

Oompa Loompa, doopity dell,  
Take our advice and you will do well.  
You'll be living an upright life,  
Like the Oompa Loompa doopity dife.

Doopity-dife!"

As soon as the Oompa Loompas finished their song, they and Mr. Wonka immediately ran off. Junior was still trying to figure out the candyman's involvement in this episode when he suddenly noticed he was about to be smashed by a Thwomp. Luckily, he ran off just in time, avoiding similar fates by a few more Thwomps.

"I should've stayed back home and watched one of those crappy movies," Junior muttered, not noticing that he was being followed. "I could even stand to sit through 'Curious George Goes on the Oprah Show' right now. But noooo, I had to come here!" It was at that point that he spun around and noticed two Boo Buddies cowering behind him. "Hey, who are you? And why are you covering your eyes like that?"

"Ugh." Boo Buddy #1 took his hands off of his eyes. "We're Boos! We're freakin' ghosts! Don't you know the basics around here?"

"Yeah!" added Boo Buddy #2. "We follow you around when you're not looking at us, and then make pathetic attempts to hide ourselves when you look in our direction!"

"What kind of ghosts are you?" Junior criticized.

"Why you little!" Boo Buddy #1 put on his most fearsome expression and made a spooky noise with his lungs. This was enough to scare Junior into jumping three time his own height into the air.

"Say, #1," Boo Buddy #2 addressed his companion, "how come we never do that on the Mario Bros.?"

"We have to be sneaky, you idiot!" Boo Buddy #1 tried to slap his companion, but couldn't connect.

Then a Boom-Boom came running through the passage. "And who are you?"

"I'm Boom-Boom the Mini-Boss Koopa," the brute introduced himself. "I run this place with an iron fist, cheap suits, and really bad breath! And I'm in a bad mood, so if you get in the way of my fists, it's _your_ fault!"

"Whoa!" Junior jumped over Boom-Boom as he was passing by. Ignoring the fact that he had just avoided being murdered by two ghosts and another anthropomorphic turtle, Junior cowardly ran through the maze. "MARIO! LUIGI!" he cried. "NOW I _REALLY_ NEED YOU TO SAVE ME, YOU WORTHLESS PIECES OF GAZELLE DUNG!"

0-0-0

Back in the pyramid-cave, Mario and Luigi were still backing away from the lava that they were trapped with. "Boy, looks like a hot time in the old volcano tonight!" Luigi stated the obvious some more. Wait, now the cave was a volcano? Did I miss something?

"Luigi, will you quit being so frank?" The moment Mario finished saying that, a banana cream pie flew in and hit his face. "I mean, stop stating the obvious! We're blowing this popstand!" Mario pulled a sledge and mallet out of a toolbox that he didn't have in any previous shots. Using it, he hammered at one of the blocks in the wall, as if he were trying to make a hole in the wall. But instead, he just knocked the block out of the wall to the exterior.

Luigi climbed through the hole. "Hey, Mario, I'm stuck!" he griped.

"You're stuck! How can that be possible? You're thinner than I am! _I_ should be the one who gets stuck in there, and furthermore..." Mario suddenly realized the lava was reaching his waist. With a "Yipe!" he pushed Luigi through the wall-hole and climbed it through it himself. Surprisingly, his legs had managed to defy the laws of lava physics and avoid being burned off.

Luigi placed the block back where it was before the lava could even come pouring out. "That was a close one!"

"You sure about that?" Mario nitpicked. "My legs clearly should've been burned off by the lava. It was practically up to my knees and I'm still alive right now! What the hell was up with that?"

"Oh no." Luigi stood firm. "You're not gonna make me get slimed again! I am _not_ going to say 'I don't know'!" But then green slime dropped in on him anyway, because he _did_ say the trigger phrase.

Just then, the both of them heard the Koopalings laughing again. They peeked on the other side of the cave-- I mean, volcano, and saw the three Koopalings standing there with Ludwig's lava-filling thingy. How did he bring it outside? "That brat sure was an idiot! Did you see the look on his face when he heaved him into the Pipe Maze?"

"Uh, not really," answered Roy. "I was facing his backside at the time."

"Oh no! Junior's trapped in the Pipe Maze? Now we _are_ in a stew!" A banana cream pie then came and hit Luigi on the face.

"You got a point, Weege. His folks would have a real beef wi--" Before Mario could finish his sentence, a banana cream pie came and hit his face. "I guess we should've stuck with the original dialogue," he said as they walked over to the pipe nearby. "At least we know that the writers at least got the Pipe Maze's name right!"

The Bros. leaped down the pipe, which somehow deposited them in a different area of the sewers from where Junior had landed earlier. They had just managed to dodge two Thwomps when Boom-Boom came running up. "Hey, Luigi, how's about we perform one of our special Bros. Moves on Boom-Boom here?"

"OK," said Luigi.

The enemy battle music from Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga started playing as Luigi jumped in front of Mario. Mario jumped on his green-clad brother's outstretched hands, and Luigi threw him into the air.

"Hey, this is Super Mario Bros. 3! You can't do that move!" Boom-Boom's nitpicking was cut short by Mario landing his shoes right on him and draining all of his HP. Mario jumped back and struck a victorious pose as some red bars appeared nearby, showing 107 being added to his number of experience points.

"Nice move, Mario! You upped your experience points!" There was no stopping Luigi's obvious-stating.

"Hey, aren't you gonna notice us?" complained Boo Buddy #1 from behind Luigi.

Luigi looked at the strangely revealing-themselves Boo Buddies. "Shouldn't you be trying to hide yourself?"

"Normally, we would," explained Boo Buddy #2, "but this episode's writer doesn't seem to know that."

"Oh, really? And I suppose he thinks I can do... _this!_" Luigi made a positively scary expression with his own face and put out his hands like a monster. His teeth even got spiky at that point.

"Hey!" whimpered Boo Buddy #1. "You're supposed to be scared of us!"

"Like you said," Luigi bit back, "the writer doesn't know anything about us. Now I believe this is the part where you run away." And that's just what the Boo Buddies did. Later on, they were kicked out of the Loyal Order of Boos for being such disgraces to Boodom. Afterwards, they unsuccessfully tried their hands at antagonizing Pac-Man, and then went on to become soldiers of the ghosts in Sonic Adventure 2, but that's another story.

Junior came out from a pipe he was hiding behind. "Is that you, God? It's me, Somebody Junior."

"Junior?" Mario and Luigi ran up to the pipe Junior came out of hiding from. Mario looked sensitive at first, but then an angry look crossed his eyes and he exploded in anger. "I'M GONNA KILL YOU, JUNIOR! I'll strangle you! Then I'm gonna bury you, then dig you up and clone you! Then I'm gonna kill all your clones! And then, I'm never talking to you again!"

"Eeeeep!" Junior almost wet himself.

Mario laughed like Peter Griffin. "No, no, I'm kidding. That's just something I heard in a movie that you oughta add to your video collection. Or preferably, your DVD collection, if you got one."

"Aw, man," Junior kicked dirt, "my DVD collection _is_ my good movie collection, which is at my aunt's house, in case you forget. Anyway, you gotta get me outta here. I've been sung to by orange midgets and tormented by incompetent ghosts!"

"Orange midgets, you say?" Mario looked at the "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" poster again. "Well, it's a good thing you didn't encounter _this_ version's kind."

Up above, Ludwig had somehow constructed his pipe-valve thingy into an even bigger monstrosity and connected to a hose that sprawled into the Pipe Maze. As they looked at the new-and-improved pipe-valve thingy, Roy didn't notice that his shell had changed green, and Larry didn't bother to point it out.

"OK guys," said Ludwig, "I've somehow deduced that the Marios have managed to escape the volcano and are now in the Pipe Maze with that Earth fool. So why don't we heat things up down there?"

"Good idea!" Roy was speaking with a deeper voice than usual for no reason. "I don't know how we know those pain-in-the-tail plumbers escaped that last trap, but this oughta send 'em and their little brat to Hell! Oh, oh, pardon my language."

Ludwig turned the valve on his machine, and by that, I mean he threw a switch. Lava started flowing from the machine's hose and into the Pipe Maze. As the lava went down the pipe and started flooding the maze, some strange unidentifiable voices belted out a song about how to avoid being burned. Wait, didn't they already sing that song back in the last chapter of the first _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof_? Anyway, the song must've had more of an impact here than the first time around, because all the enemies in the Pipe Maze ran for cover. The same went for the Mario Bros. and Junior, who stupidly ran like cowards from the lava rather than find higher platforms like the enemies were doing. Fortunately, Mario and Luigi both managed to conveniently find Blocks that housed Super Leaves, so they were both able to put on Raccoon Suits and fly Junior out of the Pipe Maze to the safe ground above.

"That was awesome!" said Junior. "I didn't know you guys could grow raccoon tails and somehow use them to suspend yourself in midair."

"Well, they don't call us super for nothing!" Luigi bragged, his mouth movement not matching his dialogue again.

"We better move them, or we'll have to change the adjective in our franchise's name to 'barbequed'!" Mario yelled. "Those little Koopa bastards must've superheated the volcano!" The volcano then erupted and sent dirt and gravel flying everywhere, some of which landed right on Junior's face. "We're not usually ones for clogging up pipes, but in this case, we'd better close up that volcano!"

"Aw, can't somebody else do it?" Luigi whined, trying to clean Junior's face with his hands. "Besides, we gotta bring Junior home."

"Sorry, Luigi, but we can't," Mario pointed. "Like Princess Peach says, this is _our_ show, and we should handle our own problems. So let's prevent that volcano from blowing this place sky high!"

So in less than four seconds, Mario and Luigi had constructed a giant catapult out of trees and logs, and then gathered up a boulder that happened to be large enough to close up the top of the volcano. Luigi struggled to place the boulder on the catapult. "Aw shit, Mario! I can't get it on there!"

"What kinda wimp are you, Weege? We still have Raccoon Power!" Mario then batted his Raccoon Tail against the boulder onto the catapult, despite the fact that his tail would more likely have been weaker than Luigi's hands. Getting up on the boulder, he proclaimed, "Boulders away!" Luigi pulled the rope, and up went Mario and the boulder. Mario managed to guide the boulder so that it landed right on the volcano, closing it up. Ignoring the fact that the lava pressure would probably build up and dislodge the boulder, Mario flew back to where Luigi and Junior stood.

"Um... am I supposed to say that was awesome?" Junior looked confused. "It kinda looked scripted to me. Oh well. Way to go, Mario!"

"For a first-time plumbers' helper, you weren't bad yourself," Mario congratulated.

"What are you talking about, Mario?" Luigi looked angry. "Junior did nothing to help this whole episode! In fact, it's partially his fault we almost got killed today! Congratulating him like this is a load of baloney. Oops!" Just as he was saying that last word, yet another banana cream pie hit him in the face. "Besides," he said, checking his watch, "his folks are gonna be home in fifteen minutes!"

"It's 10:15 PM already?" Mario was flabbergasted. "This whole escapade was more like less than eleven minutes than five-and-a-half hours! But since we're on DiC Entertainment's nonexistent payroll, we might as well get back to that warp zone."

0-0-0

One scene-switch later, the Mario Bros. and Junior crawled out from under the sink in Junior's kitchen. "We're back in my kitchen!" Junior commented. "Amazing!"

"Did those Koopalings give you drugs or something before they threw you into the Pipe Maze, Junior?" Mario asked. "This plot point doesn't sound amazing if you ask me. If you ask me, what _is_ amazing is the fact that it's supposed to be 10:30 PM, but it's still light outside!"

Just then, they heard the family car coming in, and Junior's dad calling from outside, "Luuuuucy, we're home!"

"Oh, must you say that every time we come home?" They heard Junior's mom saying.

"Uh-oh. Did Mom tell you to give me a bath before they got home?" Junior asked his babysitters.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure she did," said Luigi.

"Well, get me in that bathtub already!" Junior jumped on Mario's shoulders. "Or my folks'll never let you babysit me again. That is, if you want to."

"We don't. But since not doing a favor is a bad influence to our viewers, we'll do it." Mario carried Junior upstairs, with Luigi running ahead to the bathroom. Strangely, as they were running up the stairs, none of them noticed that someone had apparently broken into the living room and stolen the TV and most of the furniture.

In the bathroom, Luigi turned on the hot water and even found time to add in the bubble formula. Mario brought Junior in and plopped him in the tub, paying no attention to his clothes having changed from red to green in the shot where he did that. "Is there any reason you're putting me in the tub with my clothes on?" Junior asked.

"Well, I figure it's to avoid angry letters from parents," Mario answered. "Either that, or DiC can't draw and animate people in their birthday suits very well."

Mrs. J. came into the bathroom, looking a bit peeked. "Junior, do you have any idea what happened to the furn--" She suddenly stopped and noticed that he was sitting right there in the bubble bath. "Why, Junior! You're taking a bath! How did you do that?" she asked the Marios, whose Raccoon Suits were being covered up by the bubbles.

"Uh..." Luigi put an umbrella over his head. "I don't know?" Sure enough, green slime fell down when he said that, but then time he didn't get hit because of his umbrella.

"Well, now I know I can trust you boys." Mrs. J. then switched to her Edna Krabapple voice again. "You think you could sit again Friday night?"

"Oh boy!" Junior jumped in the tub. "That would be super!"

Mario and Luigi hit their foreheads with their palms. "Forget it, lady!" Mario said, walking out of the bathroom. "That kid is a menace!"

"Yeah, get somebody else!" Luigi followed his brother. "I think Mary Poppins is still available."

Junior leaned against the side of the tub and frowned. "Boy, some people have no integrity."

* * *

Sorry it took so long to publish this chapter after the first one. But at least it's done now. And be sure to tune in for chapter three - "A Toadally Magical Adventure"; there's a big group showing up for that one!

Oh, and Happy Independence Day, everybody!


	3. A Toadally Magical Adventure

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Mario or the Fairly OddParents or anything else featured here. I don't even own Fred the Spanyard, Bill the Extra Guy, or Dr. Donez; Jay Resop owns them. (And I had to ask for his permission to use them!)

**Author's Note:** I'm not quite sure, but somebody apparently requested that I write a fanfic novelization of "A Toadally Magical Adventure". Seeing how, back when TV Tome had MUCH nicer forum-goers, someone pointed out the episode having a similar plot to the first "Fairly OddParents!" movie. So I figured on having the fic contain much elements of "Abra-Catastrophe!" But in the end, I decided that since the episode was featured on the first of the two DVDs this fanfic is making fun of, why bother making it a separate story from this? So, whoever requested a novelization of the episode, this is the closest you'll get!

* * *

**"A Toadally Magical Adventure"**

Sky Land was what they called the kingdom in the sky that stretched above the Mushroom World. At least it was _one_ of the kingdoms in the Mushroom World's sky. It wasn't the same kingdom as Nimbus Land, let me tell you that. But anyway, on this particular day, a certain messenger was standing in front of an office building that looked more like a castle. This messenger fellow was obviously somebody whom nobody really paid any attention to. But surprisingly, he was going to play a medium-sized part of the events that followed, so we'll call him Al.

As the episode opened, Al read the marquee above the entrance. "'Ace Magic Wand Factory - A New Wand Made Every Century'. This must be the place! But why would they give a name like 'Ace' to such a slow service? It's just not right!"

As Al walked into the place, he was greeted by the company's president, vice president, chairman, CEO, and only employee, the Wand Maker. He did not have a big role here, so I will _ not_ be giving him a better name. "Here it is, young fellow!" he said, speaking his only line. "The magic wand your boss ordered! The Plotdevice Wand, personally handcrafted by the best little ol' wand maker in the world, which is me!"

"Well, let's see it!" Al ordered.

The Wand Maker handed Al the case wherein was the item he had been sent to pick up - the Plotdevice Wand. It was a glowing wand, obviously a magic one. All wands in the Nintendo Universe were magical. But the Plotdevice Wand was extra special, because instead of having an orb like the wands that the Koopalings stole in Super Mario Bros. 3, it had a crystal. With this special wand in its case, Al took it and exited the building by way of trap door platform.

Elsewhere in Sky Land, in his castle, Al's boss, the Wizard King of the West watched these events on his big-screen crystal ball. "Finally! I thought that slowpoke would never finish that wand! What's it been, fifty years? I should've picked some other company to build that wand. Oh well. Now that I know it's finished, I can watch the baseball game."

Suddenly, the crystal ball began to fog up. "Oh, damn it!" the Wizard King cursed. "Living up in the Sky causes such problems with my TV reception!" When the picture cleared, it revealed Larry Koopa standing on a cliff in Sky Land's ground region, looking through a telescope. "A Koopa? What's he doing on my crystal ball monitoring screen?"

The crystal ball's picture pulled back to reveal King Bowser Koopa himself and the rest of the Koopalings standing right behind Larry. "Hey, King Dad!" Larry was saying. "That wimp with the wand has just touched down."

"EXCELLENT!" Bowser gloated. "This magic detector may have cost me 43 Koopabits, but it'll be worth it once I, King Koopa, take control of the Plotdevice Wand, and prove once and for all the existence of..." At this point, he suddenly jumped into a brief series of spasms. "..._**FAIRY GODPARENTS!**_"

Iggy and Lemmy Koopa stared at their dad. Iggy started a comment. "That was..."

"...really messed up," said Lemmy, finishing it.

"Holy crap! King Koopa and his brat pack are out to Koopacly my Plotdevice Wand!" the Wizard King gasped, using his inhuman deduction powers to put two and two together, but not realizing that he had just used a made-up word in his sentence. "I'd better call for help."

0-0-0

Down in the Mushroom Kingdom, inside Toad's House, Mario and Luigi (they sure spend a lot of time there, don't they?) were watching Cartoon Network with Toad's sister, Toadette. "Hey Luigi," Mario asked, "is Count Spankulot a vampire, or is he just a guy dressed up like one?"

"Come again?" Luigi responded.

"Well, he's got those big fangs," Mario reasoned. "Have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on them?"

Luigi looked shocked. "You're asking if they've done a 'Codename: Kids Next Door' episode in which Count Spankulot kills somebody and drinks their blood for sustenance?"

"Yeah, that's it."

"No, I'm pretty sure it's never been done," Luigi answered.

Toad suddenly came running, with a bath towel wrapped around his waist. "Hey, guys! My bathtub drain is clogged up!"

"Did you try simply jiggling the switch, big brother?" Toadette asked.

"Yes, sis, and it ain't workin'," Toad replied, disgruntled.

"OK then, let us handle it!" Mario peeled off of the couch, grabbed Luigi, and went into Toad's bathroom. For some reason, Toad's bathtub was perched above its pipes, so Mario was easily able to get under it and fix them with his monkey wrench. "Watch and learn, Toadie! Once I turn this wrench, your bathtub will be draining faster than me when I'm invincible. Well, maybe not faster, but it'll be draining nonetheless."

Just then, the image of the Wizard King appeared on Toad's bathtub water. "Mario! And his green look-alike! I need your help!"

"Hey, Mario, look!" Luigi shouted. "The Wizard King of the West just appeared in the water!"

Upon hearing his brother, Mario jumped up, banging his head on the bottom of the bathtub. Rubbing his head, he looked at the water. "Whoa! Toadie, you never told us your bathtub doubled as a TV screen."

"I'm coming in through a bathtub? Rats!" said the Wizard King. "I was aiming to contact you via television! Anyway, those Koopa bastards are gonna steal my magic wand if you don't stop them!"

"Oh, that's old news, Kingy!" scoffed Mario. "We got your wand back in the game, remember?"

"No no no!" the Wizard King corrected. "This is a very special magic wand I've been waiting half a century for; it's the Plotdevice Wand!"

"The Plotdevice Wand!" said the Mario Bros. in unison.

"Sounds like a corny plot device if you ask me," said Mario.

Toad hopped on Mario's monkey wrench, which was still attached to the pipe. "What's he talkin' about?" he asked, not noticing that he was making the pipe turn and drain the water.

"I've somehow deduced that they plan to ambush my messenger near this waterfall in th-" But before the Wizard King could finish his statement, the water finished draining, taking the message with it.

"Oh, nice goin', Toadie!" Mario scolded. "Thanks to you, the message went down the drain!"

Toad looked angry. "Y'know, dat is _so_ predictable! You guys always blame me for problems like dat! I probably shouldn't even tell you dat I know da location of da waterfall da Wizard King was about to mention."

"You know the location of the waterfall that the Wizard King was about to mention?" Luigi repeated Toad's statement without a Brooklyn accent.

"Of course!" Toad immediately dropped his angry speech from his previous line. "It's not far from World 5-2."

"I don't remember a waterfall on the ground portion of Sky Land in Super Mario Bros. 3," said Mario.

"Dat's 'cause you most likely didn't go near it!" said Toad. "Now let's go save dat wand!"

"An adventure? That's terrific!" declared Toadette. "Can I go along?"

"No, Toadette; I already told you, you're only fit for a sports game!" Toad dashed out with the Mario Bros., leaving Toadette in the bathroom.

0-0-0

One scene-switch later, Toad, the Mario Bros., and Princess Peach Toadstool were "now entering Sky Land", according to the sign nearby. "Thanks for agreeing to come along, Princess," said Mario, "even though you're probably not going to be of any actual help."

"Well, I'm willing to get out of the castle today," Princess Peach replied. "Daddy's been disinfecting it for Poison Mushrooms, and he doesn't know how to put the cap back on the can."

"Look! Dere's da waterfall!" Toad pointed to the badly-drawn waterfall in the background. "I toldja I'd get us to it!"

"And that must be the Wizard King's messenger!" Luigi pointed downward. "Looks like he's still got the wand."

"Well, I, for one, am glad the Koopas haven't yet ambushed him." Mario rubbed his hands with glee. "I've got a little surprise for them."

Down below, Al the messenger was walking around cautiously. "Geez," he said to himself, "why'd I decide to take the ground route back to the castle? Considering it's also up in the Sky, I could've just walked back up there!"

Suddenly, Bowser and his eight kids leapt out from behind the cliff they had been standing on (it wasn't very high up). "Stand and deliver!" Bowser commanded. "Surrender your magical device to me, Turner, and I might spare your life once the world is mine!"

"Magical device? You mean the Plotdevice Wand?" Al tried unsuccessfully to look defiant. "Sorry, bud, if you want it, go get one of your own."

"I don't have time for games!" yelled Bowser. "Give me the Plotdevice Wand, _now!_"

"Hey papa," Bowser Koopa Jr. tugged on his dad's tail, interrupting the big guy's demands. "I have this strange feeling that we're being watched."

"Vell, ov course ve're being vatched, BJ!" Ludwig Von Koopa spoke up. "This is a Saturday morning cartoon ve are on!"

"No, not _that_ way!" said Bowser Jr. "I mean, there's somebody hiding somewhere in the scenery, waiting to come out!"

"Y'know, I t'ink maybe Princie's right!" said Roy Koopa. "I feel like something's about to swoop outta da shadows too!"

"I'll bet it's that wretched Teamo Supremo coming back to humiliate me again!" Wendy O. Koopa's eyes shifted about.

"Still blaming them for your loss at taking over America, Koo-er, Wendy?" Larry tried to avoid getting her name wrong.

"Bah! Rubbish!" scoffed Morton Koopa Jr. "This talk of shadows and stalkers is distracting us from stealing that wand!"

"Are we going to get a..." started Lemmy.

"...line in this conversation?" finished Iggy.

Just then, the Koopas heard a familiar voice coming from a cloud of smoke that had appeared on one of the blocks overhead. "I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the airborne scourge that stomps on your minions!" The smoke parted to reveal Mario, not dressed the way he usually was. His whole outfit was now black and dark grey in all areas, right down to the bat-like cape he had put on. Pointed triangles stuck out from his now-black hat, and a black headband went around his eyes, which now bore no pupils. In short, he now had the look of a dark crimefighter, but it didn't quite help that he was wearing it in the daytime. "I... am Super Mario! All right, Koopas, surrender peacefully, or I shall have to get nasty," he demanded, his grey-clad arms crossed.

Bowser cringed at his nemesis' new look. "Why are you wearing that ridiculous outfit?"

"Ridiculous? This is a dark superhero costume!" Mario held out his dark cape. "Can you believe that a lot of game players out there think that Nintendo is for kiddies? As if! Our console's the only one that has Resident Evil 4, for crying out loud!"

"I thought that game vuz ported to ze PlayStation 2," Ludwig pointed out.

"It was? Damn!" Mario swore. "Remind me to sue. Anyway, if those zealots want dark, I'll give 'em dark! Uh, how's about we come back here 10 to 12 hours from now and pick up from here?"

"Forget it, Mario; your new costume isn't intimidating me any! And because of your interference, my prize is running off!" Bowser indicated Al running off in the opposite direction. "I'll take care of you later! C'mon, kids, the Plotdevice Wand is ours!"

"Oh no it's not!" Spreading his cape, Mario leaped after the Koopas.

As the Koopas gained on him, Al ran right into the rest of Mario's group, whom he had left standing close by the waterfall for no reason. "Are you and that Batman wannabe here to save me?" asked Al.

"If by 'dat Batman wannabe' you're referring to Mario, den yes, we're here to save ya!" Toad picked up Al and the Plotdevice Wand's case with his bare hands. "Good t'ing I somehow run faster when I'm carryin' something!"

"No one's going anywhere!" Bowser had by now managed to catch up with Al and made a defiant pose, his kids standing right behind him. "Once again, I demand that you surrender your magic-based artifact, Turner, so that I may prove the existence of..." He jumped into brief spasms again. "..._**FAIRY GODPARENTS!**_"

"What was up with that?" Luigi asked.

"I t'ink maybe dat huge collection of wands he's got back home has given him some sort of magic obsession," theorized Toad.

"Probably," said Peach, "but I don't see how that relates to his spasms."

Mario had by now caught up to the Koopas and was trying to keep his balance on some Note Blocks above. "Koopas! I demand you give up trying to steal that wand! I have Plumberangs in this invisible utility belt of mine, and I'm not afraid to use 'em!"

"How many times do I have to tell you, plumber-man?" Bowser was unconvinced. "You're not scaring me!"

"Yeah!" added Wendy. "Can it, you nit!"

"Mario, brace yourself!" Luigi leaped over the Koopas and hit the block that his brother was standing on. As Mario went an inch upward with a dazed expression and tiny stars running in circles around his head, a Fire Flower sprouted up from the block that Luigi had hit.

By the time Mario finished collecting himself, he had landed on the Fire Flower and gained its power. Instantly, all the gray and black on his costume changed to white (or orange) and orangish-red. "Aw, nuts! This totally ruins my dark look!" he complained. "I knew I should've picked Warner Bros. to produce my animated series!"

"Mario, you nimrod!" Luigi called. "You've become Fiery Mario now! Use that ability!"

"Hey, you're right!" Mario warmed up two fireballs in his hands. "OK, Koopas, you don't wanna surrender? Fine! Burn for it!"

"Holy crap, he's shooting fireballs now! He _has_ become intimidating!" shouted Bowser, recalling his past defeats at the hands of Fiery Mario. "Let's get the hell out of here, kids!"

"Right behind ya, papa!" Bowser Jr. yelled out among his seven siblings.

The Koopalings followed their dad as Mario shot his fireballs at them. Surprisingly, his aim must've been off, because none of the fireballs were actually hitting the bad guys. Bowser then dove into the river protruding from the waterfall, completely ignoring the fact that the water would more than likely give a sore throat to his fire breath. His eight kids followed suit, completely ignoring the fact that Ludwig's fire breath would probably also get a sore throat. Pretty soon, the nine Koopas had gone down the river, not to be seen again for a while.

Mario's companions ran up to him as he touched down. "_Que buena,_ Mario!" Peach congratulated. "You did it!"

Mario looked disappointed. "What do you mean? All my shots missed. I thought only villains had lousy aim when it came to things like fireballs."

"Don't be silly, Mario! The important t'ing is dat da Plotdevice Wand is safe!" Toad proudly held up Al and the case. "Now let's go back to my house for lunch."

"OH BOY!" Mario exclaimed. "I'm so hungry I could eat an Octorok!"

0-0-0

Shortly afterward, the group, including Al the messenger, was back at Toad's House, having just eaten lunch. "Y'know, you oughta thank me, gang," said Toad.

"I beg your pardon?" Mario was by now back in his normal clothes.

"If I didn't bring youse to da ambush site," Toad pointed out, "we wouldn't have been able to save da Plotdevice Wand before King Koopa could use it to grow bigger, or live forever, or whatever it is dis t'ing actually does."

"He's right!" said Luigi. "He doesn't even have a game with his name in the title, and it's thanks to him that we just saved the Plotdevice Wand!"

"Uh, right." Toad then prepared to open up the case housing the Plotdevice Wand. "And therefore, do you think I could..." But then Peach suddenly snapped the case shut on his fingers. "...YEOW!"

"NO!" Peach, Mario, Luigi, and Al shouted in unison as Toad hopped about, clutching his fingers in pain.

"The King told me that the Plotdevice Wand is the most powerful of all the wands in the Mushroom World. It can grant whatever the bearer wants it to do, kinda like a magic muffin. But only a trained magician can touch it without danger," said Al. "A-a-and you don't qualify!"

"Why can't I?" Toad complained. "I'm able to make colored monsters disappear by placin' 'em next to bombs of da same color! Why shouldn't I be allowed to make use of dat wand? I say dis is just _more_ anti-midget crap!"

"I don't know," Mario said, and then suddenly, green slime dumped right on him. "Dang it! I thought that running gag was done with in the last episode! Anyway, I'm not sure why we don't want you using it. It's probably some plot element. Well, Luigi and I are gonna go rent a movie. We'll be back in about half an hour."

"Yeah, and I'm gonna take a nap," said Peach, heading for the bedroom.

"And I'm going outside," said Al. "I happen to enjoy gardening!"

Once everyone else had left the room, Toad looked around, then at the case that housed the Plotdevice Wand. "Only a trained magician can touch that wand," he mocked the messenger. "Puh! But what if da Koopas find my house and attack? I couldn't let da princess be catched, could I?"

"Don't you mean 'caught'?" Toadette piped from behind him.

Toad turned his back toward the wand's case. "What are _you_ doin' here, sis?"

"Well, I was watching you try to use that Plotdevice Wand you and the others were just discussing," she said, "not to mention pointing out the grammatical typos in this script!"

There was a pause. An evil pause. A pause so evil, it was diabolically evil!

Toad finally broke the immoral pause by asking, "Well, what's it to you, sis?"

"Nothing, really," Toadette answered. "But since I've caught you in the act of disobeying the Princess' commands, I'm telling on you!"

"Oh no, ya don't!" Toad pulled out a beaker of knockout gas and sprayed it in Toadette's face. "Da power of Miyamoto compels you! Da power of Miyamoto compels you!" And with that, Toadette dropped off to sleep.

After dropping Toadette off in the bed where Peach was resting, Toad walked back to the Plotdevice Wand's case and opened it up. "No one's gonna stop me from takin' a swing wit' da Plotdevice Wand; not Koopas, not aliens, not moneymakers, not even annoying little sisters! Nothin' will stop me from takin' over da world!" He roared with Dr. Evil-style laughter as a background of fire appeared behind him. Then he caught himself and said, "Oops. Pardon me; wrong popular cartoon show."

With that, Toad set forth on trying out the Plotdevice Wand. First, he gave two buckets and a pair of arms to a broom, which he commanded to go fetch water from the Mushroom Sea to fill up his swimming pool/hot tub. While the broom was at work carrying buckets of water, Toad went into his kitchen and got out his dinner party supplies, which he then brought to life to perform dinner preparations in a musical fashion. Then he brought Toadette's stuffed animals to life and made them gallop around the house until they found the cookie jar. Strangely, the stuffed animals' rampage didn't wake up Peach and Toadette, and Al was too busy shucking corn to pay attention to the broom filling up Toad's pool/tub. While Al wasn't looking, Toad used the wand to turn a pumpkin into a limousine, which he then gave to Miss T. so she could go to Prince Peasley's ball. Finally, he turned Gaz's Geno doll into a real boy (he then went off to battle a whale), and Gaz himself into a prince so he could go romance some princess over in an Arabian-based world that he had to reach via warp pipe.

After doing all this, Toad said to himself, "Why am I wastin' time imitatin' scenes from Disney movies? I should be protectin' my house from dose no-good SOB Koopas! But what could I use to combat dem? My latest item shipment is late dis week!" It was then that he noticed a pile of blue and purple pipes that just happened to be lying on the ground outside of his house. "Dat's it! I need some giant pipe creatures!"

Toad ran outside and aimed the Plotdevice Wand at the pipes. "Pipes, I command ya to come to life and dance!" With that, a shiny light came over the pipes, transforming them into Giant Anthropomorphic Pipe Monsters. When they opened their eyes, they started dancing to the background music.

"Hey! Dat's not bad," said Toad. "I don't see why dey only want trained magicians usin' dis wand. I'm pretty good at it! All right, pipe monsters, I command you to dance faster!"

But the Pipe Monsters stopped dancing. Then the Blue Pipe Monster spoke up. "You're kidding, right?"

"OK, so maybe dat whole dancin' thing's a bit retarded." Toad didn't seem surprised that the Pipe Monsters were speaking to him. "Anyway, I, da great wizard Toad, command youse ta defend dis house from da evil Koopas!"

"Oh no you don't!" yelled the Purple Pipe Monster. "If you wanna defend your household from a bunch of taxmen, do it yourself!"

"Here, I'll take that." Blue Pipe Monster grabbed the Plotdevice Wand from Toad's hand.

"And _you_ can take this!" Purple Pipe Monster clouted Toad in the face.

After shaking away the tiny Sidesteppers that were running in circles around his head, Toad shouted at the Pipe Monsters. "Wait a minute! Why are _ you_ rebellin' against me when da other things I brought to life didn't?"

"They were probably all smaller than you," Purple Pipe Monster explained.

"Anyway, why don't you put _this_ in your scrapbook?" Blue Pipe Monster zapped some nearby brick Blocks, changing them into abnormally large Pile Driver Micro-Goombas.

Toad watched the transformation in awe. "So _dat's_ how Bowser makes dose things! Oh, wait a second." Then he proceeded to run all over the place, screaming in terror. "Yiiiiie! Help! Pile Driver Micro-Goomba alert! Unfortunate plot twist! Oh, terror! Oh, danger! Oh, horror! Oh, terror and danger and horror! Helllp! Servant in need of help! Major assistance required! Oh, panic! Oh, jeopardy! Oh, double jeopardy! Oh, final jeopardy! Help to da fifth power! Why are you just sitting dere watching TV? Pile Driver Micro-Goombas are on da looooooose!"

The Giant Anthropomorphic Pipe Monsters laughed like maniacs as Toad ran like nuts from their Pile Drivers. Unbeknownst to them, they were being watched by two certain villainous someones.

"Get a load of dose things, Waluigi!" Wario said, looking through his binoculars. "That's something ya don't see everyday."

"You sure 'bout that, bro?" said Waluigi. "I mean, this world constantly puts up with attacks by anthropomorphic turtles and crocodiles and other weird villains like those."

"Yeah, but how often do you see anthropomorphic pipes?" Wario handed the binoculars to his companion.

"Great Scott!" Waluigi's eyes almost popped through the binoculars. "How is this possible?"

Wario took the binoculars back and set his eyes on the rod in Blue Pipe Monster's hand. "Hmmmm... take a look at this, Waluigi."

Waluigi looked through the binoculars again. "Aha... that must be one powerful stick. It's got a crystal on it instead of the usual orb."

"With that kinda baton, I could own _all_ the riches in the Mushroom World!" Wario rubbed his hands with glee.

"Yeah!" said Waluigi. "Not to mention make servants out of Luigi and Mario!"

"Wonderful! Let's go steal it." With his sidekick behind him, Wario ran up to the Pipe Monsters and yelled out, "Hey you!"

"Eh?" Blue Pipe Monster looked down at Wario. "Are you those taxmen that shrimpy little guy from earlier was afraid of?"

"We don't know 'bout no taxmen!" shouted Waluigi. "We just want your wand! So hand it over!"

"Nothin' doin', ugly boys!" said Purple Pipe Monster. "Show 'em whatcha got, Bluey!"

Blue Pipe Monster pounded his fist into the ground, attempting to squash the intruders. But Wario, despite his girth, was quick on his feet, and he managed to jump away from the impact. Then he jumped into Blue Pipe Monster's fist and tugged out the Plotdevice Wand. "Ha-haa!" he cackled, climbing on top of Blue Pipe Monster's head. "Behold, Mr. Smartypants! _I'm_ your master now! I hold your stupid wand!"

"That's right!" Waluigi had climbed up Purple Pipe Monster's back and was now perched on his head. "Either you do as we say, or we'll zap ya down to nothin'!"

"Well, when you put it that way... what are your orders, sirs?" Blue Pipe Monster asked obediently.

"Excellent!" said Wario. "I order youse to bring us to the pizza place!"

"Yeah!" agreed Waluigi. "Then bring us to the ice cream parlor!"

"As you wish, masters," said Purple Pipe Monster as he and his cerulean partner started lumbering off in the direction of Darkland.

Not far away, three beings whom no one in the Mushroom Kingdom really noticed much were watching the Wario Bros. take control of the Pipe Monsters. A Tweeter, a Pidgit, and a human-sized bug.

"Gosh, Bill," said the bug to the Pidgit, "those two ugly guys have taken control of those behemoths."

"No duh, Fred," Bill the Extra Guy replied. "They must have gotten their hands on some sort of powerful thing that can turn piles of pipes into monstrosities like these!"

"Interesting," said the Tweeter. "A device such as that should be in the hands of someone with far greater intentions for it... namely me... DR. DONEZ!" Upon uttering his name, Dr. Donez had a close-up on himself. "I want you two to get me that device."

"Oh, goodie!" Fred the Spanyard clapped his hands. "This sounds like a job for..."

"Wait a second, Fred!" Bill yelled, interrupting Fred's pose. "Let _me_ do the 'da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa!'"

"Bill, this is no time for..."

"Oh, _please_ let me do the 'da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa!'"

"Oh, fine." Fred crossed his arms. "This sounds like a job for..."

"Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daa!" Bill sang.

"Not bad. ...SPANYARD-MAN!" Fred dashed into a nearby telephone booth. When he came out, he was wearing his Spanyard-Man costume. He flung his utility rope into the sky and jumped away, yelling "High Ho Rope Away!"

"Wait for me, you idiots!" Dr. Donez yelled as he and Bill tried to follow Fred.

0-0-0

While that was going on, Mario and Luigi were still in the local video store, browsing through the comedy section. Mario looked quite pissed. "I don't believe it! 1600 titles in this store, and they don't have 'Abbott & Costello Meet the Peanuts Gang'!"

"Mario, there was no 'Abbott & Costello Meet the Peanuts Gang'," Luigi tried to tell him. "You just dreamed that after eating too many of those Bunny-Ear Carrots!"

"But I remember it so vivid-"

"IT WAS A DREAM!" Luigi yelled, practically attracting the attention of everyone else in the store.

Just then, Toad ran in through the store's entrance and up to the Mario Bros., panting rapidly. His Wade Duck impression had worn him out.

"Hey Toadie, what are you doing here?" Luigi asked.

"Yeah," added Mario, "shouldn't you be guarding this episode's plot devi- I mean, the Plotdevice Wand?"

"I was, till _dey_ showed up!" Toad led the Marios outside and pointed at the oncoming Pile Drivers.

"A measly bunch of Pile Drivers? _That's_ what got you so worried, Toadie? Maybe you should see a p-sychiatrist," Mario said, pronouncing the last word with a loud "p". "We encounter these things every time we go to Desert Land!"

"Desert _Hill!_" corrected Luigi.

"Whatever," said Mario. "We can just jump on them, like we would with regular Goombas."

"Well, dese ain't your normal Pile Drivers!" said Toad. "Dey're abnormally large ones! Dey ain't so easy t'bring down!"

"_Large_ Pile Driver Micro-Goombas?" Mario didn't notice the oxymoron within his sentence. "Where the hell did they come from?"

"Honest, guys! I didn't do anything!" Toad lied. "The wand jumped right out of the case!"

"The wand somehow grew legs and jumped out of its case?" Mario was not convinced. "Look, Toadie, I know this show is produced by DiC Entertainment, but even _that's_ too ridiculous to believe!"

Just then, the Buddy Bears came from out of nowhere, dancing and singing their theme song.

"Oh, we are the Buddy Bears, we always get along,  
Each day we do a little dance and sing a little song,  
If you ever disagree, it means that you are wrong,  
Oh, we are the Buddy Bears, we always get along!"

The moment the Buddy Bears made their exit, Mario picked up Toad and said, "Well, whatever's the cause of those blocks' rampage, we'd better find a way to get rid of them! Run for it!"

The three of them dashed as far away from the video store as they could. In the overhead shot that followed, Toad somehow vanished from Mario's arm, but in the very next shot, he was back there like he never disappeared. At that point, the trio came to a cliff.

"'Run for it,' ya said," Toad mocked. "Well, how can we run _now?_ Dere's nothin' here but a cliff!"

"Don't give up the ship, Toadie! In video games, you never die from great falls!" reminded Mario. "So... down we go!" And with that, he jumped down the cliff, Toad in tow.

"_Pistachiooooo!_" Luigi blatantly ripped off a certain chipmunk's catchphrase as he jumped downward too.

The Pile Drivers, attempting to chase down their prey, stupidly jumped off the cliff too. But they had not figured on the Marios' ingenuity, for as they went downward, they passed a ledge. Mario, Luigi, and Toad, standing on that ledge, waved their hands as the Pile Drivers realized there was no ground under them and fell to their grisly deaths on the ground below, but not before they let out a comedic yell.

"How did you know dere was a ledge down here?" Toad asked Mario.

"Haven't you ever read the big fat list of animation clichés, Toadie?" said Mario. "Whenever good guys seem to jump off a cliff, there's always a ledge for them to hang on to! Now is there anything else you wanna tell us?"

"Yeah. About da Plotdevice Wand..." Toad began his confession.

"Forget it," Luigi interrupted. "Unless Toadette or Yoshi did it, we can already guess from your earlier 'story' that you used the Plotdevice Wand yourself."

"Right!" said Mario. "We'd better get back to your house and keep it safe till the Wizard King arrives!"

"How d'ya know he's comin'?" asked Toad.

"I looked up an earlier scene in the script. Now let's go already!"

0-0-0

Meanwhile, Bowser and his eight Koopalings were coming upon Toad's House, accompanied by his favorite Boomerang Bros. "Heh heh heh," Bowser chortled, "You see what a wee bit of ingenuity will do, lads? I'd like to see Mario scare us off while we've got these reinforcements!"

"Why would you call these reinforcements, papa?" Bowser Jr. nitpicked. "All you've picked out to help us are two Boomerang Bros. Besides, if Mario turns into Fiery Mario again, won't he be likely to fry the boomerangs? You should've brought some Chomp Bros."

"Why do you always nitpick me, Princie? Now shut up while I try to obtain our wand!" Bowser walked up to the front door and pounded on it repeatedly. "Open up and hand over the Plotdevice Wand, Princess! Or I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow the house in!" But he got no response, because inside, Peach and Toadette were still sound asleep, and Al was still gardening in the backyard. Bowser walked back to his minions, scratching his head. "I don't understand it! Why ain't they comin' out? I'm being demanding enough!"

"Maybe there's nobody home, Daddy Koopa," said Lemmy stupidly.

"For once, Hip may have a valid reason, King Dad," said Ludwig, getting Lemmy's name wrong.

Larry made a strange noise that translated as a floppy disk next to an unwrapped candy bar.

"Larry thinks maybe we should go in anyway," Lemmy interpreted, not messing up his brother's name. "There's a chance it isn't locked."

"Actually, I was saying I wanted some Mega M&Ms," Larry spoke in normal English again.

"You want some Mega M&Ms!" Bowser looked exasperated. "You should've told me that back at the rest stop, Cheatsy!"

"I would've," replied Larry, "but I wasn't hungry for them then!"

"Well, it's no matter now!" said Bowser. "Once I have the Plotdevice Wand and we're on our way back home, I'll get you a whole _tree_ of Mega M&Ms."

"Gee, thanks, King Dad," said Larry, "but about two bags will do."

"Wait a minute! Why are you letting Cheatsy have his way?" whined Wendy. "It's 'cause he's the youngest of us, isn't it?"

"No, Kootie Pie!" Bowser snorted. "It's 'cause _he_ didn't lose his birthday gift to some figments of his imagination! And technically, Princie's the youngest one here."

"But I tell you, those Teamo Supremo brats really _did_ impeach me!" yelled Wendy, stomping her feet. "And don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!"

"Look, I don't care about this Charlio Browneo you keep mentioning," said Bowser. "The fact rests that you're not getting any candy till after this network finishes its broadcasts of the Thanksgiving parades!"

"Pardon me for breaking my character, King Dad," pipped Roy, "but the way you're being unfair to Kootie Pie kind of sounds like sex discrimination."

"Don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!" Wendy objected to Roy.

"Well, what's it to you, Bully?" blabbered Morton. "This show makes weaklings and negative influences out of women on a regular basis! King Dad getting treats for Cheatsy and none for Kootie Pie is just the kind of thing I'd expect from a kid-raising antagonist on a poorly-written Saturday morning cartoon such as this!"

"So long as ve're discussing discrimination," added Ludwig, "is there a reason you always ditch us in favor of several clones of BJ every time there's a new Mario Party game, King Dad?"

"Oh, how the hell should I know that?" Bowser yelled back. "Maybe it's 'cause you kids are more likely to lose in them!"

"I _still_ want my Mega M&Ms!" pouted Larry.

They might have gone on like this all day, but while his siblings were arguing with their father, Iggy happened to notice the Giant Anthropomorphic Pipe Monsters coming back. "King Dad! Look!" he yelled out, interrupting the argument. "I see the wand!"

"You do? Lemmie see." Bowser took Iggy's glasses and looked through them like binoculars. He could see Wario and Waluigi sitting on top of the Pipe Monsters' heads, eating pizza and ice cream. He could also see the Plotdevice Wand in Wario's hand. "Aha! So those pesky plumbers' evil twins have gotten the wand. I'll fix them!" Giving his son's glasses back, Bowser took out his loudspeaker from the first episode of the first spoof and called out to the Warios. "Attention Mario wannabes! I've come for the Plotdevice Wand, so hand it over!"

"The Plotdevice Wand?" Wario looked at the wand in his hand. "Does he mean this?"

"Hmph! Now it sounds like a corny plot device if you ask me," said Waluigi.

"Forget it, Bowser!" Wario yelled at the Koopa King. "With this thing, I can bend anybody to my will, just like I did with these Pipe Monsters! I can even take over as this franchise's main villain! Whaddaya say to that?"

Bowser sighed. "OK, fine, you wanna play hardball? I got yer hardball right here! Boomerang Bros., get me that wand!"

The Boomerang Bros. had been playing Go Fish over the course of the Koopa family's argument, but when they heard Bowser shouting to them, they snapped to attention and threw their weapons. Upon seeing the boomerangs coming their way, Wario and Waluigi made their transportation duck under them. "Ha ha ha ha!" Wario laughed. "Your boys sure got some lousy aim, Bowser! Who taught 'em to shoot, Skeletor?" But then the boomerangs made their returning path and sideswiped Wario and Waluigi. The two weirdoes fell off of the Pipe Monsters, during which Wario lost his grip on the Plotdevice Wand. As the Warios landed in the dirt below, the wand landed at the feet of the Koopa King.

Bowser picked up the wand. "Oh-ho, at last I've won! The Mushroom Kingdom shall finally bend to my will when I finally prove the existence of..." Again he jumped into spasms. "..._**FAIRY GODPARENTS!**_"

Waluigi picked his head out of the dirt. "You okay, bro?"

"Yeah," Wario rubbed his posterior. "I landed on my butt!"

"Eh, thanks for taking care of that guy," Blue Pipe Monster said to Bowser.

"I concur," added Purple Pipe Monster. "We were getting tired of his bossing around."

"I didn't do it out of kindness!" Bowser zapped the Pipe Monsters with the wand. "You pipe snakes are under _my_ control now!"

Black Dreamcast symbols appeared in the Pipe Monsters' eyes. "We are under your control now," they repeated.

"Heh heh heh heh," Bowser clucked, producing a giant bird cage, "this wand really works! Now I _know_ I'll be victorious this time! All right, you pipe-men, lock up these two interlopers!"

Doing as Bowser ordered, the Pipe Monsters threw Wario and Waluigi into the cage and locked them in. "You can't do this to us!" rattled Waluigi.

"Dat's right!" yelled Wario. "I got a game factory to manage!"

"That's wonderful, Daddykins!" Wendy suddenly grabbed the wand from her dad. "But it's _ my_ turn now!"

"Hey, give that back, Kootie Pie!" Bowser shouted. "I don't want you kids messing my victory up, and besides, you're still grounded!"

"Don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!" Wendy yelled back.

"No no, papa's right, Wendy," said Bowser Jr., getting her name right. "You shouldn't be using the wand; _I_ should! I'm his favorite, after all."

"Vhaddaya mean _you're_ King Dad's favorite?" Ludwig got angry-mad. "I'm the vun who invents stuff for him; _I_ should be the vun to control the vand!"

"Well, I got more horsepower!" Roy barged in. "I'll use dat wand or I'll be fittin' youse wit' cement kilts!"

"_Au contraire_, Bully!" Morton blabbered again. "I'd do the best spells! _I_ should use it!"

"I don't care if you _can_ speak Spanish, Bigmouth," said Lemmy stupidly, "_I'm_ still gonna use the wand."

"What, to turn everything into ice?" interrupted Iggy. "My plan has more personality!"

"I _still_ want my Mega M&Ms!" Larry said again.

The Koopalings were arguing so much that by now Peach and Toadette finally woke up and walked over to the front door. "Mario? Luigi? What's going on out here?" asked Peach, rather ignorant of the fact that her constant kidnappers were standing right outside. She also didn't notice that when she said that, Toadette had mistakenly been drawn as her brother.

"Oh hi, Princess! I'm really, really sorry, but we're placing you under house arrest! Ha ha ha ha!" Wendy got out of the argument with her brothers long enough to zap the fence around Toad's House. The fence proceeded to enlarge itself in size, surrounding the entire house.

"Hmph," said Bowser Jr. disgustedly. "I would've done better than that, Kootie Pie."

"Stop squawking, you twit!" screamed Wendy. "And don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!"

By this time, the Mario Bros. and Toad _finally_ returned to witness the events unfolding. Boy, they sure took their sweet time. Just how long did it take to get from the video store to Toad's House? "Oh no, we're too late! Da Koopas have already gotten deir dirty claws on da Plotdevice Wand!" Toad shouted out, forgetting to pay any attention to the caged Wario and Waluigi, despite the fact that they were standing right next to them.

"Never mind that, Toadie!" said Mario, also ignorant of his evil-twin's predicament. "We gotta save the Princess!"

Wario and Waluigi watched as their Dr. Jeckyl counterparts ran up to the Koopas. "Hey, what about us?" Wario cried.

"Oh, look, here come the Mario Bros. and their little sidekick-thingy to save the day," said Wendy sarcastically. "Watch me knock them into next Tuesday!"

"You've had _your_ turn, Kootie Pie! And _I_ say it's time for a game of catch!" Roy grabbed the wand from his bratty sister and then zapped the Pipe Monsters again. The Pipe Monsters then grabbed the Mario Bros. and Toad and juggled them like bowling pins.

"Bully, you thief!" Wendy got on the ground and pounded her fists again. "_I_ wanted to do that! I wanted to, I wanted to, I WANTED TO!"

"Luigi, why does Kootie Pie act dat way?" Toad asked between tosses.

"Because, Toadie," Luigi answered, "she's a nitwit."

"Nitwit or not, we gotta get out of _this_ mess. And I think I know how. Prime rib!" The instant Mario finished saying that, a banana cream pie flew up and hit him in the face, knocking him out of the Pipe Monsters' tossing loops. "C'mon guys," he called up, "mention a kind of meat!"

Doing as they were told, Luigi said "Filet mignon," and Toad said "Pot roast." Just as they said those, banana cream pies flew in to knock them to the safe ground. "How did you know that would happen, Mario?" Luigi asked when he was on solid ground.

"I figured a running gag like National Don't-Mention-Meat-Or-Someone-Will-Hit-You-With-A-Banana-Cream-Pie Day was good enough to hold over," Mario smiled.

"Well, it's a good thing it did. It saved our bacon this ti-" Luigi's sentence was cut short by another banana cream pie hitting his face. "Remind me to sack whoever's doing that when this is over," he muttered.

"Oh, duck pajamas!" carped Roy. "Dey've escaped!"

"Bully for you, Bully! _I'll_ fix them!" Larry took the Plotdevice Wand from his big pink-shelled brother and used it himself on a nearby Nipper Plant, growing it to about twice Petey Piranha's size. "Yo, Nipper Plant! Go munch on those Marios and that mushroom!"

The Nipper Plant ran after the Mario Bros. and Toad as those weird unidentifiable voices came in to sing about hurricanes, or something like that. They hadn't gotten very far when they got to the place where the Pile Drivers had been resting in a rather neat pile. Somehow, the Pile Drivers hadn't actually died from the fall they had taken earlier. Toad spited them by sticking his tongue out. The Pile Driver jumped at them, but the goodies were quick enough to duck, and the Pile Drivers squished the giant Nipper Plant into a paper flat Nipper Plant. But meanwhile, Ludwig took the wand and used it to bring the fence around Toad's House to life and had it chase Toad, who jumped onto some nearby platforms. Then he zapped the Pipe Monsters again and made them go after the Mario Bros. Blue Pipe Monster managed to catch the both of them, much to the envy of his purple companion, so he grabbed Toad instead, seeing how the fence was doing much good. And in all this, Peach and Toadette, despite no longer being constricted to Toad's House, made no effort to stop the Koopalings.

"You see, sibs? _I_ caught zose lousy Marios!" Ludwig tossed the wand in his hand. "Clearly, _I'm_ ze one most suited to vield zis vand."

"Oh no, you're not!" said a voice from behind. The Koopalings turned to see Dr. Donez, Bill, and Fred standing right behind them. "I've traveled to an ice cream parlor and back; that wand belongs to me, the good-evil... DR. DONEZ!" said Dr. Donez, executing another close-up on himself.

"No fair!" cried out Iggy, Lemmy, Morton, and Bowser Jr. "We didn't even get to use the Plotdevice Wand!"

"Plotdevice Wand?" Fred, still in his Spanyard-Man costume, was taken back at the name.

"Sounds like a corny plot device if you ask me," said Bill.

"Regardless," continued Dr. Donez, "you _will_ hand over the so-called plot device, or else."

"Nothing doing, Tweeter-brains!" Ludwig stood defiantly.

"Oh, goody, I hoped you'd say that! DEATHLY DEATH RAY OF DEATHLY DEATHNESS!" Fred executed his signature move, but Ludwig was too quick for him. Ludwig swung the Plotdevice Wand right at the moment it seemed the Deathly Death Ray of Deathly Deathliness was about to connect, so it went flying back. Fred screamed as his own ray scorched him. "Uh, did you order regular or extra crispy?" he stammered before turning into a pile of ashes with eyeballs.

"Ugh. Get me that wand, Bill!" Dr. Donez ordered his Pidgit companion.

"Yes sir, DR. DONEZ!" Bill made a close-up on his fellow bird before swooping at Ludwig and pecking at his head.

While he was doing that, Dr. Donez grabbed the wand. "Ha-ha! Cower, you bad-evil fools, at the almighty... DR. DONEZ!"

"That's what you think!" Bowser suddenly swooped down in his Koopa Clown Car and snatched the wand from Dr. Donez. "I don't know who you three are, but when you cross King Bowser Koopa, you go spuh-lat!" And with that, he zapped Dr. Donez, Bill, and Fred (who had by now resurrected himself), turning them into sports trophies.

"That was a great trick, King Dad!" complimented Morton. "Can you make them into a wedding cake next?"

"Silence, Bigmouth! In fact, silence to all eight of you!" Bowser roared, pointing the wand at his kids. "I'm coming close to proving that..." He went into quick spasms again. "...**_FAIRY GODPARENTS!_** exist, and I'm not letting you kids spoil my victory like you always do! The Plotdevice Wand is staying in _my_ grasp, and nobody but nobody is gonna take it from me!"

"_Oh yeah?_" came a bunch of voices from offscreen.

Bowser turned around and gasped at the sight in front of him. A dozen top villains from other video game cartoons had shown up. "Eh, what's up, docs?" the Koopa King asked them.

"HAND OVER THE PLOTDEVICE WAND!" the other villains yelled out, in unison.

"What!" Bowser was astonished. "Why should _I_ hand over _ my_ trophy to you amateurs? Uh, no offense, my fellow Tomato Sauce Vampires," he then apologized to a quarter of them.

"None taken, Koopula," King K. Rool addressed his fellow vampire formally. "But the thing is, the so-called Plotdevice Wand is a powerful prize worthy of a first-class villain, and so, it should belong to me! With it, I'll finally be able to steal the Crystal Coconut!"

"That's all you want, K. Rool? A stupid coconut?" Ganon looked appalled. "That's nothing compared to what _I_ plan to do! I'll not only steal the Triforce of Wisdom, I'll be able to find and steal the Triforce of Courage as well, allowing me to rule Hyrule forever!"

"Nuts to that!" scoffed Giovanni. "With the Plotdevice Wand, I don't need to send those idiots Jessie and James after that Pikachu anymore. I can just use the Wand to feed my MechaMew2 the techniques it's missing, thus making it and myself invincible to all who oppose me!"

"Well, what about me!" yelled Mezmoran. "Those Pac-creeps keep using Power Pellets to defeat me and my Ghost Monsters! I could use the wand to find the Power Pellet Forest and confiscate those things!"

"Bah! You people have no idea what a true evil mastermind can do with the Plotdevice Wand!" said Cloaked Nightmare, glowing purple. "It may be just the thing I need to counter that cursed Star Rod! Say, Koopa, didn't you steal that thing once?"

"Dagnabbit! Am I the only one planning to use it for enemy death!" yelled the Shadow Master. "I want to kill those insipid Lee Brothers, and the Plotdevice Wand will help me do it!"

"Forget it, Shadow Bastard!" The Dark Queen struck a pose. "The Plotdevice Wand is mine!"

Bowser looked at the Dark Queen. "I don't even know _this_ chick!"

"Silence, fool! And bow! You stand in the presence of the Dark Queen!" the hot villainess introduced herself. "I was the antagonist of the 'Battletoads' cartoon! Or at least I would've been, had those DiC Entertainment cheapskates have given it more than a stupid pilot! Remind me to obliterate _them_ in addition to those wretched Bumbletoads once the Plotdevice Wand is in my grasp!"

"Why simply kill your foes when you can just make them your slave?" pointed out Dr. Robotnik, sitting in his Egg-o-matic. "That's what I'll do with the Plotdevice Wand - turn Sonic the Hedgehog into a workerbot! Not to mention steal all the Chaos Emeralds, and take over Mobius! Not to mention pollute it!"

"Nuts to you, Eggman! I plan to conquer my own homeworld!" said Dr. Wily from his flying saucer. "And with that stick, I can make my Robot Masters indestructible, and therefore unable to be beaten by the blue robotic pain Mega Man!"

"You always were a dreamer, weren't you, Wily? Simple world domination isn't enough for me!" shouted Mother Brain. "The Plotdevice Wand shall allow me, Mother Brain, beautiful goddess that I am, to become queen of Videoland!"

"Bah! I can do better!" declared M. Bison. "_I'll_ use that rod to _destroy_ the world! If the planet won't accept me as its ruler, IT DESERVES TO DIE!" He cackled like mad while his eyes glowed green.

"My intentions are similar to those of Bison," clarified the bazooka-wielding Evil the Cat, "only much bigger; I intend to _destroy the universe!_"

"So as you can see, Koopula," Giovanni addressed Bowser formally as well, "we all have our own plans for the wand. So hand it over!"

Bowser backed up a bit. "Forget it, y'all! This wand is just what I need to capture..." Once more, he spasmed. "...**_A FAIRY GODPARENT!_** And I'm not giving it up!"

"Fine then, we'll just do this the hard way!" Nightmare shot some of his hand-bullets in Bowser's direction, but King Koopa was quick enough to deflect them before they connected. The hand-bullets came flying back and side-swiped Nightmare in the head.

"Why attack by yourself when you can have your Pokémon attack for you?" Giovanni threw one of his PokéBalls, and out came his Golem.

"Golem," said Golem loudly.

"Golem, Rock Throw!" Team Rocket's Boss commanded.

Golem immediately proceeded to throw rocks at Bowser. But just like with Nightmare's bullets, Bowser zapped them with the wand and sent them flying back. The rocks hit Golem on its head and conked it out.

Giovanni was disgusted. "Golem, return!" he said, recalling Golem to its PokéBall.

"You want something done right, you have to do it yourself!" K. Rool threw his crown at Bowser like a boomerang. But the Koopa King grabbed the crown with his bare hands and threw it back at the Kremling King. The crown got lodged right in K. Rool's mouth.

The Dark Queen threw a fireball from her fist, but Bowser used the wand to catch it like a Harlem Globetrotter. Then he had the wand enlarge the fireball to about his size before throwing it back at the Dark Queen, scorching her completely. "Good thing it's only a cartoon," she said to herself.

"Prepare to become a workerbot, Koopa!" Robotnik took out his Robot Transmogrification Gun (the one he for no reason never tried shooting Sonic with) and shot at Bowser with it. But the reptile blocked it using the wand as a shield.

The beam reflected and hit the Shadow Master, roboticizing him. "Robotnik's word is law," he droned.

"You have a nice name, King Koopa... for me to carve on a tombstone!" M. Bison leaped at the Clown Car, performing the Psycho Crusher. But he barely dented it, for Bowser had used the wand to coat it with pure steel, and only hurt his hands. As Bison jumped about in midair holding his hands and yelping in pain, Bowser conked the wand on his head, sending him falling down.

"Face the wrath of my acid furball!" Forgetting about the bazooka in his hand, Evil spat out one of his acid furballs. But Bowser moved the Clown Car upward so that the acid furball hit the chopper blades (they were also turned into steel). Instead of disintegrating the blades, pieces of the acid furball went flying in all directions. Most of the other villains were hit, but no real harm was done to them. Bison had a hole burned in his cape, as did Mezmoran in his red cloak.

"Now look what you did!" Giovanni yelled, indicating the holes the acid furball pieces had made in his sleeves. "This was my best suit."

The biggest piece of acid furball, however, hit Evil dead on, disintegrating most of his skin. "A minor setback," Evil muttered.

And so Bowser continued in his merry way, defeating all his fellow video game cartoon villains in combat. He crushed Dr. Wily, trounced Ganon, creamed Mezmoran, thrashed Mother Brain, and recycled the roboticized Shadow Master. Soon, the other villains ran off cowering in fear.

"That's right; cower, you weaklings!" Bowser taunted. "No one can defeat me, as long as I have the Plotdevice Wand! Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Wrong, dude!" Raccoon Mario suddenly came flying in, carrying Toad with him. As they flew over Bowser's head, Toad snatched the Plotdevice Wand from him. At that same moment, Caped Luigi flew overhead, not doing anything himself.

"Hey!" Bowser cried. "How the hell did you escape?"

"Simple; those Pipe Monsters have a lousy grip," Mario explained as he and Luigi landed on the top of Toad's House. Down below, Peach and Toadette were _still_ just standing there like statues and not doing anything. "Okay, Toadie! It's time for your final magic trick!"

"Right!" Toad waved the wand one more time. "I order all da magic to stop!" And so it did. In time to the music, every magical thing around the house came to a stop. The living broom dropped its water buckets. The dinner party supplies and Toadette's stuffed animals went back to their lifeless form. Miss T.'s limousine turned back into a pumpkin. The fence returned to its normal size and stationary position. The Pile Driver Micro-Goombas returned back to being non-anthropomorphic blocks, although they still suffocated the Nipper Plant underneath. The retreating Shadow Master was deroboticized, and Dr. Donez, Bill, and Fred were changed back from sports trophies. Bowser's Clown Car lost its steel covering. The Giant Anthropomorphic Pipe Monsters became inactive.

"Oh crap!" said Bowser Jr., him and his siblings shaking. "Hey papa, I think now would be a good time to prove the old saying, 'He who koops and runs away lives to koop another day!'"

"Abso-stinkin'-lutely." Bowser shook inside the Clown Car.

"Great! I'm sure da pipe creatures will be glad to lend ya a hand!" Toad zapped the Pipe Monsters one more time, changing them into a giant hand. The hand flew over to the Koopalings (and the Boomerang Bros.) and flicked them with its index finger. The Koopalings collided with their dad's vessel, sending him flying upward as well.

"LOOKS LIKE THE KOOPA FAMILY IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN!" all the Koopas screamed at once as they flew towards Darkland, disappearing in the sky with a "ding".

Dr. Donez rubbed his head with his wing. "So much for _my_ world domination. We might as well go home."

"Yeah," said Bill, following his good-evil companion. "Let's get out of here before Mario takes all the credit for what just happened."

"Righto!" Fred threw his utility rope into the air and followed his companions.

Mario, Luigi, and Toad jumped down from the roof. "Good job, Toadie!" Mario congratulated. "You took care of your problem really well. I'm glad you're my sidekick!"

"Now wait a minute!" Luigi interrupted. "_I'm_ your sidekick!"

Mario stuffed a lupine in Luigi's mouth and then made a rather angry look at Peach. "But as for you, Princess, I can't believe how useless you and Toadette were back there! You two just stood there even after the fence came alive. You could've attacked the Koopas right there, or at least called for help! I'm almost ashamed to have you for a love interest."

Peach finally stopped standing in that one pose. "Is it that big a deal, Mario? You know how weak the writers think I am! Besides, I was just letting Toad save the day. His name's in this episode's title."

"Dat's right!" said Toad. "And I'm really sorry I caused all of dese events. From now on, I'm leaving magic to the real experts!"

"OK, Toadie," said Mario, "we all forgive you. And I forgive _you_ for not doing anything, Peach, since you kiss me every time I rescue you."

Luigi spat out the lupine. "Hey guys! The Wizard King's here!"

Just as Luigi said, the Wizard King of the West showed up, riding on his giant pet snail, Lightning. "Here I am! I hope I made it in time!" he said.

"Actually, you're a bit on the late side, Mr. Wizard King," said Mario as Al the messenger came out from behind the house. "We kinda had a little misadventure with the Koopas and a bunch of other menaces."

"What!" The Wizard King got off his snail and glared at Al. "Al, you nincompoop! This is all _your_ fault! You're the worst messenger I've got. I should've gone after the wand myself. You're fired!"

"But sir, you don't have any other messengers," reasoned Al. "Besides, the owner of this house has the wand right there."

"He does? Well then, you're rehired, Al! But all I really care about is getting my Plotdevice Wand!" The Wizard King took the wand, stuck it by its handle in the ground, and placed a hotdog over it. "It's just what I need to roast weenies! Yumbolicious!"

"Dat's it? You waited fifty years for dat wand to do _dat?_" Toad was flabbergasted. "Maybe I'm not da only one here who doesn't know what he's doin'! Say, what's wit' you, Mario?"

Mario looked a bit troubled. "I have this strange feeling there's something here we forgot to resolve. Oh well, it must not have been important."

Nearby, Wario and Waluigi still struggled in the birdcage. "Isn't _anybody_ gonna let us out?" Wario griped.

* * *

Boy, was that long. It's gotta be my longest fanfic chapter ever. I was almost afraid I'd never get it done. But now it's done, and I can resume working on other projects, like a comic adaptation of Katie Mae's _Phoenix Fire_, and "My Life as a Teenage Robot" spins on "Cinderella" and "Rumplestiltskin". Ciao for now!


	4. Oh Brother!

In case you're wondering, no, I'm not even halfway done with those projects I mentioned at the end of the last chapter. I may not even be done with them till I'm halfway done with _this_ fanfic! But hey, at least you got two new Nicktoon wedding-based fanfics while you were waiting for this chapter. I _had_ planned on saving this chapter till Super Bowl Sunday, but then I figured, why bother waiting? I'm not updating my fanfics often enough as it is, so I might as well bring you the latest chapter as soon as I can. And here it is now!

* * *

**"Oh, Brother!"**

The Mushroom Kingdom was usually a place where decent weather was abound, but in this particular episode, the weather was blustery. To be more precise, it was suffering from...

"Two straight weeks of rain!" complained Princess Peach. "Ugh! The Mushroom Kingdom will float away if this doesn't stop soon."

Peach and the Mario Bros. were cooped up inside Toad's House at the moment. Geez, has anyone else noticed how they spend more time at Toad's House than their own homes on this show? It's like he's running a freakin' boarding house.

"Well, of course it's been rainin' for two weeks, Princess!" Toad griped. "I t'ink it'd be more accurate to ask _why_ it would be rainin' for two weeks straight around here, especially considering it hardly ever seems to rain here! And anyway, shouldn't you guys be back in yer own households right now? Da way you guys hang around here, I oughta call dis my hotel ratta dan my house!"

During that conversation, Luigi was attempting to read War and Peace, but was so distracted that he found himself putting the book over his head. "Ughh! Mario, turn that racket you call music back down! I'm trying to read here!"

Mario, plunger in hand, was dancing to the background score of "DuckTales". "Well, tough luck, Luigi! I'd rather listen to the background music of superior cartoons! And 'DuckTales', for one, has music I find hot!"

Quite pissed at that remark, Luigi got up and took out the CD Mario was listening to. Mario stopped dancing and watched in horror as Luigi tossed it into the fireplace. "There! Now it's even hotter."

"You idiot!" yelled Mario. "It took me weeks to download all the tracks I put on that CD! And now you've ruinated it!"

"Well, it serves you right for leaving me out of Super Mario 64!" Luigi yelled back.

"I allowed you to come along for the Nintendo DS remake, didn't I?" Mario snapped.

"Yeah, but you could've allowed me to join you for Super Mario Sunshine as well!" With that, Luigi pushed down his brother's hat, pulled out his suspenders, and twisted his moustache.

"Ooooh, I _hate_ when you do that!" Mario pulled his hat back up and began to physically attack Luigi in a typical cartoon fight cloud, yelling out unintelligible gibberish.

"Will you guys chill out?" Peach asked. "You're only doing this 'cause we've been cooped up in here for two weeks!"

"Yeah!" said Toad. "It's bad enough I hafta put up wit' havin' youse livin' under my roof without havin' to listen to yer complaints!"

Ignoring his friends, Mario jumped out of the fight cloud, pulled out his Super Hammer, and thwacked Luigi on the head with it, putting a stop to the fight cloud.

After swatting the flying stars away from his head, Luigi screamed, "All right, that's it! I cannot take any more of this abuse! I'm walking!"

Peach put a stopping hand in Luigi's face. "Luigi! You don't want to quit working for Nintendo! Just because Sony's distributing our DVD sets is no reason to switch to them."

"No! I'm not quitting Nintendo, I'm quitting this cartoon show!" Luigi corrected. "I've got a career to think of, and I'm not going to spend it taking abuse from ghosts and Goombas! I don't care if people do think I'm a ham." Suddenly, a banana cream pie flew in and hit him in the face. "Ugh. Don't tell me they're still doing that insipid 'National Don't-Mention-Meat-Or-Someone-Will-Hit-You-With-A-Banana-Cream-Pie Day' running gag! If that's the case, I'm _definitely_ leaving this show!" He stormed out the door and into the rain. "In fact, I'm leaving this network altogether, and going to CBS! Farewell, ex-brother!"

"Fine!" Mario shouted outward. "Good riddance, ya looney!"

"Hey Mario, didn't you used to be on CBS?" Toad asked.

"Yeah, I was on the 'Saturday Supercade'," Mario answered. "Every Saturday morning from 1983 to 1985, me and my niece Pauline tried to recapture Donkey Kong for the circus. Of course, we never got to catch him because that would get our segment cancelled earlier than it did. Besides, _you_ try lugging an 800-pound gorilla back however many miles we had to travel!"

"Wait, I thought Pauline was your old girlfriend," nitpicked Toad. "I mean, if she's yer niece, does dat mean she's Luigi's daughter?"

Mario looked awestruck for a second, then spoke back up. "You're right! That never made any sense to me! Remind me to have a talk with Ruby-Spears about this. Uh, anyway, I'm glad Luigi's gone! He was worthless anyway," he said, settling into the chair Luigi had been sitting in.

"That's some really terrible rain out there," Peach stated the obvious. "Luigi should've put on a Frog Suit before going outside."

"He's only going out in the rain, Princess!" Mario yelled from the chair. "Going out in the rain and going swimming are two different things, you know. He'll live."

Peach grabbed Mario's Super Hammer and thwacked him down with it, squishing him into the chair. "You lazy coot, Mario! You go out there and convince Luigi to come back before he ends up running up a big hospital bill!"

Mario pulled himself out of the chair and stood up on his feet. "Awww, do I have to, Peach? He's just gonna sit out my next adventure game anyway."

"Yeah!" Toad agreed. "Wit' Luigi not here, I got one less person to hafta pay rent for!"

Peach smacked Mario down with the Super Hammer again, and then did the same thing to Toad. "No excuses, Mario! Besides, 'The Adventures of Mario' doesn't sound as catchy as 'The Adventures of Super Mario Bros.' And Toad, the writers don't give a hoot about your household problems."

"Fine, fine, I'll go after him, even if that blockhead _is_ more trouble than Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine! But one of these days, Princess, one of these days... Pow! Right in the kisser." Mario made a punching motion before marching into the rainy exterior. "Geez! This is more degrading than the time I was an artwork model."

_"C'mon, can't you hurry this up?" Mario stood in the snow with a carrot taped to his nose, making a Harry Potter pose. "I'm getting so cold my request for an Ice Flower power-up has become pointless!"_

_"You can't rush art, you big crybaby," said Calvin as he and Hobbes rolled up the first ball of their snowman. "Now stand still so I can study you."_

While Mario was flashbacking his embarrassing moments, he didn't notice a bunch of showerheads up in the clouds, attached to a gigantic pipe. And although he didn't know it yet, these showerheads were the cause of the rain.

0-0-0

"My newest invention is a success, King Dad!" Down in the basement of Koopa Castle, Ludwig Von Koopa and his big ruler-type dad, Bowser, watched as Coins poured from out of a pipe in the ceiling and into the strainer in front of them. "All zat rain on the Mushroom Kingdom surface flushes all of the Pipe Maze's floating Coins down to zis underground dungeon! That Power Shower certainly takes a load off my schedule!"

"That's nice and all, Kooky," said Bowser, "but I think you already told me this when ya set the thing up!"

"I vasn't explaining it to you; I vas explaining it to _them_." Ludwig pointed in the direction of the camera facing them. "And please, don't call me Kooky! That's a girl's name."

But before Bowser could respond to that, one of the pipes connected to the Power Shower broke apart, and the room started to flood. "Aw crap!" yelled Bowser. "Looks like your genius ain't all it's cracked to be, Kooky. Your Power Shower's sprung a leak! What were the odds of _this_ happening, I ask?"

"On zis show, pretty good," said Ludwig. "And don't call me Kooky!"

"I didn't even _mention_ the possibility of this thing breaking down!" Bowser threw out his hands. "But no matter. You're the mad scientist in this family, Kooky. FIX IT!"

"King Dad, just 'cause I'm a genius doesn't mean I'm good at everything! Ipso facto, I'm no plumber! And don't call me Kooky!"

"OK then, we'll just have to hire the services of someone who _is_ a plumber. And I know just the guy, or guys. Get me the number for Stern Lecture Plumbing!"

"I thought maybe we vere just gonna kidnap one of the Mario Bros. and have _them_ do this job."

"Oh." Bowser's mouth hung for a bit. "All right, we'll kidnap a Mario Brother."

0-0-0

Up above, on ground level, Luigi stood at the bus station with his suitcase. "I wonder if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will allow me to guest-star on their show," he said to himself. "Or maybe I should try 'Garfield and Friends', or even 'Muppet Babies'."

Just then, Mario came up the hill, pointing an accusing finger at his brother. "There you are, you miserable rat! The Princess won't let me rest till I drag your sorry ass back home, you traitorous vermin!"

"A traitorous vermin, am I? Well, just because I'm green doesn't mean it's my fault the XBox 360 is already out in stores!" Luigi pulled on his older sibling's hat, suspenders, and moustache again.

"Cretin! Didn't I already say I hate when you do that?"

"Yo mama!"

The Mario Bros. were so busy arguing, they didn't notice they were being watched by a periscope sticking out a nearby pipe in the ground. On the other end of the pipe, Ludwig watched them argue. "You see, King Dad? I told you my Koopascope was a winning idea! I'm able to spy on ze Mario Bros. and zey're none ze wiser! Speaking of zem, how're we going to decide which one to nab? Are we gonna flip a Coin?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Kooky! We'll choose the scientific way..." Bowser pulled out his "method". "...A rousing game of Dungeons & Dragons!"

"**Thirty minutes later,**" said the French Narrator.

"Ha! My dragon roasts all your elves, Kooky!" Bowser proclaimed. "I win, so that means we're koopin' Mario!"

"Fiddlesticks!" Ludwig threw down his cards. "Personally, I don't see the point of this. Does it really matter vhich vun of zem ve get?"

Bowser stood up, ignoring his son's remarks. "Now how are we going to get Mario down here? It's not like I can just walk up to him and ask him to fix my bathtub."

"Leave zat to me, King Dad! _Zis_ is a job for..." Ludwig zipped off, then returned with a fishing rod with a gloved mechanical hand where the bait would be. "...my newest-_newest_ invention, the Plumber Pole! Soon to be available in stores everywhere as the Boyfriend Retriever."

"A fishing pole?" Bowser wasn't impressed. "Someone has already invented that, Kooky! Besides, the Marios are above ground. How do you expect to bring one of them down here using a fishing pole?"

"Don't question me, King Dad; just watch and stop calling me Kooky!" Ludwig cast the pole into the pipe he had been looking through with the Koopascope.

Up above, the Mario Bros. were still arguing their heads off. "Well, it's _your_ fault I lost Favorite Video Game at the 2003 Kids' Choice Awards!" Mario pouted.

"No it isn't!" Luigi yelled back. "The kids who voted just happened to like SpongeBob more than you! And another thing, it's not my fault that Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb keep calling you an Italian stereotype and badmouthing the GameCube!"

At that point, the Plumber Pole's hook came out of the pipe behind the fighting duo and attached itself to Mario. "Hey, where'd this hook and line come from?" the so-called Italian stereotype asked. "It's not fishing season!"

"You're right!" said Luigi. "It's duck season!"

"What! No it isn't!" Mario placed the hook on Luigi. "It's wabbit season!"

"Duck season!" Luigi placed the hook back on Mario.

"Wabbit season!" Mario put the hook back on Luigi.

"Duck season!"

"Wabbit season!"

"Duck season!"

"Wabbit season!"

"Wabbit season!" Luigi switched the argument around and placed the hook back on himself.

"Duck season! FIRE!" Mario stupidly placed the hook on his own self, and immediately, Ludwig pulled back on the pole, dragging Mario down to the pipe it was coming from. "Wait a minute," he realized as he went down the drain, "if I didn't know better, I'd say I've just had a Bugs Bunny pulled on me! That's ironic, considering DiC has me confused with him."

Mario soon found himself, still attached to the Plumber Pole, inside the Castle Koopa basement, with Ludwig and Bowser standing around him. A pair of Hammer Bros. were there as well, but they had nothing to do, so Bowser immediately sent them away. "Mario, ol' buddy, ol' pal, ol' enemy," he said, "for once I'm glad to have you here!"

"What the foshizzle?" said Mario. "Bowser! How did I get here?"

"I brought you here using my Plumber Pole," Ludwig explained, "or as I'm marketing it, the Boyfriend Retriever! Do you like it? Be honest."

"Well, I suppose you'll make a big profit off of it with some girls I know," said Mario, "but what I _really_ wanna know is, why'd you drag me down here? I had a hankering to give my useless brother a good spankering!"

"I finally found a way to repay you for helping me get my castle back from the Smithy Gang," Bowser elucidated. "Kooky's Power Shower here has sprung a leak, and since we don't have any plumbing experts in this castle, we thought maybe you could help us!"

"The Power Shower?" said Mario. "I'm pretty sure marketing is already using that name for a showerhead with my image on it."

"Zey are?" Ludwig scratched his head. "Zat would explain why I couldn't get a patent for it..."

"Wait a minute!" Mario said again. "Is this Power Shower you speak of what's causing all that rain and flooding up above?"

"Uh, yeah," answered Bowser. "We're using the runoff to steal the Pipe Maze's Coin Treasury!"

"Fix your own leak, you crackpots! Or at least find some other plumbers. I stopped taking orders from other people after that time I worked for the Disney Channel," defied Mario, signaling another flashback.

_"So let me get this straight, Mr. Eisner," Mario said to the CEO. "You honestly want to take 'Dumbo's Circus' and 'Welcome to Pooh Corner' off of the schedule and make it seem like they never existed?"_

_"Yup, that's my plan!" replied Michael Eisner._

_"Are you crazy?" Mario protested. "Kids deserve to be able to view those shows! They might not be getting this kind of entertainment ten years from now!"_

_"Oh, who cares about entertainment? By that time, I'll be milking every last dollar out of Marvel Comics and Saban's properties, no matter how many people still find THEM cool! To heck with the company's own characters; I can just buy the Muppets and make money off of them! In fact, I think I'll buy YOU out..." Eisner reached his hand toward Mario's heart. "Kalima... Kalima!"_

_"Stop that!" Mario slapped the moneygrubber's hand away. "And y'know what? If you wanna take away what viewers are ordering your cable networks for, then I quit!"_

"OK, I'll admit, Mario," said Bowser, "we haven't exactly been the best of friends, maybe not even the best of enemies, but I'll tell you what. If you fix the Power Shower for us, I'll give you any favor you want."

"What could _I_ want from you?" Mario turned his head away.

"The Klopman Diamond!" Bowser offered. "I know where it's kept."

"I'm not one for ill-gotten gains!"

"OK, OK... uh, I'll get Disney to do a better job with the DVD sets of their TV shows."

"Nuh-uh."

"Storm Cartoon Network till they put the Looney Tunes back on?"

"No way," Mario shook his head.

"**Twelve dozen bargains later,**" said the French Narrator.

"I'll convince Mr. Heyward to produce better Christmas specials!" Bowser was practically on his knees.

"Sorry, Bowser," Mario stood firm, despite his position. "There's nothing you can do that can get me to fix your stupid shower thingy. Not even if it satisfies over 500 other people."

Bowser turned back to Ludwig and sighed. "Eh, he's not crackin', Kooky. Guess there's no point in callin' him a pipesqueak at the moment."

"Ah, but I figured zis would happen, King Dad! _Zis_ is the perfect opportunity for me to try out..." Ludwig zoomed off again, and then returned carrying a bicycling helmet decorated with Christmas lights. "...my newest-newest-_newest_ invention, the Lame Brainer! I originally intended to call it the Sesslar, but someone else was already using that name." And with that, he placed the so-called Lame Brainer on Mario's head.

"Nice try, Koopas, but it's gonna take a lot more than a silly party hat to make me..." But before Mario could finish his sentence, the lights on the helmet flashed rapidly, and then he was suddenly speaking with a high-pitched female voice. "OH MY GOD!1!11 I TODALY LUUUUUV RANEBOW MUNKEES!1"

"What the hell?" Bowser had a surprised reaction.

"I ALSO LUV TOO SBIN AHROUND INN FEELDS OV FLOWURS AND NUMBUH FORE IZ MY BOYFREND!1!111" Mario pranced around the Koopas, spinning in circles and throwing his arms out in glee.

"Whoops, wrong frequency." Ludwig fiddled with the receiver on the top of the Lame Brainer.

Immediately, Mario's mood changed, as well as his vocal tone. "Ooooooh, I hate those Smurfs!" he said as he shook his fists. "I'll get _all_ of them if it's the last thing I ever dooo! NEE HEE HEE HEE HEE YAH HAH HAHH!"

"That's better, but still not what I'm looking for." Ludwig fiddled with the receiver again.

Mario's expression and voice got stiff. "Stay tuned for Eyewitness News, next on WWL-TV Channel 4!"

"No..." Ludwig fiddled with the receiver once more.

"Cooooooooooooookie Crisp!" Mario howled.

"Ugh!" Ludwig continued to fiddle with the receiver. "Isn't _any_ of these settings the right one?"

After a while, Mario stopped making silly faces and said, "Masters, your wishes are my command."

"All right!" Bowser was about to jump for joy, but then stopped in realization. "Wait, don't you mean, 'your wish is my command'?"

"No, I mean, 'Your wishes are my command.' For I am a Genie," explained Mario, "and since you released me from the lamp wherein I was trapped, I will grant you three wishes."

"Mario thinks he's a Genie?" Ludwig scratched his head. "I guess the Lame Brainer still needs some fine-tuning."

"Hang on, hang on! As long as he thinks he's a Genie, he can at least follow whatever we wish for him to do." Bowser turned to Mario and said, "Mario-Genie, I wish for you to fix the leak in our Power Shower!"

Mario snapped his fingers. "It shall be done, master."

"And make it snappy!" the Koopa King ordered. "I hate it when my tootsie-wootsies get wet!"

"Then vhy did you ask Wart's minions to lick your feet once?" Ludwig pointed out.

"Hey, you weren't around then; you wouldn't know!" Bowser muttered.

0-0-0

Up above, Luigi stood over the pipe through which he had seen Mario disappear through. "Boy, that bilge-brained brother of mine must be in deep trouble down there. I mean, it probably smells terrible down there. Well, I guess I gotta save him. The question is, do I want to?"

"You're not just gonna let him die down there, are you?" he heard a high-pitched version of his voice say.

Luigi glanced at his left shoulder and saw a small angelic version of himself standing there. "My shoulder angel?"

"Don't listen to that guy." A small demonic Luigi appeared on the other shoulder. "Ain't you ever looked at the big picture, Weege? With him out of the way, you're the star of this cartoon now, not to mention the games it's based on! Doesn't that just rock? No more Player 2 status for you!"

"Oh, come off it!" Angel-Luigi argued. "This guy's already had two games of his own."

"Yeah, but I'm quite certain his first solo game _SUCKED!_" pointed out Devil-Luigi.

"Maybe so, but tell me why I never see Mario is Missing! on any of those 'worst video games of all time' lists!" Angel-Luigi crossed his arms.

"Oh, how should I know?" Devil-Luigi huffed. "I don't read the magazines that print those things!"

"Um... this 'becoming the star of the games' bit... that's not counting the handheld RPGs, is it?" Luigi asked. "'Cause I get half of the title character profits on those."

"He's got ya there," Angel-Luigi said to his rival.

"Look, will you guys let me decide this dilemma for myself without having you two breathing down my neck?" Luigi bit.

"That'll work." Angel-Luigi disappeared.

"Whatever you say." Devil-Luigi vanished.

Luigi pondered the dilemma in front of him some more, until finally, he went ahead and jumped down the pipe. Somehow, it was a lot more flooded in there than when Mario was getting pulled down. The skinny guy hadn't gotten far when he ran into a Blooper Nanny.

"Halt!" said the Blooper Nanny. "We'll not let you pass!"

"Oh, come on!" argued Luigi. "Why shouldn't I be allowed to pass? I'm swimming right through here lookin' for my stupid brother."

"Sorry, sir, but this highway is for aquatic lifeforms only," the Blooper Nanny said firmly.

"_What_ highway?" yelled Luigi. "This is a transport tube! I need to come through here."

"You'll just have to take the upper route, sir," the Blooper Nanny pointed upward.

"But wherever it is I'm going might not be in that direction!" argued Luigi. "Let me through!"

"Ixnay, ixnay!" all the Bloopers said in unison.

Luigi sighed angrily and swam back up the pipe. "Hmph! 'This highway's for aquatic lifeforms only', she says. Well if it's an aquatic lifeform she wants, I'll give her one!"

The green-clad Brooklynite ran back to Toad's House, broke into the closet, pulled a Frog Suit out of one of the chests in there, put it out, came out of the closet, and hopped out into the rain again. Peach and Toad didn't see him, because they were too busy playing Tetris to notice.

By the time he got back to the pipe, Luigi realized that he would've gotten there faster had he have waited till he got there to put on the Frog Suit. Nevertheless, he dove down into the flooded Pipe Maze and came upon the Blooper Nanny again, during which those weird unseen singers could be heard singing about brotherly love or something.

"Halt! We'll not let you pass!" the Blooper Nanny said again.

"Sure you will," Luigi said assuredly. "I'm a frog; water is a frog's element; therefore, I'm an aquatic lifeform."

"Oh! All right, off you go." The Blooper Nanny cleared the path.

Luigi continued swimming in his direction. "Heh heh, those fish-brained foes sure are stupid! Now to rescue Mario!"

0-0-0

Back in the basement-type dungeon-thingy, the brainwashed Mario finished turning the wrench around. "ALL DONE, MASTERS!" he yelled.

"It's about time!" Bowser put down his copy of _Snapping Turtles Monthly_ and got out of his easy chair. "Now we can continue with our plundering of the Pipe Maze's Coins! Your Lame Brainer helmet thingy is a success, Kooky! What do you think we should do with it next?"

"Hmmm..." Ludwig put his hand to his chin. "I never really thought about it, King Dad. And don't call me Kooky!"

"I was thinking that, so long as Mario's wearing that helmet," Bowser schemed, "we probably won't ever lose again! But how are we going to make sure he stays our slave? I mean, he's in a Genie mode. Why didn't you give this thing a remote control? Then we could set it to slave mode without any problems!"

"Hey, I vasn't expecting the receiver to malfunction, King Dad!" Ludwig bickered.

Just then, a soaked Luigi dropped in from the pipe that Mario had come through. "Um, whoa, ya'll," he said unenthusiastically.

"Holy crap!" yelled Bowser. "It's... uh, whatever his name is; that green Mario look-alike!"

"All right, you bastards!" Luigi pointed an accusing finger. "What did you do to my brother?"

"We've turned him into our slave, thanks to my new invention!" Ludwig indicated the helmet. "Presenting the Lame Brainer! Formerly known as the Sesslar, and certainly more recent than my Power Shower and my Plumber Pole, coming to a store near you as the Boyfriend Retriever."

"And here's the proof! Mario-Genie, I wish for you to kill that frog-face over there!" Bowser ordered.

"Sorry, master, but I cannot do that." Mario had his arms crossed. "We Genies aren't allowed to kill anyone."

"Then I wish for you to cause him great bodily harm!" the Koopa King commanded.

"Okey-dokey." Mario approached Luigi, wrench in hand.

"We'll finish him off ourselves," Bowser whispered to Ludwig.

"You could've let _me_ handle him, King Dad," the little scientist complained. "Zis would be a perfect opportunity to test out my newest-newest-newest-_newest_ invention..."

Bowser shut the mouth of his kid. "Kooky, shut up."

Mario raised his wrench in an attacking pose. "'Asta la vista, baby," he said for no reason other than to make a cultural reference.

"Mario, no!" Luigi cried. "Don't you know who I am? It's a-me, Luigi!"

"Cause you great bodily harm!" Mario droned, preparing to strike.

Luigi jumped out of the way of his brainwashed brother's wrench. "Mama-mia! I gotta get Mario to remember I'm his brother!" He continued jumping out of Mario's warpath. "Mario! Think of all the fun we had as kids! Remember that teddy bear we shared as babies? How about all the drains we unclogged? Remember when you fell unconscious in Cavemanland and I had to bake a pizza to wake you up? Can't you at least do the Mario like in the end credits of last season's shows? Do your William Shatner narration for me!"

But Mario paid no heed to him. "Hurt, maim, destroy! I seeee yoooouuu!"

Luigi jumped away some more. "Ho boy, I'm gonna have to try another approach! And I think I know how!" Turning off the lightbulb that appeared above his head, Luigi got in front of his assailant and yelled at the top of his lungs, "JUMANJI!"

Upon hearing Luigi shout that, Mario came to a stop, and the Lame Brainer flew off his head, landing right on Ludwig's. The composing Koopaling slapped his forehead. "Oh, shoot! What were ze odds of _this_ happening?"

Mario shook his head as he snapped out of his trance. Luigi embraced him like a man back from the world's longest business trip. "Mario, brother! You're back to normal!"

"Well, of course I am, brother! You said the magic word!" said the now-saved Mario. "And I'm glad to see you took Peach's advice about wearing a Frog Suit. Actually, no I'm not. You know how slow those things are outside of water. But nevertheless, I'm glad you got here." By this time, the Lame Brainer had fully hypnotized Ludwig. Mario walked up to him and yelled, "All right, Kooky! Give ol' King Koopa over there a whooping he'll never forget!"

"As you command, oh great video gaming icon," Ludwig droned.

_Oh great, _now _that helmet gets set to slave mode._ Bowser started to back away from his entranced son. "Kooky, what the hell are you doing? I'm your dear old king dad!"

"Sheesh, you call yourself a supervillain, Bowser?" Mario snapped his finger. "Oh, wait. I almost forgot this was a 1980s action cartoon."

"Whoa!" Bowser jumped in the other direction.

Ludwig ran after him, his claws prepared to attack. "Give you a whooping you'll never forget!"

"Crap crap crap crap!" Bowser screamed as Ludwig chased him out of the basement. "I didn't even get my third wish!"

"Nice goin' there, brother!" said Luigi.

"Well, it's like I always say, brother," Mario replied, "every chin needs a cleft!"

"You never say that, Mario," Luigi pointed out.

"What do you mean? I said it just now!" said Mario. "Look, let's just destroy Bowser's freakin' rain machine and get back to Toadie's place of residence."

"How?" Luigi looked at his watch again. "We're running out of time for this episode!"

"Like this!" Mario snapped his fingers and signaled a scene-switch.

0-0-0

Soon afterwards, the Mario Bros. were back at Toad's House, and the Power Shower's rain had stopped. Peach and Toad had by now put up their game of Tetris long enough to listen to what had gone on, not to mention the obligatory congratulations. "Well, guys," said Peach once they were done explaining, "thanks to you, all those Coins are back in the Pipe Maze where they belong, and we won't have to worry anymore about that shower thingy you mentioned! And it looks like you two have stopped fighting as well. I'm glad."

"Why?" Luigi asked. "Is it 'cause I'm not leaving for CBS now?"

"Aw, it was nothin'," Mario flaunted. "But just to be fair, all credit for saving the day goes to Luigi."

"That's right!" Luigi suddenly looked startled. "Hey! No way, buster! You're the hero here!"

"No, _you're_ the hero," Mario argued politely.

"No, _you're_ the... wait a second." Luigi stopped. "Pronoun trouble. _I'm_ the hero!"

"I'm the hero, all right," Mario bragged modestly.

"_I'm_ the hero!" Luigi shouted.

As the Mario Bros. argued again, Toad went to his room, then came out carrying a notepad and wearing a "Press" tab in his hat. "Where are you going, Toad?" Peach asked.

"To look for a secondary job in Metropolis!" Toad answered as he walked outside. "Wit da Marios back, I gotta start worryin' about high rent again! Maybe da Daily Planet'll have a good position for me..."

Peach could only shrug. "Landlords," she sighed. "You can't live with 'em; you can't live without 'em!"

* * *

And so, with this chapter under the belt, this fanfic is one-thirds finished. There's eight episodes left on those two PAL DVDs, and I'm still itching to make fun of them! But until then, I've got more work to do, like those fanfics I mentioned in the last afterword. Till the next episode, everybody.


	5. Princess Toadstool For President

In case the recently-released DVD set for "The Super Mario Bros. Super Show" has made you forget (no offense intended), Mario is famous because of his video games, not because of his cartoons. Why else would people watch and buy DVD sets of poorly-done cartoons starring him? It's for reasons like this that I publish this, the latest installment of _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2_, on the day that New Super Mario Bros. is released. I'd also like to thank whoever uploaded the cartoon episodes to YouTube; without it, I'd have had trouble writing up this episode's parody. And to answer spoonlord15's question regarding my last chapter, yes, I was making fun 133t speech in the last episode. I have nothing against "Codename: Kids Next Door" (in fact, I think Nigel & Abby make a cute couple, but that's another story), except for the way they portray teenagers.

* * *

**"Princess Toadstool for President"**

Well, thankfully, this episode opened up on a much more pleasant day than the rainstorm that opened up the last one. But apparently, there's no rest in the Mushroom Kingdom, for at the moment, Toad came running out of his house, again flailing his arms like crazy and screaming like a lunatic.

Not far away, Princess Peach and the Mario Bros. were fishing. Well, actually, it was just Mario who was fishing. Luigi and Peach were watching him bring home the bacon. Like always, he was singing, "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Fishing! Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Fishing!"

Luigi put his arms together in a huff. "Yeesh. I really wish he didn't have to sing that every time we went fishing."

"Oh, you should not be so harsh, Luigi," Peach said philosophically. "After all, it allows him to up the quantity of the fish he is obtaining."

Luigi looked a bit weirded out at how Peach was speaking. "Uh, right."

It was at that point that Toad suddenly busted in on the activity, colliding right into the pile of the Cheep-Cheeps Mario had caught, knocking them back into the river. "Oh, nice goin', Toadie!" an aggravated Mario shouted. "That was gonna be our dinner tonight!"

"Is dat all you care about, Mario? I came here for a reason!" Toad yelled. "I got some bad news."

"BAD NEWS?" Mario dropped his fishing pole into the water. "Oh no! Autumn is coming! We're about to be invaded by New Yorkers coming to see the leaves change color! Mama mia!"

"No, no, no!" Toad shouted. "I just saw King Koopa, and he's brought a bunch of Paragoombas to devour da Kingdom!"

Peach put her hands to her face like Macaulay Culkin when she heard the news, but Mario stopped his panic and stood up defiantly. "Paragoombas, eh?" said he. "When will Bowser learn? Those guys are flimsier than McDonald's fries!"

Some distance away from the fishing hole, Bowser was pulling a wagon-cage containing six abnormally large Paragoombas. He was laughing like he'd just seen the Juggernaut video file and was flanked by his youngest kids, Larry and Bowser Jr. Right when he finished cackling, Larry made a noise with his mouth that translated as a speech balloon showing a picture of a flower with a tatoo standing up against a Buick.

"Just check out _this_ sneaky, slimy scheme, Cheatsy!" Bowser said. "Thanks to my feeding them Red Bull, these Grand Goombas from Giant Land have evolved into Grand PARAGoombas! Now I can have them gobble down the Mushroom Kingdom's crops, and when all those generic Toads in there are starving to death, I won't give 'em_any_ food unless that bizzatch Princess Peach surrenders it to me! Ooooh, I'm evil!"

"Actually," Larry clarified, "I was asking if we could go to Best Buy later."

"Best Buy?" Bowser was confused by that clarification. "What do you wanna do at Best Buy?"

"Smash every XBox 360 they've got!" answered Larry. "What else? Besides, I need to get a WiFi connector for my DS."

"Uh, OK," Bowser replied. "I guess we'll stop off there later."

"Excuse me, papa," Bowser Jr. interrupted, "but I've been studying these Goomba creatures, and from what I've found out, even with the effects of Red Bull and a larger size, they _still_ don't pose much of a threat to Mario and his green sidekick."

Bowser lowered his eyelids. "Princie... who let you into the studio?" Ignoring the ward's nitpicks, he turned to Larry and declared, "Let the feast begin! You may do the honors."

Larry unlocked the cage door, and in no less than twelve seconds, the six big Paragoombas had chowed down quite a bit of the scenery. But right when that happened, the Mario Bros. came running up. "Not so fast, Bowser!" Mario called. "Feeding time's over! You put those Red Bull-drinkin' Goombas back in that cage, pronto!"

Bowser chuckled and clucked. "You honestly think I'd do that? No way! I'm savin' this cage for _you!_" And he pushed it down in the Marios' direction.

"Leapin' lasagna!" Luigi yelled right before he and Mario jumped. Despite the odd placement of the animation, the Marios managed to avoid getting caught in the cage, and it provided them enough of a boost to stomp on two of the Red-Bull-effected Grand Goombas. The now wingless pair of Goombas attempted to attack, but the Bros. turned them into brown jelly stains on the grass. Two of the other Paragoombas attempted to avenge their fallen comrades, but they were met with the same fate. The remaining two Paragoombas, having gotten wise to what was going on, flew back into the cage.

"Oooooh!" Bowser jumped in mid-air, throwing his fists out angrily. "THAT'S THE LAST STRAW! Now I use my secret weapon!" And he gave a little whistle.

Right over the horizon stomped in Goomba King. "RAAARRGH!" He roared. "I am Goomba King, Goomboss, or whatever Nintendo is calling me now!"

"Hey Mario, didn't this guy hold you captive in Super Mario 64 DS?" Luigi asked.

"Prepare to be _stomped!_" Goomba King hollered.

"**Two minutes later,**" said the French Narrator.

Goomba King was now crammed inside the cage with the two living Paragoombas. "Well, so much for _this_ cameo," he grumbled.

The steaming Bowser was at this point pulling on his horns in anger. "Why do you have to be this way to me, Mario? I mean, sure, I convinced Butch Hartman into shaking up the 'Fairly OddParents' fanbase by giving them the idea that Timmy could've just as easily married Trixie in the 'Channel Chasers' epilogue when it was in fact completely obvious that he married Tootie... but can't you ever let me have even a small victory?"

"It's too bad about that, eh, King Dad?" Larry pipped. "Surely you would've been able to take over this time if they hadn't interfered."

Bowser whammed his fist on Larry's head. "Shut up, Cheatsy!"

Bowser Jr. did the same thing. "Yeah, shut up, Cheatsy!"

"Owww..." Larry rubbed his head and made a sound that took the appearance of a black cloud.

At this point, Peach and Toad walked in on the scene. "If you are so keen on becoming the ruler of this kingdom, Koopa, why not try doing it the _right_ way?"

"Nuh-uh!" Bowser crossed his arms. "My attempts at marrying you not only never work, they're also getting kinda repetitive. I'm beginning to think they're just not worth it."

"Speak for yourself..." muttered Bowser Jr.

"_That_ is not the manner to which I am referring!" Some of the background scenery somehow got in front of Peach as she said this. "There is an election coming up. That way, the voters can be the ones to decide who is more fit as the one who governs this place."

"An election?" Mario was puzzled. "I thought those were exclusive to democracies. Why would they have a presidential election in a _king_dom?"

Peach pulled up the title card. "It is in this episode's card of title."

"Well, how come nobody ever told us that monarchies had elections?" Luigi asked.

"'Cause you're idiots." Bowser responded. "And anyway, I ain't running in no sissy election."

"Oh, I get it, Bowser!" Mario pointed. "You're just too chicken to run for president."

Just then, an unidentified brown-and-white object rammed into Mario. Mario picked himself up and immediately recognized his assailant - Donkey Kong Jr., gritting his teeth angrily and pointing an accusing finger at his target. Realizing what this monkey wanted with him, Mario gritted his teeth even more angrily and began to pound the snot out of DK Jr., with the monkey punching his nose each time. As they walked about trading punches, cars in the middle of the road in which they were fighting were forced to take a dive, exploding upon impact with the background objects.

The fighters soon found themselves rolling about in a ball, with Mario biting on DK Jr.'s fur and DK Jr. tearing at Mario's pant leg. Before they knew it, they had rolled off a cliff and onto the roof of a Mushroom Express train. At this point, they jumped back from each other, and then towards each other. Mario gave DK Jr. a swift kick in the crotch, sending him flying across the train and crashing right on the stove pipe. Mario ran right at him with his arms outstretched, preparing to attack again. But then DK Jr. got nasty. He flung a piece of his own excrements right at Mario, knocking his hat off. Mario reached down to pick it up, but then DK Jr. bit him on the butt. He let out a high-pitched Italian scream and leaped off of the train, taking DK Jr. down with him.

The pair landed on the roof of a cruise ship and went crashing through the sunroof, but not before Mario grabbed DK Jr. by the nostrils and flung him downward. The people on the ship couldn't help but be distracted at the sight of a man in his overalls fighting off a young monkey wearing a tank-top. Eventually, the two primates soon took their fisticuffs to the control room, where Mario accidentally pushed the speed control to Full Speed Ahead. During this, DK Jr. kicked Mario's own crotch twice. The extreme speed caused it to crash upon the shore of Isle Delfino, sending the combatants hurling over the Piantas as they looked at the destruction caused by the boat.

The battlers landed right on top of a plane that was just leaving Delfino Airstrip. Once again, they took as many shots as possible to punch each others' lights out, whether it was Mario's fist-throwing or DK Jr.'s feces-flinging. Finally, Mario dove onto DK Jr. and sent them falling right off of the plane. They landed on the roof of a Fire Flower delivery van that was driving through Shroom Ridge. DK Jr. kicked as hard as he could, knocking Mario away from him and seeming to knock him off the van. But just as he got up, Mario had climbed back on top, having gathered a Fire Flower from inside the van, and threw fireballs in the monkey's direction. It was at that point that the van turned a curve, and the brawlers fell a great height onto the ground below, with Mario crushing his foe. Licking his wounds, Mario walked away, not noticing DK Jr.'s hand moving faintly behind him.

Breathless from the melee, a battered and bruised Mario returned to the scene of the argument he had been taking part in. "Sorry about that," he apologized. "Anyway, as I was a-sayin', Bowser's too chicken to let the people decide."

"A chicken, am I?" shouted Bowser. "No way, Oreo! I can beat Princess Toadstool with one claw tied behind my back, or my tongue tied around my neck."

"You really assume that you can do that, don't you, Koopa?" said Peach philosophically. "Well, you are on! We will settle this fair and square, beauty against beast, princess against king, womano e monstero! The loser shall have to leave the kingdom for the eternity of ever. Deal?"

"Deal! Best one I ever made!" Bowser decided. "Except maybe for the time I bet on that spelling bee..."

_"A-ha! I toldja Charlie Brown was gonna screw up and misspell something!" Bowser laughed at the expense of his opponents. "You owe me 500 Blue Coins, boys."_

_"Drat, drat, and double drat!" Dick Dastardly stomped his feet._

_Next to his master, Muttley muttered, "Rassin' brassin' blockhead!"_

"All right, I accept your bet!" Bowser put out his hand to shake Peach's, but not before mistakenly grabbing the camera lens first.

Bowser Jr. rolled his eyes. "Why do I have the feeling that no matter who loses, nobody's really going to leave this place forever?"

"Ehhhh..." Larry tugged at Bowser's tail. "_Now_ can we go to Best Buy?"

"Ix-nay, Cheatsy!" Bowser pounded Larry's head again before walking off. "After the failure of _this_ plan, I'm too sore to go any place like that!"

"Yeah! Ix-nay, Cheatsy!" Bowser Jr. pounded Larry's head again as well.

Toad watched as the Koopas walked off, with Larry holding his head in pain again. "Hey Mario," he asked, "does Red Bull really give ya wings?"

Mario couldn't give an answer. He was still licking his wounds from his battle.

0-0-0

As soon as he returned to his big-ass castle, Bowser did his best Felix the Cat impression in front of his throne. "Well, I hope you're happy, Cheatsy! This is a fine mess you've gotten me into."

"Me?" Larry didn't understand. "What did I do?"

"_You_ got me roped into this stupid presidential election," Bowser pinned. "And you know darn well I ain't gonna win at it!"

"Whaddaya mean, King Dad? Americans always end up voting for presidents who turn out to be corrupt. This should be a cinch for ya!"

"Cheatsy, that's 'cause those morons in the Real World _don't_ know how corrupt those guys are. Meanwhile, the Mushroomlanders _do_ know that I'm an evil, troublemaking tyrant, and therefore are more likely to vote for that namby-pamby Princess of theirs! This is all _ your_ fault."

"Hey, I just wanted to go to Best Buy!" shouted Larry. "Why should _I_ get the blame for your current problem?"

Bowser stuffed a lupine in Larry's mouth. "Shut up, Cheatsy! _I'm_ the king around here; _I_ can blame whoever I want!"

Larry spat out the lupine and said, "Well, King Dad, if you think the Princess'll win 'cause she's a nice lady, why don't you try being nice yourself?"

"Me, nice?" Bowser responded. "I've never been nice in my life! Except once."

_"Believe me, doc, there's a lot of things in this world that are much tastier than codfish," Bowser explained. "Steak, for instance! And there's also watermelons and grapes. Take it from me, they're much better for ya than codfish."_

_"Hmm. Y'know, I never really thought of that. But OK! I'm gonna start eatin' those things instead!" Tick-Tock the Croc said before swimming off._

_Just as Bowser was about to walk off, Captain Hook came out of the bush he had been hiding behind and used his good hand to shake the anthropomorphic reptile's claw. "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you so much!" was all he could say._

"The thing is, Cheatsy, I'm allergic to nice!" Bowser took out a doctor's report. "See? Says so right here - 'Allergic To Nice'. How am I supposed to win a niceness contest if I can't even tip the waiter when I go out to lunch?"

"Hey, don't look at me." Bowser Jr. was playing with his abacus. "I'm still trying to figure out how people can elect presidents in a monarchy."

"Never fear, King Pop!" Ludwig Von Koopa rushed in, carrying a sprayer. "Kooky-- uh, _Ludvig_ Von Koopa's got the solution to your problem!"

"Kooky, isn't that my insect repellant sprayer?" But before he could get an answer, Bowser suddenly found himself getting stung in the face by whatever it was that Ludwig had loaded into the sprayer. "Aaagh!" he screamed and coughed as his face turned a bright shade of blue. "You sonofabitch! What did you do to my beautiful face? Why I oughta-- Why I oughta--" Just then, the blue glow faded away as his expression changed to a rather sweet one. "I oughta give you a raise in your allowance, you charming, considerate little thing you!" And with that, he kissed Ludwig's cheek.

Bowser Jr. grimaced. "Aw, gay!"

"You're promoted back to second-best in the family, right above Princie." Bowser smiled as he took out a list and edited it. It now read:

_FAVORITES IN MY FAMILY  
Bowser (me)  
Kooky  
Princie  
Kamek  
Kammy  
Bully  
Bigmouth  
King Boo  
Hip  
Petey  
Goomboss  
Hop  
Kootie Pie  
Vegas wife  
Cheatsy_

Once he was done with that list, Bowser walked off with a gleam in his eye. "What did you give him, Ludwig?" Bowser Jr. asked.

"It can only be one thing..." said Larry. "_Ecstasy!_"

"Wrong, Larry!" answered Ludwig. "It's my latest invention - the Nice-Guy Potion! Without zis, King Dad vouldn't have a green snowball's chance in hell of vinning the election! And incidentally, in spite of the masculinity of the name, it works well on females too. Zose numbskulls Dexter and Jimmy have nozing on me if zey can't make somezing like zis!"

"Hmmmm..." Bowser Jr. rolled his eyes. "I can only wonder what wacky hi-jinx _this_ will cause."

0-0-0

Soon, back in the Mushroom Kingdom, Peach was preparing for the presidential debate, in spite of how early it was in the challenge. "Thank you again for agreeing to manage my campaign, friends," she said to the Mario Bros.

"Hey, being a campaign manager should be no sweat for me. After all, I used to perform marriages between humans and aliens," Mario said proudly.

_In a small church somewhere in outer space, Mario stood before Zim and Gaz, the former in a tuxedo and the latter in a wedding gown. "Do you, Invader Zim of Irk," the plumber-pastor asked, "take Gaz Membrane of Earth to be your awfully-- um, _lawfully _wedded wife?"_

_"Yes, yes, yes; I do!" Zim shouted irritatedly._

_Mario sighed. "You're a rather impatient husband-to-be, you know that?"_

Peach looked through the curtain at the abnormally small crowd gathered in front of the stage. "This is a rather small crowd to be debating in front of. What is the reason for this?"

"A small crowd? There must be some mistake!" said Luigi. "We sent Toadsworth and Wooster to gather everybody up! Where could they be?"

Some distance away, at Ocean Side, Toadsworth and Wooster were relaxing in beach chairs. "It's so nice to get away from it all, isn't it, Master Wooster?" said Toadsworth, raising a martini glass.

"Indubitably, sir," agreed Wooster, doing the same.

Back at the ranch, Mario put his hands in a huff. "Well, we'll just have to hope these folks are willing to spread word. Lucky thing I had this poster printed up!" he said, holding up a sign. It read, in big letters: "_SEX!_ Now that I have your attention, _vote for Peach!_"

Peach rolled her eyes as Luigi added, "Besides, King Koopa doesn't seem to be showing up for this debate. This might be easier than running unopposed!"

Peach stepped up to her podium and addressed the audience of six. "Friends, as you may or may not know by now, I have challenged King Koopa to run against me in a fair presidential election, in spite of the fact that this place is a monarchy and not a democracy."

"Duuuuude," one particularly wasted subject said, "what's she talkin' about?"

The guy he was addressing took the pot out of his mouth. "I dunno; somethin' about George W. Bush, I guess."

"But obviously," Peach continued, "he isn't reptile enough to come and debate me!"

"Shouldn't dat be 'reptilian enough'?" nitpicked Toad. "See, 'reptile' is a noun, and 'reptilian' is an adjective based on it."

Just then, they heard the sound of a marching band coming from offscreen. "Do any of you hear something?" Peach asked.

"Sounds like a parade," answered Mario. "Did I just go through another role-playing game?"

The parade in question was made up of the Koopalings marching through the streets of Toad Town, beating drums and blowing trumpets. Right behind them, a cheery Bowser carried a treasure chest full of Coins, tossing them out like confetti. "There's nothing to debate, you wonderful Mushroom People," he addressed the six bystanders as he threw his Coins in front of them. "Here; take all my money, and remember, nice old King Koopa says 'Have a nice daaaay!' Hoo hoo!" Despite the fact that it was being given to them by a turtle/dragon hybrid who caused trouble so freakin' frequently, the six audience members gladly accepted his yellow cash.

"What the hell?" was all Mario could say.

"As much as I'd tell you to watch your language, Mario, I think you have a point!" said Luigi. "Koopa _steals_ money; he doesn't share it like he's doing right now!"

"You don't think his Goombas got their nonexistent hands on that Vibe Scepter again, do you?"

"Friends, I have a bad feeling about this..." said Peach, squeezing in a "Star Wars" reference.

0-0-0

Later that day, Bowser once again gave away free stuff, this time from the comfort of his Doomship. Despite the Airship background music playing at the time, the Mushroom People were welcoming it with open arms as the Koopa King tossed out free stuff as if on a Mardi Gras float.

"Free toys for your kiddies! Free flea collars for your pets! Free false teeth for your grandfolks! Free cigars for your hookers!" Bowser cried out as he dropped a nearby barrel's contents over the Doomship's railing. "There'll be more of these nice things, oh nice people, when you elect nice me as your nice ruler! Kissy-kissies, ya'll!"

"Yay Koopa! Hooraay!" The stupid and shoddily-animated Mushroom People cheered as the Doomship sailed off.

While that was going on, Peach and her managers were having a discussion inside Toad's house. Sheesh, even when Peach's name is in the episode's title, they still lounge around Toad's house. Why were they not in the castle?

"We gotta do something about Bowser's campaign, Princess!" Mario said. "Can you believe how stupid everybody is to be cheering for him?"

"You said it!" Luigi agreed. "After so many games with him causing trouble, you'd think they'd be even the least bit suspicious!"

"Ain't you ponderin' what I'm ponderin', guys?" Toad was wearing a shirt with Bowser's image and signature on it. "Da way I see it, he most likely has some kinda potion with which to make himself act like something he isn't in order to win the approval of da voters."

"TOADIE! That's naughty-waughty potty talk!" Mario grabbed Toad and dragged him to the bathroom. "I'm gonna have to rinse your mouth out with soap!"

"_NOOOOOOO!_" Toad screamed as Mario prepared to place the soap bar in his mouth.

Luigi grimaced, and then turned to Peach. "Well, what can we do, Princess? I don't want us to resort to a smear campaign. That got me in too much trouble once."

"Do not worry, friends," Peach declared. "I will make a speech at the picnic celebrating this kingdom's day of founding."

"The Founders' Day Picnic?" said Mario, walking out of the bathroom with a bubble-hiccupping Toad. "How're you gonna be successful there?"

"It is quite simple, my dear Mario," the Princess answered. "I have a funny hat ready for the occasion. I will be sure to remind my not-at-the-moment faithful subjects what Koopa is really like."

At that point, Toadette walked into the room. "Could somebody tell me what's going on here?"

"Nothing, Toadette," Mario replied. "We're just trying to figure out how to defeat this new edge Bowser has in this presidential campaign this kingdom is somehow having."

"Uh, could it be that he's using a potion that is making him act nice?" Toadette theorized.

Mario shook his soap bar in Toadette's face. "You want some of this?"

Neither of the good guys noticed that, at the moment, Bowser's two favorite kids (Ludwig and Bowser Jr.) and his current least favorite (Larry) were spying on them like peeping toms. "Whadaya think, guys?" Ludwig asked his littlest brothers. "Will our nice King Dad stand a chance?"

"Well, Ludwig," Bowser Jr. replied, "it is my belief that..."

"Not without more cheating!" Larry interrupted. "While King Dad conducts a nice campaign, _we'll_ conduct a dirty one!"

Bowser Jr. tried to raise a point, but stopped. "Hmmmm... you guys might actually have a good idea there." But then, without warning, he was suddenly slapped in the face by Ludwig. "Owwww..." he whimpered, rubbing his cheek. "What'd you do that for, Ludwig?"

"_That_ was for convincing Takeshi Tezuka to leave us, your own siblings, out of New Super Mario Bros." Ludwig responded angrily.

0-0-0

Later, at the Mushroom Kingdom Founder's Day Picnic, Princess Peach was giving her speech (hmm, that rhymed), this time without a podium or a stage to give it on. Behind her, the Mario Bros. and Toad watched. In place of her royal crown was a big green foam hat that read, "I may dress in pink, but at least I'm not a rabid fangirl who can't tell fiction apart from reality."

"My fellow Mushroomers," she spoke, "you are all being used in this election! Just because King Koopa is giving out free trash right now, why must you be forgetting what he has done in the time that has passed? Need I remind you that this is the same King Koopa who has kidnapped me no less than eleven times? And that is not even counting the remakes, which would make it twenty-three kidnappings! Plus, he made my friends and I participate in a seemingly endless amount of movie parodies that had no apparent point in the previous series! Please, people, do not choose to approve of Koopa's reign of terror, for I promise a decent reign of terr...ific management. _Ich bin ein Mushroomland!_"

The impressionable Mushroom People applauded. "Uh, what was she sayin'?" one guy said to his buddy.

"I dunno," said the second guy, "but she's got a funny hat. I think I'll vote for her!"

"Oh yes," said a third guy. "That hat makes a very accurate phrase too."

Nearby, a female Mushroomlander with an "I (Heart) DP" t-shirt shook with aggression. "Noooo... it can't be! Danny Phantom is too hot to not be real!"

"You tell 'em, Princess!" Mario applauded along with his brother and whatever role Toad has. "And now, the daughter of this place's king, need I remind you people that this is a kingdom and not a democracy, will light the Founder's Day Fireworks!" He indicated the convenient fireworks rockets nearby. "Never mind the fact that it's daytime and they won't be easily seen."

A safe distance away, Ludwig and Larry had been watching the speech, which apparently was loud enough for them to hear despite their apparent lack of ears. "Uh-oh, King Dad's in trouble, Kooky!" said Larry. "That was a good speech!"

"Dammit, Cheatsy, zat is _my_ line!" Ludwig slapped his little brother in the face. "And don't call me 'Kooky'. But you raise a good point. Zerefore, ve're going to fix it so zat she _won't_ make another one!"

Bowser Jr. came up, lugging one of the fireworks rockets. "Ugggh! Why did _I_ have to go fetch the rocket we need for this plan? Couldn't you make Larry do it?"

"Now now, Princie," Ludwig took the rocket. "We need zis rocket for our plan."

Bowser Jr. looked up and watched the fireworks that Peach had just set off. "Boy... Mama Peach sure is a wiz at makin' fireworks if she's able to make 'em light up in the daytime. Uh, incidentally, what are we doing about Mama Peach, anyway?"

"Simple - ve're going to get her _killed._" Ludwig grinned evilly.

Bowser Jr. gasped femininely. "You can't be serious! Can't we just sabotage the election in a way that _won't_ render Mama Peach dead?"

"Shut up, Princie! Nobody likes you!" Still grinning evilly, Ludwig lit the fuse on the rocket and sent it flying. It hit the apparently loosely-built pyramid of brick blocks that the picnickers had been standing in front of.

The blocks began to fall down in the Princess' direction. "Whooa!" she said. "I did not plan for this to happen!"

From their spot, Larry joked, "Looks like King Dad will win by a landslide!" He chuckled at his joke, but Ludwig and Bowser Jr. did not. Ludwig _did_ laugh when Larry explained to him that a landslide was what he had just caused, but Bowser Jr. was still frightened at the idea of his "mama" being killed off.

Peach ran as fast as she could from the falling blocks until she reached the edge of the nearby cliff. With the blocks still on her tail, she jumped off of it.

"No, Peach! Not into the pit! It burns!" Mario ran to the cliff side, with Luigi behind him.

"Oh no! Princess!" The green man fake-cried, looking at the pile of blocks scattered at the bottom of the gorge. "Ah well, she lived a good life. C'mon, let's go get a churro."

But Mario dragged his brother down with him as he descended the platforms sticking out from the cliff and looked around for the presidential princess. "Princess Peach, where are you?" he cried, almost tearing up. "Mama mia, if anything's happened to you, I'll--"

"You will do what?" Peach climbed out of a warp pipe nearby.

Mario, all of a sudden, tackled her to the ground and claimed her nose with his lips. "Oh Princess, you're alive!"

"How did you survive?" Luigi asked.

"Have you not forgotten?" Peach replied when Mario finished kissing her. "My skirt allows me to float whenever I am in the middle of air. This trick allowed me to slower the rate of my descent, and it also allowed me to safely land in that pipe of warping."

Again, Luigi looked weirded out at the speech pattern. "Why are you talking like that?"

"Ummmm... I don't know," she answered.

"It looks like sabotage, Weege!" Mario declared. "Even with Bowser's new uncharacteristic behavior, those little brats of his must still be up to their own tricks!"

"I think you're right, Mario!" Luigi walked off in the opposite direction. "We'll have to monitor their every move."

Mario started to follow him. "See you later, Peach. We're gonna go spy on Koopa now."

"Well, try not to get hurt!" Peach called as he started to leave. "I want to repay you for that kiss you just gave me."

"Don't worry, Princess," Mario swore, pointing at his hat and holding up a SpongeBob doll. "As long as this cap is red, and this sponge is Bob, I will not let you down!"

"Uh, Mario?" Peach asked as Mario held her above his head. "Could you please let me down?"

0-0-0

Later on, Bowser was still going about pretending to be nice and doing his presidential campaigning duties, baby-kissing among them. As the Fortress BGM track played, he was looking at a plain Mushroom woman and her baby. "Well, hello there, little fella!" he said, tickling the baby and making funny noises. "Give your uncle a big kiss!"

"Hey! I am _not_ your nephew, hoser!" the baby yelled, and he hit the turtle king's snout with his rattle.

Even though it was a rather small rattle, Bowser held his nose in pain. "YEOWCH! Why you little--" He was about to strangle the baby when he remembered that he was still in front of the mother. "Uh, you little sweet thing, you!" he ad-libbed before kissing the baby. As soon as the infant and his maternal unit were out of earshot, he wiped his lips and muttered, "Eeeeeyuck! Those little mushroom brats taste terrible!"

At that point, Ludwig, Larry, and Bowser Jr. came running up. "You'd better not let them hear you say that, King Dad!" Larry reprimanded, his head turning orange. "It could ruin your chances of winning the election."

"To hell with the voting public, Cheatsy!" Bowser screamed and pounded his second-youngest into the ground. "I'm freakin' sick of being nice!"

"Oh crap!" Ludwig shouted. "The Nice-Guy Potion must be wearing off."

"I knew this would happen; I just knew it," Bowser Jr. muttered. "You guys just _had_ to try and kill Mama Peach, didn't you?" And with that, he hit Larry even deeper into the ground.

"You kids get your scaly asses back to the castle and get me some more of that freakin' potion!" the King Koopa ordered. "My final speech before the votes are made is coming up, and I need to be as influential as possible!"

"Righto, papa!" Bowser Jr. saluted along with Ludwig. They pulled Larry out of the ground and dragged him with them in the direction of Darkland.

"AND HURRY UP! BEIN' NICE IS KILLING ME!" Bowser screamed before pulling out his doctor's report again. "See? Like it says, 'Allergic to Nice'."

Neither of the Koopas noticed that they were being eavesdropped. In the background scenery nearby, the Mario Bros. climbed out of the box they were hiding in. "So _that's_ how Bowser's getting the edge in this election!" said Mario. "He's using ecstasy! That bastard."

"Uh, they said they're using a Nice-Guy Potion, Mario," Luigi corrected, "not ecstasy."

"Well, whatever he's using," Mario planned, "we must stop him from getting more! You know what that means."

"Oh no! Not..."

"Yep! We gotta go to Castle Koopa, find his supply, and dispose of it."

"But Castle Koopa's crawling with zillions of Koopa guards!" Luigi shivered. "Shouldn't you have collected that bit of knowledge after having been there so many times?"

Mario poked his brother's chest. "Luigi, do you like making homemade DVD sets of long-forgotten TV shows? Do ya? 'Cause if the Koopas take over this kingdom, that's the first thing to go!"

"Sorry Mario, but my foot is down. I'm not goin' to Darkland, and that's final!"

"Well, fine! I'm not even gonna bother with a Gilligan's Island Cut. You just stay there and _I'll_ go get rid of Koopa's potion." Mario trotted off in the direction of the Koopa Kingdom.

"Knock yourself out!" Luigi called after him. "Nothing's gonna get me to go through the traps that Bowser's laid out there."

Suddenly, Toadia from Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door busted in and grabbed Luigi on his leg, giggling mercilessly. "I'm your #1 fan," she said.

"Eeeeyipes!" Luigi screamed, shook Toadia off his leg, and ran in the direction Mario was going. "Wait for me, Mario! Nothing's worse than putting up with _her!_"

"But I'm your #1 faaaannnn!" Toadia wailed, trying to give chase.

0-0-0

Soon afterward, the Mario Bros. were walking through the depths of Bowser's seldom-mentioned-in-the-games place of citizenship. Luigi was trying to keep his mind off the pressure by singing to himself.

"Following the leader,  
The leader, the leader  
We're following the leader  
Wherever he may go.

Tee-dum, tee-dee  
A teedle ee-do tee-day  
Tee-dum, tee-dee  
It's part of the game we play  
Tee-dum, tee-dee  
The words are easy to say  
Just a teedle ee-dum  
A teedle ee-do..."

"Luigi, will you quit singing that?" Mario shushed.

"Whaat?" whined Luigi. "My singing isn't _that_ bad. Besides, 'Following the Leader' kinda fits my status as a sidekick."

"No, it's not _that,_" clarified Mario. "I just don't want Disney to find out and sue us. Believe me, even _I_ can't beat their lawyers."

Luigi's attention suddenly focused on what was coming up in front of them. "Aiiii! Look out! Tanks!"

Mario looked at the pair of tanks that were coming their way. "O-ho! Now there's something I _can_ beat! Stay right here." Sneering, the plumber leaped at the tanks. For the next forty-five seconds or so, Luigi heard sounds of a bitter struggle from offscreen. After a while, Mario returned, carrying a cage full of enemies over his head. "OK, Luigi, it's safe to go forward now."

"Why am _I_ in zis cage?" Mouser muttered, in his German accent, from inside the cage. "I'm not even on zis stupid show anymore!"

Luigi rolled his eyes. "Well, so much for _this_ episode's song cover..."

Several minutes later, the Mario Bros. had made their way to the front door of Castle Koopa. "OK, Luigi, we're here." Mario knocked on the door as Luigi stumbled up the stairs. "Now behave yourself, and I'll buy you lunch on the way back."

The door opened, and out came a green Koopa Troopa, wearing a similarly-hued helmet and carrying a similarly-hued spear. "Nobody gets in to see the King," he said. "Not nobody, not no-how!"

"Oh no, we're not here to see King Koopa. We've come to, uh, borrow something of his," Mario stretched the truth.

"Oh, well why didn't you say so? Go right in." The Koopa Troopa benevolently let them pass.

Luigi silently huffed. "It could be just me, but I think these Troopas are getting dumber each year."

Mario played lookout. "All right, now we gotta find the entrance to the Koopalings' secret lab. That's the trouble with big places like Castle Koopa - it's easy to get lost in them!"

"Hey, I think maybe _this_ is the way!" Luigi was indicating a big neon sign that read "To Ludwig Von Koopa's Secret Lab." Two big honking levers were positioned under it.

"Yeah! That must be it. Pull the lever, Luigi." Mario commanded. But just as his brother did so, a trap door opened underneath him. "WRONG LEVERRRRR!" he screamed as he fell through it.

Luigi looked down into the trap door. "Oopsy," was all he could say.

Mario returned through a nearby entrance, dripping wet and detaching a Rip Van Fish from his pants. "Why does he even _have_ that lever?"

Luigi pulled the other lever, and the two plumbers were thrust into a roller coaster cart on the other side of the wall. "**Please remain seated, and keep your arms and legs in at all times,**" a mysterious voice echoed as the Marios were strapped in, and then the cart went down the roller coaster it was attached to, going through loops and tickle-bellies until finally it deposited them in the secret lab, clad in white lab coats. Needless to say, they immediately clapped each others' hands upon this.

Not far from where they landed, Ludwig was mixing up the next batch of Nice-Guy Potion while Larry and Bowser Jr. stood by with the ingredients. They were all wearing lab coats too. "Can't you hurry it up, Kooky?" Larry asked. "King Dad needs this potion ASAP!"

"Don't rush me, Cheatsy!" His hands suddenly turning green, Ludwig slapped Larry in the face again - twice. "And don't call me a sap! Perfection takes time. Princie, hand me the ecstasy chemicals."

"A-ha!" Larry rubbed his cheek. "It _is_ ecstasy!"

"Shut up, Cheatsy!" Bowser Jr. slapped Larry and then handed Ludwig the vial containing ecstasy.

"You heard him, Cheatsy!" Ludwig added. "You screw up this batch, and I won't have time to genius up another one."

"Uh, Kooky, 'genius' is a noun, not a verb," Bowser Jr. corrected.

"I don't need correction!" Ludwig responded to this by socking Larry in the jaw. Bowser Jr. cackled at this, but then Ludwig socked him in the jaw too.

"Owwww... why'd you do that?" he sniveled.

"_That_," Ludwig answered, "was for convincing Mr. Tezuka to replace us with giant versions of the regular enemies as bosses!"

Neither of the Koopalings noticed the Mario Bros. coming in. So much for reptilian genius. "All right, Luigi, you go distract the Koopalings, and I'll snatch the ecstasy potion."

"Wait, wait," interrupted Luigi, "why do _I_ have to distract the Koopalings? Can't _you_ do it?"

"Nope!" Mario simply answered, pushing Luigi forward.

Luigi took a beaker from the desk he had pushed towards and deliberately dropped it. "Whoops! Guess I don't know my own strength!" he said as the Koopalings turned around.

"It's that green sidekick of Mario's!" Bowser Jr. stated the obvious.

"How did you get here? You must be _this_ tall to ride the Secret Lab Coaster." Ludwig put his hand at Bowser Jr.'s height, then took a better look at Luigi. "Oh, I didn't realize you were taller."

"Let's go punch 'im in the stomach!" Larry declared.

"_I'll_ make the commands around here!" Ludwig slapped Larry again, and the three of them chased the green sidekick out of the Secret Lab.

While they were doing that, Mario snuck in and dumped the Nice-Guy Potion into the sink Ludwig had stupidly placed it next to. "There! This'll teach King Koopa not to use illegal drugs in order to win competitions!"

In the hallway on the other side of the wall of the Secret Lab, the three little turtles showed how inept they were by not bothering to look closely at the Bowser Statue that Luigi was hiding behind. "Where did that green fool get to?" asked Bowser Jr.

"Oh, forget about him, Princie!" Ludwig silenced. "Vwe gotta get zat ecstasy potion to Dad before he screws up the election!"

"Yeah! Or else..." Larry was in fear of taking more abuse.

Luigi watched from behind the Bowser Statue as the Koopalings ran back out of the hallway. Even though they were a good distance away from the Secret Lab, Luigi heard Ludwig screaming the exact moment he was out of the shot. "Aaaagh! The potion is gone! Ve've been robbed!"

Luigi cackled behind the statue. "I'd love to be there to see ol' Bowser's face when he finds out about this!"

Sure enough, just as the Mario Bros. were leaving the castle, Bowser, apparently getting impatient with having to wait for his kids to return, had come to pick up the potion himself. Sheepishly, Ludwig admitted to his dad that the castle had been burglarized.

"WHAAAAAAAT!" Bowser screamed. "What do you mean the Marios stole my castle?"

"No, no, I mean zat zey stole _from_ the castle," Ludwig said, his voice getting squeaky from his dad strangling him and Larry, but not Bowser Jr. "To be more exact, zey stole the Nice-Guy Ecstasy Potion."

"They stole the Good-Boy Ecstatic Chemical?" Bowser was aghast. "But I can't win without it! And you know who I'm gonna blame for this, don't you?"

"P-p-p-p-please, don't remind me..." Larry was running out of breath from the choking.

"If you ask me, papa," Bowser Jr. pipped, "this whole incident never would've gotten started if you had never made that agreement with Mama Peach in the first place. Heck, considering that the Mushroom Kingdom's a monarchy, they shouldn't even be having this election in the first place!"

"Shut your mouth, Princie!" Bowser kicked his kin in the tail. "Nobody asked you to be Judge Judy and executioner!"

0-0-0

Soon, back at the Mushroom Kingdom, Peach was giving her speech to a thankfully bigger crowd than earlier. She had made quite a good speech, promising such deeds as lessening homework assignments and removing live-action programming from all-cartoon channels. "You've heard my speech," she said when she was finished, stepping away from the mushroom podium. "Now get ready to hear King Koopa's, _then_ decide who you honestly want running things around here."

Behind the stage, Bowser fidgeted and chewed on his claws. "I'm not goin' out there! This election was a stupid idea anyway!"

"Shucks, papa!" said Bowser Jr. "Didn't I tell you that?"

"Come on, pop!" said Ludwig. "You could just try faking your way through this."

"Yeah! You're the biggest faker around here!" Larry then put his hands out in front of him. "Please don't hit me again..."

"Cheeeeatsyyyy..." Bowser looked threatening at first, but then backed away. "You're absolutely right! Nobody's a bigger fake than me! Except maybe that insurance salesman who conned me once."

_"So how much is this volcano insurance?" Bowser asked._

_"Oh, let's say about 500 Blue Coins," the familiar-looking salesman said, indicating the jar on the table._

_"500 Blue Coins? No way!" Bowser refuted. "I just won that betting on a spelling bee!"_

_"Has it ever occurred to you, pal," the salesman twirled his moustache, "that there is more to life than gambling?" At that point, a somewhat muffled guffawing noise came from underneath him. "Quiet, Muttley!" He punched at what appeared to be his crotch._

Bowser got up on stage and waved his hands at the crowd, not noticing that the mushroom podium he was supposed to stand behind was missing. "Thank you, all my adoring fans! It is with great pleasure that I make my final speech before the votes are counted. If I had another barrel of them at the moment, I'd give you all more of my merchandising, courtesy of Nintendo's licensing department."

"Not so fast, Bowser Koopa!" Peach fingered from the crowd, sounding higher-pitched than before. "I've just been told that you've been using ecstasy in order to win this election!"

"ECSTASY?" said all the audience members in unison.

"She means a Nice-Guy Potion, people!" Luigi hushed them.

"That, sir, is an unmitigated fabrication!" shouted Bowser. "I don't need a freakin' potion _or_ drugs to be a nice guy! And I will personally pound any twerp who says that I do into mush!" And with that, the mushroom podium reappeared so he could pound it.

0-0-0

Later that day, after everybody had gone to the voting booths, Mario opened the envelope and announced the winner. "The votes have been counted, people, and the winner, by 5,427,163⅓ votes, is Princess Peach! Which is just as well, seeing how her retarded father is already king of this place anyway."

Bowser threw his arms down in a fit. "What? Even after I tell everybody that the Princess is against puppies and chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream, and in favor of measles, dead frogs, hundreds of hours of homework, and Jetix on Toon Disney, everybody _still_ votes for her?"

"I think a better question to ask is, how can one-third of a person vote?" Bowser Jr. asked. "_This_ I have to see!"

"Sweet!" Peach raised her arms victoriously. "This calls for a victory tune!"

"You got it!" Music kicked up as Mario began to sing.

"Now a woman who'll kiss on the very first date  
Is usually a hussy,  
And a woman who'll kiss on the second time out  
Is anything but fussy,  
But a woman who'll wait till the third time around,  
Head in the clouds, feet on the ground,  
She's the girl he's glad he's found,  
She's his Shipoopi!

Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!  
_That girl who's hard to get!_  
Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!  
_But you can win her yet!_

Walk her once just to raise the curtain,  
Walk around twice and you're made for certain,  
Once more in the flower garden,  
She will never get sore if you beg her pardon."

Peach waved her arms around and the Toads sang in tune:  
"Do re me fa so la si  
Do si la sol fa mi re do!"

"Squeeze her once, when she isn't lookin'," Mario continued,  
"Get a squeeze back, that's fancy cookin',  
Once more for a pepper-upper,  
She will never get sore on her way to supper."

"Do re me fa so la si  
Do si do!" chorused the Toads.

"Now little Sal was a no-gal  
As anyone could see," sang Mario,  
"Lookit her now, she's a go-gal  
Who only goes for me!

Squeeze her once when she isn't lookin',  
Get a squeeze back, that's fancy cookin',  
Once more for a pepper-upper,  
She will never get sore on her way to supper!"

"Do re me fa so la si  
Do si do!" chorused the Toads.

"Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!" Mario and the Toads sang at once.  
"_That girl who's hard to get!_  
Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!  
_But you can win her yet!_"

Bowser glared as all the Mushrooms got in on the singing and dancing. "No! NOO!" he screamed when he saw that even his eight kids were getting caught in the act.

"_Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!_  
That girl who's hard to get!  
_Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!_  
But you can win her yet!" All the non-villains went for a big finish.

"**You can win her yeeeeeettttt!  
SHIPOOPI!**"

"Arrright!" Mario said as soon as the song was over. "I made a touchdown."

"I don't understand!" Bowser whined. "How could I be the only guy who voted for me? I promised Wario and Tatanga good pay if they voted for me, and furthermore, I don't think this kingdom even really _has_ 5,427,163⅓ people!" He lowered his eyelids in the direction of his second-youngest offspring. "Cheatsy...!"

"Hey, don't blame us, King Dad! Especially not me!" Larry cringed. "We're only kids; we're not old enough to vote! Except maybe Kooky; he's the oldest."

Bowser turned to face his eldest kid. "It's not my fault either, pop!" Ludwig simpered. "I was so busy fixing up zat potion, I never found time to vote!"

"And anyway," added Bowser Jr., "I wouldn't be surprised if I would've ended up voting for Mama Peach, considering that she's nice and you're--"

Bowser could only respond by letting out one of his many growls from Mario Kart 64.

"Uh, I guess I don't need to say anything more!" the Koopa Kid silenced himself.

"I'm gonna chase you all the way to China!" Sending steam clouds out his nostrils, Bowser let out another growl and began chasing Larry. Luckily for himself, Larry only needed to walk in order to elude his father's wrath, since Bowser ran at a rather slow pace.

Ludwig and Bowser Jr. watched the sluggish chase. "Well, Ludwig," Bowser Jr. admitted, "I guess we've learned something today."

"No doubt," Ludwig said in an unaccented tone. "Winners Don't Use Drugs!"

* * *

No, I don't have anything against Larry. I just thought it would make a funny running gag if I had him constantly getting the blame or taking abuse for Bowser and the others' misfortunes. After all, "Family Guy"'s been doing it a lot with Meg recently! What I _do_ hate is those stubborn fangirls who refuse to accept the fact that Danny Fenton and other cartoon boys like him are nothing more than pieces of fiction. Get a life, you pea-brains. If Danny's hooking up with anybody, it's not you.


	6. Dadzilla

**Author's Note:** Sometimes I wonder if the writers for "Adventures of SMB3" really _were_ better than its predecessor's writers, because the concept of this episode was already done in the "SMB Super Show". OK, so maybe SMBSS never had the Koopalings mistaking a movie monster for their actual dad, but they _did_ do a "Godzilla" parody that was actually more in spirit to the big G's films, seeing how "Mario Meets Koopzilla" placed Mario-tachi in a Tokyo setting. But whatever the reason, this episode at least has a plot that those wacky writers at Toho never thought of putting Godzilla in! So, just in time for the release of the latest "Captain Underpants" installment as well as a certain Mario-related DVD release mentioned somewhere in here, here's...

* * *

**"Dadzilla"**

The place, Bowser's Castle. The time, Saturday morning. In her rather messy room, that sour 16-year-old princess of brats, Wendy O. "Kootie Pie" Koopa, was admiring her reflection in her mirror. Oh, sorry, my mistake. She was reading an issue of the "Barbie" comic book.

"Ugh," she muttered. "How can Marvel Comics give that toy bimbo Barbie her own comic book and not _me?_ I'm twice the whiny bizzatch she is!"

At that point, she suddenly heard the sound of her dad making stomping noises from offscreen. "KOOTIE PIE!" Bowser yelled out. "If that pigsty you call your room isn't clean yet, you're grounded again!"

"Oh snap!" Without even objecting to being called Kootie Pie, Wendy dropped the comic book and started rushing around the room like a typical cartoon character, grabbing everything that wasn't nailed down and stuffing it into her closet. She had just about finished the job when Bowser came in. "Oh, good morning, King Daddyins!" she said. "I was just cleaning my room."

"You were?" Bowser looked at the sparkling room. "Oooh, that's good. My boss in the Loyal Brotherhood of Tomato Sauce Vampires is coming over for dinner, and I want to make a good impression on him. He might give me a promotion!"

"Yes, isn't that nice?" muttered Wendy.

"Yes, it sure is magnificent." Bowser then walked towards the closet, reaching his claw towards the doorknob. "Now did you straighten out your closet like I asked you to?"

"AAUGH!" Wendy cried. "Don't open thaa..."

But it was too late. The door was opened, and all of Wendy's junk tumbled on top of the Koopa King. After about fifteen seconds, Bowser emerged from the pile and said, "Back to work, kiddo."

"_You_ made this mess! _You_ clean it up!" Wendy tried to order.

Bowser's head boiled red, his horns erupting at the top. "That does it!" he yelled. "Just for this, there'll be no chocolate or TV for a month! And no tripping old ladies for _ two_ months! And no trying to attack Princess Peach with a fire rod in the intro next week! And most of all, I'm not having you appear in Super Paper Mario!" And with that, he stormed out of the room and commanded the Hammer Bros. to clean it up.

Wendy was just plain upset. "Yeesh!" she muttered as she turned her attention back to the "Barbie" comic. "I swear, sometimes that bad ol' bag o' scales makes me so mad, I oughta make him go bungee jumping without a cord! How did I ever end up with _him_ for a dad?" At this point, a lightbulb suddenly appeared over her head and she gasped. "Of course! That's it!"

"What's it, Kootie Pie?" Morton Koopa Jr. walked in without permission.

Wendy grabbed her little brother by the chest. "King Dad's not my real dad!"

"King Dad's not your real dad?" Morton repeated.

"King Dad's not my real dad." Wendy repeated herself. "And don't call me Kootie Pie!"

At this point, Bowser Jr. walked by. "Hmm, I didn't know there was an echo in here."

Wendy rolled her eyes. "Uh, anyway, like I'm saying, I must be adopted! I am far too pretty to be a Koopa!"

"You know, you might have a point!" said Morton. "King Dad doesn't make long, winding speeches the way I do, nor does he even _ look_ like me! I must be adopted too!"

"You two are adopted?" said Bowser Jr. "That _would_ explain why _I_ got the looks in the family."

"Whatever." Wendy rolled her eyes again, then picked up a copy of Entertainment Weekly from the pile of mess. "I'll bet a fortune our _ real_ dad is a movie star!"

"Yeah! Someone magnificent, like we are!" agreed Morton.

"You two, magnificent? Pffft!" Bowser Jr. scoffed. "That'll be the day. If you're so magnificent, why'd Papa put _me_ in New Super Mario Bros. and not you?"

"Fire up the Doomship!" Wendy declared, ignoring Bowser Jr.'s nitpicks. "We're going to Hollywood!"

"Uh, don't you think maybe we should get Kooky-- uh, _Ludwig_ to drive it?" Morton pointed out. "He _is_ the oldest of us, after all."

"Nah, he probably _isn't_ adopted," reasoned Wendy. "He can breathe fire too. Besides, I'm sixteen; I'm old enough to drive."

"Ooh, can we go to Chuck E. Cheese's while we're at it?" Bowser Jr. followed them out. "I just shot down this Crowber, and I wanna see if I can trade it in for tokens!"

0-0-0

While that was going on, over in the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario was sneaking around like a hunter, pretending to carry a boomstick. After a few seconds, he faced the cameraman and whispered, "Shh! Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting Fire Fwowers!" At that point, he shook his head with Hanna-Barbera's "pingitty-pingitty-ping" sound effect and set his sights on a "?" Block floating in the distance. He "aimed" his "boomstick" and was just about to "fire" when all of a sudden...

"HI MARIO!" Toad suddenly yelled out, in his loudest possible voice, from behind the plumber.

"Yaaaaagh!" Mario screamed and jumped thirty feet in the air. "Dammit, Toadie! You ruinated my concentrayshiun! Didn't you just hear me telling you to be vewy, vewy quiet? I'm hunting for Fire Flowers!"

"Why are ya huntin' for Fire Flowers?" Toad asked.

"Because you never know," Mario answered, plain and simple.

"Oh, give it up, Mario! Dere ain't no stinkin' Fire Flowers around here!"

"Says who? Just because I got a whole bunch of other Power-Ups to go after, it doesn't mean my need for Fire Flowers has diminished. Have you seen how easily the bosses in New Super Mario Bros. can be beaten if the players use Fire Flowers?"

They might've argued like this all day, but then Toad saw what was coming at them. "Oh my god! Koopa's Doomship is comin', and it's got a new paint job!"

Mario and Toad jumped out of the way of the grey Doomship and tumbled down the hill like Koopa shells. Once Mario had collected himself and put his jaw back in place, he noticed a Fire Flower right next to where he landed. "Ha! No Fire Flowers around here, eh, Toadie? I'd say you've been contradicted," he said, putting the plant in his pocket. "Man, I bet I'll use this later in the episode."

Inside the Doomship, which had by now reverted back to its original color, Wendy and Morton were bickering over the steering wheel. "Hollywood is _this_ way, you butthead!" Wendy shouted.

"No way, Beavis!" Morton rebuttaled. "Hollywood is _this_ way!"

Bowser Jr. was sitting on a crate nearby, filing his nails again. "You're both wrong!" he said, pointing outside the window. "The way to Hollywood is through that abnormally large pipe hanging in the sky there."

"Thanks a lot, Princie," replied Morton.

"You _do_ realize I'm just coming along so I can make fun of you at the end of the episode, right?" he pointed out. "That, and I still want to go to Chuck E. Cheese's."

"Shaddap," bit Wendy.

"Fine, be that way!" And with that, Bowser Jr. started singing to himself:  
"_Muppets, Babies, and Little Monsters toooooo...  
Welcome to our house, there's lots of fun for yoooouu_--"

"AND NO SINGING!" Wendy yelled, causing the music to die down.

The Koopalings steered the Doomship towards the big pipe sticking out of the sky. Along the way, they knocked the roof off of Toad's House. Damn. Don't you just hate when that happens?

Mario and Toad came running up. "Aaagh, dose Koopa bastards!" Toad cursed. "It'll take a whole season's salary to get my roof fixed!"

Luigi and Peach had apparently been inside the house when the roof got knocked off, 'cause they came running out as Toad was cussing. "What just happened out here?" Luigi asked. "Here was me, trying to use Toad's bathroom, and then suddenly, the roof falls off and I've probably been exposed to the people up in Nimbus Land!"

"Da Koopalings drivin' dat Doomship have just taken a warp pipe to Hollywood!" Toad shouted.

"Hey, how do you know that, Toad?" Luigi asked.

"I peeked ahead in da script!" Toad answered, holding it up.

"Wait a minute!" Mario interrupted. "Luigi and I practically _live_ in your house, Toadie. How come we've never seen this warp pipe before?"

"Silence, fool! Don't question the plot device!" cried Peach. "It angers the soul, yes it does!" The Mario Bros. and the little guy looked at her oddly. "Hey, I was just trying to give myself a line in this conversation," she admitted. "Anyway, if the Koopas are heading for the Real World... _again..._ then that's real trouble! We'd better follow them!"

"She could at least say 'please'," Mario said aside to Toad.

0-0-0

One change in the scenery later, the Doomship had arrived in the land of the movie stars, a.k.a. Hollywood. Strangely, nobody had noticed the arrival of a gigantic flying pirate ship and bothered to alert the authorities. They also failed to notice the oddity of the three Koopalings who were, at the moment, admiring the Walk of Fame. "I'll bet _another_ fortune," said Wendy, "that our movie star daddy's got his own star on the Walk of Fame!"

"Oh yeah?" said Bowser Jr. "Well, I got ten bucks that say you can't find it!"

"You're on!" said Morton. Just then, he heard the sound of a familiar monster roar, and with a yipe, he jumped into Bowser Jr.'s arms. Nearby, a gigantic monstrosity that had the appearance of a green Tyrannosaurus was rampaging around some fake buildings, chasing some extras who paid no attention to the three little reptiles they were running past. "Whoa!" Morton pointed at the monster in question. "Check out that big guy! He's strong!"

"He's handsome!" added Wendy. "I think he's sexy!"

"He must be _our real dad!_" Morton and Wendy said, in unison. And then they started dancing and singing in public, during which their shells turned green.

"_Happy Happy Joy Joy!  
Happy Happy Joy Joy!  
Happy Happy Joy Joy!  
Happy Happy Joy Joy!  
Happy Happy Joy Joy!  
Happy Happy Joy Joy!  
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy!_"

As his older siblings danced like idiots, Bowser Jr. looked at the so-called monster. "What the hell? This guy looks even less like either of you than Papa Bowser does! There is no way in Hell that this thing could possibly be your biological father. As a matter of fact, I think this guy's really an automaton, or a giant robot in layman's terms, designed in the likeness of a terrible lizard for the purposes of a movie that someone has decided to shoot out here in Hollywood."

"Shut up, Princie! Nobody likes you!" Morton followed his sister and got near the monster.

Little did they know, but Bowser Jr. was right in his assumption. The monster was indeed nothing more than a robot with a reptilian exoskeleton that was being used for a movie. Close by, a Native American man sitting in a chair wearing a fake goatee and a beret blew his whistle. "Cut! That'sth a wrap! And that goesth for you too, ya big bag o' boltsth!" And, using a remote controller he had confiscated from the robot's designer, he turned it off.

At this point, a man in a teal business suit approached the director. "Excuse me, Mr. Director, I'm Bill Straitman, and I don't mean to intrude, but I need to ask you this - don't you think you should have gotten permission from the original producers of the series before embarking on this project?"

"Oh, thsod thosthe moronsth in Tokyo!" said the heavily-lisped director. "I'm the director; I don't need tuh think!"

Close by, a fat boy in German clothing walked off the set with his Native American girlfriend. "Hey, thanks again for talking your uncle into give me a guest cameo in his movie, Susanna," he said.

"Hey, anything for a friend like you, Pule," said Susanna Susquahanna, in with her usual lisp. "Bethsidesth, I alwaysth thought yoursth wasth a faith bestht fit for moviesth."

"Oh, gosh..." Pule Houser blushed.

While that was going on, Morton and Wendy were puzzled as to why their "dad" had stopped moving. "What the hell is the matter with our dad?" Wendy whined. "Has he got a fever or something?"

"I already told you." Bowser Jr. came up to them. "Your 'movie star dad' is little more than a robot controlled by that heavily-lisped director over there."

"That's what you think!" Not really paying attention to his little brother, Morton pulled out his wand and made Wendy pull out hers. "Watch us revive him with these magic wands of ours!"

And that's just what they did. It was at this point that the director finally noticed the two Koopalings zapping his robot monster with their wands. "Hey, where'd thosth two kids in thuh funny-looking cothtumesth come from? I didn't order for kidsth in funny-looking cothtumesth tuh be in my movie! Get them off my thset!"

"Yeth, Uncle Thanford," Thuthanna thaluted. I mean, Susanna saluted.

"Uh, Susanna?" Pule tapped his gal pal's shoulder. "I don't think we can do that... Look!" And he pointed at the robot monster. Thanks to the beams from the Koopas' wands, it had come to life and was roaring in their direction. Pule, Susanna, and her Uncle Sanford screamed in horror and then fled in terror. But before they did the latter, Pule looked down at himself and said, "Oh nuts, I think I wet myself."

After he was finished roaring, the monster put his hand behind his head. "Oy! Ten thousand years will give ya such a creek in the neck!" At this point, he felt a tug on his leg and looked downward at the three little reptiles. "Hey, who are you three?" he said, lowering his hand so they could jump onto it.

"Don't you recognize us, papa?" Morton had the monster place him and his sibs on top of a real building. "We're Bigmouth and Koot-- I mean, Morton and Wendy O., uh, whatever your last name is! Don't you remember us? You put us up for adoption!"

"Really?" The monster was confused.

"Yeah!" added Wendy. "And we got taken in by a stinky poo-head named Bowser Koopa! Not to mention I was once humiliated by some bratty kids named Teamo Supremo, but that's another story that I'll bet _you'll_ believe 'cause our evil stepfather didn't!"

"Hang on there," said the monster. "If I put you two up for adoption, why don't I remember it?"

"Because, buddy," Bowser Jr. answered, "you never did. These two idiots just _think_ they're adopted, and they need you to think you're their dad in order for the episode's plot to get underway."

The monster looked at Bowser Jr. "And who's _this?_"

"That's just our littlest stepbrother - ignore him!" said Morton. "He's crazy!"

"Well, OK, if I'm supposed to believe that you're my kids, then I guess you're my kids," the monster decided. "What do you want me to do?"

"Ugh, screw this," muttered Bowser Jr. "I'm goin' back to the Doomship; it's time for my nap anyway! Bring me a Happy Meal when Mario beats you, OK?"

Wendy rolled her eyes and then addressed the monster. "We wanna be movie stars just like you!"

"Yeah, and in a _good_ movie too!" added Morton. "If there's one thing we'll at least give our mean ol' stepdad thanks for, it's leaving us out of that crappy live-action Super Mario Bros. movie from 1993! But first, get us a big bad wolf! I mean convertible!"

So the big bad monster reached down and grabbed a car from the streets, peeling off the roof as if it were a sardine container. The people who were inside the car jumped out when they saw the monster and plummeted to their grisly deaths on the sidewalk below

**WE INTERRUPT _KING KOOPA KATASTROPHE SPOOF 2_ FOR THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE.**

"Hello, I'm Lydia Karaoke, the network censor, and I object strongly to this narrative statement about people plummeting to their deaths. The killing of a group of innocent people is not needed for this unless it actually furthers the plot."

Um, ok, they used their umbrellas to float safely to the ground.

"Thank you, that's better."

Anyway, the big reptile then placed the car next to "his kids", who jumped right in. Immediately after getting in, though, Wendy began to complain again. "Ah, darn it! It's too small!"

"Yeah, we were hoping you'd get us a stretch limo!" agreed Morton. "All the sexy man-celebrities have one!"

"You mean like this?" The monster proceeded to stretch the car to limousine-length with his bare freakin' hands.

"Yeah, that's more like it!" Morton relaxed in the driver's seat.

"Now go get us our clawprints on the Walk of Fame!" Wendy demanded.

"Actually, you'd be having a star on the Walk of Fame, and not your handprints; handprints go in front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre," clarified the Jolly Green Giant. "And anyway, before you get either, you first need to make a big impact on show business. Just look at Vanna White - she's been hosting 'Wheel of Fortune' for who knows how long, and she's hot too!"

"Hey, it's _your_ responsibility as our parent to get us on the Walk of Fame! Or in front of the Chinese theater, or whatever you said." Wendy declared. "So do it!"

"Okay, if you say so!" said the monster.

0-0-0

Meanwhile, Team Mario had just come in via a warp pipe that happened to be positioned over an aqueduct. Is that what the Doomship came out of? They landed right on a pile of reeking garbage. Damn. Don't you just hate when that happens?

Princess Peach picked a banana peel off of her head. _Ugh, I thought I'd only have problems with these on the race tracks,_ she thought, before speaking aloud. "So _this_ is the glamorous Hollywood Kingdom you told me about, Mario?"

"No, Peach," the main character replied, "it's not a kingdom. It's just 'Hollywood'. Used to be called Hollywoodland, though."

"Yeah, dis place is nothin' like da Hollywood I always see on TV!" said Toad. "'Cept maybe dat Pokémon episode explainin' Meowth's backstory."

"Shut up, Toadie!" said Luigi. "We gotta go find those Koopalings you said had warped here."

"OK, but first we gotta do the one thing everybody does when in Hollywood..." Mario pulled out his digital camera. "_SIGHT-SEEING!_"

So the Mario group went sight-seeing all over Hollywood. They had their pictures taken in front of the Hollywood sign and just about every studio around. They even goofed around with the statues on the Nicktoons Animation building and climbed around the mural in the Warner Bros. studio.

Pretty soon, they were taking a look around the Walk of Fame, photographing the stars of their favorite celebrities. Mario looked rather displeased. "Yeesh. After 25 years, you'd think they'd have given me my own star on the Walk of Fame. I starred in a freakin' rock opera, people!"

Toad rolled his eyes. "Can we get back to lookin' for da Koopas? Everybody we saw at dose spots claimed dey hadn't seen 'em!"

"You're right, Toadie; we'll have to split up!" Mario suggested. "Luigi, you look around Disney's California Adventure, 'cause they'll surely stick out like sore thumbs there. Peach, you and Toad go check Universal Studios, and while you're there, see if they want me to sign copies of 'The Wizard' DVD. Velma, you go with Shaggy and Scooby."

"What will you do, Mario?" Luigi asked as he headed off.

"I guess I'll just ask random people in the street if they've seen any suspicious-looking anthropomorphic reptilian creatures walking around." The star without a star rolled his eyes at a nearby Charlie Chaplin impersonator. "Hmph. That's the trouble with Hollywood - nothing ever looks unusual around here."

Suddenly, Pepper Mills rushed up and glomped Mario, laughing hysterically. "Ah haa ha haah haa! I can't believe it's really you!" she said. "You star in the coolest video games! Can I please have your autograph?"

"Okey-dokey." Mario took her autograph book and signed his name in it. "At least _someone_ around here appreciates my work."

Pepper continued to giggle incessantly until she looked at the autograph and flashed an upset look in the plumber's direction. "Heeeey! You're not Sonic the Hedgehog!" And with that, she stormed off.

"Sonic the Hedgehog! AAAHHH!" Mario pulled on his moustache in frustration. "How could she mistake me for _him?_ He doesn't even have any facial hair!" When he was through venting on this case of mistaken identity, the plumber turned his attention to the giant green reptile in the background. "Hmmm. I'll bet that giant green reptile in the background could give me a clue." So he walked up to the giant green reptile in question and called out, "Yo, Joe!"

"Joe" turned to face him. "Are you addressing me?"

"Yeah, have you seen these reptilian kids about my size?" At this point, Mario had a better look at the monster he was speaking with. "Hey, I recognize you! You're Madzilla! The Godzilla rip-off that Luigi and I used to watch on the midnight movie back in Brooklyn! But enough memories; people have already heard enough of my life story anyway. There's trouble brewing here, Madzilla. And it's in the form of those reptilian kids I mentioned a few seconds ago!"

Close behind, Madzilla (and I'm glad he's got a name, 'cause I was getting tired of having to give him all those aliases) had been pulling the Koopalings' car on a rope. What, did the people who were in the car take their keys with them? Couldn't they have just hotwired it? Morton looked ahead. "Aw, shoot! It's that rotten idiot Mario again! Why doesn't he just go take a bath or something?"

"I'll handle this." Wendy stood up and called to Madzilla, "Daddy! This Italian stereotype's always stomping on our heads!"

"What!" Madzilla, steamed as a guy like him could get, picked up Mario by his suspenders. "No one stomps on my kids' heads and lives to tell the tale!"

"Your kids?" Mario was miffed. "Listen up, buddy. First of all, those little bastards there aren't your kids. Secondly, I stomp on their heads 'cause they keep doing all sorts of evil crap like this!" But Madzilla refused to listen and instead roared in his face.

"OK, you wanna play rough? I'll play rough too!" Mario took the Fire Flower from out of his pocket and chuckled as he transformed into Fiery Mario. "Boy, it's a good thing I put this Fire Flower into reserve." And he threw a fireball right at Madzilla's, um, crotch.

Madzilla dropped the plumber and hopped about, holding his crotch in pain. "Owie owie owie! That hurts so much!"

Mario stood confidently, bouncing another fireball in his hand. "Yeah, take that, you stupid movie monster. If you honestly believe someone claiming that they're your kids and you don't suspect anything, you deserve a fireball in the crotch."

"Our dad's in trouble!" cried Wendy. "I'll zap Moronio and make him lose his balls!"

"Now hooooold on thar, Kootie Pie!" yelled Morton. "You got to take the last action against him. _I_ should zap him and make him lose his balls!"

"Oooooh! I told you not to call me Kootie Pie!"

"Yeah? Well, Nintendo likes _me_ better! _I'm_ the one who was planned to be in Super Princess Peach!"

"Then why'd you get taken out?"

"Augh! How the hell should _I_ know? But anyway, you know how DiC feels about women's rights!"

"That doesn't matter!" said Wendy. "I'm older than you, so I should have dibs on removing Mario's balls!"

The Koopalings were so busy arguing that they didn't notice Mario sneaking up behind them. By the time they finally noticed them, he was setting fire to their car. The automobile was burnt to a crisp, and the Koopalings were fried like Charizard bait. With that, Mario walked away, dusting his hands. "Well, I guess that takes care of that." But then, he was suddenly squished right under the big foot of Madzilla.

Madzilla sneered as he lowered his foot on the pyromaniac plumber. "How does it feel now that _you've_ been stomped?"

Just then, Miss Information walked by, leading her group of tourists. "Stay together, people," she said through her bullhorn. "To our right is the monstrosity that is Madzilla. This popular movie monster climbed his way into movie screens for the first time in 1933; since then, he's appeared in numerous sequels, including a recent remake directed by Peter Jackson."

"Actually, ma'am," said Madzilla, "that's King Kong you're talking about."

"He's right," Mr. Smartypants spoke up from the tour group. "And as a matter of fact, this monster here is actually a parody of the famous cinematic monster Godzilla, who originated under the name Gojira in 1954, when the first in his long line of movies was released in Japan. He has starred in three different series of films originally produced by the Toho Film Company, the lone exception being an American-made film released in 1998. He was given his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2004, shortly following his 50th birthday."

"OK, darlin', you have it _your_ way." Miss Information rolled her eyes and walked off, with her tour group close behind. "I'm walkin', I'm walkin'..."

Madzilla shrugged and lifted up his foot. To his surprise, he saw Mario standing firmly, but back in his regular form. "Ugh, you reptilian retard!" the plumber yelled. "You robbed me of my Fire Power! Why didn't I take along a Hammer Suit? Or even that Koopa Shell Suit from New Super Mario Bros.?"

"Hey!" Madzilla cried. "How did you survive that?"

"Well, let me just say," Mario answered, "it's a good thing I had that 1-Up Mushroom before I came here."

At this point, Luigi and the others returned. "Uh hey, Mario, I didn't find the Koopas at Disney's Californy 'Venture," Luigi admitted. "In fact, I ended up with a completely different problem altogether."

_"Hi, meestah!" greeted Cho-Cho. "Would you like to subscribe to Kappas Illustrated?"_

_"Uh, no," Luigi declined, "I'm not interested."_

_ "Are you sure? I overheard you mentioning them."_

_ "No no, you don't understand. I'm looking for _Koopas_." Luigi looked down on her. "I don't need a Chinese stereotype like you bothering me with magazine subscriptions regarding a completely different animal."_

_"Well, it looks like _you_ should see who's calling who a stereotype." Cho-Cho turned to face her boyfriend. "Isn't that right, Lucky Bob?"_

_"You are correct, sir!" said Lucky Bob._

"Yeah, and we didn't find 'em at Universal eitha!" said Toad.

"And worse, we forgot to ask if they wanted you to sign copies of 'The Wizard'!" said Peach. "Oh, by the way, who's _this_ ugly reptile?"

"Hey, I recognize him!" answered Luigi. "That's Madzilla! The Godzilla rip-off that Mario and I used to watch on the midnight movie back in Brooklyn!"

"I think I already made that clear to the viewers, Luigi," Mario argued.

"We'd better warn him he's in dangerous company!"

"Too late - he already knows." Mario pointed at the Koopalings, who had by now revived themselves. "And what's worse, I lost my Fire Power!"

"Bummer!" said Luigi.

Just then, Toast popped in from offscreen, saying, "Uh, 'scuse me, player-dude number two, but I believe that's _my _catchphrase. Dig?"

"Whatever." Luigi pushed Toast back offscreen and asked, "So what do we do now?"

"We do what any person in a movie about a giant city-stomping reptile does." Mario turned around and revved up his legs. "We run for our lives!"

"Sounds good to me!" Luigi revved up his legs and followed his brother. Peach and Toad did the same, the latter losing his shoes as he did so.

Morton put his jaw back in place. "Hey, those Mario cowards are getting away!"

"Let's chase 'em down, daddy!" Wendy called. "And show all of 'em what you're made of!"

"If you say so, kids." Madzilla began to stomp after Mario's group, with his two kids following close behind.

"What are we runnin' for, Mario?" Toad asked, his shoes now back on his feet.

"There's only one person who can help us now," Mario replied. "The scientist who invented Super Sushi!"

"Forget it, Mario," said Peach. "That was _last_ season!"

"Well then, we could at least try hiding out in that warehouse that happens to be nearby!" Mario pointed at the warehouse in question.

So the good guys ducked into the nearby warehouse. "Who do those guys think we are, nitwits?" said Morton. "We can easily trap them in there! Right, pop?"

"Yes, son!" Madzilla picked up a parking lot structure next to the warehouse and shook it like a bowl full of Jell-O. Cars fell out and landed right on the warehouse roof like raindrops on a hanging leaf. One of those cars dropped right in front of the warehouse door. Just so we're clear that he trapped the good guys in there.

Morton watched with his arms folded. "With _those_ buttinskis out of the way, Hollywoodland is ours for the taking!"

"Yeah, and we'll be on 'Lifestyles of the Rich and Villainous' for sure! Baha-ha-haaa!" Wendy cackled as the commercial fade-out started.

0-0-0

Later that day (or after the commercial break, depending on how you look at it)...

"Good evening, people! Chit Chatterson here, reporting to you LIVE from Grauman's Chinese Theatre! Tonight, we're witnessing the addition of Wendy O. Koopa and her little brother Morton Koopa Jr. to the many stars and starlettes that have had their names on the Walk of Fame. This is quite monumental, not only because they are reptiles, but also because they are the first-ever video game bosses to receive such an honor. And not only that, they've even achieved this feat _before_ the protagonist of their video games, world-famous gaming icon and Nintendo mascot Super Mario, who has surprisingly never had his own star on the Walk of Fame. And it's even more surprising when you remember that these two only starred in four of his who-knows-how-many games! And also--" But before Chit could go any longer, he was knocked down by a Koopa Shell.

Morton sighed. "I thought he'd never shut up. It's like I just had an out-of-body experience."

Just as Chit had reported, the two shades-sporting Koopalings and Madzilla were now currently in front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre, watching cement pouring in for their personal block. A lot of people were watching them, but none of them looked the least bit surprised at the living, breathing appearance of two video game sub-bosses and one animatronic movie monster. Geez, what is wrong with these people?

"Can you believe it, Morton? Our own stars on the Walk of Fame!" Wendy sighed in a different manner from her little brother.

"Handprints in front of Grauman's, you mean," Madzilla corrected his 'daughter'.

"Whatever," said Wendy. "Either way, it's like those dream-come-trues that Disney's movies used to hype!"

"If only King Step-Dad could see us now... he'd probably beg for forgiveness!" Morton fantasized. "Or at least offer to promote us to near-end bosses. But we'll just laugh in his face and then have Movie Star Daddy squish him like a common Goomba!"

"And so long as we're daydreaming, I'd like a pony," Wendy muttered just as she and Morton put their feet in the freshly-poured concrete. "OK, Dad! It's _your_ turn!"

"I don't know what's got you kids confusing Walk of Fame stars with Grauman's cement blocks, but okay, here I come!" And so Madzilla attempted to set his own foot into the cement, but he tripped and crashed into the pavement below. He immediately got back up and used a lamppost to scrape the wet cement and Koopalings off of his leg. "Sorry about that, kids," he said after he was done with that. "What say we go get us some McDonald's?"

"Nah, they're too unrefined for my taste!" said Wendy. "I say we have Subway."

"OK!" Madzilla stomped a few steps away, and then returned carrying a Subway restaurant. "What'll ya have, kids?"

"I guess we'll both have the Kids' Pack," said Morton. "I'd prefer the Roast Beef kind."

"Not for me!" Wendy corrected. "I'm 16; I'm old enough for the Veggie Delite! Besides, I'm on a diet."

"Gotcha!" Madzilla turned to the guy in the window. "You heard 'em, bud; one Roast Beef Kids' Pack sandwich and one Veggie Delite! And I'll have the Club Sandwich, or at least twelve dozen, considering my size."

After lunch, Madzilla was ready to take a nap, but Morton and Wendy had other plans. "Hey, don't you go to sleep right now, big daddy!" Morton yelled as Madzilla stretched out in front of a building. "We don't want to have to zap you with our wands again!"

"That's right!" added Wendy. "Next, we want to sing a bad song in the Hollywood Bowl! Just like those pop idols on Radio Disney!"

Madzilla lifted himself up and scratched his head. "Boy, raising kids can sure be a real pain!" he muttered to himself. "All right, you want me to bring you over there?"

"No way!" said Morton. "You should go steal the bowl itself and bring it here! It'll be a more interesting scene that way!"

"If you say so, Morton." So Madzilla stomped on over to the Hollywood Bowl. There was a piano recital going on when Madzilla arrived and picked up the structure. The people in the audience, but the piano player continued his session, seemingly unaware of what had just happened. The Godzilla rip-off then placed the bowl-shaped edifice right behind Wendy and Morton. "Hit it, kids!" he yawned.

Literally from out of their shells, Wendy pulled out a microphone and Morton pulled out a guitar, and they began to sing a bad song about how they were apparently going to stomp their names onto the Walk of Fame. It was obviously bad because the people watching were throwing such garbage at them as mushy carrots, mustard packets, fake iPods, broken golf clubs, plastic Mardi Gras cups, Backstreet Boys CDs, PSPs, "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends" DVDs, and RadioShack A/V selectors. Ugh, I'm not gonna bother listening to them; let's just change scenes.

0-0-0

Contrary to what the Koopalings believed at the moment, the Mario group hadn't been crushed to death. In spite of all the cars Madzilla had dumped on its roof, the warehouse ceiling had not caved in, and the good guys were perfectly okay. Sure, they were trapped in a warehouse and unable to stop the bad guys from in there, but they were okay nonetheless.

"We gotta get outta here!" whined Luigi. "Madzilla and those little Koopa a-holes are out there trashing Hollywood, and we can't do a thing to stop 'em!"

"Actually, Luigi," corrected Toad, "from dat previous narration, it sounds more like dey're just annoying people."

"Whatever they're doing, the whole Real World is in danger!" Luigi continued to whine, then stopped to comment, "And there _I_ go again with questioning our existence."

"Hey, this show is still titled 'The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3'!" Mario remarked. "Surely we'll save the day again this week. The question is... how are we gonna do it?"

Just then, Loud Kiddington jumped in and shouted, "_WE'LL_ TELL YOU HOW, BUDDY!" Charity Bazaar, Aka Pella, and Froggo came in right beside him as they started to sing to the tune of "Here We Come A-Caroling".

"_Have we got a good idea for the bunch of you;  
It's under your nose and in front of your eyes too.  
A monster you can make,  
Just as easy as a cake.  
You'll scare off the Koopas and cause them to flee,  
And please get our show on DVD._"

The music to their song was still playing when Mario put a stop to it by screaming, "Wait a minute! HOLD IT! HALT! **TIME OUT! _STOP THE FANFIC!_**"

"Uh-oh..." was all Toad could say. "Looks like Mario's upset."

Mario walked off the set. "I need to speak with the head honcho! Where's that guy writing this spoof?"

"**Tonight, the role of Kacy Shelley will be played by Aaron Carter,**" a mysterious voice echoed as Mario approached the author of this fanfic, which I guess is me.

"Hey Mario," I said to my favorite plumber, "what seems to be the trouble? Are so many people enjoying your cartoon's DVD set that they're forgetting to go buy New Super Mario Bros.? Are you upset that Randy Solem is disappointed with Super Mario Galaxy?"

"No, it's neither of those. I just wanna know, what's with all these 'Histeria!' cameos? I understood the Ninja Turtles' cameo back in the first _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof_, but... The crazy teenager mistaking me for Sonic the Hedgehog? The ditzy tour guide confusing Madzilla with King Kong? These singing kids here? What do _ these_ guys have to do with the situation of this episode?"

"Well, it's like this, Mario baby," I explained. "As you may have noticed, Warner Bros. has recently released the first volumed DVD sets of 'Animaniacs' and 'Pinky and the Brain'. I figure that, by bringing the cast of 'Histeria!' into _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2_, more and more people will head over to sign an online petition of mine that will hopefully convince Warner Bros. to give 'Histeria!' the volumed DVD sets it so richly deserves as well. Capishe?"

"Hmmm. OK, I understand. If it's that important to you..." Mario returned to the set. "OK, guys, we can get back to the action now. But first..." He pushed the Histeria! Kid Chorus in the direction of the exit door. "All right, you young'uns get your little butts back to the Warner studio, arright?"

"What the dilly-o?" said Aka Pella.

"I'm not happy about this," muttered Charity Bazaar.

"WHAT A GROUCH!" shouted Loud Kiddington.

Just as Mario was going back, Froggo poked his head back in and asked, "Uh, wait; do you have a wrench and a RadioShack A/V selector I could borrow?"

"Eh, I do have the former," Mario said as he handed Froggo his wrench, "but I don't have the latter."

"Okay, but don't come cryin' to me when you have problems with one," Froggo said as he followed his friends outside.

Mario shrugged and walked back to his own companions. "The loud kid and his friends are right, though. We need to fight fire with fire! We gotta beat the Koopalings at their own game!"

"Oh, so what you're saying," Luigi responded, "is that we have to find another giant robot monster and trick _him_ into believing he's _our_ dad, and then have him fight Madzilla?"

Mario smacked Luigi in the face with his hat. "No no, Luigi! Look over there!" He pointed to a batch of movie monster heads that the Kid Chorus had been dancing in front of. "This place is crammed with parts of old movie monsters, like this one!" he said, indicating one particular ugly-looking monster head with makeup and a giant-sized Shirley Temple wig.

"Hey, I recognize that monster!" Luigi pointed. "It's the titular character of 'Revenge of Madzilla's Mom'!"

"Exactly, Luigi! Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I think so, Mario," Luigi replied, "but wouldn't a lifetime supply of chocolate be bad for your teeth?"

Mario smacked Luigi with his hat again. "No, my dimly-lit sidekick! We're going to make our own monster out of these parts! One to scare off the Koopa Kids and cause them to flee, just like those kids said. And we'll say it's Madzilla's mom!"

"Great!" Peach hollered. "I just love family reunions!"

"Hey!" Toad objected. "Dat was _my_ line!"

"I know," admitted Peach, "but I haven't said anything in this scene."

With that out of the way, the good guys went to work constructing their own movie monster. About fifteen seconds-- OK, two to five minutes later, they had constructed a monstrosity consisting of the head of Mama Madzilla, the body of a dragon, the arms of a gorilla and a lobster, and the feet of, um, a wolfman. Yeah, let's say a wolfman's feet.

"Well, guys, now that we've constructed our own giant robot," Mario wiped his brow, "there's only one thing to say now - IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!" He and the others pulled out Power Coins as some catchy action music booted up, and they all shouted out for their transformations, one by one. "Red Baron!" shouted Mario.

"Green Lantern!" shouted Luigi.

"Pink Elephant!" shouted Peach.

"Blue Falcon!" shouted Toad.

"Yellow Submarine!" shouted Princess Daisy.

The action music continued as the good guys leaped high into the air. It then slowed down to a halt as Mario landed inside the body of the homemade mech, then looked out the window thingy on the stomach compartment to see his companions still outside of it. "Hey, aren't you guys gonna come with me?"

"Nah, we figure you should handle this yourself," replied Luigi. "We're a bit tired from all that working."

"Yeah, we'll just stay here and play poker," added Toad. "Let us know when ya win."

"Fine, suit yourselves." Mario controlled Mama Madzilla to break through the roof of the warehouse (which she somehow looked too big to fit in), sending the cars that had been sitting up there toppling to the ground below. Am I glad there was no one in those cars. Oh, and he also kicked away the car that was blocking the doorway out. "OK, Mama Madzilla, it's on to the main event!" Mario shouted out. "And I don't mean the WWF!"

As Mama Madzilla stomped away, Peach turned to address her fellow royal maiden. "Say, how did _you_ get here, Daisy?"

"Ah, they just needed a fifth person for that Power Ranger gag," Daisy replied. "Maximus was hard-pressed for that one."

0-0-0

Back with the Koopalings, their song apparently was also boring, because Madzilla had fallen asleep. The Koopalings dug their way out of the trash that had covered them. Wendy looked at her 'dad'. "Oh great! We get booed at, and Dad's asleep!"

"Let me handle this. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!" Morton zapped Madzilla awake with his wand.

Madzilla flinched as he'd just been shocked, and then pretentiously applauded. "Uh, great job, kids! Uh, really great! Encore! Encore! Yeah!" But then the people got mad and threw more mushy carrots, mustard packets, fake iPods, broken golf clubs, plastic Mardi Gras cups, Backstreet Boys CDs, PSPs, "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends" DVDs, and RadioShack A/V selectors in his direction. This made him so mad that he let out a familiar roar and then grabbed some people from off the streets. "You don't wanna cheer for my kids? Fine! You can go cheer for Horatio Felonious Ignatious Crustaceous Sebastian's band at the bottom of the sea!"

But before Madzilla could throw the extras in the direction of the ocean, he heard an even louder roar coming from offscreen, which of course startled him.

Mama Madzilla, which as we know but not the Koopas knew was actually controlled by Mario, came a-stompin' in. "Junior! This is your mother speaking! I demand you to put those people down safely in accordance with the fact that genocide is not needed for this story unless it furthers the plot!"

"You're my mother?" Madzilla was confused again. "How come I don't remember you?"

"Doubtlessly the same reason you believe those two there are your children!" Mama Madzilla barked. "Now you put those people down or I'm-a gonna take away your crayons!"

"Yes, mumsy." Madzilla placed the bystanders back on the ground so they could make a run for it.

"Now hooooold on thar, Dad!" Morton hollered. "Wendy and I are the ones who boss yuh 'round, and dooooon't you forget eet!"

Mama Madzilla looked at the two Koopalings. "So you're my grandkids, eh? Then tell me, just what happened to the lady who done gave birth to ya?"

"I don't really remember what happened to my mate, mom," confessed Madzilla. "Heck, I can't really remember _anything_ before today's events! I must have terrible memory or something..."

Not listening to 'her son', Mama Madzilla barked in the Koopa Kids' direction. "Since I am your father's mother, I rank above him when I give orders, and my first order of the day is that it's time for your nap!"

"Time for our naps?" Wendy was miffed. "We're not taking naps, grammy! We _hate_ naps!"

"Disrespectful little witch!" Mama Madzilla sneered. "You let me finish! In _my_ family, the children must take their naps so they will be well-rested for their chores. And by chores, I mean you will have to clean your rooms, make your beds, feed the dog and cat, wash the dishes, weed the garden, scrub the terrace, clean the chimney, mop the floor, wax the car, buy Easter eggs, buy bread, fix the roof, turn your mattresses, rotate the tires, clean the canary cage, file the records, trim the hedges, shampoo the rugs, fertilize the lawn, hoe the garden, polish the silver, iron your shirts, dust the mantle, clip the coupons, alphabetize the soups, paint the house, match the socks, do 50 push-ups, practice the piano, and see that my cat gets his bath."

"You're crazy!" Morton held his head. "There's no way anybody could accomplish all that in a day unless they were the Flash! Or Speedy Gonzales! Or the Road Runner! Or Soni--" Wendy put her hand over his mouth at this point.

"Oh-ho!" Mama Madzilla blew steam out its nostrils. "Disobedient little back-sassers, aren't we? What have you been teaching these kids, Junior? If you ugly brats don't behave yourselves, I'll turn you into two specimens of the most loathsome creature in existence!"

"Oh no!" Morton gasped in horror. "She's gonna turn us into top-forty disc jockeys!"

In a house somewhere in Muncie, Odie pointed at the television on which he and his feline companion were watching the show. "Yeah, I know, they stole my joke," Garfield replied. "I'll sue them later."

Back in the episode, Wendy sweated. "Morton, I'm starting to think maybe we were better off with Bowser!"

"Yeah!" agreed Morton. "At least when _his_ mama comes to visit, she frustrates him and not us!"

The two Koopa Kids immediately revved up their legs and ran for where they had parked the Doomship, wherever that was. They forgot to pick up the Happy Meal that Bowser Jr. requested, but when they got back, he was too busy making fun of them to care. Wendy and Morton got their sweet revenge on him, though; they went straight back to Darkland without bringing him to Chuck E. Cheese's.

Back where Madzilla was standing, Mario wiped his own brow inside his mech and spoke in his normal voice. "Boy, am I glad that's over!"

Madzilla swung his head around. "Hey! Your voice just changed, mom!"

"Ugh, you can drop the charade now, Madzilla." Mario opened his window so he could reveal himself. "I ain't really your mama. You don't even really have a biological mother."

"Huh?" Once again, Madzilla didn't understand.

At this point, Luigi and the others came running up. Mario immediately noticed them. "Hey, I thought you guys were gonna stay back at the warehouse."

"We were," Luigi admitted, "but the author figured it would be easier for us to come out here for the next scene."

"Yeah," added Toad. "It's easier dis way."

"Hey, I recognize you!" said Madzilla. "You're those guys I trapped in that warehouse earlier. Could you please explain what's been going on?"

"Well, I _am_ the protagonist of this show," said Mario, getting out of his mech. "Allow me."

So Mario sat down on a rocking chair and puffed a pipe as he told Madzilla everything. He told Madzilla who he was, what his life had been like previously, who the Koopas were, how they came and turned him into a non-robotic giant lizard, and about himself. By the end of the spiel, the Jolly Green Giant was starting to get it all in his no-longer metallic head. "So you're saying, I used to be a robot monster featured in low-budget horror movies, but now I'm not?"

"That's right, Madzilla," Mario replied.

"And those kids who turned me into a non-robot are minions of an evil tyrant from _your_ world?"

"Not just minions; they're his kids."

"And _you're_ the world-famous Super Mario, video game icon and mascot of Nintendo?"

"Precisely."

"And after the events of this episode," Luigi added, "they probably won't want you back here!"

"Gee, are you sure?" asked Madzilla. "After that origin storyline you just told me, I thought maybe I could make a deal with Peter Jackson and have him direct a remake of my first film. And maybe cast George Clooney as the star player!"

"Nuh-uh, definitely not." Peach contributed to the conversation. "Instead, we'll give you a new home in the Mushroom World!"

"Yeah, just like in 'Yonggary'!" added Toad. "You'll love it in Giant Land!"

Luigi smacked Toad with his own hat. "It's called Big Island, Toadie!"

"I won't have to put up with any Koopa Kids mistakenly believing me to be their dad _there_, will I?" piqued Madzilla.

"Nope!" said Mario. "The only Koopas there are about as tall as me, and even then, they're as weak as the regular kind!"

"Well then, I guess I'll like it very much!" Madzilla shook Mario's hand. "Thank you, kind sir. Is there anything I can do to repay you?"

"Well, you could go after those idiots who keep vandalizing Wikipedia's article on my Nintendo Power comic serial," Mario requested. "Oh, and that jerk who gave me a zero compared to Sonic! I'm a much cooler superhero than _ that_ porcupine!"

"Consider it done," Madzilla snorted.

"Oh, uh, before we go back home, I just got told dat..." At this point, Toad placed an egg-shaped infant in Mario's hands. "...Big Fat Baby here needs a change."

"Uuugh!" Mario held his nose. "When's the last time this kid had a clean diaper?"

"Remember when ya first appeared in a video game?"

"Yeah, 1981."

"Before dat," answered Toad.

Mario could only respond, "Ugh! Mama-mia!"

Big Fat Baby jumped out of Mario's hands and stumbled backstage, where I was in conversation with the guest stars. "Well, Father Time, thanks again for you and your gang showing up here on _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2_."

"It was our pleasure, Kacy," replied Father Time.

"YOU'RE VERY WELCOME, SIR!" shouted Loud. "AND IF THIS DOESN'T HELP US ON THE ROAD TO DVD, MY DOG FETCH HERE WILL EAT A PAN OF TOFU LASAGNA!"

Fetch the Dog grimaced. "Say _what?_"

"Pffft!" World's Oldest Woman scoffed. "Some guest appearance this was! I didn't get to appear in this!"

Father Time rolled his eyes. "Well, anyway, it was nice of you to put us back in the public eye by way of your fanfic. And who knows? Maybe one day you'll see us again on..."

"Histeria!" said Froggo.

"Histeria," said Charity.

"Histeria!" said Aka.

"HISTERIA!" said Loud.

"Histeria, dude!" said Toast.

"Hi-yo!" said Lucky Bob.

"Histeria!" said Cho-Cho.

"Histeria!" said Miss Information.

"Histeria! Ahahaha!" said Pepper.

"Histeria!" they all said at once.

Then, just as they were leaving, I called out, "Oh, by the way, Loud?"

"YES, SIR?"

"Mario wanted me to tell you - he thinks you and Charity are cute together!" I shouted.

At this point, Loud and Charity realized she had her arm around him. They immediately parted, blushing, all the while Froggo and Aka snickered at them.

"And he says the same thing about you and Aka, Froggo!" I added.

Needless to say, Froggo and Aka stopped snickering and blushed themselves as Loud and Charity giggled at them.

* * *

And so we come to the end... of the first half of this spoof! There's a whole other SMB3 cartoon DVD left to be parodied, and seeing how I've gotten a BitTorrent of the episodes, I shouldn't have any more delays with the second half! And as you can guess, I've become a big fan of "Histeria!" and would love for it to be released on DVD just like "Animaniacs" was. Until then, you can always sign my petition, which is at this address (just remove the spaces and put in the appropriate symbols): http (colon-slash-slash) www (dot) petitiononline (dot) com (slash) histeria (slash) petition (dot) html. And be sure to buy "The Wizard" when it comes out on DVD August 29th!


	7. Kootie Pie Rocks

**Author's Note:** Boo! Did I surprise you? Betcha weren't expecting a new chapter to this so soon after the last one, didja? And I bet you weren't expecting one that I managed to finish in less than one day! I certainly didn't expect to finish this up so soon, but considering that today is the tenth anniversary of the day the Nintendo 64 was released in North America, I figured, why not churn out a new chapter of _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2_? So I did, and all in like six hours! Especially surprising, considering that my BitTorrent download of the series didn't pick up this episode, and thus I had to use the low-quality file at YoshiArt(dot)com for reference. As you may have read on Wikipedia, this episode is apparently proof of how insane Mario's cartoon writers must have been. But I'd better shut up and let you read this now.

* * *

**"Kootie Pie Rocks"**

This episode opened in a rather unusual fashion. What made it unusual was that the title was just superimposed over the first shot of the episode instead of over a world map screenshot. Nevertheless, it was evening in the Mushroom Kingdom, and once the title disappeared, the camera panned down to show the youngest of the original seven Koopalings, Larry Kinglive "Cheatsy" Koopa, climbing a ladder up to a window of Princess Peach's castle. Luckily, it was not for the reason that would come to one's mind when thinking of a guy climbing up to a girl's window.

"Hmmm, I wonder what those pesky Mario Bros. are up to," Larry stated the obvious to himself.

Looking through the window like a peeping tom, Larry could see Toad fitting Mario into a red tuxedo that was the same color as his hat. "Not so tight, ya little runt!" Mario was yelling.

"It ain't my fault, Mario!" Toad, who was wearing a formal version of his usual outfit, grunted. "I wouldn't have dis trouble if ya didn't like eatin' Italian food so much!"

As Mario sucked in his gut, Luigi, also wearing a tuxedo colored like his headgear, walked in. "I don't get it. Whenever the Princess throws one of her fancy shindigs like in Paper Mario, we can come as we are, so why is it, tonight, we have to put on these penguin suits?"

"I really don't know how to answer dat, Luigi," Toad replied, "but if da Princess is gettin' dressed up for whatever it is is goin' on tonight, den we're gonna dress up too!"

At that point, they heard Princess Peach shouting "I'm ready!" from offscreen. They looked up the staircase and saw that Peach was dressed not very Princess-like. She was wearing pink jeans with holes that showed her knees, and a white bootleg sweatshirt. Of course, she was still wearing the royal crown, but the way she was so scantily clad was enough for Toad to do a fall face-first on the floor. She slid down the banister and Mario was quick enough to catch her just as she got to the end. "Say, why are you all dressed up so formally? We're not going to the Fantasia Symphony orchestra."

The Mario Bros. glared at Toad. "Sorry guys," he said. "Even after five previous episodes dat involved it, I _still_ can't figure out da Real World's customs! I also can't figure out why we keep implyin' dat we somehow know we're video game characters!"

Mario rolled his eyes. "Anyway, Peach, remind me again, who're we going to see?"

"Can't you read my shirt?" answered Peach. "We're going to see my favorite Real World band ever - Milli Vanilli!"

"Milli Vanilli? But they're not--" Mario's response was cut short by Luigi slapping his hand over his mouth.

"Quiet, Mario! It's technically 1990; no one knows that yet!" Luigi faced the cameraman and said, "Boy, does _that_ feel good."

Mario uncovered his mouth. "Well, if you wanna see 'em, Princess, that's fine and dandy, but why do you have to drag _us_ along?"

"Because I'm visiting the Real World," Peach explained, "but I'm wary. There's a guy out there who calls himself Sigurd, and he seems to be under the impression that I'm a real person. And what's worse, I think he wants to rape me! Therefore, I need you to be my bodyguard," she directly addressed Mario, "like always."

Toad glared. "So what does dat make _me?_ Chopped fungus?"

"Uh, how exactly are we supposed to _get_ to this concert, Princess?" Luigi asked. "I don't think there are really any warp pipes leading from here to New York City. And how'd you get the tickets to the concert anyway?"

"Shut up, Luigi!" said Peach. "The writer doesn't care about answering those questions!"

Outside, Larry was a bit surprised. "What are they talking about? 'Milli Vanilli concert'? Maybe Kootie Pie will know!"

Just then, Toadsworth, who was tending to the royal garden by clipping the hedges, cut the base of the ladder Larry was standing on, and he fell right onto the ground below. As soon as he recovered, Larry snuck off back to Darkland.

0-0-0

Upon his return to Bowser's castle, Larry immediately found Koot--I mean, Wendy and asked her if she knew anything about this Milli Vanilli concert that he had heard the good guys discussing. But instead of getting an answer, what Larry did was cause his only sister to start throwing things out the window, just like at her birthday party, and yelling unintelligible gibberish.

Bowser happened to walk in as this was going on, considering that it was his throne room in which this incident was happening. "Hmph, I might've known you were behind this racket, Kootie Pie," he said.

"DON'T CALL ME KOOTIE PIE!" Wendy screamed.

Bowser scowled at Larry. "Cheeeeatsyyyy! I suppose _you_ have a good explanation for why she has interrupted my viewing of my illegally-burned DVD of 'Superman Returns'!"

"It wasn't my fault, King Dad!" Larry _really_ didn't want his dad to hit him. "All I did was tell her that I overheard the good guys talking about a Milli Vanilli concert or something like that, and then BOOM! Please don't hurt me, dad!"

"Wait, you're telling me the good guys are going to a concert?" Bowser responded.

"Yes, King Daddyins!" whined Wendy. "Why does that prissy Princess Peach pet--I mean, get to go to a Real World concert, and not me? Aren't you always telling us that you are the most powerful king there ever was, and I am your favorite, only daughter, hmm?"

"Actually, Koo--er, Wendy, I've never really actually said that, not even when it seemed like I was. At least not the first part, although technically the second part is true since you _are_ my only dau--OH HOLY CRAP! NOT MY THRONE!" Bowser dove out of the way of his throne as Wendy threw it with her bare freakin' hands. He ended up bumping his head on a nearby suit of armor that he had placed there for no apparent reason. "Oww! Why did I keep this around?"

"Don't you _dare_ try to get on my good side!" Wendy barked.

"But he wasn't doing that, Wendy," said Larry, not noticing that his head had turned orange again.

"I don't care what he was doing!" Wendy pitched a fit. "I wanna see Milli Vanilli! I WANNA, I WANNA, _I WANNA!_"

_Looks like there's only one way I can get her to stop this..._ Bowser thought before speaking aloud. "Yes, babycakes, not only will you get to _see_ Silly Thawilly..."

"Milli Vanilli!" Wendy corrected.

"...But you'll get to _keep_ Billy Danilly for your very own!"

"_MILLI VANILLI!_" Wendy and Larry corrected in unison, nearly breaking King Koopa's eardrums.

"Wait," Wendy said by herself, "did you just say I could _keep_ Milli Vanilli?"

"Yes I did!" said Bowser. "Despite the fact that you blamed me for your loss at taking over America, screwed up trying to distract the Marios from my oil-stealing scheme, stole the Plotdevice Wand from me, _and_ tried to run away, I'm going to kidnap this Villy Manilli for you!"

"Oh thank you so much, daddykins!" Wendy pranced about. "You're too cool! I better go change. And it's Milli Vanilli!"

"You sure know how to cool her off, King Daddykums!" said Larry once his sister had skipped away. "Good luck with the kidnapping!"

Bowser pulled Larry up to him. "Oh no, I'm not goin' by myself! _You're_ comin' with me!"

"Wait, why do _I_ have to come along?" Larry complained. "I don't know where the good guys are headed! Can't you take B.J. along instead?"

"Shut up, Cheatsy," Bowser replied, "and go fire up the Doomship!"

0-0-0

Soon, at an amphitheatre in New York City, the concert in question was about to start. A big flashy sign-thingy was flashing "Now Presenting Milli Vanilli" as Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan walked up on stage. None of the screaming fangirls, not even Peach, paid any attention to what appeared to be the backup singers. She was in the audience with her friends, still clad in the tuxedos they had mistakenly put on.

"Hellllllllllllllloooooooooo, New York!" Rob and Fab screeched, with the latter tossing a rose into the crowd. Peach was able to catch it and place it in her hand.

Amidst the screaming, Mario had to shout to his brother, "I'd hate to see the look on these girls' faces when they find out these guys' terrible secret!"

With that, Milli Vanilli began to sing the song "Blame It on the Rain". Or rather, the "backup singers" began to sing "Blame It on the Rain", and Rob and Fab began to lip-sync to it. Likewise, none of the fangirls noticed this. Of course, Mario and Luigi were well aware of this, but since this episode was airing in 1990, they wouldn't tell anyone.

"I don't understand it," critiqued Mario. "These guys can't even really sing, yet they're getting more applause than us every time we rescue the Princess or save the Stars or whatever!"

"Ah, what can ya do?" Luigi had nothing to add.

What they _weren't_ aware of, though, was that the Doomship was hovering right overhead. Up in the cockpit, Larry pointed out, "This must be the place, King Dad! There's a big sign that says this is the Milli Vanilli concert!"

"Excellent! This should be a short kidnapping." Bowser turned to the microphone and bellowed, "_Aandacht Tillie Supilli! Ik ga u nu ontvoeren!_"

Larry looked at his dad oddly. "What did you say?"

"Sorry, my audio was set on Dutch language. Ahem." Bowser cleared his throat and spoke into the microphone again. "Attention Tillie Supilli! I am going to kidnap you now!"

"_Milli Vanilli,_" Larry corrected.

Somehow, nobody had heard Bowser's announcement, so this allowed for him to pull a lever that sent a tractor beam right at the platform Milli Vanilli's "main singers" were standing on. Rob was about to touch an unnamed fangirl's hand when the platform began to levitate, and she had to climb up on Mario's head in order to reach his hand. Just when her finger came into contact with his, all she got was an electrical shock, and she fell right into Mario's arms. "Oh, I'll never wash my hand again!" she swooned.

Mario grimaced and tossed the girl back to her also-unnamed boyfriend, who had a rather feminine appearance. "Man, it's a good thing Peach didn't see me right there!"

Just then, Rob and Fab vanished from the platform, much to the shock of everyone in the audience. Even the real singers of the song gasped in astonishment. Down in the audience, Peach remarked, "See, didn't I tell you they were a great band? Name one other band that can make an exit like that!"

But then Bowser let out his trademark cackle. "Mwahahahaha! I have kidnapped Willy Kapilly, and the United States Government can't stop me 'cause I have diplomatic immunity!"

"_Milli Vanilli!_" Larry corrected.

Somehow, even though he wasn't speaking into his microphone that time, everybody heard him below. "Oh no, it can't be!" cried the Princess.

"There's only one sneaky, two-faced reptile who laughs like that!" Mario deduced.

"You're right!" said Luigi. "Tatanga has kidnapped Milli Vanilli!"

Mario smacked Luigi with the rose from Peach's hair. "No, Luigi! That's King Koopa's Doomship! Not Tatanga's warship! That guy's not even _in_ this cartoon for some reason!"

"Wait, Bowser's here?" said Toad. "How the heck did he follow us here?"

"However he did that, we gotta spring into action!" said Peach. "Milli Vanilli's been Koopnapped!"

"OK, seriously," criticized Toad, "dat pun just plain sucks. It would make a lot more sense if it a Koopa were da kidnappee, and not da kidnapper."

"Despite the fact that they clearly deserve to be kidnapped for posing as something they're not, we might as well get our behinds to Castle Koopa and save them, because we're the heroes, and Bowser is the bad person." Ignoring Toad's critique, Mario turned to the viewers and annoucned, "But first, here's some scenes from the next Legend of Zelda!"

"Uh, we don't do that anymore now that we're on Saturday mornings, Mario," Luigi interrupted.

"Oh, you're no fun anymore," was all Mario could reply.

0-0-0

A few minutes (or one scene-switch) later, the Doomship had parked itself right on top of Bowser's castle as the Koopa King himself was bringing out his latest hostages. "Welcome to Castle Koopa, Milli Vanilli!" Larry announced. "We trust you enjoy your stay here! 'X-Play' gave us a 4... out of 5."

"Silence, Cheatsy!" Bowser muttered. "I've already used that joke."

"Look, ve vere in de middle of a concert, dude," Rob said in an emotionless manner.

"Yeah, vhy on Earth did you abduct us? Who are you anyvay?" Fab was just as emotionless.

"Funny," said Bowser, "every time we come in contact with someone from your planet, we always get that question in spite of how popular the things we come from are around there. But anyway, I, King Bowser Koopa, tyrannical turtle-dragon hybrid and chief villain of the Super Mario franchise, have kidnapped you so that you can sing for my first and only daughter, Wendy O. Koopa."

"You brought us here because your daughter vants to hear us sing?" Rob was speechless.

"Heck, if dat's all you vanted," reasoned Fab, "you could've just _brought_ her to our concert!"

"Oh, but I'm afraid it's more complex than that!" Bowser. "My daughter wants you, Killy McGilly..."

"We're _Milli Vanilli,_" the duo corrected.

"Whatever. My daughter wants you because you're provocative and fascinating. That's two great things; not one great thing and an okay thing or one good thing and a so-so thing, it's _two_ great things! Also, as any Nintendo fanboy can tell you, kidnapping is a specialty of mine, so what better way to have my daughter witness your talents, Jilly McDilly, than by kidnapping you!"

"_Milli Vanilli._"

"Whatever. Ah, here comes my daughter now!"

Wendy stepped into the room, wearing a green skirt. She seemed to think this made her look sexy, never mind the fact that she usually didn't wear any clothes at all. "Ah, Milli Vanilli! I've been expecting you!"

"_This_ is your daughter?" Now Fab was speechless.

"She doesn't look much like you," said Rob.

"I know that," Bowser said to himself before turning to Wendy. "Enjoy listening to Quilly Ozilly, Kootie Pie..."

"Their name is _Milli Vanilli,_" Wendy corrected. "And don't call me Kootie Pie!"

"Whatever. Enjoy them, foul-mouthed daughter of mine. I'm gonna go finish watching my illegally-burned DVD of 'Superman Returns'." With that, Bowser left the room.

"Mind if I join you, King Dad?" Larry requested.

"You can if you want, Cheatsy," the Koopa King replied, "but mind you, Kooky already gets to sit next to me since he made the popcorn."

As soon as her dad and her second-littlest bro were gone, Wendy commanded to her captives. "All right, Milli Vanilli! You're gonna sing for _me_ now! Especially _you_, Rob!" She fiddled with his hair. "I think you're the sexier of the two."

"Uh, vell, I don't think _you're_ sexy at all!" Rob pushed her back.

Wendy was getting mad. "I'll have you know that I am a _royal_ reptile! Obviously, you should've gathered that from the fact that my dad's the King around here. And I demand you to play a private concert for me by the time I count three!"

"Look, kid, ve got a confession to make," Fab admitted. "Ve can't really sing."

"_Ja!_" Rob confessed, "Ve're just a lip-syncing duo fronting for _real_ musicians!"

"Sorry, that's not a good enough excuse! Now I shall have to turn you into accountants!" And with that, she pulled out her wand and zapped Milli Vanilli with it. Instantly, their threads turned into business suits, and their hairstyles changed as well.

"Hey! Dat's not funny!" cried Fab.

"_You're_ not supposed to find it funny; _I'm_ supposed to find it funny!" Wendy cackled.

"Then since you've had _your_ laugh, you turn us back into normal people now!"

At this point, the Sledge Bros. came in, apparently because they were supposed to prevent Milli Vanilli from escaping. "You guys were _normal_ before this?" said Sledge Brother #1.

"Never!" Wendy gloated. "You work for _me_ now! And don't think of escaping..."

"I think maybe _that_ was our cue," Sledge Brother #2 pointed out to his companion.

"...'cause you're stuck here _forever!_ Just like Snoop Doggy Dog in that breath mint commercial that makes old ladies look evil! Now then, maybe if you get out of line anymore, I'll turn you into, say, Buzzy Beetles!"

"Great, who vants to be a band from the 60s with a crazy adjective tacked on?" said Fab.

"Better yet, I'll turn you into Ptooies!" Wendy considered.

"Hmm, never heard of dem!" commented Rob. "Do zey have an album?"

"Or maybe I'll turn you into Goombas!" Wendy grinned.

"Didn't _dose_ guys do a covah for a song by Vas Not Vas vunce?" Fab asked his partner.

"_Ja_, I think it vas ze redeeming point of some crappy summah blahckbustah from 1993!" replied Rob.

"Hey, are you two going to sing for me or not?" Wendy wanted to know.

"Ve already told you, Ms. Koopa-reptile-person," answered Rob, "_ve can't sing!_ We only lip-sync for actual singahs!"

"And even if ve _could_ sing," added Fab, "ve don't even have ze backup band! How do you expect us to do a concert vitout a backup band?"

"I don't know how to answer that," said Wendy, "but until then, you're gonna be accountants and you're gonna like it! And if you don't, I'll melt you down... _MY_ WAY!"

None of them had noticed that Mario and his gang were spying on them through a nearby window. Over the course of their chasing after the Doomship, the Mario Bros. and Toad had taken the time to change back into their regular outfits, but Peach was still wearing her fangirl clothes.

"So that's why Koopa kidnapped Milli Vanilli!" said Mario. "Kootie Pie wants them as her sex slaves!"

"Good t'ing too!" added Toad. "I was afraid he'd taken a homosexual interest in 'em!"

"If we don't change those two sex slaves back to Milli Vanilli, I'll never be able to hear my favorite music again!" Peach was almost in tears.

"Hey, it's not that big a deal if you never hear these guys 'singing' again, Princess," said Mario, "but if it really matters that much to you, then yes, we'll get in there save Rob and Fab from Kootie Pie!"

"But how are we gonna do that?" asked Luigi.

"How are we gonna do that?" Mario looked at the camera. "'How are we gonna do that?' he says." Turning back to his group, Mario declared, "Didn't you just hear what Fab said? They need a backup band in order to give Bowser's bitchy little brat her concert! Ipso ergo, we should sneak in disguised as a backup group! Are there any questions?"

"I have one! If the Cheetos recipe was stolen, how was Frito-Lay still able to ship 'em out to the stores that sell 'em?" Luigi asked.

Mario sighed. "Are there any _relevant_ questions?"

"Yeah! What exactly are we standin' on?" inquired Toad.

"Uh..." Before Mario could find a retort to that, they all realized they weren't standing on anything and plummeted to the ground below. Luckily, it wasn't a very steep drop, so they still had some health in their life meters when they landed.

0-0-0

A few minutes later, Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Peach came out of a warp pipe that Bowser had installed inside his castle for no apparent reason. They were all wearing clichéd rock star disguises, and that _was_ for a reason. "Bowser sure is stupid!" Mario commented. "What idiot would put that in his house? It's practically an open doorway for insurance salesmen!"

"I don't care how we get into Bowser's house," muttered Luigi. "I just wish we had been given time to rehearse!"

"What good would dat do? We're only allowed eleven minutes an episode!" Toad bit. "And besides, none of us knows how to play dese tings!"

"Well, Rob and Fab don't know how to really sing either, so what difference does it make?" said Mario. "Now let's go find Bowser's throne room!"

Over in the throne room, Wendy was _still_ trying to get Milli Vanilli to sing for her, or at least sing as well as they could. "Are you stalling? 'Cause in the time we've been arguing like this, I could be watching that illegal DVD with King Daddyins right now!"

"Ve're not stalling, little gahl!" said Rob.

"Ve already told you," said Fab, "ve can't sing! Even if ve _do_ have backup!"

Wendy started pouting on the floor again. "KING DAD! This duo you brought me is a disgrace to rock and roll! They claim they can't sing!"

It was at this point that Mario and company came in. "Who are _zose_ guys?" Rob whispered.

"Ze chick looks weirdly familyah," commented Fab.

"I should!" Peach whispered. "I'm your greatest fan! And we're here to help you!"

"Haven't ve seen you in video games, shorty?" Rob asked Mario.

"Shhhhh!" Mario shushed, and then spoke aloud to Wendy. "Excuse us! We're the famous traveling band Backups R We! We, uh, just happened to come into this castle. Is there anyone here who needs our services?"

Wendy stopped pouting and looked at the quartet whom she failed to recognize. "Wow, my tantrums must really work! I didn't even _see_ King Dad come in to speak with me!"

"'Backups R We'?" Luigi whispered. "Is that the best you could do?"

"Well, new names are hard to think up!" Mario whispered back. "Besides, we don't really need to worry about copyright infringement since _their_ 'R' is written backwards."

"At last I shall have my personal concert!" Wendy pranced like a pixie.

"But who shall we sing backup for?" Peach said aloud. "These two accountant blokes here?"

"Those are no accountants, lady! That's Milli Vanilli! And to avoid a lengthy exchange of contradictions, I shall change them back to their normal form right now!" Wendy zapped Fab and Rob again, this time changing them back from accountants to the pseudo-band they were. "See?"

Mario stepped in front of Milli Vanilli. "So then, what would you 'fellow maestros' like for us to 'provide backup vocals' for you to sing to?"

"Um, how about 'Girl You Know It's True'?" Fab recommened.

"_Ja_, ve make beeg bucks offa dat one!" agreed Rob.

"OK, here goes!" Mario strummed his bass guitar, and he, along with Luigi on treble, Toad on drums, and Peach on backup vocal, began to perform a really off-key version of "Girl You Know It's True". Seriously, they was doing so badly that Rob and Fab couldn't even bring themselves to sync their lip movements to the lyrics. Instead, they just covered their ears.

Wendy, however, didn't seem to notice. Instead, she danced about and snapped her fingers to the tune. "Wow, groovy! No wonder you guys are so famous!" she said, not seeing that Rob and Fab weren't really singing.

Mario grinned, then eyed Toad and said, "Great! She's distracted! Now it's time for me to initiate the attack!"

"Attack? No, Mario!" Toad nitpicked. "That would blow our cover! She'll zap those floating rings around us for sure!"

"Oh no she won't... not as long as I have _this!_" Mario held his guitar in the air and stuck a sexy anime pose in doing so. A computer screen of some sort suddenly appeared around the guitar as a computerized narration of some sort made this announcement:

"**Kids Next Door G.E.E.T.A.R.**

**Greatly  
Eliminate  
Enemies  
To  
Achieve  
Ratings.**"

Luigi was weirded out at what he had just seen. "Did that make sense to you, Toadie?"

"_KATAANG!_" Mario hollered, and then he proceeded to smash the G.E.E.T.A.R. over Wendy's head.

"Ooooh... that smarts..." Wendy murmured before dropping unconscious.

Mario took off his sunglasses. "There! That should take care of her."

At that point, Bowser marched into the throne room, shouting "Stop that awful noise! I don't care if you _do_ like Illy Kachilly, I can't watch my illegal 'Superman Returns' DVD without this junk you call music shaking up the castle, Kootie Pie!" But then he saw that his daughter was out cold and noticed Mario standing there. "Ah, Mario! I should've figured you'd be the one to come and save Nilly Shadilly from me."

"Save the speech, Koopa," said Mario. "And it's _Milli Vanilli,_ not that I care about 'em. Now if you'll excuse my allies and me, we're gonna bring these so-called singers back to their Real World concert."

"Well, go ahead then!" said Bowser.

Mario was shocked. "Wait. You're actually letting us go through with foiling your latest plan?"

"Hey, I didn't plan to bring Crilly Scapilli here..."

"_Milli Vanilli._"

"Whatever their name is, I just wanted to sit down this evening and watch an illegally-burned DVD. Is that so much to ask? But noooo, my whiny prick of a daughter makes me go and capture some Real World music band I can't even remember the name of, and then when I do that, I end up hearing an awful cover of an existing song followed by Hanna-Barbera's 'Kabong' sound effect. And so, I make this request..." At this point, Bowser got down on his knees. "Please, Mario, please please _please_, get that lousy music band out of my castle! I would much rather hear Kootie Pie whining again than have to listen to those amateurs she calls hot!"

"Well, this animation company does have that belief that bad guys should always get punished, and you're clearly evil. But I don't blame you for wanting Milli Vanilli out of your house. Peach wouldn't like it if I told her, but I happen to know that they really just lip-sync rather than actually sing. And besides, you _did_ help me to save the world in Super Mario RPG, so... okay!"

"Oh, thank you so much, Mario!" Bowser kissed the tips of his nemesis's shoes. "You truly are a champ among heroes! And since you were so kind to me, I promise that next time I kidnap the Princess, I will lighten up on the sub-bosses, and I will not breathe fire when you confront me. Trust me on that. I may tell a lot of lies, but that promise isn't one."

"Okey-dokey." Mario shook hands with Bowser and then walked back to his group. "C'mon guys, let's get Milli Vanilli back to their Real World concert! Bowser agreed to let them go."

"Really? Dat's so unlike him!" commented Toad.

"Yeah!" added Luigi. "It's practically out of character!"

"Why would he want to release prisoners?" asked Peach.

"Well... let's just say that he and I finally found something we agree on," answered Mario. "Oh, and one more thing. The Cheetos recipe was never stolen, Luigi. It was just an advertising promotion."

So, to make a long story short, the Mario group successfully returned Milli Vanilli to the concert they were performing in New York City. Rob and Fab were so grateful to their rescuers that they allowed them backstage access during the concert. There, Mario, Luigi, and Toad could see the equipment that was playing the song that Rob and Fab were supposedly singing. Peach didn't notice, though; she was too busy staring at Milli Vanilli and clapping like a drunk seal. But then Milli Vanilli's equipment malfunctioned, exposing them as the frauds they truly were. All of the fangirls were gravely disappointed, especially Peach, who returned to the Mushroom Kingdom in the second-most depressing funk she had ever been in. But Mario made it up to her the next day by taking her to the Six Flags amusement park in Jewelry Land. They had a wonderful time, and that evening, they went stargazing at Shooting Star Summit. A week later, Bowser kidnapped Peach again, but as he told Mario, he kept his word on the promise he made. Mario only had to fight Bowser Jr., Petey Piranha, and Kamek on his way over, and sure enough, when he finally reached Bowser, the Koopa King held back on breathing any fire at the plumber. Needless to say, Mario rescued Peach once again, and they celebrated this rescue by joining Luigi and Daisy for a double-date at Six Flags Jewelry Land the following day.

0-0-0

Meanwhile, at the Kids Next Door treehouse...

Nigel Uno, also known as Kids Next Door operative Numbuh One, walked up to his second-in-command. "Numbuh Five, have you seen the G.E.E.T.A.R. anywhere? I've looked all over the treehouse for it."

"Oh, some plumber came here to steal it earlier today," Abigail Lincoln, alias Kids Next Door operative Numbuh Five, answered, "and Numbuh Five had to fight him off. I gotta tell ya, he put up quite a fight, especially considering his weight."

"Yes, that's good and all," Numbuh One inquired, "but could you please tell me where the G.E.E.T.A.R. is?"

"Numbuh Five toldja, the fat plumber came and took it!"

"You _let_ him take it?" Numbuh One was appalled.

"Didn't I just say he put up quite a fight? Numbuh Five had no choice!" Numbuh Five confessed.

"Well, that's just great, Numbuh Five, just bloody great. What if those demonic cousins of mine send out some kind of assassin whose only weakness is being hit on the head by guitars? We'd be defenseless!"

"Hey, it's not like we _asked_ to fight against the so-called 'tyranny of adults'! We only do this stuff 'cause Cartoon Network pays us to."

"You know, you're right! This whole idea never did seem very realistic to me. I mean, aren't teenagers supposed to be even more rebellious against adults in real life? And I don't know why I even go out with Lizzie anymore. She's overprotective, her screech is starting to make my ears bleed, and word on the street is, she's not very attractive."

"Ugh, Numbuh Five doesn't blame ya for _ that._"

"And I also worry, are we even getting good enough ratings to justify that we continue doing this? We used to be this network's most popular show, but then, bam! We're suddenly ousted by that unfunny trash-fest they call 'Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends'."

"Oh, Numbuh Five totally agrees with you there, Numbuh One. That show ain't funny at all. And don't even get me started on that irritating Fred Fredburger on 'Billy and Mandy', or the gags they're using in those new commercial bumpers that end with his catchphrase. We are definitely better than those guys."

"Yeah, we are definitely better than those guys..." Numbuh One stared, becoming lovestruck with the way Numbuh Five was looking at him. "...Y-you wanna make out?"

Numbuh Five threw her arms around Numbuh One's shoulders and pressed her lips against his. "You betcha, loverboy!"

So for the next hour or so, Nigel Uno and Abigail Lincoln rolled about on the floor, kissing each other like there was no tomorrow. While they were doing that, the Toilenator snuck in and clogged all the toilets in the treehouse, and the other three operatives had to fight them off without the help of their leader or their second-in-command, but _that's_ a whole other story.

* * *

Geez, why do I keep referencing "Codename: Kids Next Door" in this fanfic? But at least I was able to sneak a brief bit of Nigel/Abby fluff into my fanfics. I can't help it if they look so cute together! And lemmie give a shout-out to fellow Mario/Peach fan CheesyPasta78 - that joke at the expense of Sigurd was for you! 


	8. The Ugly Mermaid

**Author's Note:** Sorry for those you who might end up being disappointed with this, but I feel that "The Ugly Mermaid" is perhaps the stupidest episode of any Nintendo-based cartoon. For one thing, a more accurate title would be "The Ugly and Stupid Ladyfish". Firstly, a mermaid is a woman is with a fish tail, or at least that's what I've learned from "The Little Mermaid". But Holly Mackeral, along with the other citizens of Mertropolis, is a fish with human legs. Secondly, where did Mario's sudden aquaphobia come from? Thirdly, why would fish-people live in an air-filled Atlantis-like dome? It makes no sense, and neither does them panicking when Bowser "floods" the place! And finally, the subplot with Holly was done before - to be more exact, in the first season's "Love 'Em and Leave 'Em", except that one was surprisingly preferable by comparison, because there Queen Rotunda was under the effects of a love potion. Holly, on the other hand, is just too stupid to tell the difference between a real frog and a man dressed as a frog. Not to mention that Bowser already attempted to take over an underwater kingdom in "Mario of the Deep". It's sheer proof that DiC hired a staff with no brains. This episode isn't even fun to do a parody of. I oughta just skip it and go straight on to the next episode, but that would mean throwing this fanfic into incompleteness, so I guess we'll just have to see if I could mangle something that's already pretty messed up.

* * *

**"The Ugly Mermaid"**

"**Aaaaahh... the beautiful sea. Today we find a zhigantic red sea serpent casting its shadow over... Hmmm, the camera's running a bit choppy today. Wait a second, this isn't Bikini Bottom!**"

"Aw, shut yer trap, pal!" King Bowser Koopa shouted as he cut off the French Narrator's music. "You're on the wrong show! Now if you'll excuse me, I have an underwater kingdom to take over! Ahem... Bahahahahaha! This is Koopariffic! I can do even more bad in my Doomsub than in my Doomship!"

The Doomsub, as Bowser called it, looked indeed like a gigantic red sea serpent, except it was a submarine. Obviously, it was not the same submarine seen in Super Mario 64, but tell me, given that this show came out six years before the Nintendo 64, did you honestly expect that? Actually, it kinda looked a lot like Serpentera with a red paint job. You know, Lord Zedd's personal Zord from "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers"? Granted, I don't recall ever actually seeing Serpentera in action, but it must've been one kick-ass vehicle. I mean, seriously, the Rangers couldn't put a dent in that thing! They even made a good-guy version to counterattack Serpentera, and they _still_ couldn't defeat it! It's too bad Zedd couldn't bother to find a better battery source for that thing; he could've easily crushed the Rangers and put an end to their stupid show before it could go on longer than it needed to and ruinate Toon Disney. I mean, it's bad enough they had to start putting new shows on it, but airing a program that's not even animated? What in God's name are they--

"You shut up too, Narrator!" Bowser cried out. "I don't need you commenting on my submersible!"

Sorry about that.

Accompanying King Koopa as always was his favorite of his eight kids, Bowser Jr. "So what are we going to do today, Papa?" he asked. "This is the first time I've ever seen this Doomsub thingy in action. Are we going to contaminate the Mushroom Kingdom's water supply?"

"No way, Princie! We're going to take over a submerged city that isn't mentioned in any of the games!" Bowser cackled as an Atlantis-like domed city came up over the horizon. "Soon the underwater kingdom of Mertropolis will be Kooptropolis!" he said, his mouth barely moving.

On the other side of the room, the twin Koopa Kids Iggy and Lemmy were looking out the back window. From there, they could see the Mario Bros., Toad, and Princess Peach, giving chase after them. Since they were underwater, they were all wearing Frog Suits. Lemmy turned to speak to his dad. "There's just one problem, King Dad! Those pesky Mario Bros. are right on our tail!" he reported, forgetting to pay any attention to the Princess or her servant.

"Uh, yeah, what he said!" Iggy added, miffed that he didn't get to finish his brother's sentence this time.

"_WHAT?!?_" Bowser practically turned into a steam whistle. "How the hell did they ever find out what I'm up to?!?"

_The previous night, at the End Bosses' Tavern..._

_"Tomor-hic!-row, I plan to in-hic!-vade and take over the underwater king-hic!-dom of Mertrop-hic!-olis!" Bowser, drunk from an insane amount of Wily Beer, babbled in front of what appeared to be a rather sickly-looking Shang Tsung._

_"Yesss... tell me more about this plan of yours," requested the midget hidden under the Shang Tsung disguise._

_"I will be us-hic!-ing my newly com-hic!-pleted device made espec-hic!-ially for underwater tra-hic!-vel," Bowser continued. "I call it, the Doom-hic!-sub!"_

_At that point, Dr. Neo Cortex walked by, saying, "Sheesh, Bowser! You look like you need a rest. You too, Shang."_

"Well, however they found out, I'm not gonna sit here and let them foil my plans again!" Bowser picked up his microphone and called out, "Rocky Wrenches! To your battle stations! Those damn Mario Bros. are on my tail again! Kill, injure, or capture them, or else you get no dessert tonight!"

Upon hearing their leader's announcement, the Rocky Wrenches dropped their copies of _Wrench Lovers Monthly_ and headed for their deployment holes. "He could at least learn to say 'please'," the head Rocky Wrench commented on the way.

Outside the Doomsub, not far behind, the Mario Bros., wearing Frog Suits, were indeed giving chase. Oh, and Peach and Toad were tagging along with them. They were tagging along 'cause they had nothing better to do that day. I mean, it was clearly obvious that they weren't going to do anything useful, but it was either this, or watch Cartoon Network's latest excuse to show "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends" too many times, and they obviously didn't want to see that, so they decided this was better.

"Stroke! Stroke!" Mario called out, as if giving exercise instructions.

"Remind me again," said Toad, "what have we come down here for?"

"Bowser's going to take over the underwater kingdom of Mertropolis!" Mario stopped shouting out for strokes long enough to explain. "Naturally, we're going to stop him!"

"We must remember to thank Deep T. for telling us about this!" Luigi smiled.

Peach looked surprised. "Haven't we done this before?"

"We probably have, Princess," Luigi answered. "Maybe this is a rerun."

"No, I think it's more like the plan that King Koopa's attempting this episode, which is to take over a submerged city that isn't mentioned in any of the games, is something he already tried and failed at during last season!"

"Then I guess maybe the writers have run out of ideas," added Mario. At that point, he noticed the Rocky Wrenches sticking their heads out from under the Doomsub, tossing wrenches their way. "But enough déjà vu talk! What say we throw a wrench into the works, Luigi?"

Luigi faced the others. "Now how did I know he was going to say that?"

The Mario Bros. each caught a wrench. Over in the Doomsub, the Rocky Wrenches looked stupefied. "Oh nuts!" said one of them. "Now they probably know how to use 'em against us! Duck back in!" And they immediately did so.

"Hey Koopa!" Luigi called. "Do you have any idea how repetitive your plans are getting? I'm starting to get this show confused with the later seasons of 'Pokémon'!"

The Mario Bros. threw the wrenches right at the Doomsub's propellers and hit them dead on. Immediately, the submarine began to spin out of control. Inside the driving room place thingy, Bowser and the three accompanying kids of his tumbled around.

"No! I can't let them foil my plans now! Not when it's so early in the episode!" Bowser screamed. Bowser Jr. and the Koopaling Twins had just about finished bumping heads when he finally regained control. "It's time to activate the Encase-Something-In-A-Block-Of-Cement-Causing-Them-To-Sink-To-The-Bottom-Of-The-Ocean Lasers!"

Bowser Jr. shook his head back in shape. "Lemmie guess. You couldn't get any Turn-Something-Into-A-Piece-Of-Chocolate-Chip-Pizza-Topped-With-Vanilla-Pudding-And-A-Strawberry-On-Top Lasers?"

The Doomsub began to fire the so-called Encase-Something-In-A-Block-Of-Cement-Causing-Them-To-Sink-To-The-Bottom-Of-The-Ocean Lasers all over. "Uh-oh..." said Toad once he saw the lasers coming out. "I'm beginnin' to t'ink Koopa-Stoopa ain't actually repeatin' himself!"

"Actually, Toadie, I have this nagging feeling the writer is reusing _two_ previously-done plots this week!" Mario hid behind a few blocks and watched as they were hit by the lasers and sunk. "I don't know what those things do, but it looks like they're made to encase something in a block of cement causing them to sink to the bottom of--OH NO!! PRINCESS!!"

One of the lasers was heading straight for Peach, and Mario knew that if he didn't do something fast, she would soon lose a life. So, being the gallant knight without the shining armor that he was, he unselfishly put himself between his beloved Princess and the laser that was about to hit her. He shut his eyes immediately on the impact of the laser hitting him and encasing him in a block of cement.

"Auggh! Now _I'm_ encased in a block of cement and going to sink to the bottom of the ocean!" Mario cried as he began to sink. "And even worse, I somehow can't breathe in spite of the fact that I had no trouble breathing underwater previously! But at least I died protecting the woman I looooooooooooooooooooooooooo--" His voice trailed off as he disappeared below sea level.

"What did he say?" Peach asked.

"We'd better go down and save him!" Luigi began to swim downward and made the others follow him. "That way, you can ask him later."

As the three of them began to swim down to rescue their fallen leader, a mermaid came out a pipe nearby. Actually, she wasn't a mermaid at all; she was more like a fish with legs. She wasn't very attractive, either. Obviously, she was the ugly "mermaid" of the episode's title. "Despite the fact that I shouldn't get involved in something that isn't my business," she said to herself, "I am going to do what I think I'm about to do!" And she swam after the unconsciously sinking Mario and grabbed him by the fins of his Frog Suit.

Close by, Luigi and the others swam up. "Oh, whaddaya know! He's already been rescued!"

"Rats!" Toad cursed. "_I_ wanted to save his life dis time!"

"We'd better follow her," Peach commanded, "or I might never find out what Mario was saying back there!"

So they followed the fish-lady down to the pipe she dragged the drowning Mario through. When they came out on the other side of the water-filled pipe, they were in what appeared to be an average metropolis covered by an air-filled dome.

"We should thank you for saving our friend Mario," Peach addressed the fish-lady.

"Yeah! But first we need to revive him!" Luigi jumped on the cement block Mario was encased in, somehow causing it to break a bit.

The fish-lady wasn't listening, though. Instead, she was putting a fishbowl, filled up with water, on her head. "Ahhhhh!" she breathed the water in. "Forgive me for sounding ungrateful, frog-people, but us Mertropolians can't breathe outside of water like you can, so we have to wear fishbowls like this if we're not outside in the water. Problem is, these dern things cause everything to look fuzzy!"

Luigi, Peach, and Toad ignored the fish-lady and set to work on reviving Mario. Once they had managed to break him out of the cement block, Luigi then commanded, "Go get a pump, Toadie, so we can get the water out of his lungs!"

"Screw that, that'll take too long! I have a more efficient idea!" Peach put her lips right on Mario's and proceeded to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Mario soon fluttered his eyes, muttering, "Uhhhh... tell Luigi that he inherits the fortune I've made as Nintendo's mascot... and Sonic, please tell Sonic that... that... he's an insensitive butthead!"

"Wake up, Mario!" Toad jumped on Mario's stomach and slapped his head a few times. "You're not dying! We just gave ya CPR!"

"Oh!" Mario regained control of his mind. "Am I glad to be alive again! I swear, I could see Gunpei Yokoi greeting me into Heaven. What happened?"

"We were just about to rescue you," Luigi explained, "but it looks like that grotesque freak of nature over there did it for us!"

"I was saved by a grotesque freak of nature?" Mario was shocked. "Holy mackerel!"

"The name's _Holly_ Mackerel, my poor sweet frog!" The fish-lady pushed the others out of the way and pounced right on Mario. "I am the mermaid princess of Mertropolis! And you, you gorgeous hunk of warty skin, are gonna be _my_ husband!"

Mario gasped in horror, for being hit on by an ugly fish-lady claiming to be a mermaid princess is the exact horror one finds himself in one of...

**_GARFIELD'S TALES OF SCARY STUFF!!_**

"Y-y-y-y-your husband?!" Mario jumped away from her. "You're mistaken, lady! I don't even know who you are!"

"Maybe you don't, but _I_ do!" Holly Mackerel cooed. "My fortune teller told me that a handsome frog prince would be hopping into my life, and you must be him! And you have such a stylish moustache for an amphibian! I like that in a man."

An exclamation point appeared above Peach, and she jumped behind Mario. "BACK OFF, BITCH, HE'S MINE!!!" she scowled, in a more gruff voice than usual.

"So, my frog prince, would you like me to bring you to meet my father?" Holly asked, somehow oblivious to Peach's objection.

"Uh... look, Holly, I don't wanna sound ungrateful, I mean, it was nice of you to save my life, but that doesn't mean you have to crawl all over me and say I have to marry you!" Mario reasoned. "Besides, I'm no frog prince! I'm not even an actual frog!"

"Oh, playing hard to get, are we?" Holly somehow didn't fully understand what Mario had just said. "That's OK; I like a challenge!"

"I just told you, I'm not a frog!!" yelled Mario. "And even if you weren't scary beyond all reason, I already _have_ a significant other!"

"You heard him, you hussy!" Peach called out. "_I'm_ his significant other, not you!"

"Look, I know my frog prince when I see him, and that's what you are!" Holly said stupidly, somehow not hearing Peach.

"How many times do I have to tell you, I'm _ not_ a frog!" Mario hollered. "Look at this human face. Do you honestly think a real frog would have this kind of face?"

"Of course, sweetykins!" Holly swooned. "It makes you look beautiful!"

Mario pulled in Kermit the Frog. "Do you recognize _this_ guy?"

"Of course. Garfield the cat," Holly answered.

"WHAT?!" Kermit was flabbergasted.

Mario sighed. "Kermit, tell this freak of nature here that I'm not of the same species as _you!_"

"Well, of course you're not. You're not made of your creator's mother's winter coat," said Kermit. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have enough problems now that I have to work for Disney. You're on your own with this one." And with that, Kermit made his trademark exit, shouting out a hearty "Yaaaaaay!"

Mario shook his head. "Sorry Holly, you might be a swell fish, but... I just don't deserve you!"

"But Froggy!" Holly begged. "We could be so happy tog--"

"D-did you just call me 'Froggy'?" Mario interrupted.

"Yes."

"Well, stop, because I do believe another cartoon character is already going by that pet name."

Somewhere in Burbank, California, Froggo was watching this on TV. "I _told_ him not to come cryin' to me later!" he said.

"Now if you'll excuse me," Mario backed away, "me and my friends gotta get going and stop King Koopa!"

"But--"

"No buts!" Mario hopped back to his companions. "Sheesh! What _is_ that crazy monsterette's problem? Why doesn't she get it that I'm not a frog?"

"Yeah, why can't she be the _ other_ kind of mermaid, with the lady part on top and the fish part on the bottom?" Luigi inquired sarcastically.

"Isn't dat a quote from 'Futurama'?" Toad asked.

"No, Toadie, _they_ said it the other way around," Luigi replied.

"Whatever. Let's just get out of here before she realizes she can swim after us!" Mario hopped towards the pipe leading out into the sea and jumped into it. But then, without warning, he suddenly jumped away from it, squealing in terror.

"Hey!" Luigi was confused. "What'd you do that for, Mario?"

"I don't believe it," Mario answered. "Somehow... I'm afraid of the water!"

Luigi, Peach, and Toad flashed strange glances. "WTF?" was all Toad could say. "Dat doesn't make any sense! You were swimmin' poifectly fine in it a few minutes ago!"

"Yeah!" said Peach. "Plus, this isn't my opinion, but don't you realize that acting like you have a sudden aquaphobia is making you a bit of a coward?"

"Dat's right!" Toad added. "Everyone knows _Luigi's_ supposed to be da coward in dis group!"

"Hey!" Luigi was insulted.

"Yes, I know," Mario sobbed. "It's even more embarrassing than when I was disqualified from 'Legends of the Hidden Temple'."

_As Mario was making his way through the swamp of the Hidden Temple, he opened a door and found a Temple Guard waiting right behind it. Thinking quickly, he kicked the Temple Guard right in the groin. The Temple Guard fell down, clutching his groin in pain and grunting, "Ssssssss... Ahhhhh!" repeatedly._

"You're being ridiculous, Mario!" Luigi reasoned. "If you don't leave here, that Ariel-wannabe won't leave you alone until she's turned you into the father of her children!"

"Don't haunt me like that, Luigi!" whimpered Mario.

"Ya don't think maybe bein' encased in dat cement block affected his brain, do ya?" Toad said to Peach.

Just then, they heard Bowser's voice up above. "Attention duelists! I mean, attention people of Mertropolis! I, King Bowser Koopa, frequent end boss and heavyweight go-kart driver, am going to take over your pathetic city! I will give you twenty minutes to surrender, and if you don't do just that, I'll get so angry you won't believe it!" The Doomsub was floating right above the airdome.

"Don't you mean 'I'll destroy you all'?" Bowser Jr.'s voice came from the Doomsub.

"Uh, right!" Bowser cleared his throat and spoke again. "I will give you twenty minutes to surrender, and if you don't do just that, I'll destroy you all! Thank you and have a nice day. This message will repeat."

Down below, inside the airdome, Toad took command. "We gotta hurry to Mertropolis and stop dat crazy Koopa! We ain't gonna let our leader's sudden aquaphobia stop us, right?"

"Shouldn't _I_ be the one taking charge?" Luigi interrupted. "_I'm_ the hero's sidekick!"

"So long as we're asking questions, why does _my_ Frog Suit have eyelashes?" Peach pointed out.

At that point, another anthropomorphic fish creature came up to them. He had purple scales and was wearing a king's crown on top of his fishbowl. "Sizzling sea serpents, Princess Toadstool! Am I glad to see you and the Mario Bros.! _You_ I can do without," he said, pointing to Toad.

"Hey!" Toad was insulted.

"You've got to save my people!" the king-looking fish guy said. "Oh, pardon me, allow me to introduce myself. I am King Fishguy, ruler of Mertropolis."

"You mean _dis_ is da place we have to save from Bowser?" Toad verified.

"Are you related to that creepy fish-lady who was hitting on me just a few minutes ago?" Mario asked.

"If by 'that creepy fish-lady' you mean my daughter Holly," replied King Fishguy, "then yes."

"I can see the resemblance," Mario responded.

"Actually," King Fishguy explained, "all of us Mertropolians look like this. Since we can't breathe without water, we have to wear these fishbowls on our heads in order to live whenever we're at home."

"Wait a minute!" Luigi interrupted. "You people are fish?"

"Yes."

"And you live in an giant airdome?"

"Yes."

"And because you can't breathe air, you have to wear fishbowls on your heads?"

"Yes."

"Then let me ask you this." Luigi jumped on King Fishguy and screamed in his face. "WHAT IN MIYAMOTO'S NAME ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING?!?!? Living in an air-dome when you have gills - that's not right!!"

"My brother's got a point, King Fishguy," added Mario. "Why would you guys want to live in a place where you might die if you forget to put your headgear on?"

"There's no time for this chatter about my species!" King Fishguy pulled Luigi off of him. "Go get your froggy derrieres out there and save my kingdom from King Koopa before he does whatever it is he's going to do to us!"

Mario shivered. "I-I-I'd really like to help you, King Fishguy, but..."

"What's the matter with you?" King Fishguy asked, his head suddenly colored in a pale fleshtone. "You're not afraid of King Koopa, are you?"

"That wuss? Hell no!" Mario stood defiantly. "I give him sound beatings on a regular basis, and even more in remakes and compilations! I practically eat his soldiers for breakfast! I fart in the general direction of his Goombas, wave my private parts at his Lakitus, and call his Thwomps a silly thing!"

"Then what are you so worried about?"

"Can you keep this a secret?" Mario quivered again. "I'm somehow afraid of the water," he whispered.

"You're somehow afraid of the water!?" King Fishguy repeated aloud.

"I'm afraid so," replied Mario. "And since Bowser's Doomsub is out there, there's no way I could get out there long enough to take him down!"

Luigi jumped in front of his brother as some calypso music kicked up. "Mario, listen to me. This fishy world; it's a mess! Life out in the sea is better than anything they got in here!" And with that, he began to sing along to the music.

"The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake.  
You dream about staying in here, but that is a big mistake.  
Just look at the world above you, on top of the ocean floor;  
Such wonderful things are out there, what more could you be looking for?

Out in the sea, out in the sea,  
Brother, it's better  
Out where it's wetter,  
Take it from me!  
Down around here they work all day,  
In this hellhole they slave away,  
While we're devoting  
Our time to floating  
Out in the se--"

"Hang on a second, Luigi!" Mario interrupted his brother's song-and-dance number. "Modified lyrics or not, you can't sing that. We're probably already in enough trouble with Disney."

Luigi started to walk off in the direction of the pipe with a disappointed look. "I never get to sing..." he pouted.

"Don't worry, King Fishguy. We're gonna save Mertropolis, no matter what Bowser does to you!" Peach grabbed Mario by the hand and dragged him pipeward as he kicked and screamed like a child, and Toad followed.

"You do that, and your every fish wish is my command!" King Fishguy turned to face the Mertropolian holding his cue cards. "Fish wish? That's the worst joke you've ever written for me. You're fired!"

The Mertropolian in question threw down the cue cards he was holding. "Fine! Go ahead and fire me! I make better wages at the local GameTrader!"

Peach, Luigi, and Toad jumped into the pipe, causing water to splash out onto Mario. Cringing like Cringer, he hopped on top of some blocks, screaming, "Yikes! Keep me away from that water!"

Toad got out of the pipe. "Sheesh, you really _are_ bein' serious with dis aquaphobia, Mario. What's da big deal? All dat happened was dat ya nearly drowned. Considerin' dat you surely have extra lives in resoive, you wouldn't have really died back dere anyway! You'd just reappear a short distance away from where ya got zapped!"

Peach came out of the pipe too. "You can't let your fears get the best of you, Mario! That's what happened to my last bodyguard."

_"So, you agree to keep me safe from any kidnappers while my daddy's away?" Peach asked her applicant._

_"Yes ma'am, Princess Peach!" Telly Monster, wearing a knight's helmet and holding a lance, saluted._

_"OK, then. Now then, how's about we go see 'Husbands and Wives'? I hear Woody Allen's in it." Peach turned her back as she said that, and when she turned around, Telly was gone, leaving only his helmet and lance behind. "Telly? Where'd you go?"_

"Y'know, I'm beginning to think my brother's aquaphobia is just an excuse of some sort to drag this series of events out," Luigi observed.

Just then, a pack of Boomerang Brothers came out of the pipe! "Holy crap!" Toad screamed. "It's da Boomerang Bros.!"

"Koopa's invading Metropolis!" Peach stated the obvious so quickly she didn't notice her mistake.

"Uh, tell us something we _don't_ know, Princess!" said Luigi. "Also, I thought this city was _Mer_tropolis."

"Uh huh-huh m huh hnngh!" The front Boomerang Bro cackled to the one behind him. "Check it out, #2 - they're wearing Frog Suits."

"M heh-heh huh hnngh!" The second Boomerang Bro in line cackled back at the front one. "Aren't they aware that those suits suck on land? Huh-huh-huh! They're gonna be as much of losers as those idiots who post those unfunny modern Cartoon Network bumpers on YouTube!"

"Huh-heh hnngh heh-huh! You said 'tube'."

"Oh yeah! M huh heh huh-huh-huh! That was cool."

"Those front two sound awfully familiar," Mario observed.

"Fire, fire!" The front Boomerang Bro threw his boomerang in Mario's direction. But Mario, in spite of his current state of affairs, was quick to grab one of the boomerangs and come flying right at that Boomerang Bro, knocking him down. 'Cause he's _that_ awesome.

"Quite a feat, eh Princess?" Luigi bragged.

"I'd say it was marvelous, Luigi," Peach replied, "but you didn't pull it off. Your brother did, you idiot!"

"Yeah, Luigi!" Mario remarked. "Are you trying to steal credit from me or something?"

"Can we argue 'bout dis later?" Toad pointed. "We got other fish food to fry!"

The front Boomerang Bro was picking himself up as the rest of his brethren threw their boomerangs. But again, they had not figured on their adversaries' ingenuity. Mario and Luigi grabbed some nearby ring coral that just happened to be growing in the middle of the hard linoleum ground and threw it at the Boomerang Bros., somehow enveloping all of them. The front two Boomerang Bros. got tied up in the same ring coral. "Dammit, this sucks!" Boomerang Bro 1 bitched to his companion. "It's all _your_ fault 'cause you're such a dumbass."

"Oh yeah! Huh-heh-huh! I knew that!" laughed Boomerang Bro 2.

"How about a game of leap-Frog Mario?" Luigi offered to his bro.

"Geez, can't they even write good puns today? If Rowby Goren's writing this, he's slipping even worse than usual." Mario whined. Nevertheless, he and Luigi played leapfrog, kicking the Boomerang Bros. aside as they did so.

"YAY!" cheered Peach and Toad. "We were totally ineffectual!"

Up above, in the Doomsub, Bowser was watching this with his periscope. "Hmmm... I knew the Boomerang Bros. would fail, even though the good guys are wearing Frog Suits!"

"Then why did you bother sending them down, papa?" Bowser Jr. asked.

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmm..." Bowser was stuck in his quest for an excuse.

"Just admit it, papa. This plan of yours, whatever it is, stinks."

"No it doesn't!" Bowser slapped his favorite kid and spoke into his microphone again. "All right, you lousy do-gooders! I know you're down there! You may have stooped my Troopas, but you won't stoop-- I mean, stop _me!__ That_ was just the _ first_ wave of my attack!"

"Um, am I supposed to be intimidated by him 'cause he said 'wave'?" Mario asked his friends. "I mean, it's only an expression, right?"

"Well, don't you worry, Mario!" Peach caressed her loved one's shoulders. "In spite of the fact that you probably shouldn't, you stay right here, and _we'll_ take care of King Koopa."

Mario watched as his brother, his love interest, and whatever the hell role Toad played in his life, went back through the pipe leading out of Mertropolis and made their way towards his archenemy's submersible. "Sure, go right ahead. Go along and get yourselves captured. I'll just curl up here and let the Sony fanboys make fun of me."

Nearby, Holly (you probably hoped I forgot about her, right?) had walked over to the pipe in question, somehow mistaking it for Mario. She could somehow see his reflection in the water held in said pipe. "I knew it, Froggy! You cared too much about me to leave Mertropolis!" She tapped at the pipe. "Have you been working out in the past three minutes? Your frog belly has become as hard as steel!"

Mario watched the ugly not-mermaid pound on the pipe. "Geez, she's not only ugly, she's blind and dumb. How can she mistake something purple for something that actually _resembles_ a frog? If I wasn't afraid of her advances, I could watch her fumbling around all day."

King Fishguy suddenly walked up. "Mario! Why are you just sitting around here wearing that ridiculous outfit? That Bowser person up there probably has another attack waiting to spring! I thought you said you could kick his posterior on a regular basis."

"Don't worry, King Fishguy! My brother and the princess will take care of him!" Mario explained. "Oh, and Toad's out there too, but nobody cares about him."

Holly heard Mario's voice from far away where she was standing. "Huh?" she turned around and saw her so-called frog prince speaking with her father. She walked up and shanghaied Mario. "Daddy, this is the frog prince I told you about! Prepare the royal wedding!"

King Fishguy was confused by his daughter's proclamation. "What are you talking about, Holly? That's just one of the Mario Bros."

"No, daddy, he's my frog prince! And I'm going to invite everybody in Mertropolis to see my marriage to him!"

"What?" King Fishguy was shocked. "You cannot do that, Holly! Especially not when we're under attack!"

"But Daddy--" Holly whined.

"I consider myself a reasonable merman. I set certain rules, and I expect those rules to be obeyed! And my rules say that interspecies relationships in my kingdom is strictly forbidden! Holly, you _know_ that! _Everyone_ knows that! Besides, you don't even know him."

"_Know_ him? I don't _have_ to know him, daddy. The fortune teller predicted him for me. Besides, I saved him from drowning! And I had to. Otherwise, he would've died!"

"Well, hasn't it occurred to you that you should ask _him_ what _he_ thinks about this! Besides, what will the children would look like? For all I know, they could turn out to be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each foot!"

"Daddy, I love him!" Holly gasped. By this time, the discussion had caught the ears of several other Mertropolians, and they had come to see what was going on.

King Fishguy gasped back. "Noo! Have you lost your senses completely!? He's a human! You're a mermaid!"

"I don't care! And he's a _frog_, daddy."

"So help me, Holly, I am going to get through to you, and if this is the only way, _so be it!!_" King Fishguy fumed.

"King Fishguy, are you sure she's your daughter?" Mario asked. "You seem a lot more intelligent than her."

Meanwhile, over in the Doomsub, Iggy and Lemmy could see three characters who were not Mario swimming up towards them.

"Look, King Dad! Here come the Princess and that green guy who hangs out with Mario! Oh, and the little shrimpy guy you don't care about." Iggy then started tapping his feet together and pointed at his brother. "Ha ha, I said that whole thing before _you_ could finish it, Lemmy! Ha ha!" Needless to say, Lemmy looked dejected.

"They're coming to attack me _without_ Mario leading them? Those lunkheads sure are stupid!" Bowser declared. "I'll easily capture them with my Nasty Nets!"

"Too much information, papa." Bowser Jr. was grossed out.

"I said 'Nasty Nets', not 'Nasty Nuts', Princie!" Bowser turned to the other two Koopalings in the sub. "Hip, Hop! Deploy the nuts-- uh, _nets_ immediately!"

So the Koopa Twins fired the Nasty Nuts-- er, Nasty _Nets_, and they easily caught Mario's companions. 'Cause, you know, they're not as awesome as Mario himself is. He's the star, after all, and they're just his supporting cast. Just as he was nabbed himself, Luigi suddenly asked himself, "Wait a minute... didn't Mario say I would inherit his fortune if he had died back there?"

Iggy and Lemmy danced victoriously. "We caught 'em! We caught 'em!"

Bowser watched as the prisoner-bearing nets were attached to one of the horns on the front of his sub. "Hmm. So for once, us villains have actually hit our targets! The ironing is delicious."

"Um, it's 'irony', King Dad." Iggy corrected.

"Yeah," agreed Lemmy, "and I don't see how exactly this can be described as ironic."

"Besides, isn't Mario still out there?" Bowser Jr. pointed out. "After all, _he's_ your greatest enemy, papa."

"You're probably right, Princie. I'd better check to see where he is, and then do something so rotten, he'll _have_ to come out so I can capture him! Lemmie see, since he took care of the Boomerang Bros. I sent down to Mertropolis earlier, he's probably still there! Let's see if I'm right." Bowser took out his periscope again and looked at Mertropolis. Soon, he had his sights on Holly, still with Mario in her arms, arguing with her father. "Aha! There he is... being humped by some kind of fish-person with legs, apparently."

"Ewww! That's just plain gross, papa!" Bowser Jr. was even more disgusted.

"I wonder why exactly he's letting that happen to him? I'd better ask him first." Bowser picked up his microphone again and spoke up for his nemesis to hear. "Yo, Mario! I was wondering why you didn't come out to stop me just now! Tell me, tell me, why exactly are you being humped by that grotesque reverse-mermaid creature-type thing?"

_Holy crap!_ Mario said in his mind when he heard Bowser speaking. _That bastard Bowser's taken my friends hostage! I _knew_ they'd get captured without my supervision. Scared or not, I must rescue the Princess again! _And_ my brother! Toad I don't care about, but I gotta do something to save them!_

"Oh, who's that guy up there, Froggy?" Holly asked her husband-to-be. "Is he a friend of yours? I'll invite him to the wedding too!"

"DAMMIT, LADY!!" Mario screamed, jumping out of her arms. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SCREAM IT BEFORE YOU GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL?!? I'M _NOT_ A FROG!!!!" And with that, he tore off his Frog Suit and held it in front of him. "SEE?!? IT'S JUST A _SUIT!!_ A COSTUME! A PIECE OF CLOTH MEANT FOR MASQUERADING!! _NOW_ ARE YOU STARTING TO GET THE PICTURE, YOU UGLY RETARD OF A FAKE MERMAID?!" His face turned red during that last sentence, and he threw the Frog Suit right on the floor.

Holly ran up to the discarded Frog Suit and took it in her arms. "Froggy! Are you OK? Now it feels like you've had every bone in your body broken! I'll see if my pediatrician can cure you, and _then_ we'll get married!" And with that, she ran off with the Frog Suit.

Mario turned to face Bowser's Doomsub and shrugged.

Bowser shrugged too, then continued with his announcement. "Well then, now that we've got _that_ little bit of weirdness out of the way... All right, Mertropolis! I've tried to be nice to you people, but my patience has already reached its end! So instead of letting the twenty-minute countdown I gave you earlier run out, I'm going to go ahead and destroy your city anyway! Any questions?"

"Yes, actually," one particular Mertropolian raised his hand. "How come we never see Beetle Bailey without a hat?"

"Ugh," the Koopa King sighed, "because the cartoonist never thought about that, OK? Now then! You have five seconds to surrender. Five... four... three... four... five... two... three... four... five..." The citizens of Metropolis looked at each other and shrugged as Bowser continued with his strange counting. "...three... four... three... two... five... two-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo... one! Blast off!!"

And with that, he sent out a Bob-Omb that exploded upon hitting the roof of the Mertropolis airdome. Water came pouring into the city, but the Mertropolians, instead of trying to declare which one of them would get to take a sip of it first, ran around screaming in terror and flailing their arms about. Yes, you read that right. Despite the fact that they were clearly fish, animals that breathe water, the citizens of Mertropolis were fleeing like scared little bitches from the very substance they needed to survive. Even King Fishguy was acting like an idiot now. I could not understand this scene at all.

And neither could Mario. "WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?" he shouted at them as they ran about. "You're _fish!!_ This is _water!!_ It's your freakin' element! It's the very thing you can't live without! You can't possibly be scared of it!" But the Mertropolians just kept running around in circles, and finally Mario decided, "Ah, screw this! I'm gettin' outta here. To hell with this episode!"

So he went through the pipe leading out of Mertropolis and swam up to the Doomsub, where he found his dear friends (and Toad) hanging onto the driver-side horn. He took one of his badges from Paper Mario out of his pocket and used it to cut the net apart.

Peach glomped her hero. "I knew you'd come save us, Mario!"

"Well," said Mario, "I knew you guys would get in trouble without me. You three are _nothing_ without me. _Nothing!_"

"What happened to yer fear of water?" Toad asked. "And where's yer Frog Suit?"

"I never had any aquaphobia, Toadie; it was just an excuse to drag this episode out. As for my Frog Suit, Holly's going to marry it instead. Now let's get out of here before King Koopa sees us!"

"But Mario, shouldn't we save Mertropolis?" Peach asked.

"Why bother?" Mario began to swim back to the shore. "Bowser's not actually harming the people."

"Y'know, he's right," verified Luigi. "I don't see how one can possibly harm a city populated with fish by flooding it with water." And he swam off after his brother.

"Dat's good enough for me!" Toad swam off too.

Peach shrugged. "Ah, what the hell. We won't be seeing these guys again anyway!" And she followed her male companions.

In the Doomsub, Bowser watched his adversaries swim away. "Hey! Where are ya goin'?" he called out, to no avail. "I'm taking over a kingdom and forcing its citizens into submission right here! Aren't you even going to _try_ and foil my plans? Get back here and try to stop me!" Not getting any response, he turned to his kids and lamented, "I don't get it, kids. I'm actually conquering another kingdom for once, and those dipweeds who keep preventing my plans from working aren't making _any_ effort to stop me! Haven't I always tried to be a good enemy to Mario? It's like they suddenly don't find this place worth saving."

"If that's what they're thinking, papa," said Bowser Jr., "then they've got the right idea."

"Whatchoo talkin' about, Princie?"

"I've been reading the Charlie Brown 'Cyclopedias lately, papa," Bowser Jr. held one up, "and according to them, fish breathe water through gills as opposed to mammals breathing air through lungs."

"Great Scott, you're right!" Bowser gasped in shock. "If the Charlie Brown 'Cyclopedia says it, it must be true! You were totally correct the whole time, Princie - this plan _did_ stink."

"Natch," replied Bowser Jr. "Don't they _all_?"

"Come." Bowser began to steer the Doomsub back in the direction from whence they came. "We must return to Castle Koopa to prepare for tomorrow."

"Why, King Dad? What are we going to do tomorrow?" Iggy asked.

"Contaminate the Mushroom Kingdom's water supply?" Lemmy inquired.

"No kids, the same thing we do every day - try to take over the Mushroom Kingdom!" Bowser answered.

"Actually, papa, contaminating the water supply _would_ be a good step in that," Bowser Jr. pointed out.

"Nah, it'd just be too easy that way," Bowser asserted.

As the Doomsub disappeared into the distance, those strange unidentifiable singers finally made their voices heard.

"**They're Junior,  
The Koopalings and the King, King, King, King,  
King, King, King, King,  
King!**"

"And somebody shut those guys up too!" Bowser yelled as the closing curtain came down.

* * *

I certainly hope you've been patient enough to wait for this. I had already finished this up before Halloween, but decided that the release date of the Nintendo Wii (which, maybe or maybe not by coincidence, is just one day after the fifth anniversary of the GameCube's release!) would be a good time for me to publish anything Mario-related. And thus, you've now seen this. So at least some good came out of me parodying this lousy episode. 


	9. Do the Koopa

You've probably noticed in the last few chapters that I've been making quite a bit of jokes at the expense of "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends". Well, in case you haven't figured it out by now, I really hate that show. As if it isn't enough that Cartoon Network is airing it way too often for a show that premiered barely two and a half years ago, it never makes me laugh, and quite frankly, Bloo is a jerk whom we shouldn't be modeling our lives after. Seriously, he is. (And don't you try to tell me that all the cartoon protagonists before him were jerks themselves, because that is entirely untrue.) And that unfunny trashfest is what they chose to replace "Looney Tunes"?! The fact that Warner Bros. is releasing seasonal/volumed DVD sets for it instead of a show that actually deserves one (like "Histeria!" or "Freakazoid!", hint hint) is practically enough to make me appreciate Shout! Factory's SMBSS DVD sets. That said, here's the latest chapter.

* * *

**"Do the Koopa"**

The library. A place where people went to for the purposes of checking out books and, if they were allowed to, ogling women in old National Geographic issues. And it was at the Mushroom Kingdom's local library that this episode's plot got started. But the Mario Bros. and their friends had not come there for sexy fun with old National Geographics. They were there for an entirely different reason.

"Sure was nice of you to bring us to the library with you, Princess," said Mario. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm a-gonna go check out their comic strip collections. I might just be able to find a picture of the Little Red-Haired Girl!"

"I'm gonna go read up on da history of fast-food restaurants!" Toad followed after Mario.

"And _I'm_ going to gorge up facts about old cars!" Luigi was about to go off in his direction when Princess Peach grabbed him from behind.

"No you're not, Luigi!" she said. "We're here to look for a map to a valuable object that could very well be the beginning of the end of the middle of the halfway point of the third portion of this segment of the war against King Koopa!"

"Well, if that's what you came for, look no further," Luigi pointed behind himself. "There's a big rack of maps right here."

Peach looked through the maps. "Hmmm, lessie... map to the castle at the end of World 1-1, map to the North Pole, map to the Nintendo of America company building, map to Fox Studios, map to Chuck Norris's house, map to the nearest McDonald's, map to the nearest Wal-Mart... Ah! Here it is! Bravo, Luigi! If I wasn't contractually obligated to Mario, I could kiss you for this!"

"Why?" said Luigi. "You're the one who found that map. I just pointed you to the rack."

Peach shrugged. "Whatever. Anyway, let's show this to Mario!"

The main character, at that point, was sitting in the children's corner reading "Berenstain Bears" books; in his quest to find an actual visual representation of the object of Charlie Brown's unrequited affections, he had gotten distracted and had become curious about the world of the ursine family in said books. "Ahhhh," he said to himself. "So in their world, Barbie dolls are called _Bear_bie dolls, Dairy Queen is called Dairy _Bear_, and Amelia Earhart was Amelia _Bear_hart! How very interesting. I wonder what they call _me._"

"Mario!" Peach called out as she and Luigi approached him. "You must take a look at this!"

"Can it wait, Princess?" Mario whined, his nose deep in the book he was reading. "I gotta find out if Mama Bear is successful in getting the family to stop eating junk food!"

Peach tossed the kiddie books off the table and placed down the map. "You can find that out later, Mario! Right now, I've got big news. Look at this map."

Mario looked at the piece of paper the Princess had placed in front of him. "Oh my god! You've discovered moving paper!" he yelled, pointing to the image of the Boom-Boom that appeared to be shaking its fists back and forth. "This could make you rich!" All the nearby Toads shushed him at this point.

"No no, Mario, this is the map to the Doom Dancer Music Box," Peach said in a whispering tone. "It holds a hypnotic power over all those who listen to it. Everybody listening to it will be forced to dance at whatever speed you're playing the music at."

"Oh, like one of the Music Boxes from Super Mario Bros. 3 that can put wandering Hammer Bros. to sleep?" Mario inquired, in a near-silent tone.

"Uh, yeah," Peach answered. "Like that."

"Hmmmm. Hey, I think I know what we could do with this thing!" Mario pointed. "We could entice your dad into building a monorail! Ahh no, that's a dumb idea, even by his standards. Wait, I know! We could get it through the thick skulls of Warner Home Video's executives that making a DVD set for 'Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends' is a terrible idea! Nah, that wouldn't work; kids are still stupid enough to think that show is good." He then gasped. "Hang on; this Doom Dancer may be just the thing to put an end to King Koopa's shenanigans!" The nearby Toads shushed him again.

"_That's_ exactly what I was thinking," said Peach. "If we can put King Koopa under the spell of the Doom Dancer, he'll never kidnap me again!"

"Really?" asked Luigi. "If this thing can truly put an end to that creepy Bowser's laughable reign of terror, why didn't you suggest this thing to us before? I mean, you made us travel us all over the world on our last series to find someone who could free this kingdom, only to find out they weren't really of any help whatsoever, and _now_ you're tell us we should just go after a music box that you've never mentioned before so that it can do what a whole buch of other mystical people couldn't really do?"

"Shut up, Luigi, you heard the Princess. We'll never have to worry about Bowser kidnapping her again if we find this thing, so let's go get it!" Mario declared, taking Peach's arm in his hand. "So, uh, where is this Dupe Dancer anyway?"

_Mario touched me. That means we're engaged!_ Peach thought before answering the question. "It's called the _Doom_ Dancer, and it's hidden in the Temple of Doom-- I mean, Temple of Gloom, in Darkland."

"Darkland!?" Luigi whimpered. "But Darkland is Bowser's home kingdom! Why would the very instrument that could subdue him long enough for us to kill his operations be in a temple right in his own kingdom?! Oh, and all his sub-bosses are probably hanging out there too. Besides, I uh, hate dancing."

"Oh, really? Then how come you were so good at it in Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix?" Mario nitpicked.

"D'OH!!!" Luigi grunted loudly, and the nearby Toads shushed him.

Mario patted Luigi's shoulder. "Relax, Weege. Bowser and his sub-bosses are no match for me, remember? You just follow my lead."

"Follow your lead, you say." Luigi muttered with his arms crossed. "We can't ever follow _my_ lead, can we?"

"Now then," Mario ignored his brother's muttering, "shall I go fetch two Warp Whistles to bring us to Darkland, or do you wanna do a no-warps speedrun?"

"We don't need to, Mario." Peach pointed out the window. "We can just go down that warp pipe out there with the skull and crossbones embossed on it."

"Wait a minute." Mario got angry-looking. "You mean, every time Bowser kidnaps you, I go through all those levels, getting hurt numerous times and even occasionally dying while doing so, and it turns out I could just use a pipe leading to Darkland that happens to be sitting right outside this very library?"

"Yeah, pretty much," the Princess admitted.

"Oh, okay. Now then, let's go get that Doom Dancer!" Mario declared out loud, prompting the nearby Toads to shush him again.

And so, the Mario Bros. and Princess Peach left the library, not realizing they were forgetting something...

"Hmmm... so McDonald's originally sold only hot dogs and orange soda? Dat's pretty ironic!" Toad said to himself.

0-0-0

Shortly afterward, the Marios and Peach had arrived in the underground tunnels of the Koopa Kingdom. The Princess took a whiff of the air. "Venturing deep into enemy territory! I feel just like Princess Sally Acorn."

"Yeah, except _her_ dad doesn't sit in the bathtub reading 'Uncle Scrooge'," Mario rolled his eyes.

Meanwhile, back at the Mushroom Castle, King Toadstool was taking a bubble bath while reading the latest issue of "Uncle Scrooge". "Ooooh, I wonder how Scrooge and the boys are going to get out of this one!" he said.

Back in the underground tunnels, Luigi made an ushering motion. "You two go right ahead; I need to prepare myself for, uh... anything that may come up."

"All right, we'll make sure you get the weakest guys!" Mario joked.

As soon as Mario and the Princess were out of earshot, Luigi reached into his pocket and pulled out a spray can that was labeled "Eau de Pig Hormones". _Ohoho, Luigi! You're TOOO smart!_ he thought as he shook the can. _Not everyone would buy a pig-hormone off the Internet and put it on to attract chicks! I guess that's what makes me smarter than the average sidekick!_ With that he popped the cap off and sprayed himself with the pig hormones. He took a big sniff of his newly-acquired scent and said, "Aaaah. The great smell of pig!" Putting the spray can back in his pocket, he ran off after his compatriots.

Close by, a Dry Bones who was resting in peace (ha, get it?) was suddenly awakened by the scent of ham making its way into his nostrils. This rattled his bones (OK, maybe that one wasn't good, or was it?) enough to wake him up. "Holy zombificiation!" he said to himself. "The smell of pig! I'd better go tell his majesty!"

0-0-0

Over in Bowser's Castle, someone was throwing darts at his Mario dartboard. But it wasn't King Koopa himself who was doing it. What King Koopa himself was doing was, um, I don't really know, trying to feed himself some medicine. He had a cold, see, and he wasn't in the mood for any bad news today. Close by, the Koopalings were the ones throwing darts at the Mario dartboard. Actually, just Roy was throwing the darts. Larry and Morton Jr. were just standing there watching him. No clue on where Bowser Jr. and the others were in this scene. Maybe they had better things to do with their time.

It was at that point that the Dry Bones came running in. "Your highness! I have dire news!"

"What'd joo say!?" Bowser called. "Cub a little closer; dis code is really chafeeg by heareeg!"

The Dry Bones got close to Bowser's, um, ear. "I just smelled the scent of pig," he whispered.

"Louba! Louba!" Bowser demanded.

"I just smelled the scent of pig," the Dry Bones said again.

"_Louba!_" forced Bowser. "You dubby bubby! Cand joo see I got a code!?"

"I JUST SMELLED THE SCENT OF PIG!!" The Dry Bones let loose his best Loud Kiddington impression, which elicited the Koopalings to shush him and nearly caused himself to fall apart.

"What? You spelled da cent uh pig!?" Bowser repeated in his temporary speech impediment.

"Cent uh pig?" Morton was confused. He was confused by Dry Bones' announcement, that is, not by the fact that Roy and Larry's head had suddenly turned orange. "What is cent uh pig?!"

"Not 'cent uh pig'," the Dry Bones corrected. "Scent _of_ pig. As in, a pig-like smell."

"Phew! That's a relief!" Larry, whose head was now back to its normal color, wiped his brow. "If it was the kind of pigs that Theodore Roosevelt had to bust, we would've been in _big_ trouble!"

"We _are_ in trouble!" Bowser yelled. "Subbody has snuck itto by keegdub aftuh sprayeeg pig-horbodes od hibself!"

"What's it matter to you, your highness?" asked the Dry Bones. "You've got a cold, so you can't smell it anyway!"

"What? Speag up, foo!" Bowser was really having problems.

_Sheesh,_ thought the Dry Bones, _he claims to have a cold, and yet it's his _hearing _that's suffering. End bosses are the funniest people!_

"You let us handle dis, King Dad." Roy gave his brothers noogies. "We'll find whoever it is here who smells like pig, and we'll give 'im a poundin'. That is, after asking why he wants to smell like pig."

"Speag louba negs tibe!" Bowser cried. "Just go fide da guy wid da pig-horbodes! Dry Bodes here will show you the way!"

"Right, King Dad!" said Larry as he and his brothers followed after the Dry Bones. "And _you_ get some speech therapy! We can hardly understand what you're saying!"

0-0-0

In the caverns of Darkland, the Marios and the Princess had come to a hot chasm. It was hot because there was a big fire at the bottom. Apparently, somebody must've left his furnace on too long down there.

Luigi flinched. "Geez, stop the music!" he yelled, and as if on cue, the background music came to a halt.

"Whoa, Luigi!" said Peach. "You gotta teach us that trick sometime!"

"Well, it's quite simple," Luigi replied. "I learned it from watching 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'."

"Why'd you stop the music, Luigi? We were making good time!" Mario complained. "And why do I have this sudden craving for green eggs and ham?"

"Oh, that? I sprayed pig-hormones all over myself," Luigi answered. "Also, I had to stop the music 'cause it was gettin' too loud! Besides, how can ya think of dancing at a time like this? Look! They want us to jump all the way over to that other cliff right there! No way we could jump that far! Not even me, and I have that trick where I can bend flutter my legs in mid-air!"

Mario patted his brother's arm. "We don't _need_ to jump, Luigi. You forget, with the proper item, we can simply _fly_ over this gap! All we gotta do is get the Power-Ups! And wouldn't ya know it, by some lucky coincidence, there's some Blocks right above us! Start the music!"

The score turned back on again, although it was actually a different piece of music than before, as Mario jumped upward and pulled a plunger from out of nowhere. He stuck the plunger on the wall in front of him and used it as a spring to get to the Blocks. Once he was done knocking them out, two Super Leaves came floating down, so Luigi and Peach were both able to gain the power of the Raccoon Suit. Somehow, the color saturation went a bit off at this point, but that has nothing to do with anything.

"Only two Super Leaves in those Blocks?" Luigi commented. "Does this mean we gotta carry you across, bro?"

"No need, Weege. I've been saving this item in reserve for just such an occasion!" Mario pulled a Jet Hat out from under his own hat. "It's a good thing I stole this Jet Hat from Wario!"

So Jet Mario, Raccoon Luigi, and Raccoon Peach flew over the fiery chasm. Once they reached the other side, they could see tall yellow spikes poking down from the ceiling into the ground. Those things were out of place, since they were actually from Super Mario World, but the good guys simply walked around them. More trouble was up ahead in the form of two Grey Bowser Statues. Mario was smart enough to leap above the Grey Bowser Statues, but Luigi and Peach stupidly ran between the statues, causing them to get hit by the statues' lasers and lose their Raccoon Suit powers. Idiots.

Mario didn't seem to mind it, though. Instead of chastising his companions, he simply stated the obvious. "We're almost to the Temple of Gloom!"

"Really now, what made you say that?" Luigi sarcastically replied. "Is it the fact that we can see it in plain sight from here?"

Before Mario could answer, he saw a bunch of Dry Boneses coming at them! "Holy zombie, Robin! Dry Bones Troopas!"

"Dry Bones Troopas?! I thought they were just called Dry Boneses," corrected Luigi.

"Whatever! Let's send these boneheads back to the graveyard!" Mario cried.

But that proved to be futile. As anyone who's played Super Mario Bros. 3, Super Mario World, or New Super Mario Bros. knows, Dry Bones quickly resurrect themselves after being stomped on, and apparently Mario and company had forgotten that. They didn't have any capes to spin them away, and there weren't any spiked balls to plow them away. And if we take Hotel Mario into account, they didn't have any fireballs with them, so they couldn't burn the skeletons to death. So obviously, this was a difficult part of the journey for them to complete.

"These turtles take a licking and come back kicking!" Peach made a bad joke.

"Ugh, I don't wanna hear another joke like that!" Luigi whined.

"Screw this!" yelled Mario. "Let's just go into the freakin' temple." And with that, the good guys ignored the Dry Boneses and ran right into the entrance of the temple.

A few minutes later, the singular Dry Bones who had alerted Bowser earlier arrived in front of the temple with the three Koopalings. They must've taken a different route there if they didn't need to pass over the chasm. "That guy with the pig scent must've been through here," he observed. "His scent is still fresh."

"How can you smell the smell of pig anyway?" Larry asked. "You're a skeleton!"

"Hey, shut up!" snapped the Dry Bones. "I just do, OK?"

"He musta gone in dere!" Roy pointed at the temple.

The Dry Bones shook so much he almost fell apart again. "Ooooooh, I know that place. That's the Temple of Gloom!"

"Don't you mean Temple of Do--" Morton was quickly silenced.

"Shhhhh!" The Dry Bones shushed. "No, we gotta call this the Temple of Gloom so that Spielberg and Lucas won't sue. Anyway, I'm not going in there; it's dark!"

"Den _we'll_ go in dere!" Roy bragged. "You go home and rest; _we'll_ take care of Mr. Pig-Hormones!"

"You're probably right; I probably do need some undead rest." The Dry Bones walked off, thinking, _Besides, I'm sure his cold-caught highness won't be able to object to my furlough _too _much..._

Roy, Larry, and Morton went inside the Temple of Gloom. Since the Mario group had already made their way through the temple, the Koopa Kids had no trouble going through all the traps. I can't describe those traps, because there were too few of them shown onscreen for me to write about. After a commercial break's worth of that, they were not far behind the good guys. Luigi's pig cologne was now stronger to their noses than ever.

"Aha!" Larry pointed. "So _that's_ where the smell is coming from! It's that guy in the green suit who hangs out with Mario!"

"How'd you know dat, Cheatsy?" inquired Roy.

"Simple - the can is sticking out of his pocket," Larry indicated from their spot. "Also, the smell lines above him gave it away."

"According to our map," they heard Peach say, "the Doom Dancer is right behind this door."

"Are you sure about that, Princess?" asked Luigi. "That map really looks more like it's just a picture of the temple's interior."

"Hush up, Luigi!" Mario slapped his sibling in the back of his head. "This is why _I'm_ the star and _you're_ just the sidekick."

"'Cause I'm the voice of reason?"

"Hardy har har."

"Hmmm, now we know why they're the _Mario_ Bros.," Larry muttered in the background.

"Holy crap!" Morton yelled, somehow not giving away his and his brothers' location. "They have a map to the Doom Dancer Muuuuuusic Box!!"

"The Doom Dancer Music Box? I thought King Dad said that was only an oiban legend," said Roy, who by the way meant "urban" when he said "oiban".

"Wait, if King Dad thinks it's an urban legend," Larry said the word correctly, "why is it the temple in which it's supposedly held is right here in our home kingdom and it never mattered to us till now?"

"It doesn't matter!" whined Morton. "If Mario is after us, then it _must_ be real! And if he obtains it, us Koopas will all be doomed!" Before Morton could say anything more, Roy shushed him and carried him out of the temple. Larry followed.

"We won't have to worry, Bigmouth," Roy explained. "Once dose faucet-fixin' fools come outta dere wit' da Doom Dancer, we're gonna take it away from 'em! Huhuhuhuh!"

Larry and Morton looked at each other, then the younger one spoke up. "Geez, Bully, that's _stealing!_"

"Yeah, that's right!" added Morton.

"Of course it's stealing, you dim-witted dumbbots! We're _bad_ guys! We're _supposed_ to steal!" Roy smashed his brothers' heads in. "Boy, good henchmen are hard ta find! Now then, how shall we do it?"

"I know! We'll tell them there are only two shopping days till Christmas, forcing them to rush off to the nearest toy store. But we'll beat them there by flying in the Clown Car, and tell the clerk to not let them in. And with them unable to get in, _we'll_ get all the best Christmas gifts, especially all the Nintendo Wiis in the store!" Morton could already visualize his ideal plan. "It's brilliant, brilliant, brrrilliant! Hahahahaha!" he cackled.

"Uh, how exactly does that get us the Doom Dancer?" Larry asked.

"Do _you_ have any ideas, Cheatsy?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact! We'll set up fake YouTube accounts with their names and e-mail addresses on it and then upload several video clips made by Viacom without their permission! Then, Viacom will surely find out and order YouTube to have those egg-seeking suckers banned from the site and possibly even arrested!"

"Forget it!" enforced Roy. "_I'm_ the oldest one here, so _my_ vote is the only one dat counts! And I say we trip 'em up and swipe it! Please give me your string, Bigmouth."

"My string? You mean, my _favorite_ string?! AAAAHHHH!!!! Not my favorite string! It's _INVALUABLE!!_" Morton ran about like a scared pansy screaming about not wanting to give up his favorite string, but it wasn't enough to stop Roy from grabbing him. While Roy was holding him down, Larry grabbed Morton's string from, um, out of no specific spot on Morton's person, and tied it around two pieces of masonry in front of the temple doorway.

"There! Now the only way those guys will make us dance for them is by shopping at the Koopamart!" Larry cackled. Morton and Roy gave him confused looks, prompting him to say, "Hey, I just wanted to say that, OK?"

0-0-0

Deep inside the Temple of Do-- uh, Gloom, Mario, Luigi, and Peach were standing in front of the pedestal where the Doom Dancer Music Box sat. "It's really here!" cried Peach.

"No duh, Princess," muttered Luigi. "Why don't you just tell the whole world?"

"Short Round, Marion," Mario dismissed them, "you go back to the entrance hallway. Let _me_ handle this." As soon as Luigi and Peach had left the room, Mario declared, "Let the action sequence ripped off from 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' begin!"

The Indiana Jones music kicked up as Mario walked up to the pedestal and wiped sweat off of his mouth. After stretching his fingers a bit, he lifted the Doom Dancer off of its podium. Just as he had touched down on the ground, a giant boulder came rolling his way! Mario held his dash button down as long as he could as the boulder chased him all the way back through the temple. He made it in the nick of time, because the doorway was closing downward. He slid underneath the door-thingy, with his hat falling off behind him. In just about enough time, he reached under the door and snatched his hat back just as the door completely closed and the boulder smashed right into it.

From right at the other end of the hallway, Peach and Luigi applauded as Mario took his bows. "Thank you, thank you."

"See, no need for a lawsuit, people." Luigi addressed the camera. "We're doing a tribute here."

Mario walked with the others outside the temple. "Now then, let's go hypnotize us some Koo--OOOOO!!" He suddenly tripped over the string that Larry had laid out, and Luigi and Peach fell right on him. The Doom Dancer slipped out of his grasp and into the air.

Close by, Morton moved his feet randomly. "I got it! I got it!"

"No ya don't, Bigmouth!" Despite the fact that he was of a lesser sub-boss than Morton, Larry managed to shove him out of the way. "_I_ got it!"

"No, _I_ got it!" a different voice yelled and shoved Larry away before catching the Doom Dancer himself.

"_Bowser Jr.?!_" said Larry and Morton at once.

"How nice of you to address me by my real name, you dunderheads," Bowser Jr. smirked.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Larry demanded to know.

"Papa Bowser sent me after you and Roy. He knew you would foul up trying to accomplish this task, so he sent _me_ to make sure you didn't fail! After all, _I'm_ his favorite."

"But we _didn't_ fail in our task!" Morton hollered. "We found out that Mario's mysterious sidekick was the one who smelled like pig!"

"Oh, I thought you were sent to get this thing." Bowser Jr. looked at the Doom Dancer. "Well, then, maybe I can consider this a bonus. Papa will be so happy with this--OOF!"

Mario and Luigi suddenly jumped on Bowser Jr., causing him to drop the Doom Dancer. They began to beat Bowser Jr. to a pulp while Peach just stood there and did nothing to help. But while that was going on, Roy snuck over and picked up the Doom Dancer. "May I have your attention, people?" he yelled out. "_I_ now have the Doom Dancer!"

Morton quivered with fear. "Uh, Bully, big brother, ol' pal! That thing doesn't affect me and Cheatsy, does it?"

Mario and Luigi stopped beating up Bowser Jr. "Bigmouth's got a point, Princess! You never told us if we wouldn't be affected by the Doom Dancer while you were using it on King Koopa."

Roy began to play the Doom Dancer, and instantly, Mario, Luigi, Peach, Bowser Jr., Larry, and Morton got caught in a dancing state. "Hehehehe, let's try it slow," Roy clucked when the camera was offscreen, only to mouth it once the camera was behind him. Sure enough, the others went into a slow dance once he set it to that mode.

"So tell me, Mario, is this what you and Luigi experience in Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix?" asked Peach. "I wasn't in that game."

"Surprisingly, yes," the main character answered.

"Now let's try a march!" Roy commanded, and he made the others march in front of him. "With dis little tingy, I'll overthrow King Dad before _Ludwig_ can! Say hello, chumps, to Roy Orbison Koopa, new king of Darkland and soon, the whole Mushroom World!"

"Now I don't even know why I bothered coming out here..." Bowser Jr. snarled under his breath.

"Aw, geez!" moaned Luigi. "This sucks worse than that time I was being chased by a killer bluebird."

_"Oh god, don't let the bluebird get me!" Luigi was playing Back to the Future II & III, and he stupidly jumped into the pit that he was trying to jump over. "Daaaamn!! Graham, what the hell am I doing wrong?"_

_"You're asking me!?" said the gazelle-turned-anthropomorphic-fish next to him. "I'm a talking fish-head!"_

0-0-0

Later that day, back in his throne room, Bowser blew his nose. "Aaaaaah! Those speech therapy pills did wonders for my voice. I can speak clearly again now! Just wish they could've done the same for the rest of this cold."

At that point, Roy came in, bringing with him the captured good guys and his entranced brothers. "We caught da pig-scented poipuhtrator, King Pop! It was that green companion of Mario's who isn't Yoshi! Also, I found _dis._" He proudly held up the Doom Dancer.

"The Doom Dancer Music Box! Good work, Koopalings! You're better minions than I thought!" Bowser stood up. "Now let me try it, Bully."

"I'm afraid that you're joking, _Ex-_King Dad. I'm going to take over da whole Mushroom World wit' dis little beauty and toin everybody from here to Kongo Bongo Island into my slaves, startin' with _you!_" Roy started playing the Doom Dancer again.

But Bowser didn't start dancing. "What?! What did you say? Speak up; I can't hear you very well with these ears of mine all stuffed up!"

Roy stopped cranking and gulped. "Y-you can't hear me!?"

"Yeah, Bully!" Larry pointed out. "That means you _can't_ control him! Surely you would've remembered that from earlier, right?"

"Could you please not call me 'Shirley'?" asked Roy. "Dat's even more embarrasin' dan dat 'Kooky' name King Dad's been callin' Ludwig."

Luigi looked angrily at Peach. "You _had_ to pick the one day that Bowser caught a cold for us to go get this damn thing, didn't you?"

Peach crossed her arms. "Sheesh, Mario's brother, you act like this is the first time I've made a miscalculation."

_"So Mervin, now that we've rid Cramalot of King Koopa, perhaps you could do the same for my kingdom?" Peach asked._

_"No, Princess," answered Mervin. "Why did you think I could do that?"_

_"You're supposed to be a powerful wizard!" the Princess objected. "You teleported us out of a prison cell, for cryin' out loud!"_

_"Uh-oh..." With that, Mervin dashed off into the distance._

Roy reluctantly handed the Doom Dancer over to Bowser. "Hmph! I shoulda given dat thing to Ludwig so _he_ could endure dis humiliation!"

"What did you say? Ah, never mind! It's time for _you_ to Do the Koopa!" Bowser began playing the Doom Dancer himself, and needless to say, the other characters began to dance.

"Do the Koopa?!" Mario was angry. "Great, first he steals our means of stopping him, now he's stealing _my_ dance craze!"

"You laugh," Luigi moped. "You're not the one who hates to dance!"

"Oh, shut up, Luigi. You dance just as well as I do and you know it!"

"King Dad will pay dearly for dis!" Roy cursed.

"Yeah!" added Morton. "We don't play Dance Dance Revolution!"

"I love this song! Heheh, I always wanted my own dance named after me!" Bowser chortled. "I could make the whole Mushroom Kingdom dance to their doom with this little beauty! In fact, I think I'll do just that! Someone get Kooky to fire up the Doomship!"

0-0-0

One scene-switch later, the Doomship was positioned right over the roof of Princess Peach's Castle. Up on the dock, Bowser stood with the Doom Dancer hooked up to a giant amplifier that he had stolen from Dr. Emmett Brown. All eight of the Koopa Kids stood to one side of him with the prisoners on the other side. "Kids," he announced, "on the way over here, I took the liberty of writing a song to go along with the Doom Dancer's tune. It was pretty easy to do, since I already had the melody to work with. After all, like that nitwit in '101 Dalmatians' said, 'Music first, lyrics second!'" He handed each of his kids a sheet of paper. "Memorize these words and recite it when their cues come."

Roy stated the lyrics on his sheet questionably. "'King Koopa, he is so cool / Mario, he is a fool'? Uh, King Dad, you just ripped dis off from Dr. Robotnik. In fact, you just crossed out _his_ name and wrote yours over it!"

"Whoops, w-wrong paper! Gimmie that!" Bowser took the paper that Roy was holding and replaced it with a correct sheet. "Now then... _Do the Koopa!_"

The Koopalings (and Bowser Jr.) started kicking their feet up and moving around as if they were dancing, all the while singing the song that Bowser had written for them. I'm not going to bother typing the lyrics, because I'm sure you can find on at least one Mario-centric website somewhere, but at least it was safe to say that Bowser wasn't simply taking "Do the Mario" and rewriting the lyrics to match himself. (And that's more than I can say for Catty Carlisle.) Down below, everybody and his brother was getting caught up in Bowser's song-and-dance thanks to his giant amp - the people of the Mushroom Kingdom, Desert Hill, Ocean Side, Big Island, Sky Land, Iced Land, the Pipe Maze, Subcon, Sarasaland, Dinosaur Land, Star Road, Jewelry Land, Kongo Bongo Island, Rosetown, Moleville, Seaside Town, Isle Delfino, the Beanbean Kingdom, Rogueport, Vibe Island, and maybe a few other locations I didn't list there were stuck dancing to that stupid song.

And of course, up on the Doomship, the Mario Bros. and Princess Peach, and even the minions inside the brig, were scrambling their feet due to the Doom Dancer's effects. Once the Koopalings had finished stretching their vocal chords, Bowser slowered his cranking a bit. "Playing this thing is hard work! My arm is getting tired!"

At that point, Mario whispered to Luigi, "Hey Weege, do you still have those pig-hormones you said you sprayed yourself with?"

"Yeah," Luigi handed the spray can to his brother, "but I don't see how it's going to help us in this predicament, seeing how Bowser's nose is stuffed up right now."

"It's not what you think, Luigi. I have a plan." Mario danced over to his archenemy.

"So, Mario, are you ready to bow down and kiss my feet?" gloated Bowser.

"_Hah!_ No chance am I succumbing to your feet fetish, Koopa!" Mario jumped up and sprayed pig-hormones in Bowser's eyes.

"Aaaaaugh! My eyes!" Bowser dropped the Doom Dancer and covered his eyes. "You got pig-hormone spray in my eyes, you butthead!"

Mario unhooked the Doom Dancer from Bowser's giant amp and picked it up himself. "Aha! The tables have turned, Koopa! You're under _my_ control now!"

"Wait, Mario!" Luigi called. "He can't hear it, remember?"

"Well then... at least his _minions_ are under my control! Dance, Koopalings! Dance!" Mario played the Doom Dancer's tune in the direction of the Koopalings and made them dance. "This is for all those traps you made me go through in your airships and castles! Especially _yours_, Kootie Pie!"

"Don't call me Kootie Pie!" cried Wendy as she tapped her toes.

"Yeah! Hahaha!" Mario cackled like mad. "Now I know why Sonic loves to humiliate Robotnik like this - it's _fun!!_ Isn't that right, Luigi? Luigi?" He looked back at his companions.

Luigi was dancing uncontrollably too. "Uh, am I supposed to answer 'That's _Mama_ Luigi to you'?"

"You guys are dancing to this thing too?!" Mario was surprised.

Peach also was stuck in tune to the Doom Dancer. "I forgot this thing would affect everyone except the person controlling it!"

Mario stopped to think. _I don't believe it. This Doom Dancer, as the Princess said, could very well bring the end of King Koopa's reign of terror, provided of course he were able to hear it. But at the same time, it's put my friends in the same kind of trance that we planned to put the Koopas in. If I were to unleash this device... Oh, I'd be just as bad as Bowser! Or even worse, as bad as Bloo!! I can't let that happen!_ "I FORSAKE THIS!" Mario hollered, and with that, he threw the Doom Dancer over the edge of the Doomship.

By that moment, Bowser had shaken the pig-hormone spray out of his eyes just in time to see his nemesis tossing the music box. The Koopa King ran for the side of the ship and tried, without success, to grab the Doom Dancer. "No-ho-ho-hoooo!" he whimpered as it smashed to pieces right on the head of a Goomba that had been standing there for no given reason whatsoever. Bowser got so angry that steam came bursting out of his ears, and he began uttering various roars of nonsense before finally pointing at his kids and yelling, "Grrrrr... this is all _your_ fault, kids! Except you, Princie, since you're my favorite, and except you, Lemmy, since I know you're a blithering idiot!"

"Wait a minute, how is dis _our_ fault?!" Roy bit. "Mario's da one who threw it over da edge!"

"Shut up, Bully!" Bowser spat. "If you've never seen me angry before, you're gonna see it now!"

"I've seen you angry before, King Dad." Larry walked for the door to the ship's cabin. "Let me know when it's time to go home."

Peach and Luigi had stopped dancing as well. "Mario!" the former objected. "Why did you do _that?!_"

"Princess, there are some things in this world man was not meant to tamper with, powerful jukeboxes being one of them. For everything else, there's MasterCard." Mario explained. "Now then, I think _this_ is our cue to exit!"

Luigi followed his brother off of the Doomship. "Heh, lucky for us that ol' Bowser decided to park the Doomship right above your castle, eh, Princess?"

Once they had touched down, though, Mario suddenly yelled, "_Aw, dammit!_ I just realized we could've donated that thing to a museum!"

Peach put her hand to her chin. "You know, guys, I have this strange feeling we've forgotten something..."

0-0-0

Back at the Mushroom Kingdom library...

"Whaddaya mean I can't check dis book out?!" Toad hollered at the librarian, who shushed him along with the other Toads. "I've checked out books here before!"

"Correction - the Princess checked them out for you," the librarian explained. "But she's not with you this time, so unless you want to register your own library card, you'll just have to wait for her."

"Aaaah, I've got enough memberships online," Toad scoffed. "I'll just wait for her to show up."

* * *

Yeah, so I left Toad behind this chapter. But considering that he was of little help in the actual episode (I counted only two lines of dialogue from him), the outcome probably wouldn't have been any different if he _did_ come along; besides, I found it would be funnier to have him stay in the library. Don't mind in the actual episode, only Luigi and Peach went to the library while Mario and Toad presumably stayed back at his boarding house. And of course, Luigi never had Johnny Bravo's pig-hormone spray outside of this parody. Does it really matter, though, if it made you laugh? See you next chapter, in which Toad won't appearing at all (and neither will Peach). And another thing...

_Happy Mario Day!_


	10. Misadventure of Mighty Plumber

And so, with Mario's former rival Sonic having entered the realm of multi-disc DVD box sets (in the NTSC region, that is) and the release of Super Paper Mario drawing closer, we come to the final quarter of _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2_. OK, so maybe it's a bit late for that introductory sentence, since both of those items are out by now (heck, I've already beaten Super Paper Mario by now!). I had wanted to post this chapter along with the last one for Mario Day, but production on this one got a bit slow. Then I figured posting it on April 9th for Super Paper Mario's release, but it still wasn't ready by then. But I've finished it now, so better late than never, here's the tenth chapter. And since we're entering the final quarter of the fanfic, I've started this episode off with something different.

* * *

**Previously on _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2_...**

_"Mario," confessed Peach, "I think I'm pregnant, and Waluigi's the father!"_

_Bowser splattered against the wall. "Who... who are you?"_

_The buff-suited assailant stepped out of the shadows. "You can call me... Tatanga!"_

_"Never heard of you." Bowser wiped his nose._

_From the bottom of Vista Hill, Bowser and the Koopalings watched as his castle was blown to smithereens. "I'll get that alien!" the Koopa King swore._

_"Mario," confessed Peach, " I think I'm pregnant, and Tryclyde's the father!"_

_"Fawful!" Mario fingered. "So _you're _the one who shot Toadette!"_

_Fawful cackled his trademark laugh. "Yes, _I _am the one who pulled the trigger on the gun that sent the bullet that knocked your dear friend into the realm of unconsciousness. And that bullet will now be the mustard of her doom!" he grinned evilly._

_"What you mean, cut blue wires!?" Yoshi screamed into his microphone. "They _all _blue wires!"_

_"Don't you understand?!" Luigi screamed, pointing to the bed-laden King Toadstool. "He's never coming out of that coma!" Peach promptly slapped him in response._

_Toad pulled up in front of the building and ran toward it. "I just hope I'm not too late to--" But before he could finish, the building exploded right before his eyes. Toad dropped on his knees. "_NOOOO!!!! _DIDDY KONG!!!!"_

_"Mario," confessed Peach, " I think I'm pregnant, and Stanley the Bugman is--"_

_"No freakin' way." Mario interrupted._

_"OK, I lied about that one," the Princess admitted._

_"It's me, Foreman Spike. And this time, Mario, you don't stand a ghost of a chance!" And with that, Foreman Spike activated his explosives._

_The Mushroom Castle burned down, fell over, and sank into its own moat._

_Mario comforted Peach as she cried on his shoulder. "Don't worry, Princess. We'll build you a new castle; one that's... exactly like the old one!"_

**And now, the thrilling conclusion! Wait a minute, did any of that stuff actually happen?**

**"Misadventure of Mighty Plumber"**

Today in the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario and Luigi were once again spending their free time at Toad's House. And not only were they under the misconception that their little buddy was running a boarding house, but they also thought it was okay for them to come in and watch his TV while he wasn't home, because that's just what they were doing. Well, right at this moment, Mario was the one sitting in front of the TV. And while he was doing so, he was patting his hands on his knees in rapid succession while constantly repeating "Pat pat pat", until finally he threw his arms up in the air and screamed, "Blast off!!"

Luigi entered at that moment, having just gone to the bathroom. "What the--? Mario, are you watching 'Little Einsteins'?!"

"Uh... no!" Mario grabbed the nearby remote and started changing channels. "I was just flipping through the channels!"

"Uh-huh, sure." Luigi scoffed. "You totally weren't waiting for Leo & June to start making out."

"Hey, it still beats 'Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends'."

"Good point."

Mario kept flipping through the channels until finally he came to a stop. "Oh hey, check it out, Luigi! It's the Adventures of Mighty Plumber! My second-favorite plumbing-based superhero, right behind Dirk Drain-Head, and the one that the both of us like!"

On the TV, the Mario Bros. could see a woman, apparently in her late 40s, in a typical kitchen that was actually a set in a studio somewhere. But that wasn't what was really making her kitchen an oddity. There was an icky khaki-colored substance coming from out of the sink, and the woman reacted to this by screaming in the direction of the camera as if that was going to help. The sights and sounds of this was enough to make Luigi squeal in fright and jump behind Toad's other TV-watching chair.

"Sheesh, Weege!" Mario looked at his cowering brother. "If I'd known you'd get this tense, I never would have smuggled this Real World TV into the Mushroom Kingdom!"

At that, Luigi came out from behind the chair. "Mario, this _isn't_ a TV from Earth. It's just Toad's TV; all _you_ did was talk him into subscribing to DirecTV!"

"Hey, it allows us to watch 'Mighty Plumber' here in the Mushroom Kingdom, doesn't it? After all, you're too cheap to install TiVo in our _own_ house, Mr. Moneybags," said Mario, making an odd reference to his anime movie.

Luigi turned his attention back to the woman on the TV. "Don't just stand there yellin' at the screen, lady! Call Mighty Plumber! Or HAZMAT. Either one's good."

"I'll call Mighty Plumber," the lady on the TV said, as if she had somehow heard Luigi's advice, "since the script calls for me to do so!" And with that, she picked up the phone. Behind her, the icky substance, having somehow morphed into some sort of evil slime thingy, stood behind her and expanded his molecules like a croaking frog.

"Gee, Mario, do you think Mighty Plumber will be able to save the lady from the monster?" Luigi asked stupidly.

"Of course he will, Weege!" answered Mario. "The only reason he wouldn't do it would be if this episode ended on a cliffhanger!"

0-0-0

Over at his castle, that ever-scheming mastermind behind most of the Mushroom Kingdom's non-RPG troubles, Bowser Koopa, was doing jumping jacks. He was making good time when Morton and Roy came in.

"Oh look, my good brother," Roy pointed. "King Dad is having another temper tantrum."

"Let's have a temper tantrum along with him!" Morton started stomping his feet along with his dad, pulling on his eyebrows and screaming, "I hate those Loonatics so much! They're a total mockery of Looney Tunes! Hell, they're a total mockery of Warner Bros. Animation in general! I'd rather jump off a cliff into a pile of Goomba dung than buy their DVD sets!" His spiel was suddenly interrupted by a bunch of identical hardcover books that Bowser dropped on him. They must've been encyclopedias.

"Knock it off, you knucklehead!" cried Bowser. "I'm not having a temper tantrum, I'm exercising! Didn't you hear my Richard Simmons tape?" He held out the walkman that he had been listening to. "But now that you mention it, I _do_ have a good reason to be ticked off right now. I just found a map that I could use to rob the Royal Coin Treasury of Pipe Land."

Morton climbed out from under the encyclopedias. "Don't you mean the Pipe Maze?"

"Same thing! But every time I try to steal something or kidnap someone or take over some kingdom, Mario comes and ruins my plans! I haven't been this upset since the day I was kicked out of the Air Pirates."

_"Now let me get this straight-pointed, Bowzer," said Don Karnage. "You flew at ze Cape Suzette gunners, in a heli-vessel painted like a clown face, yes-no?"_

_"Yes, Captain Karnage," Bowser admitted. "It's my Koopa Clown Car!"_

_"You _estupido _eediot!" Karnage hollered. "You blew our cover! You are a total disgrace to my band of Air Pirates!"_

_Bowser sweatdropped. "Does that mean I can't come to the company picnic?"_

Back in the present, Bowser put his hand to his chin. "I gotta find some way to get rid of that damn plumber. Hmmmm... I wonder if King Dedede's Monster Transporter still works..."

Just then, Bowser Jr. ran in, whining, "Papa Bowser! I wanna try out Wii Play, but Larry won't let me use the TV!"

Bowser sighed. "As if I didn't have enough problems already. Stay right there, Princie; I'll go have a talk with Cheatsy."

In the room where his TV was situated, Larry Koopa was standing in front of said idiot box. "'Available at your Toys R Us store,' they say. Screw going to Toys R Us! Heck, screw buying it on the website, even! I can just zap whatever I want off of the TV! I feel sorry for the kids who don't have magic wands like me." And with that, he pointed his wand at his TV, which at the moment was displaying an F-1 Racer. The racecar clumsily jumped out into Larry's room, but the young Koopaling didn't mind the bad entrance, 'cause now he had wheels of his own.

If that car was a toy car, though, it must've been solar-powered, 'cause it took off right into the hallway before Larry could get inside it. Bowser was walking down the hallway when the racecar came right at him and plowed him down onto the floor. Peeling himself off of said floor, he stomped into Larry's room and picked up his second-youngest offspring by his hair.

"All right, Cheatsy, you've definitely got some explaining to do _this_ time!" King Koopa ordered. "Your only little brother just told me you wouldn't let him have the TV, and I object greatly to that! You _know_ that he outranks you around here! And furthermore, I assume you also have something to do with that racecar that just ran me over!"

Larry gulped. "You got me dead to rights, pop. I just zapped it out of the TV!"

Speaking of Larry's TV, at that moment, "The Adventures of Mighty Plumber" had just come back from its commercial break. The woman who had called Mighty Plumber was still screaming at the camera, but now it looked as though the kitchen set where she was acting had now changed to look like the interior of Bowser's Castle. But then the camera pulled back to get a good look at the slime monster she was cowering from, and suddenly the actual kitchen set was back.

Just then, a fake door on the studio set was broken down, and in stepped a man, about as tall as Bowser, who looked as though he apparently shopped at the same clothing store as Indiana Jones. This, obviously, was Mighty Plumber. "Mighty Plumber to the rescue! Stronger than a speeding plunger!" he boasted, despite the obvious fact that plungers don't have any velocity. Tying into that particular clause, he threw an actual plunger with an attached rope to the studio's striped ceiling. He then proceeded to rip off Tarzan and spirit the lady away from the slime monster dude. "More powerful than a pipe wrench!" he continued to boast upon landing, despite the actual fact that pipe wrenches can't work on their own. He jumped at the slime monster and proclaimed that he was "able to snag disgusting drain clogs with a flick of the wrist." However, by this time, the slime monster had gotten so sick of Mighty Plumber's babbling that he decided to leave.

Bowser, Larry, and Bowser Jr. (who had walked in during their conversation) had been watching this. At this point, Bowser snapped his fingers. "That's it! I'll beat Mario _and_ Lugia, or whatever his brother's name is, at their own game!"

"You mean you're going to go on your own platforming adventure?" Larry inquired. "That'd be awesome, King Dad!"

Bowser snatched Larry's wand out of his grasp. "No, I'm gonna trick Mighty Plumber into helping me send Mario down the drain!"

"But papa," Bowser Jr. pointed, "Mighty Plumber's not a real actor. He's just a character being played by an actor in a studio somewhere."

"Oh no? Just watch!" Bowser threw Larry aside and then zapped at Mighty Plumber's image on the TV. Immediately, the dude was pulled right into the room. Before Mighty Plumber even had a chance to ask where the hell he was, Bowser began to make his point. "Mighty Plumber! Have I got a job for you!"

"You'll have to wait your turn. I've got a leaky kitchen to fix." Mighty Plumber, who didn't seem to be the least bit fazed about being pulled out of his own world (and who sounded like Adam West), pointed at the TV. Somehow, the kitchen set was now flooded, and the woman was again screaming at the camera as she expected its operator to come help.

"Aaaah, she can wait!" Bowser turned the TV off. "This is more important! This is an emergency of uh, gastronomical proportions! Two evil midget plumbers from Dimension X are out to steal Pipe Land's Coin Treasury, and I, Bowser Koopa, am the only one who can stop them. But I can't do it alone. In spite of the masses of minions-- uh, _helpers_ I have under my command, I've brought you here to help me combat those evil midget plumbers and safely transport the Coins here, to my castle, where they'll be safe."

"Evil midget plumbers, eh?" Mighty Plumber struck a flamboyant pose. "Well, don't you worry, good sir. Those miscreants won't be stealing any currency when Mighty Plumber gets through with them! To the-- oh, wait, I don't have the Plumbermobile here, do I?"

"Not to worry. We can take _my_ vehicle." Bowser pointed in the direction of his garage. "And it's a heli-vessel, so it'll cover more ground than _your_ vehicle could."

"Smart move!" Mighty Plumber ran off where Bowser was pointing. "To the Plumbercopter!"

"It's called the Koopa Clown Car!" Bowser called after him, and then spoke back to his own protégé. "See, Princie? He's just like Adam West. He thinks he's the actual character whom he's playing."

"Whatever." Bowser Jr. sighed and walked off. "You have your fun, papa. I'll be ranting about this in my blog."

0-0-0

Back at Toad's House, the Mario Bros. were in a bit of a pickle. By some Dues Ex Machina-like coincidence, Toad's TV had shorted out.

Mario banged on it. "Stupid old-model TV! I told Toadie to upgrade to HD, but he never listens to me!"

"What a gyp!" Luigi leaned towards Toad's window. "Now we're gonna miss the part where Mighty Plumber saves the lady from the flooding kitchen. Of course, I know that because we clearly saw this episode before, so it doesn't really matter now."

"Well, I'm not gonna sit here starin' at a blank screen all day; I'm gonna do something about this!" Mario headed for the door. "C'mon, Weege; let's go play Poohsticks."

Suddenly, just as Mario was passing by Luigi, a Piranha Plant stuck his head in the window and spat a flaming rock right into the house. The Marios barely had time to duck before the piece of searing hot stone lodged itself on the wall behind them.

Luigi stood back up. "Notes being sent by flaming rocks!? I guess Toad wasn't kidding about his rent-paying troubles."

"Luigi, look!" Mario pointed at the note and took it down from the wall. "It's from Bowser. 'Dear pesky plumbers'... Hmmm, why do I get the feeling I've done this before? 'The Koopalings and I are going to rob the Pipe Maze's Coin Treasury. Well, actually, just me; the Koopalings will be staying home this time. But anyway, I dare ya to stop me if ya can! Sincerely, King Koopa.' He's really slipping, Weege. Even Dr. Robotnik isn't stupid enough to announce his plans like this. Wait a minute, it goes on." Mario continued to read the note, becoming angry as he did so. "'P.S. I also cordially invite you to the marriage ceremony of Princess Peach to me at the Pipe Maze. RSVP if you wish to attend and/or stop the event.' Why that sublime bucket of slime!" He tore the note in half. "He's attempting to marry the Princess again! And I'll bet _he's_ the one who got her pregnant, and he did it so that she'd be _forced_ to marry him! It's _soooo_ obvious!"

"Mario, she's _not_ pregnant! That was just a gag in that soap opera opening." Luigi frowned. "Besides, I just spoke with her on the phone, and she told me that Bowser hasn't invaded her castle once this week. And what about that crater? Toad's not gonna be happy when he comes home and sees that on his wall."

"Come, faithful sidekick!" Mario declared, ignoring his brother's intervention. "We must stop that shotgun marriage, even if it means using firepower ourselves!"

And so, the Mario Bros. began the journey from Toad's House to the Pipe Maze. At first, they went into Toad's garage and hotwired his car. But after realizing it was too small for the both of them to fit, they simply headed back to their own house to get out one of their own cars. Since they supposedly were trying to save Peach from what DiC's marketing department called "the ultimate nightmare", Mario felt they needed to get there quickly, so they chose to use the Green Fire.

0-0-0

Later that day, Bowser and Mighty Plumber had landed the Koopa Clown Car outside of a castle-like structure somewhere in the Land of Pipes. The end boss with the surname Koopa looked at his map. "According to the map, this is the entrance to the Underground Maze of Pipes where the Treasury is hidden," he stated.

"For what reason do you need that map if you're the one who's trying to protect the currency you told me about?" Mighty Plumber inquired.

"Hey, my oldest son's the only one of us who's been here before," Bowser answered. "He's the one who told me that the Treasury was in danger. Now then, can you get it open?" He pointed to the entrance tube. A big green cork was lodged in it.

"Have no worries, good citizen! Mighty Plumber will handle this!" Mighty Plumber walked up to the entrance tube and used a wrench as big as his own head to open it up. Clean blue water came blasting out and splashed all over Bowser's body, during which it somehow transformed into dirty brown water.

Bowser growled for a moment as the water changed back to blue. "Aaaah, I think I'll wait outside," he said, despite the fact that they were already outside. Walking a safe distance away from Mighty Plumber, the Koopa King leaned against a pipe in the background and said to himself, "Boy, have I got Mighty Plumber conned! I wonder what I'll buy with all those Coins. An ocean liner? A refurnished DeLorean? A Nintendo Wii with Blu-ray capability? The entire collection of 'Star Trek' DVDs?"

It was at that point that Mario and Luigi drove up. "All right, Bowser! We gotcha cornered!" Mario hollered, jumping out of the Green Fire. "Let the Princess go, and we won't get nasty!"

Bowser laughed like Kirk Douglas. "I knew that fake wedding invitation would lure you here! As you can see, there's no marriage ceremony between me and the Princess going on here. I just wrote that 'cause I knew it would make you come after me."

"Really?" Mario looked surprised.

"I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen," Luigi tormented. "You should really listen to me more often, Mario."

"Well, you still made a mistake sending us that letter in the first place, Koopa!" Mario regained his posture. "We know you're going to rob the Pipe Maze Coin Treasury, and we're at least gonna stop you from doing _that!_"

"Tell that to my new partner!" Bowser gloated.

"Partner?" Luigi was confused. "I thought you said you were doing this by yourself!"

"Your new partner? Who's that?" Mario was curious, so he took a guess. "Wario?"

"No..." Bowser answered coolly.

"Captain Syrup?" The short plumber guessed again.

"No..."

"Lex Luthor?"

"No."

"The Kingpin?"

"No."

"The Phantom Blot?"

"No."

"The Great Pumpkin?"

Bowser sighed. "No."

"Bill Clinton?"

"No."

"Michael Eisner?"

"No!"

"Jamie Kellner?"

"No!"

"Martha Stewart?"

"No!!"

"Fred Fredburger?"

"Hell no! Even _I_ can't stand that guy!" Bowser screamed.

"Well, if it's none of those guys, then who is it?!" Mario was desperate to know.

"Why doncha see for yourself!" Bowser whistled, and Mighty Plumber came walking up.

"Did you call for me, good sir?" he asked.

Mario gasped. "Holy crap, it's Mighty Plumber!"

"Mighty Plumber? In person?" Luigi got out of his car. "You mean, _this_ was your master plan for today, Bowser? To set us up to meet our favorite TV superhero? I guess you're not such a bad guy after all!"

"Mighty Plumber! Those are the evil midget plumbers I told you about!" Bowser pointed to the Mario Bros.

"Evil midget plumbers?" Luigi looked around. "Where?!"

"So _you're_ the ones out to steal this fair kingdom's legal tender!" Mighty Plumber swung his plunger like a sword. "You traitors are a disgrace to my profession!"

"What?!" Mario was outraged. "What the hell are you talking about, Mighty Plumber?! We're not traitors! I mean, sure, we haven't gotten many plumbing jobs since we landed in the Mushroom Kingdom, but that doesn't mean we've betrayed the code of the Plumbers' Academy! You sound like you're accusing a cartoon reviewer of slander when he hasn't really said anything that could even be considered libel!"

"Don't listen to 'em, Mighty Plumber!" Bowser called. "They're big-time crooks! Not to mention they like to vandalize tennis tournament billboards!"

Getting even angrier, Mighty Plumber lunged at the Mario Bros., who quickly jumped over him.

Mario put his arms out. "No! I'm telling the truth here, Mighty Plumber! Besides," he continued, "you're our hero! We talked our friend Toad into installing TiVo so we could watch your show!"

"That's a nice excuse, little man, but it's not good enough!" Mighty Plumber prepared to strike again. "Once I've sent you to prison, tell the Toilenator I said hello!"

The Marios barrel-rolled under their distraught hero. "Hoo boy, it doesn't like we'll be able to shake him right now!" Luigi muttered. "We need a distraction of some sort."

Just then, as if on cue, Pepper Mills rushed in from out of nowhere, approaching Mighty Plumber. She giggled her trademark fangirlish laugh. "Ah ha hah-ha-haa!! It's you! I can't believe it's really you! You are the cooly-coolest superhero ever!! Oh, can I have your autograph, please please pleeease?!?"

Bowser glared at the hyperactive teenager. "What the hell do you think you're doing here!? We're kind of in the middle of something right now."

But Mighty Plumber went and wrote his signature in Pepper's autograph book. "Of course, Little Missy. I'm all for the fans."

"Oh, thank you, thank you!" Pepper giggled as Mighty Plumber finished up his signing and handed the book back to her. But then she looked at the autograph and complained, "Hey, you're not Batman! Ripoffski!"

"_Security!!_" Bowser hollered, and at once, a quartet of Koopa Troopas rushed in, grabbed Pepper, and took off with her.

Mighty Plumber looked around. "Curses! Those turncoat plumbers have escaped!" It was true. While he was busy signing autographs, the Mario Bros. had leaped into one of the nearby pipes.

"Never mind that!" said Bowser. "We'll surely run into them again soon. Right now, we gotta focus on moving those Coins to my castle before those two steal 'em! Did you finish opening that front gate?"

0-0-0

Down in the underground part of the Pipe Maze, the Mario Bros. were wading through a shallow path of water. "I can't believe Mighty Plumber would be such a jerk to us!" Mario huffed, not noticing his hair was suddenly black. "Is this because I pointed out all of his factual errors online?"

"No, Mario!" Luigi corrected. "Didn't you hear him say something about us 'stealing this kingdom's legal tender'? Obviously, he thinks _we're_ the bad guys!"

"Uh, right! I knew that," Mario fibbed.

"And Koopa's message _did_ say he was going to rob the treasury here."

"Then that must be where he's taking Mighty Plumber!" Mario deduced. "We'll have to find him and make him see his mistake."

"But won't it be proof enough if Bowser actually makes it there and steals the Coins right under Mighty Plumber's nose?"

"Ummm..." Mario didn't know how to answer that, so he simply said, "No."

"Anyway, which way are we supposed to go?" Luigi pointed in front of them. There were a fork in the road, and by that, I mean there were two pipes leading in different directions.

"Simple as pizza pie, Luigi! Look!" Mario pointed at the leftmost pipe. There was a big arrow-shaped sign over it that read "The Easy Way". "This pipe is clearly the preferable direction."

"Don't you think that's a little suspicious-looking?"

"Hey, it's either this or I make a bad joke. Let's go!"

The Marios went through the easy-labeled pipe and landed in another room. Luckily, it didn't seem to matter which of the two preceding pipes they picked, because they both apparently led to this room. Looking down another pipe that happened to be located in this room, they could hear Bowser saying, "The treasury can't be much further! But I'd better check the map, just in case."

"He's got a map?!" said Mario. "What did he do, go to the VGMaps website and print out all their maps of this world?"

"Y'know, I just realized, if Mighty Plumber succeeds in helping Koopa, it'll get him arrested for sure!" Luigi pointed out. "They'll throw him in jail and cancel his show! Or take it off the air since it's already cancelled."

"Do you mean that he'll be arrested here, or in the Real World?" Mario asked.

"Dammit, Mario!" Luigi held his head. "Stop making me think!"

"But not to worry, we can save Mighty Plumber the shame. He can't steal the treasury if _we_ get to it first!"

Luigi gasped. "Mario! Are you saying we must live up to the lie King Koopa has tricked him into believing?"

"No, Luigi, that's not what I meant at all! What I mean is that we gotta grab Koopa's map. He can't get to the treasury without it!"

"But what if he buys the strategy guide?"

"We'll cross _that_ bridge when we come to it. Lemmie tell you my plan for _now._" Mario pointed to the two pipes behind them. "I've somehow figured out that there's a Piranha Plant in the pipe we didn't go through. I want you to go lure him out of there so we can use him like a crane."

"Wait, why do _I_ have to do it?!" Luigi griped.

"Because it's the sidekick thing to do!" Mario slapped Luigi's back and then said to himself, "Sucker."

Luigi walked up to the "Hard Way" pipe and yelled down into it. "Yo, Piranha Plant! I have an embarrassing photo of you in fourth grade that I'm going to post on MySpace!"

"WHAT!?" The Piranha Plant lunged out and attempted to devour Luigi. Luckily, Mario was able to grab the Piranha Plant by the stem, and besides, his teeth were rather dull. He then attached let the Piranha Plant bite onto the posterior of Luigi's pants.

"Sheesh, remind me again why _I'm_ the sidekick here?" Luigi winced.

Despite the several feet of distance between the two pipes, Mario was able to drag the Piranha Plant all the way over to the other one. He proceeded to lower Luigi down through it and right above Bowser's head. The Koopa King, still checking his map, somehow didn't sense he was there. So much for reptilian brainpower.

But then Luigi's pants ripped apart to reveal he wasn't wearing any underwear underneath (which I guess explains why it looks like he's wearing his pants right into his buttcrack in back shots), and he tumbled right on top of Bowser.

"You okay down there, Weege?" Mario called from above.

"Help! I'm a plumber and I can't get up!" Luigi cried.

Mario rolled his eyes in disgust and jumped down after him (during which his shoes turned blue), landing right on his nemesis. "Hate to eat and run, Koopa, but we gotta motor!" He snatched the map out of Bowser's hand and took off with Luigi.

"Ugh! Those two again!? They're even more monotonous than the average mini-boss!" Bowser called to the nearby Mighty Plumber, who had just been standing there for no reason in the past thirty seconds. "Get them, Mighty Plumber! They stole my map!"

"You don't need to tell me, good citizen; I saw it with my own eyes." Mighty Plumber stated. "But don't you worry; I'll get that map back to us or my name isn't Jerry Martini III! Uh, which it isn't, of course!" _Phew,_ he thought, _almost revealed my secret identity there._

_Hmmm... should I tell Mighty Plumber that, thanks to Larry's continuous blabbering about him all the time, I know all his secrets?_ Bowser thought when he heard that.

A song about killing (courtesy of those strange unidentifiable singing voices) suddenly started up for no reason as the Mario Bros. ran for a river that happened to be running nearby. And luckily for them, there was a loose pipe they decided to use as a raft. Close behind, Mighty Plumber pulled a grate off the bottom of a "?" Block so he and Bowser would have a raft too. Since they were in the sewers and not a mountain, they contended not with rapids but with fire-spewing Piranha Plants, one of whom actually burned Bowser's tail. He was able to put it out by breathing on it, even those he was a fire-breather himself. Soon after that, Mighty Plumber used his extend-o-matic Plumber's Snake to steal the map back from Luigi, even though Mario had been the one holding it.

"Aw, shoot," Luigi muttered.

Mighty Plumber then threw his roped plunger at the ceiling, and he and Bowser swung into a purple pipe that only appeared right when it seemed they were going to crash into the wall. The Marios, on the other hand, went over a waterfall, but again, it wasn't fatal since they weren't in a mountain area. Nearby, there was a grating at the top of a ladder. Climbing up said ladder, Mario easily opened up the very loose grating.

"Look!" he shouted once they had crawled through the grate. "Plumber prints and Koopa prints! Mighty Plumber and King Koopa must've stepped in bleach! Come on!"

Way up ahead, Bowser and Mighty Plumber approached a vaulted door. "There it is!" Bowser cried with ecstasy. "The Pipe Land Treasury vault! Okay, big guy, break down the door!"

"Hmmm." Mighty Plumber observed the door. "It's a vaulted door that's already shut. Are you sure the money in here really needs _your_ protection?"

"I said, break it down!"

"If you say so." Instead of actually breaking the door down, though, Mighty Plumber simply turned the vault handle with his giant wrench.

Once the door was open, Bowser stupidly threw his map away and ran in laughing like mad. He admired the piles of Coins that sat in front of him. "At last! All the gold Coins in Pipe Land are mine! All mine! _ALL MINE!!_" After pointing at himself several times, he proceeded to dive into the Coins and swim through them like they were water. "I love to dive around in 'em like a porpoise, and burrow through 'em like a gopher, and toss 'em up and let them hit me on the head!" he said as he did all of those things.

"Uh, sir, how does _this_ protect the money from those evil midget plumbers?" Mighty Plumber asked.

Ignoring his companion's question, Bowser jumped out of the Coin piles and then zapped some of them into his bag. Yes, some of the Coins, not _all_ of them. He's being rather lazy, don't you think? Then, suddenly, for no reason, water came pouring out of a pair of pipes situated on the walls above them.

At that point, Mighty Plumber had turned invisible, but he then reappeared to state the obvious. "Uh-oh. Friend, we seem to have sprung a leak. We'd better take care of it first."

"Screw you, man!" Bowser headed out the door and shut it tight. "Those midget plumbers aren't the thieves; _I_ am!"

"What?!" Mighty Plumber was shocked. He attempted to loosen the vault handle, but couldn't do so.

Up above, the Mario Bros. had been watching from a window-hole in the ceiling. "See, Mighty Plumber? We were on _your_ side the whole time! We tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen!" Mario explained.

"You're right; _I'm_ the one who's a disgrace to my profession!" Mighty Plumber looked glum. "I let that slimy reptile trick me. I should just retire and change my name to Mighty Fisherman!"

"You can't!" Luigi objected. "If you do, it'll mess up the formula of your TV show! Believe me, your writers do _not_ want to write up a new theme song just 'cause you changed your profession."

"Besides, you're our hero!" Mario added. "You taught us everything we know! Well, actually, no you didn't, but we did get some good tricks of the trade out of your show."

"Yeah, like the battering ram trick in episode 23!" said Luigi. "Allow us to demonstrate."

Mario and Luigi jumped into the flooding room, picked up a loose pipe that wasn't there before, and shoved it right into the pipe from which the water was pouring. By a stroke of luck, that pouring pipe was opposite the door. And unlike that thing with the volcano back in "Misadventures in Babysitting", the laws of pressure physics did their thing, and the door was soon blasted down.

"Okay, fellow drain surgeons! We have a job to do!" Mighty Plumber led the way out. "MIGHTY PLUMBER, _HO!!_"

"Hmmm, that was a pretty easy pep talk!" said Luigi to his brother. "We didn't have to say anything after the demonstration."

Way up ahead, Bowser reached a pipe that would bring him back to his castle. "I don't believe it. I've actually won for once! This was almost too easy!"

It was at that point that Mighty Plumber and the Mario Bros. came up behind him. "Not so quickly, Bowser Koopa!" The former threw his roped plunger again, this time to hook Bowser's money bag.

"Ugh, so you finally figured out who's who around here, eh? Well, you're too late to stop me _this_ time!" Bowser cracked apart the plunger with his feet and then jumped down the pipe with his loot in tow.

"_This_ time?!" Mighty Plumber looked perplexed.

"He was talking to _us_, Mighty Plumber," Mario reminded. "We're the ones who always foil his plans."

"Well, it looks like he got away this time." Mighty Plumber stated the obvious again.

"Aah, that's nothing new for us," said Luigi.

"Well, _this_ time we're gonna really make Bowser's escape a washout!" Mario looked grim.

0-0-0

Bowser emerged back in Larry's room, holding the bag of Coins proudly. "I got 'em! I got 'em! Hmmm, whodathunk that pipe would bring me right back into my own son's room?" All the Koopalings except for Wendy and Bowser Jr. came up as their dad plopped the money bag on a table nearby. "Riches, boys, riches!" he bragged. "Think of what we could do with this money!"

"Yeah! With this, we could buy lots of comic books!" said Lemmy. "I'd especially like to pick up some old Dirk Drain-Head issues I've missed out on."

"And video games!" added Iggy.

"And DVD box sets!" contributed Morton.

"And Pokémon cards!" additionalized Roy.

"And--" Larry started to say.

"Oh, shut up!" Bowser dropped the bag on his second-youngest offspring. "Here Cheatsy, take the Coins to my vault. Surely even _you_ can't mess up that order."

Larry picked himself and the bag up. "We have a vault?!"

"Well, ya better do it now, Cheatsy." Roy pointed to the floor. "Da water's startin' to rise!"

Bowser looked at his now-flooded floor. "Oh crap! Don't tell me I left the bathtub running again!"

"It's not zat, pop!" Ludwig pointed to the pipe from which his paternal unit had entered. Water was flooding into the room from it. "Zat pipe iz flooding ze room!"

"Rats!" Bowser cried. "This can only mean one thing..."

"That's right!" Mario came out of the pipe, with Luigi and Mighty Plumber behind him. The three of them smacked right into Bowser and sent him falling down a trap door that was located in the middle of the room for no good reason. Mario dusted himself off. "Lucky thing there happened to be a water pipe directly opposite of the one Koopa went through, eh Luigi?"

"I hope she made lotsa spaghetti!" Luigi declared for no reason.

"There's the money!" Mighty Plumber pointed.

"You're too late to stop me, plumbers!" Larry lifted the bag over his shoulder, despite it being heavier than him. "The only way you guys are gonna save this money now is by shopping at the Koopamart!"

Ludwig frowned. "Do you know that you're retarded, Cheatsy?"

"That's what you think, Cheatskate!" Mario jumped right on Larry, and Luigi did the same. They both picked the young Koopaling up by his feet.

"Hey! Put me down!" Larry whined. "The blood's rushing to my head! Please have mercy!"

"After you've used your wand to put Mighty Plumber back in the TV world," Mario ordered, "_then_ we can talk about mercy!"

Larry gulped. "How did you know that it was _my_ wand that brought Mighty Plumber out of the TV?"

"Lucky guess," Mario answered. "Now do it!"

"Okay, okay." Larry was put back on his feet. "Keep your hats on; I don't want people to think I'm taking orders from a pair of nags."

Mighty Plumber ran up to the Marios. "You're sending me back to my world? Right now? But what about the Pipe Land Treasury?"

"Don't worry about it, Mighty Plumber!" Mario asserted. "Luigi and I will take care of it. Right now, you gotta get back to your show and save that lady in the kitchen!"

"Wait a minute," Luigi interrupted. "Given how much time has passed in the course of this episode, shouldn't Mighty Plumber's show be over by now?"

Mario stuffed a lupine in Luigi's mouth again and then put his hand on Mighty Plumber's shoulder. "Good luck back in your world, Mighty Plumber. And remember, if you ever need instructions, just check out the enclosed instruction book."

"I will, little man." Mighty Plumber replied.

"Okay, Cheatsy, do your stuff!" Mario commanded.

With that, Larry zapped Mighty Plumber and the television set. The former shrunk down to the size of the screen and jumped inside the latter.

Luigi looked at the bag of Coins, which Larry had dropped when they grabbed him. "Hmmm. Y'know, I just realized, Mario. Koopa didn't really steal _all_ of the Coins in the Treasury, just _this_ bagful. And given how much he left behind, and the fact that there didn't seem to be any guards in sight at the time, I kinda doubt the officials are gonna even notice these Coins are missing. You don't suppose maybe we could..."

"Keep the money for ourselves? Yeah, let's do that! But first, I got one more order of unfinished business to attend to." Mario took Larry's wand away from him, during which his shoes turned blue again. "And don't you _ever_ try to take Mighty Plumber off the air again, young man!"

"But I never intended to!" Larry griped. "I'm a big fan of Mighty Plumber! The last thing I'd want is for his show to go off the air!"

"Hmmm, not a good enough excuse!" Mario dismissed. "You don't get this wand back."

"Damn damn damn damn!" Larry stomped his feet. "Now I'll have to go back to getting toys the old-fashioned way - going all the way to the store to steal 'em!"

"Well, Luigi," said Mario as they walked off with the bag of Coins, "I'd have to say it's been a good day's work. Bowser's plans are foiled yet again, Mighty Plumber's back where he belongs, and we're slightly richer now!"

"Yeah," agreed Luigi. "Everything really worked out nicely!"

0-0-0

Meanwhile, back at his house, Toad was just coming home from the local electronics boutique with his new DVD recorder, only to find his car plowed right into his fence, a now-medium-heated rock on his living room wall, and his TV on when he had left it off at the time he left. Needless to say, he had one thing to say about all this:

"WHAT DA HELL HAPPENED HERE!?"

* * *

Okay, so I lied about Toad not appearing in this chapter. But how else was I going to close this chapter up when the closing scene of the original episode didn't have any gag potential? Besides, I still find it weird that Mario and Luigi spend so much time in his house on the show. By the way, on the subject of Bowser attempting to marry Peach, I need to express my discomfort about an earlier attempt he made at doing so, in the SMB Super Show episode "Do You Princess Toadstool Take This Koopa...?" Does anyone else find it awkward that Mario and Luigi could somehow tell Toad apart from the rest of the Mushroom People after they'd all been turned to spinach blocks? And why did they leave the rest of the Mushroom People to be stuck in that state while only Toad was allowed to be revived? Someone at DiC screwed up big time there. 


	11. Tag Team Trouble

As the last person who posted a review pointed out, it has been a long time since I posted a new installment to this. Well, let me apologize for the seven-month wait between the previous chapter and this one. I've been a bit distracted lately and barely worked on this particular episode in that time. So as you can guess, I didn't do much work on this chapter by the time the "Adventures of SMB3" DVD set came out, and I didn't even finish this in time for Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games or Super Mario Galaxy. But now, better late than never, here's...

* * *

**"Tag Team Trouble"**

As always, it seemed like yet another ordinary day in the Mushroom Kingdom. It's pretty difficult to write up opening paragraphs for these things without sounding repetitive, doesn't it? On this particular day, Princess Peach's go-to guy was hauling around a large bag that was about one-and-a-half times his own size and had three dollar signs drawn on it. Despite the fact that he was capable of running even faster when carrying something in Super Mario Bros. 2, Toad was straining to carry the bag of 1,000,000 Yellow Coins that the Princess had assigned him to carry.

Setting the bag down, Toad griped to himself, "Dat darn Mushroom Orphanage is so problematic! First we attend a benefit spaghetti dinner just to raise the money needed to build da place. Den we have to gather 100 Coins to _save_ the orphanage, and end up doing a parody of 'Jack and the Beanstalk' as a result. Now here I am, carryin' 10,000 dollars worth of Coins to the orphanage because da Princess told me to! Why couldn't she just fill dis bag up with dollar bills? Or even Blue Coins? Nooo, it had to be _Gold_ Coins, which are equivalent to pennies around here! Next time she wants me to do dis, I'm sending in my stunt double! Or my Player 2 counterpart from Wario's Woods!"

Not far away, old Bowser Koopa himself was walking along with what appeared to be a treasure map in hand. Accompanying him was the youngest of his original batch of children, Larry.

"Gee, King Dad," Larry said, "it sure is nice of you to allow me to join you on this treasure hunt that you're embarking on."

"Ya don't have to mention it, Cheatsy. After all, Princie's sick, and your older siblings are on vacation right now. I figured I could use you for support," Bowser said aloud. Then he said in his mind, _And cover the hard parts of this hunt so I don't have to._ Speaking aloud again, he continued, "Now just follow my lead, and we'll be rolling in easy money!"

The two Koopas didn't know that Toad was nearby, but he could see them clearly. Hearing them well, I'm not too sure about. "'Easy money'? Holy crap!!" Toad gasped. "Bowser must be plannin' to steal da money! Well, he won't be gettin' dis bag from _me_! I'm outta here!" And he scampered away with the moneybag.

Close by, a Piranha Plant watched Toad scampering. "That poor sap must be in a hurry to pay his taxes. Am I glad I live down here," he said before going back into his pipe.

The Piranha Plant wasn't the only one who was watching Toad, though. Close by, Larry saw the bag of Coins that Toad had on him, looked wide-eyed at the camera, and then ran up to tug on his father's tail. "Wait, King Dad! I just saw some even easier money than the treasure would give us!"

"Hush up, Cheatsy!" Bowser shushed his ward. "The key to successful treasure hunting is to not be daunted. Like my papa said, 'don't ever crack under pressure, unless you're playing a really frustrating game.'"

"But-but-but-but..." Larry started doing his impression of a motorboat before speaking up. "I'm not even sure if that really makes any sense. Anyway, we're missing out on a whole bag of moolah that could be in our possession right now!"

"Aw nuts, Cheatsy, now you made me lose count on how many steps I was supposed to take in this direction!" Bowser griped, and he put his hand on Larry's mouth to shut him up. "Have you been hanging out with Big Mouth a lot recently? Just for that, I'm not letting you have another look at the map. Now we gotta go back to that white background box and start counting our steps again."

"Sheesh, King Dad," Larry muttered under his breath, "you're about as moody as that gay guy in 'Avenue Q'."

0-0-0

A few minutes later, Toad was in front of the Mushroom Orphanage building, dragging the bag of cash behind him. Ringing the bell at the door, he muttered, "Boy, will I be glad to hand over all these Coins! Then it'll be da nanny's duty to haul it around! And a good thing too, 'cause I could use a rest right now." And with that, he fell asleep right on the bag. He didn't hear the door open up and two Mushroom orphans giggling at him.

The nanny of the place walked in front of the two orphans. "Now now, children, you mustn't laugh at Toad's expense. After all, these Coins he is giving to us is for a good cause. Without them, we'd have to close the orphanage down, and then you kids wouldn't be able to take part in your hallucinogenic fantasies." She then lifted Toad off of the bag and had the two kids help her lug the bag inside.

Toad's nap lasted for at least a half-hour or two. When he woke up, he rubbed his tummy, because that napping was making him hungry. But then he took a look at the ground in front of his lap and screamed, "Oh no! Da Coins! Dey're gone! And dere's only one despicable, inconsiderate jerk I know who would do something like steal Coins from an orphanage..."

0-0-0

"No, we didn't steal your stupid bag of Gold Coins!!" Waluigi barked. "If it had been a bag of Blue Coins, it would've been a different story. But not Gold Coins, since those are equal to crummy ol' pennies in this world. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go badger Wario into putting me in his next game." And with that, he slammed the door in Toad's face.

Toad started walking away from Wario's castle. "If Wario didn't steal da Coins... den it musta been da Koopas who stole it!! Bowser's just as despicable and inconsiderate a jerk as Wario!" His mood then switched from anger to worrysome. "Oh, but how am I going to explain this to Peach? Dose Coins were my responsibility! She probably won't be happy to hear dat I fell asleep on da job. I should just find a way to get another 10,000 dollars."

As he was leaving Wario's territory, he suddenly noticed a flier lying on the ground. "Oh, doesn't dat fat creep Wario know anything about how to use a trash can?! Hmmm, what is this anyway?" Picking the flier up, he read what it was announcing. "Hmmm. 'Mushroom Wrestling Federation...' We have a wrestling federation? '...presents Tag Team Wrestling Tournament.' Aaah, whoop-dee-freakin'-do! Like dat would do any good." He walked away, throwing the flier into a nearby trash can, but then ran back in, jumped inside the trash can, and took another look at the flier. "Wait a minute!! 'First prize: A check for 10,000 dollars!!' WHOOP-DEE-FREAKINGER-DOO!!" Toad hollered, not noticing he had just made up a new comparative adjective in his exclamation. "Dat'll be exactly enough to make up for da Coins dat Bowser stole! Now all I need is two suckers to wrestle for me. And I know just da pair to do it!"

Just then, Toad felt the trash can being lifted up. Looking outside, he saw a blue-shelled Koopa Troopa carrying the can. "Hey, whaddaya think yer doin'?!" Toad yelled.

"I'm a garbage man," the Koopa Troopa answered. "What does it look like I'm doing?" And he then dumped the can's contents, Toad, flier and all, into his garbage truck.

0-0-0

One escape from the garbage disposal plant later, Toad headed back to the Mushroom Kingdom and went to visit his two muscular cousins, the Mushroom Marauder and Jake "The Crusher" Fungi. These characters, of course, were never in the games and were only written for this episode. Interesting to note, they were almost identical in physical appearance, but the Mushroom Marauder wore red leotards and Jake dressed in green. Kinda like several other pairs in the Mushroom World. Y'know, like in Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga? I wonder what's up with that.

Anyway, the Marauder was doing push-ups and the Crusher was lifting barbells when Toad came up. "Hiya cousins!" he said.

"Hey there, little man." The Mushroom Marauder stood up. "What brings you here?"

"Yeah, we don't see you often ever since you went to work in the video game shopkeeper racket," said the Crusher. "Have you tried to get us a part in the next game you'll be appearing in?"

"No, but I got something else that should be just as fine." Toad presented the flier (which, incidentally, had their pictures on it) and explained his situation. "Earlier today, Princess Peach assigned me to deliver 10,000 dollars in Gold Coins to the orphanage. But den I fell asleep on da job, and when I woke up, da Coins were gone. And I figured Bowser stole da Coins, since I found out it wasn't Wario who did it, and I can't tell the Princess 'cause I'm extremely ashamed about it. And den I found out about dis tournament here, which happens to be offering a cash prize of 10,000 dollars!"

"10,000 dollars, eh?" said the Crusher. "That's a pretty interesting story there, cuz. I mean, you just happened to lose a million Coins, and then you found out about a tournament offering that amount of money for a cash prize?"

"Yeah," said the Mushroom Marauder, "if it wasn't for the fact that you were carrying Coins and this flier's advertising the money in check form, I'd suspect the prize was the same money you were carrying!"

"Well, anyway, dat's da story, and I really need your help," said Toad. "Will ya do dis for me?"

The Mushroom Marauder handed the flier to his green-clad bro. "Aaah, whatever. Sure we'll do it, little man."

"Yeah, we'd do anything for our favorite little cousin." The Crusher dropped his barbells on Toad so he could flex a little bit. "Hey, where'd ya go, little man?"

0-0-0

A few minutes later, Toad and his cousins arrived at the headquarters of the Mushroom Wrestling Federation. Apparently, there must not have been many people wanting to participate in the tournament, because there was only one guy in front of him, and he was already finished signing up when they came. Plus, he didn't look as macho as Toad's cousins did.

Toad stepped up to the sign-up table. "I'd like to enter..."

"Hmmm," the referee said, interrupting Toad. "Aren't you a little short to be a wrestler?"

"Hey, I'll have you know I got quite a bit of strength when I carry things!" Toad objected. "But actually, I'm entering my two cousins here. Meet da Mushroom Marauder, and Jake 'The Crusher' Fungi!"

"Ah, now _those_ guys look like they should be in a wrestling match!" the referee said. "They're in!"

"Terrific!" Toad hooted. "Now I just hope nothing bad happens, like none of da bad guys also enter da tournament."

"Aw, what are the odds of that happening?" scoffed the Crusher.

Just then, they felt the ground shaking behind them. Toad turned around and saw a pair of Sledge Bros. were standing right behind them. "Soon to be the _Mashed_ Marauder and Jake the _Crushed_ Fungus!" said Sledge Bro #1, speaking in an Austrian accent.

"Aaah, please excuse my companion's inappropriate respahnse to yahr query," said Sledge Bro #2, also with an Austrian accent. "He really vanted to make a joke out of yahr names."

Right behind, Bowser and Larry walked up to the referee. "Yo, loser!" demanded Larry. "I want to register _my_ team, the Sledge Bros.!"

"Well, you're clearly evil," said the referee, "but your team is just as manly as the last two registrants, so I'll let 'em in!"

"No fair, Cheatsy!" Toad shook his fist. "You took our place in line! Just like you took all dose Coins I was bringing to the orphanage!"

"What are you babbling about, Toad?" said Bowser. "Cheatsy and I have been out on a treasure hunt all day!"

"Yeah, and that turned out to be a waste of time!" added Larry. "What idiot would bury a bunch of bananas and make a treasure map leading to it?"

Bowser put his hand in front of Larry's mouth. "Ix-nay on the otten-ray anana-bays, Cheatsy. Our victory in this tournament will more than make up for that!"

"No, it's won't!!" Toad screamed. "I ain't lettin' you steal another ten thousand dollars from those poor orphans!"

"Sheesh, kid, we already told you, we never stole that money," said Larry. "King Dad and I were gone all morning. Plus, my sibs are either sick or on vacation."

"Aaaaah! Fine!" Toad waved his arm in front of him and turned back to his cousins. "Ignore dose lousy Koopas, guys! You can wipe da floor with 'em at da match tomorrow."

"Okay," said the Crusher, "but can't we do something to these guys to show that we mean business?"

"Yeah, you can do dat!" Toad snapped his fingers, and Jake and the Marauder promptly picked up the two Sledge Bros. and hurled them at Bowser and Larry.

"Whoa!" Bowser cried under the weight of the Sledge Bros. "Get offa me, you hammerheads, or I'll charge ya rent! Now I know why you make the ground shake when ya jump."

The Marauder and Jake patted their hands while Toad led them away. "C'mon guys, you can sleep over at da Princess's castle. I'd invite ya to sleep over at my house, but da Mario Bros. are always spending so much free time dere..."

Bowser lugged the Sledge Bros. off of him, and Larry giggled at him. "Too bad about this scheme, King Dad! I guess we won't be winning the7 check."

"Oh yes we will!" Bowser grabbed Larry by the throat. "_You_ are going to make sure of that, you little stooge!!"

"Right, dad, I'm a stooge," Larry agreed. "Just call me Shemp."

0-0-0

Early the next morning (or that night, it seemed more like the next morning 'cause it was still light outside), Larry managed to make his way into Princess Peach's Castle. How exactly he did it, I do not know. You'd think maybe one of the guards would've caught him coming in. If they're _that_ lousy, then no wonder she gets kidnapped all the time. Anyway, Jake and the Marauder were resting in one of the guest bedrooms, and doing oddly synchronized snoring. When Larry came in, a strange shadow that did not resemble him at all was cast on the floor. But he ignored that oddity and went to work with his evil deed.

First, he taped the duo's eyes open. Then he pulled out a pocket watch and started swinging it in front of their faces. He didn't realize that he was actually holding it the wrong way as he chanted, "You are getting verrry sleepy. You are completely..." And then suddenly he fell asleep himself, but quickly collapsed and picked himself it. "Dang it," he swore to himself, "I was doing it wrong. I'll start again..." He started swinging the watch again, this time so that the front of the watch was facing the wrestlers. "Now then, you are getting verrry sleepy. You are completely under my power. You will do exactly as I say!"

"Yesss, massster," muttered the musclemen.

"You will... cluck like Chickadactyls!" Larry commanded.

"_Bawk bawk bawk_," Jake and the Marauder said nonchalantly.

"Close enough," said Larry. "Now then, you will remain asleep and not wake up for two whole days! Understand?"

"Yesss now..." the duo consented.

"Phew!" Larry wiped his brow. "I'm glad to get that done. Lucky for me this nasal-nerdy voice of mine didn't wake them up." With that, he removed the tape from the Marauder and Jake's eyes and then scurried to the nearby balcony. Then he jumped off of the balcony, only to then realize he was three stories up. He fell to the ground, landed with a thud, and said to himself, "Damn it, what is it with me falling to the ground every time I come here?"

Immediately after Larry exited the guest room, Toad walked in, carrying a breakfast tray. "Rise and shine, cousins!" he called out. "Today's da day of da big match! And I got just da breakfast for yas!" But to his shock, the Marauder and the Crusher didn't hear him and just kept snoozing. "What da hell? Hey, why're you two still sleepin'? You didn't get so confident about winning dat ya stayed up late and had a big party with all yer friends and didn't invite me, didja?! 'Cause if ya did, den I'm gonna be _real_ upset!" Taking another look at his sleeping cousins, Toad got worried. "Oh, something's wrong here! Jake and da Crusher could _never_ resist having Froot Loops for breakfast!"

Toad tried everything he could to wake his cousins up. He tried playing an electric guitar, beating drums, banging a gong, popping a balloon, blowing a whistle, blowing on a trumpet, jack-hammering, shouting through a bullhorn, clashing cymbals, and even screaming at the top of his lungs, but none of them seemed to work. Finally, he got desperate and decided to resort to drastic measures. He placed some dynamite between the beds and was just about to set off the detonator when Princess Peach came in.

The Princess lunged at her servant, distracting him from throwing the switch. "Toadie--! What are you doing?!" she hollered.

The Mario Bros. entered the room at that moment. "Uh, from what I've heard coming from this room," said Luigi, "sounds like he's been playing rock-and-roll CDs."

"Oh, look! The main character gets a scene in his own show," Mario griped. "Remind me to fire my agent. Next thing you know, they'll do an episode where I don't appear at all!"

"Sorry, Princess," Toad responded, "I was just tryin' to get my cousins to wake up. For some reason, dey're really zoned out dis morning. Which is especially confusin', 'cause I made them Froot Loops for breakfast! And I _really_ need 'em to wake up so dey can win da wrestling tournament today!"

"Lighten up, Toad!" scoffed Peach. "It's just a silly old wrestling match. It's not like one of our racing championships, golf games, or tennis tournaments. What's a wrestling match compared to, say, feeding those poor Mushroom orphans you delivered the Coins to yesterday?" But then Toad started sobbing uncontrollably. "Gee, was it something I said?" the Princess wondered.

"I think maybe you should leave the room, Princess," said Mario. "The way he's crying, he must be hiding something from you. _I'll_ talk to him."

"Okay, I'll leave you alone to grieve." Peach headed out of the room. "I needed to go pick up some nail polish today anyway."

Mario walked up to Toad and patted him on the back. "Whatsamatter, Toadie? You miss The WB?"

"Yeah," Toad sniffled, "but dat ain't da real reason I'm cryin' right now! You remember all dat money I was supposed to deliver to the orphanage yesterday?"

"Not really," Mario replied. "I wasn't there. Could you tell me what happened back there?"

"I fell asleep and Koopa stole it!" Toad wailed.

"Oh my gosh, that's terrible!" Mario pretentiously gasped. "We'd better tell the Princess so we can launch an invasion on Koopa's castle! Hopefully, we'll be able to pick up some extra change on the way."

"No, Mario, it's not dat simple." Toad took off his hat to squeeze any excess tears that would've somehow leaked into it. "Da Princess trusted me with those Coins, and I let her down. I thought I could solve da problem by having my cousins win da cash prize at da wrestling tournament, but now dey're too asleep to even lift a finger!! Now all da orphans will go hungry, plus their heat will be shut off, and deir furniture repossessed, and their rent will be unpaid so da place is gonna be shut down and da orphans are gonna end up on da street, and it's all King Koopa's fault!"

"Aw, gee. That sucks worse than my trip to Howard Johnson," said Luigi. "I remember as if it were yesterday. It all started when Mario, the Princess, and I came to Cookie Mountain for a vacation. We'd banished the guy at the desk from the Mushroom Kingdom, but he'd found a way to escape into the Dinosaur World, and when we got to the local Howard Johnson, the place was deserted! But then it got worse. Dr. Robotnik grabbed the Princess, and Mario was attacked by a Sonic Salad, and a Knuckles Knockwurst! And I found myself face-to-face with a Shining Force Sandwich! Luckily, Mario was able to--" Luigi's story was cut short by Mario slapping him in the face to shut him up.

"Don't despair, Toadie!" said Mario. "Luigi and I will aid you in your 'Flintstones'-like plan."

"We will?"

"That's right! We're gonna wrestle for you, Toad!" Mario declared.

"Actually, I'd planned on spending the afternoon writing an angry letter to the Disney Channel regarding their decision for Jake to end up with Rose when I wanted him to end up with Trixie, not to mention their general decline in quality over the years," Luigi remarked. "Besides, Mario, getting into wrestling will just spin off another sports game to clog up this franchise. Haven't you been reading Waluigious?"

"Luigi, the guy who runs that blog also believes that Donkey Kong 64 is better than Super Mario Sunshine. Are you honestly going to believe everything he says about us is true?" Mario poked his brother's chest. "Anyway, wrestling should be no trouble at all. I used to be a student at the Foremost World-Renowned International School of Lucha."

_Mario was facing off with The Flea. They did the customary growling at each other. Then Mario jumped into the air and hollered, "Super Plunger of Victory!!" And he transformed into a gigantic plunger. The Flea gasped as Mario landed right on his head._

_Mr. Midcarda slapped his hand on the mat. "Uno! Dos! Tres! Super Mario wins!!"_

"Good times, good times," said Mario as he finished his flashback. "But then they found out I was an adult and they kicked me out."

"Uh, dis ain't Lucha libre, Mario," Toad pointed out. "It won't be da kind of match where you can simply transform as part of a signature move."

"Really? Then I guess this means Luigi and I will need some practice. Let the training montage ripped off from 'Rocky' begin!!" Mario proclaimed.

So Mario and Luigi set off on their training montage sequence. They weren't allowed to practice to the "Rocky" theme music, so they instead used a revamped version of "Burn Baby Burn" that was somehow able to make it onto the DVD set without the music rights lawyers noticing. Their training was so extraneous that it could never be described in a low-budget story like this, so let's just skip to the next scene.

0-0-0

Later that day, the Mushroom Wrestling Federation's tournament was about to begin. Near the audience sat the two commentators at their table. "Hello, I'm Trent Toadman," said the first one.

"And I'm John Madtoad," said the second one.

"And this is the Mushroom Wrestling Federation, live on Pay-Per-View!!" they both announced.

"We're here at this tournament that is oddly consisting of only one match," commentated Trent Toadman, "but the prize should be enough for it, because it's a check for 10,000! That's like 1,000,000 Yellow Coins, 500,000 Red Coins, or 200,000 Blue Coins, but it's in easy-to-carry paper form! Say, why is it no one ever finds dollar bills floating around like Coins, John?"

"Paper blows away more easily, Trent!" answered John Madtoad. "But first, let's go to the referee for a description of the wrestlers!"

"In this corner," announced the referee, "from the dark levels of the Koopa Kingdom but curiously almost never seen in pairs, the Super Squad Sledge Brothers!!" At that point, the Sledge Bros. jumped into the ring, causing the referee to fall flat on the mat. He picked himself and continued. "And in the other corner, two new entrants whom I didn't see signing up yesterday, the Masked Mashers of Mayhem!!"

Bowser was watching in the audience with Larry seated next to him. "Masked Mashers of Mayhem?! I've never heard of 'em! Why didn't you take care of them as well, Cheatsy?! You'd better not tell me they're actually baseball players."

"Don't blame me, pop!" Larry cried. "I've never heard of them either!" It was then that he saw Mario and Luigi entering the ring, dressed up in spandex and masks. "Hey, isn't that Mario and the green look-alike he sometimes brings with him?"

"You're right! This is perfect!" Bowser declared. "That check will be mine in a few minutes! Now why don't you go live up to your name, Cheatsy?"

"But aren't you already certain our boys will win?"

"Dang it, just go do some cheating!"

Over in the ring, Luigi jumped a bit behind Mario. "Yikes, Mario! We have to face the Sledge Bros.!"

"Don't worry, Luigi, this fight's in the bag!" Mario bragged. "I happen to know their weakness."

Just then, Larry hit the bell with a hammer. This caught the attention of the referee. "Hey, who did that? I didn't go over the rules yet!"

Sledge Bro #1 picked up the referee. "Read on yahr own time!" he joked before tossing the referee out of the tent. "Anywan else wahnt some of dis?" he threatened to the booing audience.

But then Mario jumped right on Sledge Bro #1, knocking him out. The audience gasped.

"Amazing!" commented Trent. "The Red Masher has taken out the first Sledge Brother with one hit! Almost reminds me of my first marriage."

"It truly is amazing, Trent," John stated, "but can he repeat his own trick on the other one?"

Sledge Bro #2 climbed into the arena. "You knocked out my companyahn. You've made me very aangry. Now watch me blow..." He clapped his hands at that point in his speech. "...you opp."

"I don't think so!" Mario exclaimed, and he jumped and landed right on Sledge Bro #2, knocking him out as well.

"To answer your question, John," said Trent, "yes he can! The Red Masher has taken out the other Sledge Brother with one hit as well!"

"It's actually kind of disappointing, Trent," replied John. "This may very well be the quickest professional wrestling match there ever was. I didn't even get to say 'Let's get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLEE!!'"

The fans in the audience seemed to agree. Sitting in the front row were Manny Rivera and Frida Suarez. "We traveled through a drainpipe for _this?!_" Manny complained, slapping his forehead.

"Yeah, this is boring," agreed Frida. "Let's go outside and find turtle shells to skate around on!"

"_Si!_ We can use them for surfing too!" Manny followed his girlfriend out of the tent, so they missed out on what happened next.

"Hold on, John," Trent announced, "it seems that the Sledge Bros. are being pulled out of the tournament and replaced with a substitute team!"

"A substitute team!? No fair!" Mario whined. "This is probably just another example of the Koopas' cheating! I call foul."

Ignoring Mario's objection, Trent welcomed the new opponents. "Give a big hand for... the Chomp Brothers!!" And right when he said that, a pair of Chomp Bros. dropped in on the arena.

Bowser chuckled. "See that, Cheatsy? I knew that Mario would easily be able to defeat the Sledge Bros. since he's well aware of their weakness, so I planned ahead to have the Chomp Bros. fill in for them! No way he'll be able to beat _these_ guys in a wrestling match!"

"Aw gee, dad, I wish I was smart as you," Larry groveled.

"Well then," said John, responding to his partner's commentary, "now let's _truly_ get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLEE!!"

Mario backed away. "Luigi, these are Chomp Bros. we're facing off with now! They're final-level RPG enemies! We can't beat them by simply jumping on their heads!" He tagged his brother. "You do it! You can jump higher!"

"Hey, I ain't facing these musclebound turtles by myself!" Luigi whined and tagged Mario back.

"Well, I don't want to waste my jumping power trying to take out these behemoths!" Mario argued.

As the Mario Bros. argued over who'd fight the Chomp Bros., Toad cowered in the stands. "Oh, this match is even dirtier than Wario's bathroom! The way the Koopas are cheating, we'll never win!"

"Oh yes we will! I have an idea." Peach, who had been sitting next to Toad, ran out of the arena.

Back in the ring, the Chomp Bros. got tired of Mario and Luigi's argument and started twirling their Chain Chomps. "Hey Mashed Maskers!" called out Chomp Bro #1 (who also spoke in an Austrian accent). "Remember vhen I said ve'd kill you last? I lied."

"Hey Mario, how come these guys have the same accent as the Sledge Bros.?" asked Luigi. Before Mario could answer, the Chomp Bros., ignoring the fact that only one of them was supposed to attack at a time, threw their Chain Chomps right at the Marios, stunning them.

Toad jumped up from his seat. "Guys, get up, please! Don't let the Chomp Bros. pin you!! Think of those poor orphans!"

"Now ve shall destroy you vith our bare haands," boasted Chomp Bro #2. Before the Marios could finish collecting themselves, the Chomp Bros. picked them up and twirled them over their heads in the same fashion as with their Chain Chomps before throwing the plumbers right at a brick wall. The referee was by now just coming back from where he had been thrown at the beginning of the match and did not see any of the illegal action.

Just as Mario and Luigi were climbing out from the remains of the wall they had hit, Princess Peach ran up to them, carrying two Starmen. "Catch, guys!" she cried, tossing the Starmen in their direction.

Mario and Luigi jumped up to grab the Starmen and both became invincible. Somehow, their wrestling costumes disappeared as a result. "Invincible timing, Princess!" Mario commented. "I should've put these in reserve earlier!"

Bowser and Larry hadn't seen Peach bring the Starmen in, so they were giggling like schoolgirls as the referee was getting ready to announce the Chomp Bros. as the winner. But before he could, Mario and Luigi jumped back into the ring and tossed him aside. "Gadzooks!" cried Larry. "Even after that attack, they're still fighting?!"

"Hasta la vista, babies!" The Chomp Bros. whirled the Chain Chomps and threw them again, but this time, the Marios, who despite no longer flashing were still invincible at that moment (as the music showed), were unhurt, and they threw the Chain Chomps right out of the arena.

"I recognize that music... It can only mean one thing!" Standing up, Bowser screamed, "No fair! You can't use Power-Ups in a wrestling match!"

"Says you, ya big Koopa!" razzed Luigi. "Turnabout is fair play!"

"Aaack!" Chomp Bro #1 cried. "They've dispaatched our veapons and made us defenseless!"

"I feel so puny," whimpered Chomp Bro #2, "like a little girly turtle!"

"Let's get de heck outta heah!" screamed Chomp Bro #1. He and his cohort jumped out of the ring and ran as fast as their little legs could carry them. On the way out, they slapped their hands on Bowser and Larry. "Tag! _You're_ it!" they declared.

"You can't do this to me! I'm your boss!" Bowser puled. Before he could say anything more, the still-invincible Mario and Luigi dragged him and Larry into the ring, and then jumped on their heads three times each, knocking the both of them out.

"Ugh... I didn't even get to try out all my booby traps..." Larry uttered before falling unconscious.

The referee held up Mario and Luigi's arms. "And the winners are the Masked Mashers of Mayhem!"

"That's the match, John!" said Trent. "What did you think?"

"I didn't like it, Trent!" John replied. "I thought it went by too quickly! This federation should seriously rethink how they execute their tournaments!"

"John, I completely disagree! I thought that was a great match, and you know why? Because it was educational!"

"Trent, that doesn't make sense! Wrestling matches aren't supposed to be educational! Besides, all that cheating I saw ended this too quickly!"

"Who cares about the length of the tournament, you action-hungry pig!?"

"_I_ care, you comedy-obsessive fanboy!!"

"WHY YOU!!" Trent and John started beating the stuffing out of each other.

The referee held up the giant 10,000-dollar check. "And now, it does me honor to present the winners of today's match with--"

Toad suddenly ran up to the referee and took the check. "Yeah yeah, just give us da check, man!"

"Would you mind not being so hasty, Toad?" Mario asked.

"Oh, all right. Thanks for the help, guys, and I'm sure the orphans thank you too!" And so Toad hurried off with the check. He didn't notice that Manny and Frida saw him pass by them while they were skating on Koopa shells with one foot each (while holding hands, of course). When he got to the orphanage, he rang the doorbell and noted to himself, "Hmmm, sure took me quicker to get here the second time around."

The nanny opened the door and Toad handed her the check. "Well, aren't you a nice little servant," she said. "First that bag of Coins yesterday, and now this check for the same amount of money! Give the Princess double the thanks for two donations in a row."

"Wait a minute..." Toad said after she went back inside. "If she says I brought da bag over yesterday, den dat means Koopa never did steal da bag, and... I've been doing dis whole episode for nothin'!! Daaaaugh!!" He ran off screaming hysterically into the distance.

Nearby, Manny and Frida watched Toad run around. "Boy, that kid seriously needs to learn some self-restraint," said Frida.

* * *

Yeah, you can probably guess I've taken a bit of a liking to "El Tigre" (and of course am a Manny/Frida shipper) from this installment. Well, I really got nothing to add to that, but at least I finally got this one finished. The next episode will be the last installment; I can't say I'll be able to finish it for Super Smash Bros. Brawl's release, but at least when it comes, this whole fanfic will be completed, right? Oh, and say goodbye to Peach and Toad, 'cause this is their last appearance in this fanfic.


	12. Crimes R Us

Here it is, the final chapter of _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2_. It took me quite a while to get this one done, and considering I had already missed out on getting it finished in time for the release of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, just like how the last two chapters weren't finished before Super Paper Mario and Super Mario Galaxy came out, I was at least able to write up enough for this episode in time for the release of Mario Kart Wii. Let's see if this came out good.

* * *

**"Crimes R Us"**

This particular episode opened up on an overhead shot of a typical suburban neighborhood in some undisclosed location on Earth, but probably somewhere in the United States. The peaceful tranquility of this unknown neighborhood, though, was about to be disrupted, because on this particular day, the Doomship was flying right overhead! Well, actually, everybody was apparently inside their houses or out of town, because nobody was apparently around to alert the authorities that an enormous flying pirate ship was sighted in their town.

That didn't matter to the Koopas, though. The whole bunch of them were all up in the cockpit on this particular flight. Ludwig, the oldest Koopaling, was at the wheel since Bowser needed to do some typical bad-guy ranting to the other kids.

"Ah, the real world!" Bowser sighed, looking out the window. "Y'know kids, sometimes I wonder why I don't try to take over _this_ place more often. Around here, no one can get strength-enhancing drugs from floating boxes, and besides that, everyone here considers _me_ a fictional character and would never suspect an attack by me!"

"Yeah, yeah, papa." Bowser Jr., sitting atop his dad's shoulder, rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say. So what stupid plan have you thought up for this episode?"

"It's actually a smart plan this time, son," Bowser insisted. "And I don't need to explain it to you, because you're gonna find it in a minute or two."

Roy Koopa called out to his dad, "Hey pop! The unspecified real world prison we're looking for is straight ahead!"

Bowser looked at the jailhouse they were advancing upon. "Ah, prison - the only place in the real world with our kind of people! Except maybe Afghanistan."

Down inside the prison compound, the inmates, who all appeared to be wearing blue striped pajamas instead of the usual zebra-stipe or orange outfits, were busy playing basketball. Except for the guy who was reading Moby Dick; he wasn't playing basketball. But right now, that guy would've considered himself lucky, because the other convicts were all playing up against one large convict. And you could easily tell from this guy's face and body build that he was obviously not a nice guy. One of the smaller guys had the ball right now, but then he made the mistake of giggling in the direction of the big guy. The big guy hated giggling, so he grabbed Laughing Boy, curled him up into a ball, and threw him into the basketball net, just like in "Space Jam".

"OK, you maggots," the big guy said right after his premonitious movie reference, "any other of youse wanna make the mistake of doin' something I hate in my presence?"

Upon being asked that, the other prisoners did nothing but just run off, but not before one of them had pissed himself watching that spectacle.

"Heh, I thought not," the toughie muttered. "Now if I can just get some peace and quiet so I can practice some meditating..."

Suddenly, the prison walls began to rumble, and that was enough to make the bulky prisoner turn his head upward. The Doomship was now hovering right over the prison and was shooting at one of the watchtowers, possibly killing whoever was on guard duty in there, as evidenced by the screaming that could be heard coming from it.

A rope ladder then dropped down from the Doomship right near the hulk. Roy came down on it and pointed at the behemoth, asking, "Excuse me, sir. We're looking for Crimewave Clyde, real world public enemy number one. Can you tell us where to find 'im?"

"You're talkin' to him right now, shrimp," said the massive one. "I'm Crimewave Clyde, and if I wasn't, I wouldn't be locked up in this hellhole for 9,000 years with no parole! And believe me, dat's a plain unreasonable punishment. Do they honestly expect me to live for nine millenniums? Wait'll I get outta here; dat judge is gonna be _so_ dead when I find him."

"_You're_ Crimewave Clyde? I guess dat saves us da trouble of havin' tuh blow up yer cell wall..." Roy said to himself before putting his hand on Clyde and proudly announcing, "Crimewave Clyde, today is _your_ lucky day! King Dad just got _you_ an official pardon!"

Clyde was a bit astounded. "Whattayou talkin' about, kid? I just said I had no parole."

"Aah, whatevuh!" Roy somehow managed to lift Clyde off the ground, despite him being much bigger, and then had the ladder pulled back up to the Doomship, taking Clyde with him.

Inside the prison, one of the inmates looked outside and saw Clyde being taken away. "Hey guys!" he said to his companions. "Clyde's getting broken out! Any of youse mugs wanna join him?"

"Not me," said one of the meeker guys. "If he's out there, I think I'm safer in here. Besides, it's almost time for 'Hannah Montana' anyway!"

Soon following that scene, the Doomship was returning to the Mushroom World, with Crimewave Clyde aboard. He looked at the nine Koopa family members with a stern expression. "All right, I want some answers! After all, I never get much word from outside da prison walls, not even when my mother comes to visit. Who are you people? Why da hell did you bust me out? Where did you get dis flyin' pirate ship? And why are you still wearing dose ridiculous costumes? Answer, damn it!" he yelled, pulling on Bowser's snout.

"Ow! Let go of my nose, you butthead!" Bowser whined.

"Sure thing!" Clyde forcefully let go, causing Bowser to fall on his back. This elicited some giggling from Lemmy, Larry, and Wendy, but they quickly stopped that when Bowser snorted some fire in their faces.

Turning to face Clyde, King Koopa introduced himself, his crown suddenly replaced by a top hat. "These are _not_ costumes, idiot! I am King Bowser Koopa! Main villain of the Super Mario video game franchise! But since you've been locked up for so long, I can pretty much see why you don't know who I am, unlike most of the other people I've encountered from your planet. And these are my eight Koopa Kids - Doc, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy, Sleepy, and Bowser Jr."

"Wait a second, King Dad!" Iggy Koopa interrupted. "You just got all of our names wrong except for Princie's!"

"Yeah, pop!" added Lemmy. "Does that have anything to do with the fact that he's the only one of us you send out nowadays?"

"Shut up, Dopey," Bowser, now wearing his crown again, addressed Lemmy incorrectly and covered his mouth. "We'll discuss that later. Anyway, Clyde, I suggest you find yourself something to sit on; I got quite a bit of a story to tell here..."

0-0-0

One scene-switch and an explanatory rant later, Crimewave Clyde was now standing in Bowser's throne room, trying to swallow the story that King Koopa had just told him. "So let me see if I got dis straight. You're Bowser Koopa, da main villain in dis world of fungus? And your plans are constantly being foiled by some fat Italian who likes jumping on your head, smacking your tail, and throwing you into lava pits?"

"That's right," Bowser nodded, "and _you_, Crimewave Clyde, are just the man with the criminal know-how to give my kids here the advantages I never had! I'd actually intended on recruiting the guy who put live-action programming on Cartoon Network and Toon Disney, because _that's_ truly evil! Unfortunately, I don't know who he is or where he lives, so I settled for you."

"Fuhged it, scaleface! If you wanted some nanny to look after your children, you should've just hired Mary Poppins. I'm outta here." Clyde started walking away, but he was suddenly stopped by a pair of Hammer Bros. guarding the door.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm not lookin' for a babysitter!" Bowser cried. "Although in recent times, I probably _ do_ need one since I don't bring most of these kids with me often. You see, most of my kids simply haven't got what it takes to be criminal masterminds like me! I've sent them to turn kings into animals, capture baby dinosaurs, and keep hold of some precious gems, and each time Mario kicked them out of their shells! But I want you to teach my tots every illegal, underhanded, treacherous trick you know! Well, except for Bowser Jr. He's actually capable of performing his tasks without messing up."

"Yeah, sure thing, pop. Rub it in for the rest of us." Ludwig von Koopa, his face colored as blue as his hair, rolled his eyes.

"If I have to be a teacher to these little delinquents of yours," asked Clyde, "then what's in it for me?"

"Uh, you get to keep half of what you steal." Bowser crossed his fingers behind his back. "And you get to decide which half of the loot is yours."

"Mr. Koopa, you got yourself a deal!" Clyde pointed his finger like a gun.

"Say, Mr. Clyde, how _did_ you end up in jail anyway?" Bowser Jr. asked.

"Aah, I got caught beating one of da Three Little Pigs to a bloody pulp at Disneyland," the criminal answered. "Who woulda guessed it was da Big Bad Wolf who saw me doin' it?"

0-0-0

Sometime later, Mario and Luigi were sitting on a hilltop, just relaxing and doing nothing in particular but watching the clouds. And maybe the clouds might've been watching them too.

"Y'know, Luigi," said Mario, "I hear that if you use your imagination, you can see lots of things in the cloud formations. Do you see anything?"

"Why yes, Mario," Luigi replied. "Those clouds up there look to me like Washington and his men crossing the Delaware River while drinking coffee. And that cloud up there kinda looks like the CBS logo. And that group of clouds over there gives me the impression of a group shot depicting the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot with the four main members of the 'Histeria!' Kid Chorus. What do _ you_ see in the clouds, Mario?"

"Well, I was gonna say I could see a ducky and a horsy, but I changed my mind." Mario frowned. "Oh, but for realism, how about that one there that looks like the Doomship?"

Luigi, suddenly dressed like a ballerina, stood on one foot and looked at where his brother was pointing. "Hey, you're right, that _does_ look just like the Doomship! Right down to the anchors and windows, even. Wait a minute - that _is_ the Doomship!!"

Mario sat up and watched the Doomship pass by. "Yikes! What're the Koopas doing _this_ time?! And how come they _didn't_ try to shoot at us just now?"

"Looks like they're heading for the First Mushroom Bank," Luigi, now back in his regular outfit, observed the Doomship's path.

"Mama-mia! They might steal my nest egg! Uh, I mean, _our_ nest eggs!" Mario hollered, putting his hands to his face like Macaulay Culkin. "We gotta stop those lunkhead Koopas, Luigi! You go get yourself a weapon power-up; I'll take the high road and use a flying one."

Inside the cockpit of the Doomship, the original seven Koopalings were seated in a semicircle in front of Clyde, who stood with an easel. "OK, Koopa Kids, class is in session," he said. "Our first lesson today will be a basic crime all us hardened criminals have pulled off at least in our careers - bank robbery!" He pulled a sheet off of his easel to reveal another sheet showing a well-drawn picture of the bank they were about to hit. "Any of youse mugs got any questions?"

"I have one!" A brown-faced Larry raised his hand. "Do we get to use guns on this mission? King Dad usually just lets us use magic wands."

"Aah, don't be ridiculous, Cheatsy!" Wendy interrupted. "This is a kids' show we're on; even if we _were_ gonna use guns, they'd just get edited out!"

Clyde quickly went over the basics of ordering the bank tellers to give robbers cash that didn't belong them, such as pointing pistols and adding words like "yeah" and "see" to their demands. Soon after that, the Koopalings climbed down the Doomship's rope ladder and barged right through the front door of the First Mushroom Bank.

Roy advanced the bank teller with an open bag and held out his hand if he were actually holding a handgun. "Yeah, this is a hold-up, see? Yeah, we have invisible guns, see? Yeah, give us all yer money, see?"

But the teller didn't quite hear him; he was busy ranting on his cell phone. "So these people on the Internet are, like, really grinding my gears. They complain about 4Kids like censorship is somehow a bigger crime than rape and murder combined, and even go so far as to label the CEO as being eviler than the Superdevil, but in the end, who cares?! I'm like, 'Listen up, you jerks: I don't give a damn about your stupid anime and its stupid dub.' There are much more important issues in the world, like getting 'Histeria!' released on DVD. I don't have time for your Japanophilic ranting, and a lot of other people don't either."

While Roy was trying to make the teller pay attention to him, Iggy and Lemmy were ganging up on Toadsworth and stealing his watch, while Wendy snatched a fur boa from some unattractive lady Mushroomer. Ludwig, Morton, and Larry, meanwhile, weren't really doing anything that was worth mentioning.

"Gee, maybe we should've also tried putting on ski masks," Ludwig contemplated.

Just then, Raccoon Mario flew in through the front door. "Not so fast, Koopas! My sidekick and I saw you coming here, and we've caught you in the act!"

"Shoot! Mario's here!" Roy cried. "And I _still_ haven't got this numbnut here to notice me!!"

"Aah, we can take 'im down," Larry scoffed. "It's not like he has us outgunned."

"Well, he does!" Luigi suddenly came in shooting fireballs at the Koopalings, in spite of the fact that he was still dressed in his usual clothes, while Mario hopped on the heads of some of the other ones.

"Hey Luigi, how come you're still wearing your regular outfit?" Mario asked while jumping on Morton's head.

"Cut me some slack, Mario!" Luigi griped. "I left my Fire suit at the cleaners today."

"Crap crap crap!" cried Ludwig. "Luigi's got a Fire Flower, our one weakness! C'mon siblings, we're bailing!"

"OK, but first, let's make sure Mario and, uhhh, Lucas, don't follow us!" Wendy was somehow holding a empty money bag herself, so she tossed it up at the flying Mario. The money bag instantly changed back into the fur boa she had grabbed earlier before wrapping itself around Mario, causing him to fall down. Then Roy got a fire extinguisher and sprayed Luigi with some of the stuff in it, which I guess was supposed to dissipate his Fire Luigi powers. The Koopas then ran back to their rope ladder and climbed back aboard the Doomship.

Mario pulled himself out of the boa. "Boy, what a sloppy performance that was."

"At least they didn't get away with anything," Luigi tried to make a point.

"Wrong, Master Marios!" Toadsworth moaned. "The twin bandits took my watch! _Now_ how shall I know when it's time for the Princess to serve tea?!"

0-0-0

Upon returning to Bowser's castle, the Koopalings all started beating each other up in a heated argument over whose fault it was that they had failed the bank robbery. Clyde kept tapping his easel to get their attention so he could start the next lesson, but they didn't seem to hear him.

Bowser walked in and saw his kids fighting. "What's going on here?!" he muttered. "Why are my kids beating each other up when they can just take out their aggression in Super Smash Bros. Brawl like me?! Clyde, I thought I told you to teach them how to be effective evildoers!!"

"I was," Clyde explained. "I just sent 'em to pull off robbing a bank, the simplest kind of crime something like me could do, and they _failed_ it!! Apparently, that Italian fellow you told me about was able to knock them out with his tail and the help of his pyromaniac brother. You didn't tell me this archenemy of yours was some kind of mutant freak with an equally outlandish sibling!"

"I didn't think his superpowers and sidekick needed mentioning!" Bowser argued, his crown changing into a bowler hat and back again. "Hhhhh. Maybe I should've just gone with getting that network executive who considers 'Out of Jimmy's Ass' appropriate Cartoon Network programming as I originally planned. It's obvious to me that I need to get someone who can help rub Mario out of my life."

"If dat's what you want, Mr. Koopa, I'll teach your kids to do just that," Clyde offered. "But it'll cost you. For this, I should get sixty percent of what we steal from now on."

"Fine, go right ahead!" Bowser walked out of the room. "Sixty percent isn't really that much over half anyway."

Clyde blew a whistle and tapped his easel repeatedly, snapping the Koopa Kids to attention. "All right, you meatheads! You failed lesson one!"

"Shucks, teach." Roy crossed his arms. "We could've passed if dat stupid bank teller had gotten off da phone long enough to hand over the dough!"

"No interrupting me when I'm trying to teach, eh... which one are you?"

"I'm Roy, da tough one. Or Bully, as everyone else calls me. And I was da one the teller wouldn't listen to!"

"So technically, it's _your_ fault."

"No!! I could've been able to catch that jerk's attention if Mario hadn't butted in! Instead, all we got is dis stupid little watch that Hip and Hop shanked from some butler guy." Roy held out Toadsworth's watch.

"Gimmie dat." Clyde took the watch out of Roy's claw. "I'm gettin' more of what we steal from now on."

"What a gyp!" muttered Larry.

"I heard that! Now then..." Clyde rolled up another sheet on his easel to reveal photos of the Mario Bros. "Since your dad has demanded we do so, we're skipping lesson #2 and moving straight on to a more hardcore crime - eliminating de enemy." And with that, he used his pointer to slice Luigi's photo in half, but did nothing to Mario's photo.

"Sorry, Clyde," pointed out Ludwig. "Ve've already tried eliminating Mario several times, and we lost each time!"

"Yeah! Like the time we conquered the Mushroom World! And the time we conquered Dinosaur Land! And the time we conquered Jewelry Land! And the time we built all those hotels! And--" Morton's add-on got cut off by Ludwig slapping his mouth shut.

"And how did you take on your foes then?" Clyde asked.

"Why, we all stood our ground in one region each of whichever land King Dad had taken over," Roy explained. "And Mario took us all out one by one! I'll betcha dat's why King Dad now only sends out Princie nowadays."

"It would seem you kids are too dependent on the 'divide and conquer' strategy." Clyde cracked his knuckles. "Fortunately, I know just da plan that you kids need..."

0-0-0

About an hour or half later, in Desert Hill, a voice that sounded very much like that of Timmy Turner could be heard screaming for help. Somehow, his screams were loud enough for Mario and Luigi to hear back in the Mushroom Kingdom, so they immediately took a warp to the desert territory. "It's coming from over there!" Mario pointed from outside the warp pipe in the sky they had used.

The Marios jumped down and found a small Mushroom boy who wasn't wearing a shirt, hiding behind a block structure. "OK, kid, your screaming has been causing quite a disturbance," said Luigi. "Our friend Toad can't go to the post office 'cause of your shrill noise-making! What's the matter?"

"Well, it's like this..." the boy started to explain.

"Wait, lemmie guess!" interrupted Mario. "Your parents always neglect you and leave you in the care on an evil teenager whenever they go out, her little sister has a crush on you that you don't want to return, the girl you _are_ interested in won't pay any genuine attention to you; the school bully is tormenting you, and your schoolteacher is always giving you bad grades. Am I right?"

"No! It's not like that at all!" said the boy.

"Well, excuse me!" Mario huffed in a female voice. "It's not my fault you sound like this one kid on TV who has all those problems."

"It's just that my lunch money was stolen..."

"Someone stole your lunch money, eh? I'll betcha it was Wario! He's always after money, no matter what he has to do to get it!"

"Actually, it was some ugly scaly monsters who took my money."

"Scaly monsters, eh? Then it must've been the Koopas! Don't you worry, kid, we'll get your lunch money back. Which way did they go?"

"Down that big pipe!" The kid pointed to some nearby pipes that were all about the same size. Instead of listening for him to specify which one, Mario and Luigi ran to the nearest one and went down it.

Once they were gone, Larry stepped out from behind the pyramid in the background. "Heheheh, you did a great job, kid!"

"I did?"

"Yeah! Here's your lunch money back." Larry uncharacteristically handed the five dollars he had taken from the kid.

Right behind him, Bowser Jr. asked, "Uh, isn't that a bit out of character for you, Cheatsy?"

"Who asked ya, eggface!" Larry gave his only little brother a bop on the head. "_Now_ I feel cleansed."

0-0-0

Down below in the blue-walled cavern underneath, Mario landed on his feet while Luigi landed on his butt. "OK, Weege, this path looks more dangerous, so I'll go this way, and you go that way. Or should that be the other way around?"

"Wait a minute, Mario..." Luigi pointed up at the pipe, which had now inexplicably closed itself up. "That's the first time I've ever seen a _warp_ pipe get clogged up around here! I get the feeling we've been bamboozled."

"You got dat right, suckers!" Nearby, Crimewave Clyde was laughing at them, with Morton standing beside him. "So, we finally meet, mutant Italian."

"Mutant Italian?" Mario was a bit insulted. "Hey, who the hell are you?"

"I'm your woist nightmare," Clyde pointed to himself.

"No way!" Mario rebuttalled. "My worst nightmare is having to work as a maid at Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. Believe me, you do not want to put up with that jerkface Bloo."

"Shut up!" Clyde interrupted. "I'm Crimewave Clyde, criminal mastermind who has just helped da Koopas lead you to your doom."

"Oh yeah?" Mario rolled up his sleeves. "On the contrary, you have lured us to _your_ doom! Wait... that didn't come out right."

"Too late!" a purple-headed Morton shouted. "It's game over for you creeps! You're history! You've had it! You're done for! Your time is up! It's all over! We win! Your luck is cleaned! Your sun has set! The fat lady has sung! The cheese has molded! You're bleeding demised! You're passed on! You're no more! You've ceased to be! You've expired and gone to meet your maker! You're stiffs! Bereft of life, you rest in peace! You're pushing up the daisies! You've run down the curtain and joined the choir invisibile! You are both ex-plumbers! The Super Mario Bbbbros. are no more!"

"All right, all right, dey get da picture!" Clyde slapped Morton down. "Your papa should've named you 'Gabby'; that name certainly fits you more than 'Sneezy'."

"OK, OK." Morton sighed. "To put it simply, you won't be foiling _our_ evil plans anymore! Sic 'em, Boom-Boom!"

Right as Morton and Clyde left the room, in jumped a Boom-Boom who'd apparently had quite a bit of caffeine. "Oh, crap! I don't think we'll be able to stomp on this guy's head easily," Mario observed.

"Then how about we both do what I'd prefer to do - run for our lives?" Luigi offered.

"Sounds good enough to me!" Mario followed his brother in the direction of the cavern he was running in. They didn't get far when they suddenly ran into a pit of quicksand and fell right into it. "Do you have any other bright ideas, Weege?"

"I don't suppose we could hope for someone to toss a Starman in our direction?" Luigi shuddered as Boom-Boom approached them with its arms raised.

**Is this the end of the Mario Bros.? Will Bowser finally conquer the Mushroom Kingdom? Why have the Princess or Toad not actually appeared in this episode? Will Dick Dastardly ever win a race? Why hasn't "Animaniacs" Volume 4 been released yet? Find out next time on... Oh, never mind. **

Mario and Luigi were now standing comfortably on the other side of the pit, and Boom-Boom was up to his chest in the quicksand. "Good thing we can navigate through quicksand pits by just continuously hopping, eh Luigi?"

"I am _not_ gay," Luigi responded, appalled.

"I didn't say you were." Mario argued as they continued on through the cave.

"But you said the A-sound there in a weird way."

"I didn't mean it like that..."

0-0-0

Back above ground, in the Mushroom Kingdom, Clyde and the Koopalings stood on a hilltop. "All right, Koopa Kids, now that your mustached adversaries are sleeping with the fishes, so to speak, it's time for you to pull off some real thievery. And dis time, don't mess it up!" With that, the Koopa Kids ran down the hill and headed right for Toad Town, leaving him to sigh, "Ah, I love da sound of children playin'. I know, because it was pretty hard to hear dat back in jail."

So the Koopalings went about with their little robbing spree. They were doing pretty fine at first; Morton helped Ludwig con an old lady out of her purse by threatening to show off his dancing skills, and Iggy and Lemmy stole Harry T.'s storeroom key. And even more so, Roy stole all the rewritable DVDs in the local Best Buy. And they all spoke gangster talk very well. But then Morton demanded Wendy to hand over the bag of money she was carrying, and she wasn't very happy about that. And neither was Clyde, who did a facepalm to his face in response to that.

0-0-0

Later that day, upon returning to Bowser's castle, the Koopalings looked over all the stuff they had managed to get away with. Roy went over the list, somehow barely opening his mouth. "Now den, that's 522 wallets, 391 poises, 912 Yellow Coins, 18 Blue Coins, 15 rewritable DVDs, forty Nintendo Wii games, 101 dog collars, and a yo-yo!"

"Yeah, and I'll take _that_, Bully!" Morton took the yo-yo, which suddenly changed from being painted yellow to blue, from Roy and started playing with it. "Y'know, I hear these things were originally invented as weapons! Maybe I should use this next time King Dad makes me a level boss."

"No no no! You're doing it wrong, you stupid kids! You're gang members; you're not supposed to rob each other!" Clyde yelled, not noticing that Iggy and Lemmy were pickpocketing him. "If this is how you kids were like before you came to me, than no wonder your dad says you were so stupid."

Watching this from his throne, Bowser applauded. "I must congratulate you, Crimewave Clyde. You've turned my original seven children from incompetent bunglers to compliant burglars! That makes me a happy king."

"Personally," remarked Clyde, "I could maybe live without it."

"Now that _all_ of my Koopa Kids have become adept minions, and Mario's trapped in an underground chasm," Bowser rubbed his hands gleefully, "I can move on to my greatest evil plan yet!"

"Are you talking about the plan to collapse all the galaxies into one big galaxy with you as its ruler, papa?" asked Bowser Jr. "Sorry, papa, we already tried that and we _still_ lost to Mario! And we probably won't even have the chance to do that plan again."

"I don't mean _that_ plan, Princie. Now you start up a drum roll while I brief your brothers and sister on the plan." As his youngest prodigy began doing the requested drum roll, Bowser turned to address his original seven kids. "Kids, it's time to pull off the crime of the Mushroom century. Or at least whatever year this is."

"So what are we going to do, pop?" said Roy. "Are we gonna rob da ruins of da Mushroom pharaohs?"

"Loot through the pyramids of the Koopahari Desert?" Larry used Desert Hill's seldom-used alias.

"Kidnap that yucky Princess Peach and make her disappear?" said Wendy

"Contaminate the Mushroom Kingdom's water supply?" said Ludwig.

"Take over the TV broadcasts and force everyone to watch Jetix on Toon Disney?" said Lemmy.

"Shut off everyone's Internet connection?" said Iggy.

"I know!" said Morton. "We'll load the Doomship up with bombs and crash it right into the Princess's castle! Right?"

Bowser shook his head. "No, my little thievlings. For what is going to be my _second-_greatest evil plan yet, all of you _and_ your little brother are going to... steal over 9,000 gold Coins from the Mushroom Kingdom Treasury!! _Dun-dun-duuuunnnnn!!_"

Bowser Jr. stopped his drum roll. "You mean 'steal over a billion Coins', don't you, papa?"

"Uh, right. That's what I meant. You're gonna steal me a billion Coins from the Treasury! It'll be an even bigger crime than the decline of Saturday morning television!" King Koopa gloated before doing his creepy deep-voiced laugh.

As the Koopalings cheered at their dad's declaration, Clyde rubbed his chin. "A billion coins, eh? Hmmm. Well, 60 percent of that should make this headache worth it."

0-0-0

Back in the cavern maze, Mario and Luigi were having more trouble than they did before. They were outnumbered by and on the run from two Hammer Bros., two Boomerang Bros., one Sledge Bro., one Fire Bro., one blue Chomp Bro., three Boo Buddies (one of whom was colored light violet), two Ptooies, and a couple of Bullet Bills.

"This just isn't our day, Luigi!" Mario complained. "For once, the Koopas actually seemed to have gotten the better of us. We've looked all over this place for a way out, and we haven't found any exit other than the one that Big Mouth used earlier. And to top it all of, we're being chased by a rather large amount of enemies, and the writers won't let us turn around and fight them off!"

"You don't suppose it might be because of that big guy who was with Big Mouth earlier, Mario?" Luigi piped. "I noticed he looked like a convict from back on Earth. Maybe Bowser recruited a human criminal mastermind to help his kids accomplish what he couldn't do _and_ mess with the writers' heads?"

The duo suddenly stopped running, because now they were standing face-to-face with a pack of Snifits, three Chargin' Chucks, a Magikoopa, and a pair of Thwomps. And worse yet, the other enemies from earlier were just about catching up. Except for the Bullet Bills, who just sailed overhead.

"Damn..." Mario swore as the enemies began to gather around him and his brother. Turning to face the camera, he begged, "Kids, check your TV listings! Make sure this isn't the last episode!"

"Wait a minute!" Luigi snapped his finger. "I know what'll get us out of this! Zeeky boogy duke!"

"Luigi, no!!" screamed Mario. "Those words are--"

_BOOM!!_ A nuclear explosion formed right where Mario and Luigi stood, taking out all the enemies who had surrounded them. When the dust from the explosion cleared, the coughing siblings staggered out.

"I knew it!" Luigi explained happily. "I knew that causing a nuclear explosion would be a great benefit to us."

Mario rubbed his head. "You're just lucky we ate those 1-Up Mushrooms earlier today. Don't you realize how dangerous those forbidden Zeeky words are?!"

"Hey, it got us a way out of here, didn't it?" Luigi pointed upward at the hole in the ceiling that had formed above where they had been standing.

"Does that make sense to you?"

"It doesn't matter so long as it benefits the plot."

"Works for me!" Mario performed his wall jump and made his way to the gap, then pulled Luigi up with him.

0-0-0

Soon, the Doomship was hovering right above the Mushroom Kingdom Treasury. Suspiciously, there didn't seem to be anybody around to guard it. Bowser looked down upon the building. "Heheheheheh. Soon I'll be so rich, I won't even need to kidnap the Princess anymore; I'll just be able to buy the place from her idiot father! ...Or maybe I'll at least be able to buy out and take over Isle Delfino."

Down below, all eight Koopa Kids were standing with Crimewave Clyde on the porch of the Treasury building. "All right, youse little mugs," Clyde instructed, handing a Bob-omb to Ludwig, "don't light this till I say 'go'."

"Sorry, what was that, Mr. Clyde?" asked Larry.

"Don't light it till I say 'go'!" Clyde repeated.

"What?" Larry asked again.

"'GO'!!" Clyde screamed.

"Gotcha!" Ludwig immediately lit the Bob-omb and handcuffed it to Clyde's ankle.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, you little maggot?!" Clyde yelled.

"Just following orders, Clyde," Ludwig answered. "You said 'go', so I lit the bomb!"

"But where did I say for you to attach it to my leg?"

"Aaah, we might as well admit it!" said Larry. "King Dad never intended to give you anything! So we're gonna kill you now."

"That's right!" Bowser Jr. added. "Our dad tells more whoppers than the advertising for Disney's One Saturday Morning!"

"I can't believe dis is happening!" Clyde held his head.

"Then I bet you weren't expecting _this_ either." Wendy posed.

"No, no, I can't take this anymore!" Clyde ran off holding his ears while the Koopalings laughed at his expense. Luckily for him, he didn't get blown up by the Bob-omb because he found a pond conveniently located nearby. Without questioning whether or not the water was safe for him to jump into, he did just that and defused the explosive device. After spitting out the water that had gotten in his mouth, he somehow shook the shackle off of his foot and walked around timidly, taking a look at the colorful surroundings. "Man oh man, I shoulda never gotten myself involved in this caper. This whole place is crazy. I feel like I'm being watched all over. Those clouds have eyes! That bush has eyes! And those decorated boxes are somehow floating in air! AAAHHHH!!" He let out a high-pitched scream.

At that time, Mario and Luigi had by now made their way back from Desert Hill. "Hmmmm. Doesn't look like much happened in our absence, Mario," said Luigi.

"Well, we were only trapped in that maze for about two hours, Luigi." Mario pounded his fists together. "But wait till we find that big guy who's in league with the Koopas! Somebody's gotta make him pay for sending us through that hill-hull. It was even more unbearable than when we went back in time to ancient Japan!"

_As he, Luigi, and Yoshi confronted the soldiers who were approaching them, Mario shook his head and said, "Hey, you were expecting maybe, Chip 'n Dale?" Behind him, Luigi and Yoshi groaned at his stupid joke._

Mario squinted into the distance. "Hey, what's that over there?"

"Aaaaahhh!!" The object Mario saw coming toward them was none other than Crimewave Clyde, running and screaming in terror from what he was seeing, and coming to a stop in front of the good guys. "Oh! You again?"

"Well well well!" Mario huffed. "If it isn't, uh... what was your name again?"

"Crimewave Clyde."

"Well, Mr. Clydewave Crime!" Mario mixed up the words in the convict's name. "We've got a score to settle with you."

"Never mind that, you good guys! You gotta get me out of this crazy mixed-up universe where even the clouds and plants are witnesses to the things I do!!" the criminal whined. "I'll do anything if ya just take me back to prison and away from this madness!!"

Mario brightened up (as did his skin, which was colored pure white at that point). "Anything?"

"Anything!"

"Hmmmm. Would you... serve as a our butler for a day?"

"No, not dat!"

Luigi also had an idea. "Would you... convince The CW to _not_ get rid of Kids' WB!?"

"I don't even know who dey are!"

"Would you," Mario offered, "eat some broccoli with a toasted bun?"

"No, no! I hate dat stuff!" Clyde whimpered. "I just wanna get outta here! I'll even help you stop the Koopas from robbing the Treasury building if ya just take me back to jail!!"

"The Koopas are robbing the Treasury building?" Mario responded. "Clyde, looks like you're gonna do something good for a change."

So, to make a long story short, the Koopalings started breaking into the Treasury building while listening to the unknown singers singing a song about double-crossing (although given what had just happened between them and their tutor, "Smiling Faces Sometimes" by the Undisputed Truth would probably also fit somewhat). Although Roy already managed to break down the front door with a Bob-omb while Wendy watched him without doing anything herself, the other Koopalings decided to break apart the other sides of the place in different ways; Iggy and Lemmy had a Chain Chomp chew through the ventilation system, Ludwig and Larry used a Fire Snake to blow a hole in the roof, and Morton and Bowser Jr. had a Ptooie Plant knock a hole in the wall. Once all eight of them got inside, though (and there were still no guards in sight), Roy opened the vault and, to the surprise of them all, found the Mario Bros. standing there with Crimewave Clyde, looking ready to give them a pounding. Once the unseen scuffle that followed had gone through, Bowser pulled up two large money sacks that he believed would be full of Coins. But when he opened the bags, all he got was his eight kids all tied and bound in one bag, and a Bob-omb about the size of Bowser Jr. in the other bag. The latter than exploded and shook up the Doomship quite a bit.

"No no no! My plan is ruinated! And my ship is damaged too!" Bowser cried. "Kooky, get us back to Darkland with what's left of our power!"

"Right, papa!" Ludwig took the controls. "But will you _please_ stop calling me Kooky?!"

"As for you putrid plumbing pipsqueaks," Bowser shook his fist out the nearest window, "the game is not over! I will be back, and when I do, that little monster of yours is going on a crash diet!"

"What little monster of theirs?" Bowser Jr. nitpicked.

"Shut up, Princie, it's just a getaway threat."

"More like a throw-away threat! It's as silly as voting for the same choice millions of time, like I did with the 'good' ending to that 'El Tigre' episode."

"Wait a minute, you voted for the _good_ ending?" Bowser pointed a scolding finger at his little look-alike. "Princie, you destroyed my faith in 'El Tigre'!"

Iggy and Lemmy chortled behind him. "Never thought I'd see this happen!" said Iggy.

"Yeah! For once, King Dad's favorite is the one being reprimanded!" Lemmy stated the obvious.

Down below, Mario, Luigi, and Clyde watched the fireworks coming from the Doomship as it flew away. After giving a weird salute and a toothy grin, Clyde turned to the Marios and asked, "Say, ain't you guys gonna stop dem from escapin'?"

"Aaah, he always does that," Mario shrugged. "It's a key rule for cartoons like this anyway."

0-0-0

About fifteen minutes later, Mario and Luigi somehow managed to find the jailhouse seen at the beginning of the episode, and Crimewave Clyde was soon back in his jail cell. "Hey, thanks again for helping us stop the Koopas, Mr. Clyde," said Luigi. "And I must say, I've never seen a guy happy to go _back_ to jail."

"Well, da way I see it," Clyde remarked, "I think I find my jail sentence pretty preferable to having to spend another day in your crazy world full of evil turtles and spying plants."

"Uh, thanks, I think," said Mario.

"Besides," Clyde relaxed on his cell's mattress. "it's Visiting Day tomorrow, and I wouldn't want to disappoint my mother by not bein' around for her to see."

"Heh," Mario chuckled as they walked down the hallway, "isn't it lucky for Clyde that he didn't face the Koopa Kids on a bad day, Luigi?"

Luigi was a bit confused by that closing line. "Uh, I don't think I get that, Mario. Are you saying like it's a good thing he tangled with the Koopas on a sunny day as opposed to a day of a thunderstorm? And stop calling me gay; if I was, the fans wouldn't be pairing me with Princess Daisy."

"I never said you were gay; I didn't even say anything that could be misinterpreted to-- Aaah, forget it. Let's just get back to where we belong, Luigi. The Princess is probably wondering why she wasn't in this episode anyway," Mario said, not realizing his lips weren't syncing with his dialogue again. "Besides, it's almost noon. Time for a midnight snack." And with that, Mario walked off with Luigi, his clothes now colored like Waluigi's for no real reason, following him.

The camera then wiped to Freakazoid, who sighed in disgust. "Oy, let's watch the lip-sync again." And then a shot of a giant pair of lips sinking into the ocean suddenly came up before the camera cut back to the crazy-behaved superhero. "I thank you," he said in an authoritative voice as they faded to black.

* * *

**Epilogue**

Father Time stood in front of his space-type background piece as Big Fat Baby danced nearby him. His hourglass in hand, he faced the camera and said, "Well folks, that was the last episode of _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2_. We hope you've enjoyed the show, because we're certainly glad you could join us. Until next time, so long from the cast of..."

"Histeria!" said Miss Information.

"Histeria!" said Toast.

"Histeria!" said Froggo.

"HISTERIA!!" said Loud Kiddington.

"Histeria," said Charity Bazaar (who had her arms around Loud at that moment).

"Histeria, homies!" said Aka Pella.

"Histeria!" said Cho-Cho.

"Hi-yo!!" said Lucky Bob.

"Histeria," said Mr. Smartypants.

"Ahahaha! Histeria!" Pepper Mills laughed.

"Histeria!" said Freakazoid, poking his head into the shot.

"Histeria!" the whole group said at once.

Mario suddenly jumped in front of them, accompanied by an ending ditty of his theme music. "And until next time, everybody, _do the Mario!!_" he hollered, as if expecting the others to join in.

But instead the "Histeria!" characters just walked away, uttering things along the lines of "Aaah, forget it."

"Sheesh, what a bunch of wet blankets," Mario muttered under his breath.

"WE HEARD THAT!!" Loud shouted from offscreen.

* * *

**Cast** (in speaking order)

Rob Paulsen - Geeks / Fred the Spanyard / Wooster / Koopa Castle Doorman / Mr. Smartypants  
Walker Boone - Mario Mario  
Paulina Gillis - Wendy O. "Kootie Pie" Koopa / Woman on TV  
Tony Rosato - Luigi Mario / Luigi's Shoulder Angel / Luigi's Shoulder Devil  
Harvey Atkin - King Bowser Koopa  
John Stocker - Toad / Mouser  
Tom Kenny - Intro Narrator / "SpongeBob SquarePants" Narrator  
Tara Strong - Lemmy "Hop" Koopa / Iggy "Hip" Koopa / Lunch Money Boy  
Dee Baker - Delightful Children Voice #1 / Bill the Extra Guy  
Benjamin Diskin - Delightful Children Voice #2 / Nigel Uno  
Cree Summer - Delightful Children Voice #3 / Aka Pella / Abigail Lincoln  
Lauren Tom - Delightful Children Voice #4  
Tress MacNeille - Queen Mushroomkhamen / Toadette / The Dark Queen / Susanna Susquahanna / Pepper Mills / Cho-Cho / Toast / Holly Mackeral  
Tracey Moore - Princess Peach Toadstool  
Joe Alaskey - Marvin the Martian  
Delores Rogers - Bowser Koopa Jr.  
Michael Stark - Ludwig "Kooky" Von Koopa  
Grey DeLisle - Vicky / Frida Suarez  
Dan Hennessey - Roy "Bully" Koopa  
John Rankin - Larry "Cheatsy" Koopa / King Fishguy  
Janice Kawaye - Jenny Wakeman  
Chad Doreck - Brad Carbunkle  
Gene Wilder - Willy Wonka  
Frank Welker - The Wizard King of the West / Donkey Kong Jr. / Muttley / Pule Houser / Father Time / Fetch the Dog / Rob Pilatus / Kermit the Frog  
Gordan Masten - Morton "Bigmouth" Koopa Jr.  
Charles Martinet - Wario / Waluigi / Toadsworth  
Richard Horvitz - Dr. Donez / Zim  
Ben Campbell - King K. Rool  
Ted Lewis - Giovanni  
Dan Green - Ganon / Jake "The Crusher" Fungi  
Allan Lurie - Mezmoran  
Eric Stuart - Cloaked Nightmare / The Mushroom Marauder  
Jim Cummings - Dr. Ivo Robotnik / Dick Dastardly / Sanford the Director / Fab Morvan / Deep T. / Dr. Neo Cortex  
Scott McNeil - Dr. Wily  
Levi Stubbs Jr. - Mother Brain  
Richard Newman - M. Bison  
Edward Hibbert - Evil the Cat  
Breckin Meyer - Calvin  
Sandy Fox - Toadia  
James Wickline - Bill Straitman  
Patrick Warburton - Madzilla  
Nora Dunn - Lydia Karaoke  
Laraine Newman - Miss Information / Charity Bazaar  
Jeff Bennett - Lucky Bob  
Billy West - Chit Chatterson  
Cody Ruegger - Loud Kiddington  
Nathan Ruegger - Froggo  
Kacy Shelley - Aaron Carter as Kacy Shelley  
Jen Taylor - Princess Daisy  
Luke Ruegger - Big Fat Baby  
Mike Judge - Boomerang Bros.  
Dan Castellaneta - King Toadstool / Mervin the Magician  
Adam West - Mighty Plumber  
Alanna Ubach - Manny Rivera  
Ed Asner - Crimewave Clyde  
Paul Rugg - Freakazoid

* * *

That concludes _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2_. I don't know if this ending was really any better than the previous episodes, but it seems appropriate that I finished it just a few days short of the third anniversary of the day I posted the first chapter. I don't know if I'll ever do a _King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 3_ covering the eight "Adventures of SMB3" episodes that weren't released on those DVDs, but if I do, well, that'll definitely be a good reason for me to own the Shout! Factory DVD set (which I haven't gotten yet, but might pretty soon now that "Tiny Toons" and "Freakazoid!" are coming to DVD as well). Till next time, everybody!


End file.
